Help me, please. (About empathy and reassurance)

[Deleted Member]

I met the love of my life on here. She broke up with me, because I'm unable to provide verbal emotional reassurance. Kinksters and everyone, is verbal empathy really that important? I'm a physical reassurance kind of guy. I do cuddles and kisses, and I wash your feet and I buy you flowers... but that wasn't enough for her. She wanted verbal reassurance alone. She refused to allow me to demonstrate my affection through touch and presence. We were over the phone and I couldn't do it, not well. All I could think about is the affection I would give her, to apologize and hold her tight. I was not good at over the phone reassurance, I lack that skill.

I need advice. Does that make me horrible? Am I a psycho for having low empathy? Is verbal reassurance really THAT important? Because I don't think I can do it. I make up for it in other ways...

Now it's over. She says I'm rotten to my core and I'm ugly on the inside. I fell asleep during this extremely heavy and stressful conversation over the phone, because I was running on 3 hours of sleep the previous night, and the sheer amount of stress in this conversation was overwhelming me.

She's done with me, and now I have nothing.

If a therapist is going to say I'm such an extreme case that I need to pay a whopping $600 a month for "intensive care" just from my answers in her therapist questionnaire... then what's the point in even staying alive?

I'd like to learn how to improve my empathy. I want to be there for my baby, my love. But it's over now it seems, and she's long gone. She never let me have the chance to show my physical affection.

Pleease, ladies and subs on here, be 100% honest with me.

Am I a monster?

[Zania-8062]

I don't think you are ... Anyway You are a sweet guy ❤️

[Deleted Member]

Well the fact you want to improve shows you’re not a monster. IMO. There are a lot of people with the same issue and are blindsided when they are told they don’t give verbal reassurance. Some people give too much of it too and that can be problematic.

It’s important to communicate what they might more of and what they like. Try and sprinkle what you learned from them in your interactions with her when possible. It takes time. Please understand that life is still worth living my man. Despite how it may feel right now trust me I know exactly how that feels so I can empathize. It’s a living hell. But you can learn from all this and most importantly learn to forgive yourself. Who ever is in the wrong is irrelevant. It’s about adapting and evolving.
If this helped in anyway then I’m glad I didn’t end my life when I really lost everything and wanted to just disappear forever. All the best. 

[Themachinist77]

Physical affection means nothing if you can't back them up with words of affirmation man. You broke up yet you're just blaming it on thr fact that she needs a real relationship and you can't give it to her. If you need help being a normal decent human being. Stop what you're doing. And yes. Get the help. The fact that she saw inside of you and thinks you're a bad person. Dude. Red flag man. You're a Narcissist. It's good you're asking for help. Now get some proper help. You'll do good if you really want to recover from the mental blocks. All you have to do is unlock your own internal insecurities.

[SissyTrishObeys]

Had a gf who did not resonate with me in how she showed she cared for me. At the time we both lacked the skill set of communicating that effectively to each other. I don’t regret moving on, we are still good friends, and she great just as she is. She recently started dating someone who seems to appreciate more what she brings to the table. No one is at fault, no one is in need of “intensive care” (in regards to the communicating affection), we are all doing the best we can with what we have. It sounds like she would benefit from working on her communication skills. I would suggest being specific as to what she wanted: “I would appreciate if you said X, Y, and Z to me”. Her saying I need verbal emotional reassurance is quite broad. Laterally, you are not responsible for her emotions or how she responds to your emotions…and vice-a-versa. I would suggest not getting caught up on whether her judgement of you is true or not, and rather focus on getting your needs met with someone who you can share your physical communication with (not a euphemism).

[Th****]

It's possible you were simply incompatible. It doesn't make either of you a horrible person. 

Everyone on the planet can continue to learn more about healthy communication and relationships and grow as individuals. 

There's really not enough information given for more advice than that. 

[Th****]

44 minutes ago, Themachinist77 said:

Physical affection means nothing if you can't back them up with words of affirmation man. You broke up yet you're just blaming it on thr fact that she needs a real relationship and you can't give it to her. If you need help being a normal decent human being. Stop what you're doing. And yes. Get the help. The fact that she saw inside of you and thinks you're a bad person. Dude. Red flag man. You're a Narcissist. It's good you're asking for help. Now get some proper help. You'll do good if you really want to recover from the mental blocks. All you have to do is unlock your own internal insecurities.

This is pretty over the top, especially with only having the information given. I'm not saying he doesn't have room to grow but we don't know enough for most of your conclusions 

[nc****]

I don't think you're terrible, but I feel like this should have been discussed sooner while identifying needs and limits. Verbal communication is very important in any dynamic, especially D/s. That being said, not everyone can do it well. It's good that you tried, but the problem in your explanation that is a very concerning red flag is your question of if it's really THAT important. Yes, it is THAT important. It is a clearly expressed and very reasonable need from the love of your life. Her needs are THAT important.

[addict999]

I am a men’s man. My Dom doesn’t talk that much. Yet, the ensuing cuddles and kisses reassure me enough- and I voice my love and won’t stop it when he often remains silent. It is not a fault to not verbally communicate affection. Maybe shyness- who knows? To be judgmental about it is not okay, nor is there any entitlement to that. I have learned, that by communicating my feelings a gradual change in our friendship has surfaced- a happy change.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Talk2Me777 said:

Well the fact you want to improve shows you’re not a monster. IMO. There are a lot of people with the same issue and are blindsided when they are told they don’t give verbal reassurance. Some people give too much of it too and that can be problematic.

It’s important to communicate what they might more of and what they like. Try and sprinkle what you learned from them in your interactions with her when possible. It takes time. Please understand that life is still worth living my man. Despite how it may feel right now trust me I know exactly how that feels so I can empathize. It’s a living hell. But you can learn from all this and most importantly learn to forgive yourself. Who ever is in the wrong is irrelevant. It’s about adapting and evolving.
If this helped in anyway then I’m glad I didn’t end my life when I really lost everything and wanted to just disappear forever. All the best. 

Thank you 🙏

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Themachinist77 said:

Physical affection means nothing if you can't back them up with words of affirmation man. You broke up yet you're just blaming it on thr fact that she needs a real relationship and you can't give it to her. If you need help being a normal decent human being. Stop what you're doing. And yes. Get the help. The fact that she saw inside of you and thinks you're a bad person. Dude. Red flag man. You're a Narcissist. It's good you're asking for help. Now get some proper help. You'll do good if you really want to recover from the mental blocks. All you have to do is unlock your own internal insecurities.

Thank you!!! I'm really worried that I AM a selfish narcissist 😬 I don't want that! I'm definitely indeed looking! I've been googling empathy and watching empathy YouTube videos, trying to learn this social skill like I have all others before (I'm autistic so every social skill I know I looked up. Social skills don't come natural to me)

[Th****]

Checked your profile. Being autistic is a huge and important piece of information here, especially if she's neurotypical. 

I can empathize as I'm AuDHD myself and it takes a lot of patience and work from *BOTH* people to learn to understand the differences in our processing systems and work on adapting a bit to meet somewhere in the middle. 

Saying "this is how I love take it or leave it" is definitely problematic. Empathy can be learned to a degree, learning how to have healthy and mutually satisfying interpersonal and romantic relationships can absolutely be learned. 

Therapy is great, I highly reccomend it for anyone who can access it but the important thing is that it's GOOD therapy. There's also quite a lot you can do on your own, the thing is learning to check sources of where you're getting your information and crosschecking it with other reputable sources. 

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, nclady456123 said:

I don't think you're terrible, but I feel like this should have been discussed sooner while identifying needs and limits. Verbal communication is very important in any dynamic, especially D/s. That being said, not everyone can do it well. It's good that you tried, but the problem in your explanation that is a very concerning red flag is your question of if it's really THAT important. Yes, it is THAT important. It is a clearly expressed and very reasonable need from the love of your life. Her needs are THAT important.

Thank you!!! I'm definitely in need of some women's perspectives on this for sure and this is a huge help, thank you 😊
It IS that important. Understood. 🙏

[GL****]

It doesn’t make you horrible or a monster. Don’t beat yourself up. Online only or over the phone just isn’t for you. It’s not for me either. I only show genuine interest in someone if I think I can see them often.
She should have took what you have been going through in your real life into consideration. I’m on 3 hours sleep myself right now. I’m exhausted! I couldn’t give much reassurance because my mind I s kind of mush.
Don’t start with the why should I live stuff. I know you are tired but that’s not something you through around lately. It can be seen as a form of manipulation.
Honestly, she just might not be for you. She could also have other reasons that have nothing to do with this and could be using this to leave you on her terms. Learn from this L and be better for the next person. Get up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse. You will be fine.
You don’t sound like someone who is lacking empathy or emotion. Just so you know I only charge $200 a month 🤣🤣🤣

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

Checked your profile. Being autistic is a huge and important piece of information here, especially if she's neurotypical. 

I can empathize as I'm AuDHD myself and it takes a lot of patience and work from *BOTH* people to learn to understand the differences in our processing systems and work on adapting a bit to meet somewhere in the middle. 

Saying "this is how I love take it or leave it" is definitely problematic. Empathy can be learned to a degree, learning how to have healthy and mutually satisfying interpersonal and romantic relationships can absolutely be learned. 

Therapy is great, I highly reccomend it for anyone who can access it but the important thing is that it's GOOD therapy. There's also quite a lot you can do on your own, the thing is learning to check sources of where you're getting your information and crosschecking it with other reputable sources. 

Thank you 🙏 I appreciate this immensely! Yes, for a while about a month ago I was in a suicidal state and I tried to schedule therapy appointments. Weirdly enough I kept not hearing back, and when I finally got one she recommended me to a more intensive care facility because she told me "My schedule cannot accommodate the more intensive care that your answers showed me" (when answering her questionnaire), and so I said ok and I called the place, only to find out they charge $600 a WEEK. A WEEK. About $200 or so with insurance. WHAT!? I was devastated. I know in my post here I accidentally said a month but that's a typo, this place told me weekly. It was insane. I decided since I'm broke, and the reason I was suicidal was my financial stress to begin with, that I said screw it, I'll do it myself.

I think I've been doing fine since then. You can see my recent profile pictures and I'm genuinely happy in them, since I've been focusing my mental onto her because I fell in love and on the things I love: movies and shows, rather than being overly stressed from finances.

My goal now is to genuinely learn true empathy because yes, I guess I really lack it. I'm very selfish and I don't know how not to be. I hate that I was born autistic and an only child... I just simply want to be what she needs but I can't seem to do that(not yet at least, I'm not giving up)

[nc****]

Autism definitely should have been included in this explanation. There's a big difference between a neurotypical man and an Autistic man doing this. It is something that you can work on, but you should be completely honest with potential partners that this is not a skill you will probably ever master

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, nclady456123 said:

Autism definitely should have been included in this explanation. There's a big difference between a neurotypical man and an Autistic man doing this. It is something that you can work on, but you should be completely honest with potential partners that this is not a skill you will probably ever master

She knows I'm autistic. She's known for a while.

[ma****]

Yes, emotional and verbal reassurance are that important.

You can work on empathy and compassion. You can grow. And if you can't offer that to someone, then don't be in a relationship. You can't build a healthy and successful relationship without empathy, compassion, reassurance.

[Th****]

6 minutes ago, nclady456123 said:

Autism definitely should have been included in this explanation. There's a big difference between a neurotypical man and an Autistic man doing this. It is something that you can work on, but you should be completely honest with potential partners that this is not a skill you will probably ever master

I mean, we're not all the same either. There are *MANY* very common traits but none of it's universal. Some of us struggle with the opposite issue of being overly empathetic and that shit is just as rough to manage. 

An important part is recognizing that you'll never be neurotypical so accepting that and stop trying to be something we're not is a huge step to being less miserable. 

[Th****]

13 minutes ago, YourLovingDaddy said:

Thank you 🙏 I appreciate this immensely! Yes, for a while about a month ago I was in a suicidal state and I tried to schedule therapy appointments. Weirdly enough I kept not hearing back, and when I finally got one she recommended me to a more intensive care facility because she told me "My schedule cannot accommodate the more intensive care that your answers showed me" (when answering her questionnaire), and so I said ok and I called the place, only to find out they charge $600 a WEEK. A WEEK. About $200 or so with insurance. WHAT!? I was devastated. I know in my post here I accidentally said a month but that's a typo, this place told me weekly. It was insane. I decided since I'm broke, and the reason I was suicidal was my financial stress to begin with, that I said screw it, I'll do it myself.

I think I've been doing fine since then. You can see my recent profile pictures and I'm genuinely happy in them, since I've been focusing my mental onto her because I fell in love and on the things I love: movies and shows, rather than being overly stressed from finances.

My goal now is to genuinely learn true empathy because yes, I guess I really lack it. I'm very selfish and I don't know how not to be. I hate that I was born autistic and an only child... I just simply want to be what she needs but I can't seem to do that(not yet at least, I'm not giving up)

Your happiness and mental/emotional health shouldn't depend on another person. That's super unhealthy and getting into codependent territory. It sounds like you might should focus on yourself for a bit. Loving and taking care of YOU and doing the work to grow and heal as an individual. 

[Th****]

8 minutes ago, YourLovingDaddy said:

She knows I'm autistic. She's known for a while.

Knowing someone is autistic and actually *learning* and understanding what that means and entails is a big separation. I've had my share of relationship struggles around this. 

There are some decent autistic YouTube Channels out there that discuss things like relationship stuff. 

[nc****]

44 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

I mean, we're not all the same either. There are *MANY* very common traits but none of it's universal. Some of us struggle with the opposite issue of being overly empathetic and that shit is just as rough to manage. 

An important part is recognizing that you'll never be neurotypical so accepting that and stop trying to be something we're not is a huge step to being less miserable. 

I understand that and I'm sorry if you were offended. As with any diagnosis, there are many shared traits and characteristics, but each person is uniquely themselves. My oldest son has ASD and I've watched how his differences are interpreted as cold or unfeeling, even though I know the heart beneath.

[Th****]

27 minutes ago, nclady456123 said:

I understand that and I'm sorry if you were offended. As with any diagnosis, there are many shared traits and characteristics, but each person is uniquely themselves. My oldest son has ASD and I've watched how his differences are interpreted as cold or unfeeling, even though I know the heart beneath.

No, not offended. It was just a reminder type thing. And yeah, I often get the same thing. It's kind of even worse as a woman. Because I'm direct I'm often taken as being super harsh, hypercritical or a bitch, especially in text format, when I'm actually quite friendly. 

[Ro****]

hey
sounds terrible
currently going through similar life crisis.
If you want to talk and maybe be understood send a DM
I may have something smart so say

[AngelOfDark1013]

I am Autistic. I have Autistic *** as well. It is a big deal to a lot of females to have verbal reassurance. No one is a mind reader. If you do not tell someone then they do not know. A lot of ASD people take words, for instance, extremely literal. Without the spoken communication that my significant other and I have worked really hard to build, we wouldn't be together. We almost weren't.