me**** Posted March 6 Posted March 6 So my question goes out to anyone. If you have a partner, should that partner help with things you can’t simply do either being overweight, have a disability etc. I think they should. If I had a partner and they couldn’t do something I would do it no question without any negativity either.
AVooDoo Posted March 7 Posted March 7 It's not an option, It's a must. Partnership is an "overall" not partial, and in the case of an Overweight or Disability it's Mandatory via the sense of responsibility and Care.
CopperKnob Posted March 7 Posted March 7 I don't agree that they necessarily should no. Working with people with various types of disability, there is a huge strain on family members, not simply physical but emotional, financial etc etc.theres also a big difference with going into a relationship knowing that you'll have additional responsibilities than there is if your partner/family member has a change of circumstances which means that you then take on additional roles. There is a huge difference between undertaking a task for someone as a partner as opposed to a family carer. Having cared for a family member, it changes the dynamic of a relationship. You're no longer a partner/spouse/daughter/granddaughter etc etc you're whole identity changes and there's a huge responsibility placed upon your shoulders. We all have our own boundaries with regards to what we will and won't do and I also feel that it comes down to the actual task at hand.
Je**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 I don't think anyone *should* but it's their choice. Getting into a relationship or dynamic they should be informed what they're getting into if its already occurring so they're informed with their choices. If it develops while already in a relationship, it's still their choice but some do feel obligated. My issues have existed before my relationship. But rapidly evolved so I can't even walk most days. But my partner is long term and helps me a lot, because he wants to. I worry he feels he *has* to but he assures me that's not the case. It is nice to help and support someone you care about, but sometimes it's nice to encourage someone if they could be capable, with prompting. I appreciate any and all help I get and I'd help someone i love and care about in a heartbeat also. I feel personally, someone who is like nah fuck you do it yourself is insensitive, if it's just not caring to help. It's different if said help is beyond their means. But I've a big heart, and I hope people around me to have the same
AngelOfDark1013 Posted March 7 Posted March 7 To me, overweight is different from disabled. You could be doing something to make yourself healthier and if you aren't, them I wouldn't want to help. If it is a true disability, I would help in a heartbeat if it was something he needed. Ps, I used to weigh 315 lbs. I now weigh 190 lbs. I did something about it 11 years ago and have kept up with it.
Th**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 I don't feel there's enough information in the op to give my opinion but I do agree with most things @CopperKnob has said for speaking generally. Think the analogy of airplane safety. We have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves before others. Back to the OP... there are many different types of partnerships, especially in the context of this lifestyle there are also many different circumstances and disabilities that can be limiting or hindering. Partners should absolutely be empathetic and work towards understanding limitations but I don't believe caregiving and assistance should necessarily be inherent. This is coming from the perspective of having my own struggles and disabilities.
SadoDaddy2024 Posted March 7 Posted March 7 Don't think you can compare a disability & lack of mobility from excess weight, 1 is a health problem you can't do nothing about, where as someone being overweight & a lack of mobility is mostly down to poor diet & lack of exercise & if you pander to someone who is overweight, doing everything for them, then why would they change when they've got a minion to do things for them, thats just enabling their unhealthy lifestyle choices.
Shilo66 Posted March 7 Posted March 7 After reading / looking through your profile, I understand why you're asking this question, so in giving my answer, I'm keeping it in the context of what I've seen on your profile... So long as the prospective partner is made aware beforehand of what's going on with you / your issues, and they still decide to get with you anyway, then the answer is yes. It's no different from engaging with someone who has, for example, Dwarfism, or is in a wheel chair, or is blind/partially sighted, or has one leg, etc, etc, etc. In these cases, the prospective partner knows beforehand what issues and challenges the other person will face, so it would be cruel of them to deny assistance for something the other person couldn't reasonably be expected to do.
CopperKnob Posted March 7 Posted March 7 31 minutes ago, AngelOfDark1013 said: To me, overweight is different from disabled. You could be doing something to make yourself healthier and if you aren't, them I wouldn't want to help. If it is a true disability, I would help in a heartbeat if it was something he needed. Ps, I used to weigh 315 lbs. I now weigh 190 lbs. I did something about it 11 years ago and have kept up with it. This is ableism at its finest. The same goes for the comment below. Consider an overweight person being so because of ill health be that physical or mental, cognitive, short term or long term etc but their weight being the primary reason that assistance from others is required. There's also the point that there are some people with physical disability that identify with their condition, taking on the sick role and learned ***ness. They have the ability to self care but don't. This is far too complex a situation to say either yes a partner should or should not provide a caring role (not that they shouldn't care, that is a separate point).
CopperKnob Posted March 7 Posted March 7 12 minutes ago, Shilo66 said: After reading / looking through your profile, I understand why you're asking this question, so in giving my answer, I'm keeping it in the context of what I've seen on your profile... So long as the prospective partner is made aware beforehand of what's going on with you / your issues, and they still decide to get with you anyway, then the answer is yes. It's no different from engaging with someone who has, for example, Dwarfism, or is in a wheel chair, or is blind/partially sighted, or has one leg, etc, etc, etc. In these cases, the prospective partner knows beforehand what issues and challenges the other person will face, so it would be cruel of them to deny assistance for something the other person couldn't reasonably be expected to do. Consider this The person I cared for required support with all aspects of daily living, personal hygiene, continence care, all meals and drinks, support with domestic tasks, correspondence, financial matters, support to attend appointments and social interaction. Was it 'cruel' of me, despite how important he was to me, despite how much I loved him to say, I can support with domestic task, finances, correspondence, social interaction, appointments plus meals one weekend day a week but not the rest because I have other responsibilities, work, home life, other relationships and hobbies? Or, should I have given up my home, my income, my hobbies, my sense of self because he was my person? Ultimately, no relationship lasts forever, ultimately we all succumb to death. What would have been left of me at that point? To lose not just him but also who I was.
Je**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 (edited) Think we need to remember that being over weight isn't always a choice. Think about it. Someone puts weight on, BECAUSE they have no mobility and can't exercise. Some people have thyroid issues. Can make them put weight on, affecting things, or losing weight so they're frail. (Needing help as too weak) Some people have other health conditions which can add weight... not to mention medicine. Such as a contraceptive for example If someone can't walk to exercise, or have a weak metabolism, they can pile weight on be extremely hard to shift through diet alone. People end up getting called lazy, obese and or anorexic simply due to the appearance. Me, I'm heavy, I was losing weight and then my health issues arose and the medicine I was on knocked me off my feet and the mobility was poor and declining also. I didn't pile weight back on, but couldn't lose it either. My daughter gets comments all the time as she's very underweight/anorexic (why i used the above examples) for her age and height, however she eats EVERYTHING. She just can't put it on. I can't shift mine. All are different and weight shouldn't be a reason to refuse someone help... or prematurely judge. Edited March 7 by Jeneral_Whore Typos
Shilo66 Posted March 7 Posted March 7 13 minutes ago, CopperKnob said: Consider this The person I cared for required support with all aspects of daily living, personal hygiene, continence care, all meals and drinks, support with domestic tasks, correspondence, financial matters, support to attend appointments and social interaction. Was it 'cruel' of me, despite how important he was to me, despite how much I loved him to say, I can support with domestic task, finances, correspondence, social interaction, appointments plus meals one weekend day a week but not the rest because I have other responsibilities, work, home life, other relationships and hobbies? Or, should I have given up my home, my income, my hobbies, my sense of self because he was my person? Ultimately, no relationship lasts forever, ultimately we all succumb to death. What would have been left of me at that point? To lose not just him but also who I was. I''ve considered it, and I've come to the conclusion that maybe you should seek some sort of counselling / therapy for the guilt and other raw emotions that you're still feeling about how you feel you treated him, and that's NOT meant in a derogatory way. But I can't, on a keyboard, express or articulate in a more compassionate way than this. And, it is because I sense that you still have issues around this, I will NOT diverge and engage you in an argument about what you've just written. So, keeping things on topic, If you feel that someone shouldn't, then that's your opinion, but in my opinion, I think if they're your partner then they should. The Original Poster asked for our opinions, you gave yours and I gave mine.
CopperKnob Posted March 7 Posted March 7 18 minutes ago, Shilo66 said: I''ve considered it, and I've come to the conclusion that maybe you should seek some sort of counselling / therapy for the guilt and other raw emotions that you're still feeling about how you feel you treated him, and that's NOT meant in a derogatory way. But I can't, on a keyboard, express or articulate in a more compassionate way than this. And, it is because I sense that you still have issues around this, I will NOT diverge and engage you in an argument about what you've just written. So, keeping things on topic, If you feel that someone shouldn't, then that's your opinion, but in my opinion, I think if they're your partner then they should. The Original Poster asked for our opinions, you gave yours and I gave mine. Sometimes it's best to keep your thoughts in your head. Particularly when you've no knowledge of someone or their circumstances. It seems to be the default position for those on a keyboard to suggest that people get therapy or counselling. To be clear, I have absolutely no guilt over what I did or did not do in that situation. I suggested that you considered a specific scenario as opposed to making a sweeping statement on a subject that is far too complex given the various factors and context for different individuals. No one should be judged for how they care for another person by random internet stranger nor should they be deemed cruel by someone so far removed from the situation as you.
Shilo66 Posted March 7 Posted March 7 (edited) 6 minutes ago, CopperKnob said: I suggested that you considered a specific scenario as opposed to making a sweeping statement on a subject that is far too complex given the various factors and context for different individuals. No one should be judged for how they care for another person by random internet stranger nor should they be deemed cruel by someone so far removed from the situation as you. I did consider a specific scenario... the original poster's scenario. Which is why I stated in my first post that my answer was based on what I had read in her profile.... have you read her profile????.... Remind me again about "sweeping statements"... LOL. Edited March 7 by Shilo66
CopperKnob Posted March 7 Posted March 7 3 minutes ago, Shilo66 said: I did consider a specific scenario... the original poster's scenario. Which is why I stated in my first post that my answer was based on what I had read in her profile.... have you read her profile????.... Remind me again about "sweeping statements"... LOL. I have yes. You also made a judgement on the motivation behind her post regardless of the fact that it's a new profile with very little information about her. Doesn't take a genius to figure out your thought processes.
Shilo66 Posted March 7 Posted March 7 (edited) 15 minutes ago, CopperKnob said: I have yes. You also made a judgement on the motivation behind her post regardless of the fact that it's a new profile with very little information about her. Doesn't take a genius to figure out your thought processes. LOL... If you had read her profile and digested the information contained within, then it wouldn't take a "genius" to understand why she asked the question. Then again, given "your thought processes"... maybe it does. LOL With regards "my thought processes," below, is my first post on this thread.... yeah, it's clearly very "deviant"... NOT.... LOL 1 hour ago, Shilo66 said: After reading / looking through your profile, I understand why you're asking this question, so in giving my answer, I'm keeping it in the context of what I've seen on your profile... So long as the prospective partner is made aware beforehand of what's going on with you / your issues, and they still decide to get with you anyway, then the answer is yes. It's no different from engaging with someone who has, for example, Dwarfism, or is in a wheel chair, or is blind/partially sighted, or has one leg, etc, etc, etc. In these cases, the prospective partner knows beforehand what issues and challenges the other person will face, so it would be cruel of them to deny assistance for something the other person couldn't reasonably be expected to do. Edited March 7 by Shilo66
ma**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 Absolutely. A relationship is about two (or more) people putting in the effort and helping each other. If I had a partner who couldn't do certain things and I can do them, then I'd definitely do them. I think that anyone who is unable to help and support their partner shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with.
ma**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 2 hours ago, AVooDoo said: It's not an option, It's a must. Partnership is an "overall" not partial, and in the case of an Overweight or Disability it's Mandatory via the sense of responsibility and Care. Totally agree. There's a difference between not being able to help and refusing to help.
ma**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 6 minutes ago, maryioni said: Absolutely. A relationship is about two (or more) people putting in the effort and helping each other. If I had a partner who couldn't do certain things and I can do them, then I'd definitely do them. I think that anyone who is unable to help and support their partner shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with. I'll change "anyone who is unable to help" (because if they are unable, then that's understandable) with "anyone who simply doesn't want, while they can"
De**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 There is another side which will, no doubt, trigger some people. IF the person's weight is self inflicted through no external factor (ie laziness, lack of self respect or greed) then a partner MIGHT feel less inclined to want to help. One would hope this wouldn't be the case if weight issues / disability was through no fault of their own although (generally) physical attraction can still be a higher priority from a male POV despite the love that exists. Sitting on the fence since 1983
Ne**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 Lot of ableist comments here surrounding folks seeming to lump overweight in a category wherein it’s always the person’s ‘fault’ and they can just do something about it, when that’s not the case at all across the board. Hmmmm Many reasons for overweight and much less for taking that view. If someone is hindered, that’s the start and end of it For Me as far as being in partnership or relationship or arrangement with them. In that case, I’m not involved with the potential of that person.. I’m not involved with what that person COULD be like/doing/able to do at some future time. Sure, we all want to know that people are helping themselves whenever possible and doing everything they can [key word, CAN] to help any undesirable situation or state. If you are looking at a person as what they could be one day if only they’d _____ then that’s not the person you should be getting involved with not shaming for not meeting your expectations etc. If someone agrees to be involved with me, in whatever capacity, I’ll make it known what limitations I may have, and make sure they are making informed decisions to do so. If someone agrees to be in with me, knowing xyz, and then doesn’t help with the things I need, that’s not cool. I don’t •expect• help or whatever, but if after being made aware and agreeing to be involved, they then deny xyz, that’s not working for me and could be considered abusive at some point, neglect and or just plain rude.
Deleted Member Posted March 7 Posted March 7 Im actually classed as a carer now and get a few quid a day to help the lady i live with. She has bad arthritis and struggles with many things. As a result she cant exercise and is a little large. She can either look after herself just about but not work or i do the chores leaving her *** free enough to work. We arnt married and as i love larger ladies have always helped if needed. In return they help me with legal things and remind me to sort my bills out as im a total air head and dont know what day month and sometimes what year it is haha. I guess if i had issues myself id be less forthcoming with help. It takes allot of energy so you have to be with the right match of a person. I dont think by default everyone can manage to give you what you need due to work or commitments or health.
me**** Posted March 7 Author Posted March 7 5 hours ago, AngelOfDark1013 said: To me, overweight is different from disabled. You could be doing something to make yourself healthier and if you aren't, them I wouldn't want to help. If it is a true disability, I would help in a heartbeat if it was something he needed. Ps, I used to weigh 315 lbs. I now weigh 190 lbs. I did something about it 11 years ago and have kept up with it. I get that. I am 315 now I’ve lost 100 pounds but there are things that I still can’t do. I’m working on it every day
ma**** Posted March 7 Posted March 7 8 minutes ago, mermaidkat1990 said: I get that. I am 315 now I’ve lost 100 pounds but there are things that I still can’t do. I’m working on it every day Don't listen to those narrow minded and judgemental people who have issues with others being overweight. You're beautiful and you're doing great. You try your best and that's all that matter.
me**** Posted March 7 Author Posted March 7 Thank you guys for all your input. I wasn’t trying to start anything negative with anyone I just wanted a good rant. Everyone had extremely valid points. I made this post to read people’s opinions on the matter more than anything else. With the regard to the weight, I am not a small gal but the last 3 years I have been on an extremely aggressive diet and workout plan. Changed to organic, no sugar, minimal salt, minimal carbs, no fast food, no soda, very minimal alcohol (4 times a year), no red meat and so much more. I work out 2 hours daily 7 days a week. I walk 3-9 miles a day every day and I workout at home with weights and such. But in 3 years I’ve only been able to drop 100 pounds. Every single day I push myself to be a healthier, thinner happier person. I joined this community to find someone who would shave me. I had someone for 3 years do it once a month because I physically can’t do it. I have tried and becuase I have loose skin and still not small, I have cut myself, gotten cysts and had to get them lanced when I tried doing it myself and other issues. I’m also the type of woman who NEVER asks for anything unless I physically just cant do it. And even then asking for help it makes me feel less than and not good enough because I can’t do this basic thing.
Recommended Posts