Dom but not really?

[Deleted Member]

Anyone ever had an experience where someone claims to be a dom but definitely shows signs of being a sub? Or someone who claims to be a CG but is really a little? Is it a turn off? Personally as a little, when I see the Dom show sub signs it’s a major turn off, is it just me?

[Th****]

Without more context it's difficult to respond to this. I suppose it depends on what you're seeing that you consider to be a Dom showing "sub signs" because there is no one way to do kink/bdsm. 

[Bu****]

I would think that if you’re seeing signs of a role switch like you’re describing it can be jarring because you’re not expecting to be met with that energy, and definitely not anticipating it. I think it’d simmer down desire for sure.

[SlowRide69]

Yup, I've been on both sides of this situation. I'm a soft dom and advertise myself as such, I've encountered subs who thought they'd prefer a soft dom but ended up not. I've met subs who definitely were not subs and brats who were in fact just bitchs. For me it's a major turn off when I'm expecting one thing from my little and end up getting the complete opposite. So no, you are absolutely not alone on this matter.

[Li****]

It’s difficult to answer that , To avoid problems of expectations and reality, have a weak dialogue, and build something together...

[SlowRide69]

14 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

Without more context it's difficult to respond to this. I suppose it depends on what you're seeing that you consider to be a Dom showing "sub signs" because there is no one way to do kink/bdsm. 

Well said

[Th****]

12 minutes ago, Bunnysnob said:

I would think that if you’re seeing signs of a role switch like you’re describing it can be jarring because you’re not expecting to be met with that energy, and definitely not anticipating it. I think it’d simmer down desire for sure.

Except they haven't actually described anything. 

[pe****]

Yes they are called switches and do not meet my needs as a sub.

[Ko****]

What you say would be sort of a red flag for me 😅
How do you know what they are? To me it sounds like you are looking for something very specific and while that is totally your right, I would feel like I lack the room I want to be myself and how I want to be 🤔

[Mi****]

Keep in mind that everyone is not the same. U may be used to a Dom being a certain type of way and that may ruin your experience.

[wa****]

Every Domme I’ve ever been with has been like that. It’s been pretty terrible, and has kinda left me thinking they don’t actually exist lol.

[Oo****]

I mean, doesn’t this all come down to communication and what each person is looking for. Some people may consider someone a Dom, who doesn’t see themselves that way, but they fit the narrative for that person and their preferences. Others may see that same exact person as a sub, because they have a stronger personality. And sometimes two people bring out the characteristics in each each other, that they’re looking for exactly.

[th****]

I don't understand why everything needs to be labeled

[Br****]

Haven't experienced where they turn out to be a sub but have had guys claim the be a Dom but what they mean is sexually aggressive, which is not the same thing.

[Deleted Member]

I’m not sure I’ve ever been with a partner that hasn’t shown traits on both sides of the coin, however fleeting. That’s the beauty of a dynamic, and personally I prefer the fluidity, so long as it’s not obviously manufactured. If I see polar traits being acted or indicated then I am absolutely going to monopolise on them. Bratty behaviour is perhaps a good example, which I consider an expression of dominance.

[Co****]

The labels are only a starting point. Figuring out whether someone is really what you are looking for is harder than just reading the label. I don’t know what you mean by a Dom showing signs of ‘being a sub’ but I know a woman who believes she is a sub but has never no real desire to give up control over anything. She sees being ‘sub’ as simply being passive while having someone else do what she wants. That’s not the type of sub I’m looking for so we aren’t a good fit. You need more than just a label to find out if someone can really give you what you need.

[Da****]

Do you mean early on in your interactions or once you have a more formal dynamic going and you've met?
Funny but I've been called out for exactly this - in that early on bit before meeting. Like I've been kind and caring in my view and just plain nice - and been told I'm not domineering enough. Just makes me think people want different things. They expect to be treated a particular way in those early moments and I suppose that's just fine. The way I see it is - I don't know these people , so no, I'm not going to 'Dom them', (their words) not from the off. The kind of kink I need is not something superficial or fleeting. That's just flirting. Haha

For the record, I think I asked if I they minded if I did or said certain things, etc. All normal conversations around concent imo.

And even for the most sadist and dark corner of the internet types -✋️ there's always time for softness,caring and love. You sure it wasn't them just being nice/decent?

[ad****]

Some great comments already, also, the personal dynamic of two individuals is key. We all learn about who we are as we get older and we all grow/change as people. It is possible for a severe Dom to discover they have a softer or even submissive elements to their style or personality and vice versa. Eg. My former sub is a great example of growth, she is a good friend and has in recent years become more aware of her little, I frequently step into the daddy/caregiver role albeit in a platonic context, when we played together she was absolutely sub, but she has since figured out there may be dynamics where she would thrive on being the dominant or a middle. But, such is our dynamic, it is unlikely she would ever be able to dominate me in play.

There is nothing wrong with finding particular signs to be a turn off, you find attractive what you find attractive, but, as ThaliaV's comment says, more context would be needed for a more specific/personal response

[Sa****]

People can be dynamic, but when you’re in scene and the dom breaks the veneer, it breaks the illusion.

[Dr****]

A pleasure Dom can show signs of submissiveness. I'm one, and I'm a big part empath. People get it mixed up because they have an idea of what a Dom is. But it's their idea of what one is, not what one actually is. It's a pita trying to find out where a sub sits in everything at the start. Most are starting out and don't play by the normal rules. I have one right now trying to tell me the rules, next time I see her, she's not going to like the punishment. Every single case is different. You can't judge everyone the same.

[8N****]

From my experience, lots of people like Both, but I do think It's necessary to make hard boundaries between either of those Rolls. Sometimes we just get caught up in the moment and things change really fast... And that's cool too.

[Bu****]

2 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

Except they haven't actually described anything. 

They gave an example of CG vs Little which are noticeably very different. So inferring a CG adopting archetypal Little behavior is what I took from what they said and gave abstract feedback to that inference.

[Ki****]

1 hour ago, ColoShark said:

The labels are only a starting point. Figuring out whether someone is really what you are looking for is harder than just reading the label. I don’t know what you mean by a Dom showing signs of ‘being a sub’ but I know a woman who believes she is a sub but has never no real desire to give up control over anything. She sees being ‘sub’ as simply being passive while having someone else do what she wants. That’s not the type of sub I’m looking for so we aren’t a good fit. You need more than just a label to find out if someone can really give you what you need.

That was a great comment

[Te****]

1 hour ago, Zelig said:

People can be dynamic, but when you’re in scene and the dom breaks the veneer, it breaks the illusion.

This part I can totally see throwing things off.

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, SlowRide69 said:

Yup, I've been on both sides of this situation. I'm a soft dom and advertise myself as such, I've encountered subs who thought they'd prefer a soft dom but ended up not. I've met subs who definitely were not subs and brats who were in fact just bitchs. For me it's a major turn off when I'm expecting one thing from my little and end up getting the complete opposite. So no, you are absolutely not alone on this matter.

I wanted to pick on this because, whilst there's limited detail in the OP, I do wonder whether there is an element of both sides of the slash having unrealistic expectations
.
To take the premise of the OP, sub joins Fet, starts talking to a Dom, the Dom (hopefully) has a regular conversation, no demands, no dominant behaviour (for obvious reasons) and the sub declares that they are not actually a Dom but a sub.
.
Works the other way, I've been called out for not being a sub simply because in the early stages of chatting with someone, I fact, I make a point of not showing that side of me.