Dom but not really?

[Mo****]

I don’t believe anyone at face value.
Respect is something earned so are titles of position/role.
With the unveiling of our community and certain books and movies enter the limelight there has been an abundance of horny hungry males slapping the role of Dom into their moniker.

Predators are gonna prey

With that in mind maybe he’s just inexperienced or maybe that’s just him and it’s genuine but not for you in this moment.


Now in the CG/little aspect… thaaaat is a problem. I can’t see how someone couldn’t be those role and switches it’s pretty concrete

You don’t see an actual baby suddenly caring for their overlords. 😂

[La****]

Yes but they said they where subs but they wanted to peg and I was like ight imma head out don't get me wrong the Sex was amazing tho until the strap came up

[Pl****]

I also think sometimes subs might actually be power bottoms who want a service top and so when they find a Dom/Domme lacking is more because of this i.e. they want to be in control of what happens and how the power is exchanged but are doing that controlling through actions they perceive as submissive but are in fact just being a recieved or bottom vs being a giver/doer or top. And sometimes I think people think they want power exchange when they really don't and would actually just prefer to bottom or Top for lotsa things. So it's kind of an exploration and making sure what you you're interested in is clear vs leading your search with labels.

[Deleted Member]

A lot of really good comments here! Nice to hear everyone’s thoughts! 😇

[Deleted Member]

This all boils down to communication. Communicate your needs and desires ahead of time so that expectations are known and understood. I've had Doms want aftercare after I Sub'd. Not a typical Dom/Sub dynamic, but if it's mentioned ahead of time, it can be agreed upon or not.

I also enjoy being Dom, but my version of Dom is different than another. If I have to work too much, I don't feel Dom. I feel like a Sub playing Dom for a Dom playing Sub.

As a Dom, I like to lay back and give demands. And I take control how and when I feel. But I've had "subs" tell me how they want to be treated or how they want me to Dom, and that immediately kills the dynamic for me.

When I'm Dom, I AM DOM. My Sub doesn't tell me how to do anything. They await orders and that's that.

A lot of people have no idea which part of the dynamic they are.

A lot of people (almost all people) are also a switch.

[Th****]

5 hours ago, SlowRide69 said:

Well said

Some of these responses are kinda wild considering there's no actual information given about what's going on. All we have is a few roles and and unknown context. We don't know how knowledgeable the op is, if their understandings and  expectations might be off, if they're assuming that an individual's preferences somehow make them inherently submissive or not or what.

Activities and actions aren't inherently submissive or dominant. 

 

[bi****]

ive stopped seeing guys bc they were too subby for me,, IM supposed to be baby 😤😂 it's definitely easier tho to dom once I establish a close relationship with someone

[Co****]

It really depends on what's meant as Dom with sub tendencies. I know I've had interest lost at the coffee catch up stage as at that point, the go ahead to take charge has not been given.

Or, in my head, as a service Dom, this would count as part of negotiations which is outside of a scene, I am open to discussions, taking things off the table, and generally seeing how communication goes when the "cameras are not rolling" as it were.

If someone comes to that meeting with expectations that have not been stated, they can easily go away unfulfilled. I see it as I am a Dominant, not domineering.

[tb****]

Well there are such things as switches which can be both dom and sub, caregiver and little

[Do****]

Yes I 100% know what you mean

[Deleted Member]

All da timeee

[BigPolly]

5 hours ago, this_mfr said:

This all boils down to communication. Communicate your needs and desires ahead of time so that expectations are known and understood. I've had Doms want aftercare after I Sub'd. Not a typical Dom/Sub dynamic, but if it's mentioned ahead of time, it can be agreed upon or not.

A lot of people (almost all people) are also a switch.

Yes definitely comes down to communication however EVERYONE is entitled to aftercare and be offering eachother aftercare. 
Is is very typical for a Dom to need as much aftercare and for a sub to offer this. To say It isn’t typical shows you’re not playing safely. Yes all aftercare should be discussed beforehand but only to keep both parties safe, not because to offer it is unusual.

BDSM/Kink Play/Scenes require a lot of physical or mental stimulation which raises adrenaline, to then only offer one party aftercare is wrong. Doms/Dommes can drop just as much as subs.

Not sure how you can say ‘almost all people are switches’ unless that’s based purely on personal experience?

[BigPolly]

You have a clear idea of what a Dom is and that’s ok. I was the same after spending so many years as a Domme then swapping my role, I was looking for someone who played like me. Having something so specific in your mind makes searching for it hard work. Over time ideas, kinks and scenes evolve which makes things easier. 

wanting a certain person to play a certain role or play a certain way is absolutely fine but restrictive.

Unfortunately porn and the internet lead us to believe roles are only laid out in a certain way but reality isn’t like that. 

People still have kindness and respect which can misled for weakness.

People want to play a certain way or perform acts which for some reason people bizarrely perceive these as ‘not Dominant’. Pegging being the main one as women seem to not understand that a man’s Gspot is up his arse so why wouldn’t he want this pleasure included in the scene. Pegging is definitely not a submissive act.

Going down on a woman was also bought up on here as only being a submissive act?!

Not sure how giving or receiving pleasure in a certain way can only be isolated to certain roles but again, the internet has a lot to answer for there with misguided perceptions. 
There is nothing wrong in knowing what you do and don’t want and there is nothing wrong in setting boundaries for yourself but communicating these beforehand will prevent disappointment.

Yes I’ve been in a situation where I thought I was off to play with a Dom and he turned out to be a switch, not everyone knows how to communicate their needs and that’s ok to, life is all about learning and new experiences. Some of which, we don’t want to repeat and some of which we strangely find exciting. 

 

[Deleted Member]

46 minutes ago, BigPolly said:

Yes definitely comes down to communication however EVERYONE is entitled to aftercare and be offering eachother aftercare. 
Is is very typical for a Dom to need as much aftercare and for a sub to offer this. To say It isn’t typical shows you’re not playing safely. Yes all aftercare should be discussed beforehand but only to keep both parties safe, not because to offer it is unusual.

BDSM/Kink Play/Scenes require a lot of physical or mental stimulation which raises adrenaline, to then only offer one party aftercare is wrong. Doms/Dommes can drop just as much as subs.

Not sure how you can say ‘almost all people are switches’ unless that’s based purely on personal experience?

First, it isn't unsafe at all. That is part of the importance of a person stating what they need. If they need aftercare, this should be disclose before participation so a dom/sub can accept/reject the terms. I have very rarely met a Dom that requests aftercare. Notice I said that I give it when a Dom does request it.

Second, it's basic statistics and a real understanding of what is true dominance and subservience or subjugation that almost all people are switch.

A sub must consent, correct? That then goes against the true definition of a Dom, which is to dominate a person, which specifically and completely implies that the Sub has no rights or choice in the matter.

Consensual non-consent is the closest you'll get.

It's all pretend. It's roll play. People act like they are Dom each and every time, in every moment of the act.

Everyone switches to some degree between Dom and Sub even in a single sex session.

[me****]

So I’ve been single for 3 years and something I’ve realized that 85% of men and women talk the talk but won’t walk the walk. Granted, meeting someone the first time you get nervous, you get overly excited etc. But when you have seen that person multiple times and they don’t do the things they say they do, it’s a massive turn off for me! Depending on situation (for me) I’ll talk to them about it and if they still won’t do the things they say, usually I’ll walk away and end things there. Now I’m not looking to date anyone right now so I think it would be a different approach if you are dating that person if that makes sense.

[Km****]

Everybody has their own definition and just like everything else about being human the term dominant and submissive exist on a spectrum. I consider myself a pleasure dom, to me dominance is taking the control the sub gives and using it to take her out of control of her own orgasmic responses. I eat her ass, suck her toes, and make the entire experience about how many times I can get her off. I use restraints to keep her from squirming away when that "over sensitive" tickle sets in and I own a paddle, a flogger, a couple crops and nipple clamps because I recognize that some subs like a little *** with their pleasure. But I definitely don't need to enjoy hurting or degrading my sub to consider myself dominant.

[CopperKnob]

6 hours ago, this_mfr said:

First, it isn't unsafe at all. That is part of the importance of a person stating what they need. If they need aftercare, this should be disclose before participation so a dom/sub can accept/reject the terms. I have very rarely met a Dom that requests aftercare. Notice I said that I give it when a Dom does request it.

Second, it's basic statistics and a real understanding of what is true dominance and subservience or subjugation that almost all people are switch.

A sub must consent, correct? That then goes against the true definition of a Dom, which is to dominate a person, which specifically and completely implies that the Sub has no rights or choice in the matter.

Consensual non-consent is the closest you'll get.

It's all pretend. It's roll play. People act like they are Dom each and every time, in every moment of the act.

Everyone switches to some degree between Dom and Sub even in a single sex session.

I think the point was that by making an assumption/suggesting that D's needing/wanting aftercare was not a typical D/s dynamic was unsafe.
Your comment can come across as a little contradictory having first said that everything boils down to (effective) communication.

[Th****]

There is a such thing as a switch, someone who plays both dom and sub roles, and i feel like people sortof skim over this topic or misunderstand it heavily considering how little it seems to be addressed and how often i meet people who assume switches are just faking one side or would be bad at one side or the other, but being a switch is a real thing. There are people out there who depending on thier mood could be the most dominant *** of will youve ever experience or the most submissive subservient fucktoy youve ever met, and in my experience they seem to excell at both roles, that being said i think a more important question here is what exactly do you deem as " signs of submission" because that idea in itself could be very different person to person, ive met submissive women who view a man wanting to cuddle as a submissive act even if hes the one acting as big spoon, and ive known submissive women who love to peg thier guy because they see it as a form of pleasing thier man rather than a tool for domination, so you first need to outline what acts are submissive to you and what acts arent before asking questions like this and making judgement calls on others because what you see as submissive someone else could see as dominant.

[Lo****]

Sounds like a lack of communication; I feel like some folks forget that a D/s relationship is still a relationship and requires work. You can't reasonably expect someone you've just met to know what you want if you haven't told them, nor can you expect someone to go "all out" before you've talked about and established what is acceptable and a way for the sub to communicate that they need to stop

[Mx****]

10 hours ago, this_mfr said:

First, it isn't unsafe at all. That is part of the importance of a person stating what they need. If they need aftercare, this should be disclose before participation so a dom/sub can accept/reject the terms. I have very rarely met a Dom that requests aftercare. Notice I said that I give it when a Dom does request it.

Second, it's basic statistics and a real understanding of what is true dominance and subservience or subjugation that almost all people are switch.

A sub must consent, correct? That then goes against the true definition of a Dom, which is to dominate a person, which specifically and completely implies that the Sub has no rights or choice in the matter.

Consensual non-consent is the closest you'll get.

It's all pretend. It's roll play. People act like they are Dom each and every time, in every moment of the act.

Everyone switches to some degree between Dom and Sub even in a single sex session.

Interested in the numbers of the statistics, can you please share your resources?

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, Mx_Cicero said:

Interested in the numbers of the statistics, can you please share your resources?

I'm pretty sure nearly zero reliable, repeatable statistics exist on BDSM lifestyles because no one puts funding into these types of research projects. I am simply speaking from personal experience and pure rationality and common sense, as the rest of us do in these forums. What, exactly, do u want statistics on?

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I think the point was that by making an assumption/suggesting that D's needing/wanting aftercare was not a typical D/s dynamic was unsafe.
Your comment can come across as a little contradictory having first said that everything boils down to (effective) communication.

Not seeing how there's anything contradictory? It is the responsibility of a grown adult to communicate their needs. Not the responsibility of the other partner to ensure every T is crossed and I dotted for their partner. That's a recipe for disaster, and one that many people seem to prefer for some reason?

It's a rational behavior to let a person dictate their own needs. And what I was saying was that, in my own experiences with about a half dozen females Doms, only 1 has ever requested aftercare.

In conversations with male Doms, I've never had one say he wants after care. He will give it to his Sub partner if requested and agreed upon.

But it's also important to point out that no one is required to give after care, either. Consent applies to after care, too. And there are dynamics where a person doesn't want to hug/cuddle afterwards because it removes the facade of their dynamic.

I'm not obligated to give nor entitled to receive after care to/from anyone. If a person failed to communicate that before sexual activity and they request it after, I'm not obligated to give it.

There's nothing unsafe about this. I have a right to consent to what I do with my body as well, including hugging and cuddling.

[Am****]

I generally go into meets with an open mind…BUT, yes I am turned off when a Dom who has previously been able to talk the talk can’t walk the walk at all. When he is acting in a way that doesn’t feel like it’s natural for him. I’m totally accepting of switches but they’re just not for me. This is why honesty is always the best policy and if you’re not a true Dom and you have preferences to be sub at times, it’s best to be straight from the off. Ok, you may not meet up with someone you really like but it won’t work long term if you’re both unhappy and unfulfilled.

[Mx****]

2 hours ago, this_mfr said:

I'm pretty sure nearly zero reliable, repeatable statistics exist on BDSM lifestyles because no one puts funding into these types of research projects. I am simply speaking from personal experience and pure rationality and common sense, as the rest of us do in these forums. What, exactly, do u want statistics on?

You do realize that personal experiences are not facts right? And that’s not rational at all, nor logic. Only numbers can back up what you’re implying, “common sense” makes no sense when you’re just using your subjective life experiences.

[Mu****]

I guess it's moreso when a Dom/domme acts like they're only dominant. It's one thing if they state that they can switch, but many people usually follow the vibes that are.given out. They may not have meant any ill intent and moreso want to be more open. You can still ask if they prefer being a top in the moment. It also ties into Dom/sub space