Dom but not really?

[Redbottom***]

I am so glad you brought this up, this is one of my consistent conversations .. what tick list of attributes, skills, experiences meets label of a Dom, how does that also align with expectations multiple subs types and their opinion of what a Dom should be.

While slightly off topic to your frustration in self proclaimed labels.

My Personal opinion is a need for change of terminology. I am not keen on labels but perhaps defining more the ambiguous term of sub or dom would actually be helpful
For example
Do you consider self Dom or sub because like/want BDSM sex ... Xxxx type
Do you label self as Dom or sub because your into the bigger picture and part of lifestyle outside of bedroom too
Are you fully into sub/Dom 24/7 so are xxxx
Into switching so xxxx version of a Dom

[Deleted Member]

IN MY OPINION OF DOM WILL NEVER CLAIM TO BE A DOM. THAT'S JUST CORNY

[Hy****]

14 hours ago, functioningDgen said:

IN MY OPINION OF DOM WILL NEVER CLAIM TO BE A DOM. THAT'S JUST CORNY

I don’t agree with this. I think that has more to do with the fact that a lot of men want to be powerful, but just aren’t. I don’t think that’s necessarily specific to men, save that men tend to be needier as a demographic, which is antithetical to the role.

[Th****]

19 hours ago, Muffin_Kirby said:

I guess it's moreso when a Dom/domme acts like they're only dominant. It's one thing if they state that they can switch, but many people usually follow the vibes that are.given out. They may not have meant any ill intent and moreso want to be more open. You can still ask if they prefer being a top in the moment. It also ties into Dom/sub space

A lot of people *are* only Dominant or submissive. Top/bottom  is separate from D/s. 

[de****]

I know for me it depends on how comfortable I feel, because if I'm uncomfortable I am submissive, but once I know what to expect I'm much more dominant

[Ky****]

Is it ever...I mean I'll admit despite desiring a highly dominant/alpha male, I'm very dominant and alpha minded by nature and I'm honest about that. I wish people were more direct and honest about who they are.

Like....despite me wanting to be dominated, it's hard for me to simply and naturally be submissive at all. I accept that and have been honest about that on my profile. I think people wouldn't have nearly as many confusing and disappointing encounters if they were upfront with everything and made the effort to read the profiles that go into detail about who they are.

[ir****]

Of course lots of times and both examples. I am a switch and could definitely show signs of both but I am honest about it and open and like to consider myself a good kink actor or whatever you wanna call it. Really it’s not acting at all for me as I both take it completely seriously and stay in touch with reality at the same time. When I am in one of the roles with someone I don’t drift to the other but if we aren’t engaged in it I might show both at any time

[Ro****]

Depends on what you mean by sub signs. Personally, if they are not able to readily take control and is awkward at it even after discussion. It's a turn off. A sub with no direction is a lost sub.
However, I do definitely prefer a gentleman type dom. So things that cater to me to treat me well are nice. It's a balance.

[ir****]

7 hours ago, RogueLynx said:

Depends on what you mean by sub signs. Personally, if they are not able to readily take control and is awkward at it even after discussion. It's a turn off. A sub with no direction is a lost sub.
However, I do definitely prefer a gentleman type dom. So things that cater to me to treat me well are nice. It's a balance.

Well said, I try to be like this as a dom and think I do a good job of it, feedback is good haha as a sub which i have very little experience in I find it kind of ruins the mood if I have to lead. I believe there will usually be at least an element of awkwardness and imperfection in all sex especially with a new partner and obviously more with a kinky partner. Being able to laugh at yourself a bit and tease them for that sort of thing makes it fun and puts everyone at ease imo. Up to the dom to move forward through any awkwardness as you said.

[Mu****]

Thursday at 08:31 PM, ThaliaV said:

A lot of people *are* only Dominant or submissive. Top/bottom  is separate from D/s. 

Right. Sorry still new to everything kink related. I forget that there's a difference between d/s and top/bottom

[Mr****]

I think it depends on how view being a dom, I will tell you what to do and reward you for doing it right/well, but punishment ventures into uncomfortable territory for me personally.

[ze****]

I think it depends on the dynamic at play I know to spoil and pamper my sub/ partner, and got called a soft / service Dom before

[Qu****]

See if you're going to be a don then in my eyes there's no reason for you to even think about acting like a sub unless it's part of our roleplay if I want a man to be a Dom then that's what I expect 100% the whole entire time I want to be dominated not asked what I want done lol

[Qu****]

Not don Dom. Lol

[Lo****]

Yesterday at 07:37 AM, Queenofdarkness0666 said:

See if you're going to be a don then in my eyes there's no reason for you to even think about acting like a sub unless it's part of our roleplay if I want a man to be a Dom then that's what I expect 100% the whole entire time I want to be dominated not asked what I want done lol

So do you not do a session where you discuss expectations and such when meeting a new Dom? How do you express that a line has been crossed?

[CopperKnob]

Yesterday at 07:37 AM, Queenofdarkness0666 said:

See if you're going to be a don then in my eyes there's no reason for you to even think about acting like a sub unless it's part of our roleplay if I want a man to be a Dom then that's what I expect 100% the whole entire time I want to be dominated not asked what I want done lol

That's a whole lot of pressure on the Dom, to never have an off switch?

[Sh****]

I don't think anyone is 100% anything.

[si****]

Monday at 08:33 PM, Shea_Shadow said:

I don't think anyone is 100% anything.

I agree with this, I'm 100% a Dom and a Caregiver but that doesn't mean I never need taken care of too. It sounds like OP is looking for the role-play but not the relationship, which isn't how I tend to do

[gu****]

"Showing sub signs"? Why do you think of it like that, what does that even mean??... what are you trying to get out of the relationship? Sex isnt always like porn lol seems like you want porn, not sex, when you say things like "signs of being a sub" like its that cut and dry in real life

[Stewarttannoc20]

Your only a dom when or if your significant other sees you that way

[GspotGuru]

Vetting DOMs and potential subs is a critical step in determining compatibility of kink interests, chemistry and relationship values to determine any level of play, partnership and consent . However, there are more fake DOMs now due to the popularity of BDSM within the general public that previously within the culture didn’t have so many new members. Many have never been to a formal Munch where D/s dynamics and educational workshops occurred and then COVID shut down a lot of these type of  S &M, leather, BDSM and Kinkster culture and community events where knowledge was shared and many of the events were specifically focused on newbies , for DOMs and subs. So in general, there is an imbalance of true DOM/Dommes than subs,  that are dedicated and experienced in Domination and not switches, with far more male and female and other orientations of subs. Such that experienced DOMs and Dommes may may have several subs through poly, open relationships or ENM connections. 

I recommend seeking a vetting list and red flag list to learn how to find the kind of DOM you seek, but also caution you that there are no perfect DOMs or people so you have to be realistic in accepting some items not checking all your boxes. 

Also joining  a sub support group where u can leverage more experienced subs with advice can be extremely helpful like they have on Fet Life. 
 

Best wishes! Be safe and Enjoy! 

Gspotguru

[Deleted Member]

Is a turn off for me. I don't want to be with someone who is a switch/isn't fully upfront because I feel that's misleading and they've led me on to get what they need out of it. I need to be the sub, I need to be the little etc I don't want to have to be the care giver I don't want to have to be the one to take charge etc

[Mr****]

SirsLilMousey, would matter if they are up front.

[Bl****]

I'm a dom that likes to be taken care of by my sub too. It's different for everyone and it depends on how they're doing it.

[Deleted Member]

I like to communicate letting them know I'm inspiring to be more dominant, but not anywhere near the end goal. Communication and transparency is so important.