sardonicus87 Posted April 3 Posted April 3 4 hours ago, TheZenCommander said: Munches are the best way to meet people, but not every city has these. Coming from Chicago to Asheville came with a lot of struggles in the BDSM community. I used to have munches, and dungeons, and community in Chicago, but in a small mountain town, not quite the same. All we have are apps like this. Even the fetlife groups in this area have gone silent. Unfortunately for people like us, that's the downside of living in a rural area (I know this struggle). . There's no advice to give here except being willing to travel if you can find someone online, which is difficult because so many people want matches in their own back yard and aren't willing to consider people too far away, at least with regard to just playing. If they're wanting a full on LTR dating with kink, they might be more open to someone from further away? Don't know for sure (I'm married and ENM but not poly, so I can't really speak to what it's like looking for a romantic/full-on/LTR with kink). . It just sucks and that's reality. People will often say "move to a less crappy area", but not everyone has that choice and not everyone wants to upend their existing social ties, job, house, other important life stuff, etc to move somewhere else to maybe (not guaranteed) have a better shot at meeting someone kinky. . You just have to hope you get lucky. Where I live, there's no longer even a venue we could rent for parties. We used to run a munch, but only the same 2 people ever showed up. Lots of people on FL say they want a munch, but then when one exists, they never show up. . Though I suppose that's another piece of advice, that if there is no munch, start one. You could get lucky. That's why we had started one (way before Covid). There were quite a few people at first (8-10), but most quit coming after like 2 (probably tourists thinking it would be a place to get laid). We ran it and a party for two years before we had to stop because it just wasn't viable/sustainable. Obviously more showed for the parties than the munches, but not nearly enough to cover venue rental cost. But, the only way to know is to try.
Z99A Posted April 3 Author Posted April 3 14 hours ago, gemini_man said: Yes but if you use munches more as a networking thing than a looking for prospective partners thing you don't know where it may lead. . Had this conversation with someone at the weekend where we were saying it's not necessarily what you know but who you know - getting to know those that aren't looking for a relationship may well lead to being introduced to those that are. Yeah I get you, better start heading to them a little more often
Un**** Posted April 4 Posted April 4 You just have to keep talking to people until you meet someone who isn't brainwashed or a complete narcissist.
Th**** Posted April 4 Posted April 4 2 minutes ago, Underdark said: You just have to keep talking to people until you meet someone who isn't brainwashed or a complete narcissist. Yes, of course... those are the only possible reasons someone might not be interested or compatible. 🙄
Deleted Member Posted April 6 Posted April 6 I find it hard to meet someone here in Michigan. When I was in California the ladies were open minded. Ive been to foot parties in Detroit area but not to many ladies attend them.
rrss Posted April 7 Posted April 7 On 4/2/2024 at 10:12 AM, ThaliaV said: Most self identified "submissive" men I've encountered on this site aren't actually submissive and aren't actually looking for a Dominant woman. They want a service top.... ProDomme services without having to hire and pay a ProDomme. Thalia, useful comment. How do you tell the difference, from a profile? I believe I'm submissive(/"switchy submissive") and am looking for a dominant woman, not prodomme. What should my profile say that it currently doesn't? Is there any thread giving examples and tips?
ge**** Posted April 7 Posted April 7 11 minutes ago, rrss said: Thalia, useful comment. How do you tell the difference, from a profile? I believe I'm submissive(/"switchy submissive") and am looking for a dominant woman, not prodomme. What should my profile say that it currently doesn't? Is there any thread giving examples and tips? Having looked at your profile being honest all it currently gives is a list of stats and wants/desires which really doesn't tell a reader a great deal about you the person. . There is no one "catch all" way to write a profile that is guaranteed to work - but in general terms it has to come from you the individual, reveal a little of your personality, show that you've really thought about your preferred role, kinks and desires without necessarily listing them. Show what you can offer as well as what you hope to get. . Pics would also help, they don't have to be revealing or face pics but just something to give a flavour of you. . If you're unsure take a look round at other guys profiles for ideas of the kind of thing that might work for you.
rrss Posted April 7 Posted April 7 44 minutes ago, gemini_man said: Tell the reader a great deal about you the person.... Show what you can offer as well as what you hope to get. Thanks. gemini_man. Ok I revised mine a bit and read some other people's profiles and more "New to BDSM..." advice. (Won't post pictures yet until I feel comfortable.) My previous dominant partners in relationships were women I met from vanilla dating and other avenues/sites, so I hear you loud and clear on "Show what you can offer as well as what you hope to get", but I don't know how to phrase it. Advice from any other people here welcome.
Th**** Posted April 7 Posted April 7 (edited) 3 hours ago, rrss said: Thanks. gemini_man. Ok I revised mine a bit and read some other people's profiles and more "New to BDSM..." advice. (Won't post pictures yet until I feel comfortable.) My previous dominant partners in relationships were women I met from vanilla dating and other avenues/sites, so I hear you loud and clear on "Show what you can offer as well as what you hope to get", but I don't know how to phrase it. Advice from any other people here welcome. It's good that you added some about your vanilla self but it still reads as what you want to recieve and not really anything you have/want to or are willing to offer. Are you looking for strictly a play partner or are you wanting a romantic relationship? What skills do you have to offer why would a Dominant be interested in you? I do agree with the things @gemini_man has suggested. Edited April 7 by ThaliaV
ey**** Posted April 7 Posted April 7 5 hours ago, rrss said: Thalia, useful comment. How do you tell the difference, from a profile?  from a profile alone can be difficult - but always think in an all round picture it comes down to interpretation and what someone is actually looking for I know the old trope of fetishes being important and the headache of meeting a partner who is GREAT but dislikes your fetish - but - particularly on a fetish site, you already know the other person is somewhat kinky. If your entire profile is about what you want, or if messages seem to be talking about your kinks and what you want to try then it comes across more that you're more interested in partaking in kinks than you are in the person you are messaging with And if your entire interest is doing certain kinks - then honestly, your best bet is to see a Pro. Saves everyones times. Regardless of what your dynamic looks like, it's not 24/7 play - and - the relationship is going to ultimately come down are you good to be around when it isn't about your kinks, do you have similar/compatible interests, can you hold conversations together, and so on
Th**** Posted April 7 Posted April 7 1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said: If your entire profile is about what you want, or if messages seem to be talking about your kinks and what you want to try then it comes across more that you're more interested in partaking in kinks than you are in the person you are messaging with And if your entire interest is doing certain kinks - then honestly, your best bet is to see a Pro. Saves everyones times. This. It saves everyone time *and* frustration. Dynamics are still ultimately relationships even if you're only play partners and not in a romantic "relationship" relationship. Friendships are still relationships and they're a very important part of the equation which as a Dominant woman I *rarely* run into anyone calling themselves a "sumbissive" man who is looking for anything more than a kink dispenser.Â
Ca**** Posted April 12 Posted April 12 I have been in two cuckold relationship the first evolved from a typical relationship but the second was cuckold from day one and strangely I found that partner on a traditional dating app .
photoiowa Posted April 14 Posted April 14 There is something to be said for connection which is not the same as attraction. As i read some of the previous comments I find myself wondering "how do you make the connection?" In my area the local munches are during the week so a challenge to attend. I find myself sending messages but with each time i send a well thought out and extensive msg and get no reply or a flippant one . The next msg is less thoughtful and less extensive. When thats ignored the next is less and less. Try as i may thats where the frustration comes from.Â
Th**** Posted April 14 Posted April 14 31 minutes ago, photoiowa said: There is something to be said for connection which is not the same as attraction. As i read some of the previous comments I find myself wondering "how do you make the connection?" In my area the local munches are during the week so a challenge to attend. I find myself sending messages but with each time i send a well thought out and extensive msg and get no reply or a flippant one . The next msg is less thoughtful and less extensive. When thats ignored the next is less and less. Try as i may thats where the frustration comes from. For one thing, you have no bio at all on your profile. There are many who wouldn't respond at all just for that reason. I can't give any advice on the messaging without knowing details.Â
photoiowa Posted April 14 Posted April 14 11 minutes ago, ThaliaV said: For one thing, you have no bio at all on your profile. There are many who wouldn't respond at all just for that reason. I can't give any advice on the messaging without knowing details. Thank you for your reply. I don't have a bio here you can see I am very new here as well so still deciding what i want to share. I was speaking on other sites where I have a full profile. I am not really seeking advice simply adding to the conversation. Someone somewhere lamented the fact that Dommes get ghosted too. I think the take home point I was trying to make was.. when someone puts in effort and does not see results the tendency is to put in less effort. In essence whether intentional or not we train on our environment. If effort is not rewarded you will not get effort. It does not matter if you are the one who did not respond or do respond. Others influence our collective environment.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Posted April 14 Posted April 14 (edited) During my search for a Mistress I have not received any responses from most of the people I contacted, only about 4-5 that responded were really obvious scammers, only one responded to then reject me because she did not like my appearance(wich is obviously completely fine) and lastly my current Goddess started a nice and friendly conversation with me. I know that the search can feel very demoralizing but I am glad that I did not give up and kept respectfully messaging people who where interested in finding a submissive. A superficial kink compatibility with a potential Mistress is not something to overlook but before going into too much detail about this it is definetly more important to get to know each other better by being open about your own hobbies and passions and by making your potential owner feel comfortable enough to share their own Edited April 14 by wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Th**** Posted April 14 Posted April 14 14 minutes ago, photoiowa said: Thank you for your reply. I don't have a bio here you can see I am very new here as well so still deciding what i want to share. I was speaking on other sites where I have a full profile. I am not really seeking advice simply adding to the conversation. Someone somewhere lamented the fact that Dommes get ghosted too. I think the take home point I was trying to make was.. when someone puts in effort and does not see results the tendency is to put in less effort. In essence whether intentional or not we train on our environment. If effort is not rewarded you will not get effort. It does not matter if you are the one who did not respond or do respond. Others influence our collective environment. I understand your point but it's also not apples to apples unfortunately. A lot of us are simply *tired* of the sifting and sorting through so many who have next to zero patience and seem to have expectations of things moving at the pace *they* deem appropriate, a handful of messages back and forth isn't enough to determine consistency and many of us would tell you about having men just drop off even after we have given them our time and attention so we become less inclined to give as much in the future without stand out effort from the next person. It might seem unfair and kind of suck but that's how things have come to be for a lot of us. However, the bar for what qualifies for stand out effort is still *really* quite low.Â
photoiowa Posted April 14 Posted April 14 It is the same on both sides. I really is closer to apples and apples then it would seem. More like crab apples and red delicious apples. I think you will find the lack of effort on both sides is part of the issue. Sub side gets pushed towards the predatory fin dommes. They put in min effort and give the attention. While more quality Dommes get pushed from the fuck boys. It really is a micro cosm of the vanilla dating world. Superficial things get in the way of the connection. I think both sides just get exhausted from the chaff and never finding the wheat.Â
ey**** Posted April 15 Posted April 15 16 hours ago, photoiowa said: In my area the local munches are during the week so a challenge to attend I know that this is a little weird to quantify.  like - midweek munches feel a slog, challenging, difficult - cos there's like work and transport and stuff - which I totally know and understand.  But, I also kinda know if someone did reply a message and they were like "we should meet for coffee BUT I can only do midweek" then most folk would find the time/***/etc and make it happen Obviously the counter is, "yeah - but - if I'm meeting someone one to one it's potentially a beginning of something happening, while munches are less predictable" and that's fair - but a lot does come down to priorities. I have literally seen exchanges between men and women which goes, "you can meet me at a munch", "I don't have time/***/whatever to go to a munch etc", "OK, then if your time is short then you don't have time to date me either"Â
photoiowa Posted April 15 Posted April 15 You are not wrong. I would counter that midweek munches in a rural area are more like. "We can meet for coffee at 6pm on Wednesday", would we be able to meet on Saturday afternoon sometime since I work during the day during the week and it's a lot to drive and all? "No, Wed at 6 pm is when I meet people for coffee". Transport to the munch would take about an hour and a half from my house or an hour from work. I am in rural Midwest USA. We kind of spread but don't have much traffic but s***d limits.. It certainly does come down to priorities but also comfort. The people who run munches (and arrange coffee dates) do so at a time that is convenient for them.
ey**** Posted April 15 Posted April 15 yep - absolutely and I can empathise with what a *** in the ass some of the rural areas are.Â
TheZenCommander Posted April 16 Posted April 16 Seeking connection in a rural area can be down right maddening. Curious to ask the subs in this thread.... how would you respond if you were required to video chat and meet in person before getting into lengthy texting conversations? 🤔
Deleted Member Posted April 16 Posted April 16 I would prefer a video chat so both parties can verify each others identity and find get to know that person, find a comfort zone or what not. So yes I would absolutely do one.
TJ38S Posted April 16 Posted April 16 I wouldn't be opposed to the idea. I think it might actually make some things easier that way.
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