Issues starting a conversation

[dade37]

Looking for a better approach.  3 years, and have had 5 women respond to my messages.  One said she doesn't want a BDSM dynamic now.  One said she wants a monogamous relationship (her profile saying ENM/open).  3 other three said hello.  Then nothing

I know you ladies get inundated with messages.  How does one get read, and more so, how does one go about to get you to respond to open a dialog?    Now if the profile says monogamous; I don't write to the lady.  If she has an age range that I am not in; I don't write.   If they are looking for vanilla; I don't write.  Also if they post what type of political views they want, and I don't align with them; I don't write.   Not going to waste someone else's time if I can clearly see that I am not a fit.   My profile is open to the fact that I am in a ENM relationship.  She is aware and encouraging of it.  Not looking for a unicorn, as this is a relationship for me.

This is my typical initial message: 

    Good morning/afternoon/evening (pending time of day I send it),

    I read your profile.  I like that you are _____________.  That fits well because I am __________.   I see you enjoy _______ as well.  Would you care to chat?   or

    I read your profile.  I didn't see much written other then you are a sub.   What is it that you are looking for?   Please take a look at my profile.  If we have things in common, would you care to chat?

 

So basically, I try to find common ground, address it, then ask to conversate.

 

What can be done to improve chances of getting a response?   

[Ol****]

I tend to send the most random and cringe/weird pickup lines / one liners you get a response pretty often, and after the first response you are kinda in the door and more likely to get more response if you were funny enough!

[si****]

Challenge them to a riddle contest

[Da****]

Cut it back a little bit and give them a chance to respond. When you throw all of that info at once, it tends to make people uncomfortable. Start with saying good morning/day/evening. Wait for a response. Typically women will let you know if they might be interested at that point by saying hi or whatever greeting they decide to use, if not move on. But short sentences as you communicate.

[Deleted Member]

Well being polite gets you very far and I'm sorry Hun

[Du****]

You’re not getting a response because what you doesn’t match the majority of the demographics. And if you’re not the most attractive candidate of your demographic then it decreases your pool too. 🤷🏽‍♀️ So, then one is left with accepting that what they want is rare. Enjoy life and if they come then bless up.
OR changing your lifestyle choice to match what the majority would respond to which would probably mean being a single man or a couple seeking a woman. Good luck. (I would vote for the first option since no1 should change themselves for external validation if that’s not what brings them joy.)

[Ma****]

I look at distance to be honest. I am more of a want to meet someone in person versus video chat.

[th****]

Honestly buddy I think we all wonder this every now and then on apps like this. Sometimes it's timing, sometimes it's their interest piqued from the go, sometimes it's just pure luck! Had it before where someone only read my message as they accidentally hit the notification coming in, had a great few weeks and it was a funny story of how they would have ignored it haha. I don't know how those who receive my messages, ads here perceive them but hey, if not well? Not for me! Always find it's the best mindset!

[di****]

You only have one picture and no bio. As someone who is inundated with messages, one/no picture and no bio are usually an easy no. It makes it seem like you put close to zero effort in. But that’s just my two cents 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Ol****]

The thing is stats over the past 10 years have confirmed through tinder and other places to collect data from, 85% of women want only 15-20% of men and than it leaves 15% og women for 80-85% of men which isnt a very good stat, means there is 4+ men per woman that likes that demographic so its all about standing out in your own unique way

[Deleted Member]

I just joined and I’m overwhelmed on here

[DG****]

You need to actually have a profile.
Women want to see what you're willing to tell everyone and they want to see you have confidence in that. You have one picture and no Bio... You're already losing the game before you even send a message.

[as****]

I agree w the lady who said to factor in distance! Also that not having a bio doesn't help u at all

[Th****]

15 minutes ago, diablobabe313 said:

You only have one picture and no bio. As someone who is inundated with messages, one/no picture and no bio are usually an easy no. It makes it seem like you put close to zero effort in. But that’s just my two cents 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. 👆👆

No bio or poor bio and I'm not likely to be interested in spending the time. 

[Ms****]

I would agree to the one pic and nothing on the page as well. I tend to read before I reply

[Deleted Member]

I've been told by several female friends that that I know through poly and swinger events that at least 50% of women on dating sites are only there as a moral/confidence booster and have no intention of actually meeting anyone, so there's that.

[GRUMPYNOPANTS]

Go to a local munch

[Deleted Member]

I always use a short but sweet ...or naughty...greeting snd get more replies than I thought and check in sometimes with ladies that gave me time but you're right it is a desert most times

[ch****]

I have the same issues bro. I tell it like it is and I think my delivery is of maybe.

[MizzAzure]

For me, your picture is a little off putting and your profile isn’t very personalized. I want to know a human exists behind the facade. Your profile picture is a session picture rather than something natural. I prefer a good candid picture and for you to talk with me. Your “format” feels like I’m being talked at. When I respond to a message I do because you’re funny, or you have a good profile with written information I can relate to. It’s not completely transactional. Chemistry can’t happen if you aren’t really putting yourself into your messages.

[Ji****]

First before you send a message scan down and actually look to see when the last time they signed in was. I’m constantly getting matched with women who haven’t signed in to the app in months so I don’t even bother sending a message. So are you messaging women who don’t even use the app anymore but the profile still there?

[yo****]

You fellas just outta touch happens with age

[Fo****]

Brother, I’m gonna shoot you straight. If you read nothing else I type, at least absorb this tl;dr

*************
Add to your bio. Make it personal.
Add 1-2 pictures.
Don’t assume you know what they’re looking for before they’ve even agreed to hear you out.
Rather than your standard intro message, brainstorm a creative way to hook the recipients attention. There is a wealth of information available via google on how to do this. Lean into your wheelhouse and personality.
Pay attention to the “status frame” you’re communicating.
*************

My feedback for you is largely stemming from a nearly 2 decade career in “sales”, account management, business development etc. I’ll be attempting to convey things clearly and without pretense, but due to the nature of text mediums, I hope you’ll forgive me in advance.

First of all, foundationally, DEFINITELY craft a more compelling profile. If you’d like help with that, let me know. What your profile says funnels out much of the tire kickers. In sales we call it pre-qualifying. Nobody wants to go see your 2012 used Corolla when there are 10,000 other 2012 used Corollas with better presentations, or presentations at all.

Pre-qual, rapport building, qualifying, demonstrating mutual respect etc, all of that is very important. But this may shock you:

MANY people, maybe even most people, HATE to be told EVERYthing up front. They need their attention to be “hooked” first. Until you do that, you aren’t even seen as a human being. You’re just, words on the screen of their cell phone. And with dating apps, especially those with a more specialized focus like FET, you need that hook to also prepare your recipient for what’s called the status frame.

The status frame essentially dictates how 2 people are going to interact with each other. My first impression of you as a man, based SOLELY on intro you presented above and assuming my judgement to be inaccurate, is one of “lesser status”. You’re blending a few too many styles together at 1 time and you’re taking away the “Discovery” questions, by answering them before you’re even being greeted.

The message you’ve been sending communicates that you are not going to be an interesting person to talk with. Now I know, and you know, that you’re an intelligent human being and you’ve probably got some situationally relevant depth worth exploring, by way of some quick conversation if nothing else. You’re giving too much detail before grabbing the recipient’s attention. In this fast paced “swipe based” digital dating world, you need to hook the attention before drowning them in “details”.

To echo other responses, dating apps are a numbers game. That is, unless, you tap basic human psychology to make your success more probable.

[Ma****]

The only time ive gotten chats is when they msg me first so ive honestly given up trying to reach out to ppl

[adrenalina75]

Your initial messages are too formulaic. They read like a cut and paste. They’re also boring. I respond either because the message interested me, or because their profile did. Neither your initial messages nor your profile are attention-grabbing.