Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

THE BLACK BRA  

 
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.   

My engaged friend : 
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman  of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.  

The mistress: 
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,

heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.  

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,      

( Scroll down - you will love this.....)                               

 






"What's for dinner, Zorro?"  

[Ze****]

Sex Quotes 1

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nine*** or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers

 

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
Woody Allen

 

A little still she strove, and much repented, and whispering, "I will ne'er consent" - consented.
Lord Byron

 

A man must hug, and dandle, and kistle, and play a hundred little tricks with his bed-fellow when he is disposed to make that use of her that nature designed her for.
Desiderius Erasmus

 

A man needs the sexual conquest to prove that he can still do it, that he can still get it up. It's like having a duel with himself. He has to prove it all the time. We don't have to prove it.
Princess Elizabeth of Yugoslavia

 

A woman never forgets her sex. She would rather talk with a man than an angel, any day.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Anonymous

 

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
Sanskrit Proverb

[Ze****]

Bee Sting

 

  A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round f golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her *** was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

  Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse And asked, "Why are you back in so early?

  What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.

  "Where", he asked.

  "Between the first and second hole", she replied.

  He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your Stance is too wide."

[Ze****]

At The Counsellor's Office

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

[Ze****]

AT THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[Ze****]

A QUICK ROUND OF PSYCHIATRIST Q&A

Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
A: You are fine. How am I?

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

[Ze****]

What's So Funny?

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

[Ze****]

Essex Girls In Heaven

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Patsy, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger" St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Diane have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Ingrid! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Joanna sticks her arse in it!!"

[Ze****]

Bumper Stickers

 

Constipated people don't give a crap.

 

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

So many cats.... So little time.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!

Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

[Ze****]

Bumper Stickers

 

Constipated people don't give a crap.

 

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

So many cats.... So little time.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!

Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

[Ze****]

Say it politely

The Polite way to ***
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go ***.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'!!!!

[Ze****]

THE FREE BEER CHALLENGE

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...

FREE BEER!
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON
WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Ze****]

Return the Dog

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

[Ze****]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Ze****]

Don't Tease Old Ladies

 

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:       I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:       There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:       He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:       No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady:       It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady:       He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:       No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady:       His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady:       Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:       Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Ze****]

Three little ducks go into a bar...... 

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. 

"Huey," was the reply. 

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. 

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,

"So, you must be Louie?" 

 

"No," she said batting her eyelashes,

"My name is Puddles."

[Ze****]

Newfoundlanders Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
  The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
  The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!
  The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:
  *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*'
  I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others.

[Ze****]

How To Stop Snoring

  Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all ***shot.The other two said,"Man, what happened to you?"

  He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.The next night it was the second guy's turn. In themorning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all ***shot.The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

  He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed."Good morning," he said.The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wideawake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"

  He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night.Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

[Ze****]

Kama Sutra - Oldest Indian sex manual

  The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana is the most famous of books on the ancient art of desire and love-making. It is the oldest and best known Indian sex manual.

  Compiled somewhere between the second and fourth centuries B.C., it was written in Sanskrit by the Indian sage Vatsyayana. The work was based on earlier writings on sexual topics dating back as much as three thousand years.

  Written for the wealthy male city-dweller, it was never meant to be a lover's guide for the masses. "Kama" means pleasure or sensual desire. It is the name of the Indian God that represents the sexual nature in man. "Sutra" means short books or aphorisms.

  The Hindu "how-to" is divided into seven parts; general remarks, amorous advances, acquiring a wife, duties and privileges of a wife, relations with other men's wives, and a section about courtesans and occult means. The seventh part is an appendix to the main work.

  The Kama Sutra details the many kissing techniques, courting practices, ways of treating marriage partners as well as consorts, and the concocting of aphrodisiacs.

  The first English edition of the work was privately printed in 1883. Today this earliest surviving example of a written Hindu love-manual still has the power to fascinate with its insight into the ancient sexual mysteries of the Far East and the sensual and sexual play of an ancient culture.

[Ze****]

Made In Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet.

And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Ze****]

The ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"




 

[Ze****]

The old couple

  An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
  'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:
  'Is that one word, or two?'

[Ze****]

Jelly Baby

 A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a softie, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby *** and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me." "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol"

[Ze****]

Best Joke in Ireland 2006

  John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'
  That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
  He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
  The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
  The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Ze****]

Application For A Vasectomy

 

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself ***.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson