Ze**** Posted July 8 Author Posted July 8 Perplexing This stuff keeps me up at night: If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered *** or shoplifting? ________________________________ Can you cry under water? ________________________________ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just ***ed? ________________________________ Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? ________________________________ Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? ________________________________ Why does a round pizza come in a square box? ________________________________ What disease did cured ham actually have? ________________________________ How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? ________________________________ Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? ________________________________ If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? ________________________________ Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? ________________________________ Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put *** in binoculars to look at things on the ground? ________________________________ Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. ________________________________ Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? ________________________________ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? ________________________________ If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? ________________________________ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? ________________________________ If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? ________________________________ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! ________________________________ If Wile I. Coyote had enough *** to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? ________________________________ If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? ________________________________ If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? ________________________________ Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? ________________________________ Why did you just try singing the two songs above? ________________________________ Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? ________________________________ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Ze**** Posted July 8 Author Posted July 8 QUOTES OF THE WEEK The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys. Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. e e cummings (1894 - 1962) First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time. Honore de Balzac (1799 - 1850)
Ze**** Posted July 9 Author Posted July 9 IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY Artery............................ the study of ***tings Bacteria.......................... back door to cafeteria Barium........................... what doctors do when patients die Benign............................ what you be, after you be eight Caesarean section........... a neighbourhood of Rome Catscan.......................... searching for kitty Cauterise........................ made eye contact with her Colic.............................. a sheep dog Dilate............................. to live long Enema............................ not a friend Fester............................. quicker than someone else Fibula............................. a small lie Impotent......................... distinguished, well known Labour ***.................... getting hurt at work Medical staff................... a doctor's cane Morbid........................... a higher offer Nitrates.......................... cheaper than day rates Node............................. I knew it! Outpatient...................... a person who has fainted Pelvis............................. second cousin to Elvis Post operative................ a letter carrier Recovery room............... place to do upholstery Rectum........................... nearly killed him Secretion........................ hiding something Seizure........................... roman emperor Tablet............................. a small table Terminal illness............... getting sick at airport Tumour.......................... one plus one more Urine.............................. opposite of your out ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ze**** Posted July 9 Author Posted July 9 Pension sex. Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 'Pension sex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' QUIET SEx Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife During a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' SEX & ARGUMENTS A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of ***. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could also fly.'
Ze**** Posted July 9 Author Posted July 9 A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit ***." she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing ***?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.
Ze**** Posted July 9 Author Posted July 9 EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
Ze**** Posted July 10 Author Posted July 10 Things Not To Say During Sex 4 Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Ze**** Posted July 10 Author Posted July 10 Woman Pilot ~ A Touching Story The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?" "Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been on the piss." I love these touching stories!
Ze**** Posted July 12 Author Posted July 12 Gardening A nymphomaniac was doing her gardening one sunday afternoon when the wind blew her skirt up to reveal her bare arse. At this moment a dog appeared in the garden and stuck his tongue in her crotch. Without looking around she whispered "whoever you are, I do the gardening three times a week - sunday afternoon, and friday and saturday mornings.
Ze**** Posted July 12 Author Posted July 12 Teachers & Cops: These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favourite...) 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT) 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE) 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Centre) 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't…so here’s yours."
Ze**** Posted July 12 Author Posted July 12 Quick Smiles 2 Why is it hard to have a conversation with a goat? It's always butting in. What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth Pics. What did the mother buffalo say to her son before she left? Bison. What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails! What is at the end of everything? The letter g. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop. How do you turn soup into gold? Add 24 carrots. How do you spell mousetrap with three letters? C- A- T What do you call a computer superhero? A screen saver.
Ze**** Posted July 12 Author Posted July 12 Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on. 1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems? 2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier? 3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee? 4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep? 5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee? b) Right out of the pot? 6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products? 7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein? 8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"? 9. Do you need coffee: a) ...to get up in the morning? b) ...to get out of bed? c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate ***-flow? 10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.) 11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)? 12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency? 13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day? 14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart? 15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house? b) ...in more than five? c) ...in your bathroom? 16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore? b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch? c) ...and it's bad for the environment? 17. Do you grind your own coffee? 18. Do you grow your own coffee? 19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"? 20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez? b) ...and his donkey? c) ...intimately? 21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water? 22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours? b) ...that you don't like? c) ...because it's too frustrating?
Ze**** Posted July 13 Author Posted July 13 In Need Of A Little Light A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight." The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Ze**** Posted July 13 Author Posted July 13 The Creation Of A Pussy Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
Ze**** Posted July 13 Author Posted July 13 Interesting Trivia In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or ***ted. Some ***tings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by ***ters were not based on how many people were to be ***ted, but by how many limbs were to be ***ted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore ***ting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' *************************************************************** As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy. ************************************************************** In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.' ************************************************************** Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile' In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression 'losing face.' ************************************************************** Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . . wore a tightly tied lace. ***************************************** ********************* Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.' **************************************** * *****= **************** Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.' ********************* ***************************************** At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your ' P's and Q's.' ************************************************************** One more: bet you didn't know this! In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on six***. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem..how to prev ent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.) Courage conquers all things: it even gives strength to the body.
Ze**** Posted July 13 Author Posted July 13 Prawns and Cod Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual *** and ***, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
Ze**** Posted July 14 Author Posted July 14 Irish 5 An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
Ze**** Posted July 14 Author Posted July 14 EVER WONDER .... Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is the man who invests all your *** called a broker? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? ------------------
Ze**** Posted July 14 Author Posted July 14 Sex according to Pastor Khathide (Ugandan) A lot of people don't associate sex with God - they associate it with Satan and darkness, as if sex is not holy... !! The bible is explicit when it comes to sex. Sex is holy within marriage, and there is no prescribed style. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the missionary position is the only sexual style. Not discussing sex in a relationship leads to divorce!!!!!. Pastor Khathide has counseled women who've complained: My husband treats me as if I were his brother. There was one who told him: I am tired of getting sex fortnightly, like a salary. Khathide told her she was lucky to be getting sex fortnightly, since some wives only get it on big days, like elections. Many husbands leave their wives to seek sexual pleasures in Hillbrow. Have you ever asked yourself what those women have that you don't. Wives have become very frigid and even sleep with their panties. If you're a married woman, you should sleep naked and let your bum touch your husband. Today you find men going out of their way to get a glimpse of a vagina. They page through magazines and even go to lingerie departments in stores hoping to see what's hidden under panties, because their wives hide it from them. Marriage is about being free with your body in front of your partner. A woman should parade naked and do some modeling to tempt her husband. There are many married women who don't know what their husbands' penises look like. She only feels it when he enters her. They've never touched it, let alone seen it, because the husband switches off the lights before undressing. A penis is a wife' s toy - she is supposed to play with it. He blames couples for not making time for sex and complaining about being tired after a day's work. You find many couples who've been sexually starved for years. God created sex for procreation and also for pleasure. You can't marry and not have a good time in bed. WHO SAID YOU CAN ONLY HAVE SEX AT NIGHT? Why can't you drive home during lunch and have a quickie with your wife? We' re all equal in sex - it's not just about a woman satisfying a man.. You have to satisfy each other. Have you ever seen a woman who has been satisfied? Have you noticed how she glows and becomes energetic? May the Lord Bless you. This is the 'Whole Truth, Nothing But The Truth' so God ! Told Us From The Beginning.
Ze**** Posted July 14 Author Posted July 14 Stranded and Screwed Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided them their food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said. "I think you're hallucinating and you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blond woman, face up and totally ***. The two lawyers went over to her, dragged her up on the beach, and discovered, yes, she was alive. One said the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long time. Do you think we should, ......you know, ... screw her?" The second lawyer, asked, "Out of What?"
Ze**** Posted July 15 Author Posted July 15 Paddy & the Prostitute Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.
Ze**** Posted July 15 Author Posted July 15 Two New Dogs A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooo," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs!"
Ze**** Posted July 15 Author Posted July 15 Quick one A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel, he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she may be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, a missionary sh*g, some doggie-style FUN, some mild bondage, and I think I'd like to finish off with a t*t w*nk. Is that OK"? The lady says: "It does sound intriguing sir, but you may wish to press 9 first to get an outside line."
Ze**** Posted July 16 Author Posted July 16 Food Spoilage Test Finally, a way to know what to throw-out and what to save! EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -- (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray ***s from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT: It never spoils. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. Very, very carefully! RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it's well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a goldfish. Keep a goldfish nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
Ze**** Posted July 16 Author Posted July 16 Soccer Blonde A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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