Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

The Pastor

  The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
  After 6 ***, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
   A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional *** were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
  After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, '*** are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
  Silence fell on the congregation.
  In  the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
  The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[Ze****]

A New Pet

 

  This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

 

  He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

 

  But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
  But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

 
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my darn shoes."

[Ze****]

AMAZING HUMAN BODY

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. 
Women blink twice as often as men. 
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. 
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
WOMEN
Will be finished reading this by now. 

MEN
Are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Ze****]

An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a checkup. She says, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor asks, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowns. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache."

The doctor says, "Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it in. He won't notice a thing."

Weeks later the old lady returns. The doctor asks, "How did it go?"

"Terrible, doctor, terrible. I did as you said, and he got up and ripped his clothes off right there. We made mad love on the table, and it was the best sex I've had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem?"

"Well, " she says. "I can't ever show my face in the diner again."

[Ze****]

For The Dog People

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
--Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down." --Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves." --August Strindberg

"No *** should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
--Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think
we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." --Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog ***." --Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
--James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets." --Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will
ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben
Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it." --Unknown

"*** will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of their
tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does." --Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." --Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
--Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans
are nuts." --John Steinbeck

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." --Unknown

[Ze****]

TOP 6 SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2024

 

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for s***ding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realized it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the
driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2024
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal ***, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand '.

[Ze****]

 MY FIRST TIME!



It was my first time ever 
And I'll never forget 
I'd do it again 
Without a single regret. 

The sky was dark 
The moon was high 
We were all alone 
Just she and I.. 

Her hair was soft 
Her eyes were blue 
I knew just what 
She wanted to do. 

Her skin so soft 
Her legs so fine 
I ran my fingers 
Down her spine. 

I didn't know how 
But I tried my best 
I started by placing 
My hands on her breasts. 

I remember my *** 
My fast beating heart 
But slowly she spread 
Her legs apart. 

And when I did it
I felt no shame 
All at once 
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished 
It's all over now 
My first time ever 

At milking a cow . . . 
 

 

NOW ALL YOU DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS .

[Ze****]

(Be careful, don't over exert yourself)

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags .

 Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).

[Ze****]

More Groans 6

 

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion

Corduroy pillows are making headlines

Dear, must you spend so much *** on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'

Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh

Dieting is a matter of life and breedth

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual.

[Ze****]

Sex Quotes 2

 

 

 

Alas! the love of women! it is known To be a lovely and a ***ful thing.
Lord Byron

 

All lovers swear more performance than they are able.
William Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida

 

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.
Evelyn Waugh

 

Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.
Barbara Cartland

 

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley

 

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
L. M. Boyd

 

As a young man I used to have four supple members and one stiff one. Now I have four stiff and one supple.
Henri, duc d'Aumale

 

As I grow older and older
And totter toward the tomb,
I find that I care less and less
Who goes to bed with whom.
Dorothy L. Sayers

[Ze****]

A lesson from a donkey

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

 

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

 

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

 

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."They then decided they both would walk!

 

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

 

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey".

 

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

 

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the *** and he fell into the river and drowned.

 

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

[Ze****]

The Rabbit and the Blonde

  A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an *** lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
  A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
  "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
  The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
  She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
  Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
  The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
  The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..

 

(Are you ready for this?)

 

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

 

 

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

 

 

 

 

(Last chance)

 

 

 

 

(OK, here it is)

 

 

 

 

It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[Ze****]

Hunting' Bear
  Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
  Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
  Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
  Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.  He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
  The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you.

[Ze****]

A Blonde For Ever

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

[Ze****]

ARE YOU SINGING IN THE SHOWER?

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

[Ze****]

Fire Engine

  A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a Dog and a cat.
  The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'That's a lovely Fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. 'Little colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
  The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........
  "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, Would I?"

[Ze****]

Groans 3

 

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.   The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"  "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.  The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let`s go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub.  There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."

[Ze****]

Just got to laugh

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my ***'s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three ***?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any *** to them, why should I give any to you?" 

 

Blonde Joke
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is." 
 Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh *** and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the *** and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!" 
 
From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your *** had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your *** is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some *** but the envelope was already sealed. 

[Ze****]

Guessing airlines...

 

A guy sitting at Bar at Brussels Airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

  She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh sh!t, she doesn't work for Delta".

  A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk. This time the woman turned on him "What the F**K do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"

[Ze****]

Donald Trump

 

Donald Trump started jogging near the White House.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty Dollars!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five Dollars!" Donald would fire back.
This ritual between Donald and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty !" He'd yell back, "Fiver!"

One day, Melania decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,

Donald realised she'd bark her $50 offer and Melania would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He knew he'd better have a damn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,

Donald became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the tart.
Donald tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the tart yelled, "See what you get for a Fiver?"

[Ze****]

Girls' Night Out

 Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

  Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to ***. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them  thought she would take off her panties and use them.

   Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

   The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

  "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[Ze****]

Buying Flowers

  Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
  Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." 
 The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" 
 The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." 
 The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[Ze****]

Business one-liners 47

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more bug.

There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

There is nothing so habit-forming as ***.

[Ze****]

Constantly complaining about the temperature

 

  A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
  Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
  "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[Ze****]

The secret to a long marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. 

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat a her nice, spend the *** on her, but best of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!" 

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." 

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."