Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of *** and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.

I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the *** and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart

attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

[Ze****]

the Italian Applicant...

I apologise now for this...!!!
_____

  An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
  "Without a numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw Three trees.
  "What's this?" the boss asks.
  "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
  "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
  The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
  The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
  "Each of Da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
  The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
  The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
  The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

 

(You're going to love this one!!!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred..

  So, when I start?"

[Ze****]

Ugly person illness

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

[Ze****]

Trivial Pursuit

 

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

(Answers are below)

 

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two ***s that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19 John Travolta turn ed down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white ***t and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. King Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make *** by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. ######## Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!! 

[Ze****]

VEGETARIAN CHICKEN

Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Sardar and suggested that he become a Catholic.  After several classes and much study, Sardar attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Sardar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Sardar's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Sardar, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken, and you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken and you were raised a lamb but now you are a potato and tomato"

After all, --Singh is King--

[Ze****]

Nail                                      Maggie,  a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One  morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John  says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to  impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2  by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him  where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the  farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the  artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the  front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells  him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly  impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another  ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know  this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple. By the  nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently  .

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'  

She turns and walks away, and with complete  confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Ze****]

Romance Mathematics

 

Romance mathematics 
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more *** than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 

[Ze****]

Why Sex??

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 4-5 inches long when erect; no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth. Incidentally the average vaginal capacity is
Only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong.

3) 80% of American men are circumcised, though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say nothing but time can make your penis grow. (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called 'prostatic congestion.'

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates


+Some stuff on the ladies+
------------------------------

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves 'attractive' (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term 'natural', 24% say
They have 'average' looks, 8% prefer the term 'feminine', 7% say they are 'good looking', and 7% say they are 'cute', and finally only 2% of women say they are 'sexy'.

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.


+Both+
--------------------------------

1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women.

2) 70% of high schoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity on senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.+

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.

4) ***s are most likely to have sex for the first time in JUNE.

5) First-time intercourse is often unplanned, meaning it's less likely ***s will use contraception.

6) Virginity is often lost with a person they HAVEN'T been dating.


+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
---------------------------------------------

1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women
Who don't have sex.

4) Makes you look better; problem is that ugly people don't get any. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.


Did You Know?
----------------------------------------

1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!!!!
 

If you don't resend this you will have bad sex for 7 years (who wants that?)

Resend this as 'Why sex?'

[Ze****]

A Scottish soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a chemists. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal an even smaller silk square handkerchief which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.  The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" asks the Scott.   "Six pence" replies the chemist.  "And how much for a new one?" asks the Scott.
"Ten pence" said the chemist. 
The Scott carefully folds the item away, places it in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist heard a great roar go up outside, followed by another, even louder one.
The Scottish soldier marches back in, this time with a grin on his face and addresses the chemist as follows:-
"The regiment has taken a vote" he said, "we'll have a new one"

[Ze****]

Tourettes pianist
  An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.  Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.  'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
  'Get  the  fucking  manager  of  this  pigs  shit  middle class wankhole please you cunt',  he  says to a somewhat startled barman. However, despite the language the barman obliges and  his manager comes upstairs.
  'Can I help you sir?' says the manager.
  The pianist replies 'Yes  you  can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting  window  and  I'm here  to  audition you wanker.'  The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist ***s him to agree to an audition.
  The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.  At the end the thrilled manager cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful.  What was that called?'
  The pianist says 'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunting slag is blind.'
  'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another, perhaps something a little less lively'.
  'No problem wanker', interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad, which leaves the manager in tears, and through his salty teardrops, asks him the title.  'That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.'
  I see' says the manager, 'have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
  'Well there's my bastard cunting jazz number 'Do  you  want me to split your ring-piece', or there's the epic 'I don't care  if  you're  older  my  dear, you've still got nice jugs'.
  'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of songs are a little racy.  I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
  'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
  On his first night, everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.  The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline, which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
  During the interval, the pianist has such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.  Just as he has shot his muck, he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
  After the show, he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says.
  'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
  She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
  'Do I know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!'

[Ze****]

TRYING TO SELL HER CAR

  A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

  The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

  "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

  "Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

  The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

  About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

  "No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

[Ze****]

Tit For Tat A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real ***." How much ***?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

[Ze****]

DRINK WATER, NOT ALCOHOL - IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!

  It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water every day, at the end of the year, we would have absorbed more than one kilo of the Ecsherichia Coli bacteria, found in water that contains faeces.
  In other words, we consume some 2.2lbs of shit! However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, vodka, gin, whiskey, brandy, lager, bitter, cider, wine or any other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
  It is my sworn duty to communicate to all of you people drinking water to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

Therefore I conclude

  Its better to drink alcohol and talk s**t than to drink water and be full of it!

[Ze****]

Who's Shout Is It?

Two fat blokes walk into the bar and the first one says, "Your round."

"So are you" the second replies.

[Ze****]

Women Bashing Jokes

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time your woman brings it to the couch.

 

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.

 

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - ***, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..."

 

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

 

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

 

If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

 

Why have women got small feet? So they can get closer to the sink.

 

Why have women got legs?
To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.

 

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

 

Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds?
Because even though men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren't blind.

 

What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a women howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.

 

Did you hear about the new home appliance?
You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.

 

How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.

 

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.

 

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

 

How do you change a woman's mind?
Buy her another beer.

 

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

 

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

 

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

 

Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

 

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4. 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

 

Why did god invent alcohol?
So fat women can get laid too.

 

Why do women have two sets of lips?
So they can *** and moan at the same time.

 

What is the difference between your job and your wife?
After 20 years your job still sucks.

 

What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.

 

Why has women got two holes?
so you can carry them like a six pack.

 

Why are women smarter while their having sex?
They're plugged into a genius.

 

What do you call a room full of women with PMS and yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.

 

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

 

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[Ze****]

THE CORNIEST POLICE JOKE EVER 2!

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

[Ze****]

A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Paddy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Paddy, how was your day?"

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says
Paddy"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[Ze****]

The Gynecologist

 

A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place." 

[Ze****]

THOSE NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY PETS

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

[Ze****]

Wrong Number

 

  When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
  I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
  I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
  Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
  After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. 
  When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
  When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my the***utic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" 
  He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
  One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
  A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on s***d dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
  I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
  He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." 
  I asked, "What's your name?"
  He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
  I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
  He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
  I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
  He said, "Yes?"
  I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
  Then I hung up, and added his number to my s***d dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. 
  Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
  He said, "Hello."
  I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
  He asked, "Are you still there?"
  I said, "Yeah,"
  He screamed, "Stop calling me," 
  I said, "Make me," 
  He asked, "Who are you?" 
  I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
  He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front." 
  He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." 
  I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. 
  Then I called Asshole #2. 
  He said, "Hello?"
  I said, "Hello, asshole,"
  He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
  I said, "You'll what?"
  He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," 
  I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." 
  Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. 
  Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
  I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
  NOW I feel much better.
  Anger management really does work

[Ze****]

What Is A Man's Ultimate Embarrassment?

 Well, this is Aunt Clara and I have a a question for you......What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?

Answer:

Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[Ze****]

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational Definitions

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. 
  
Here are the winners: 
 
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your *** to start with.
 
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.
 
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 
 
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-***ted very, very high 
 
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer......like 
 
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 
13. Glibido : All talk and no action. 
 
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 
 
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The  Washington  Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 
 
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 
 
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 
 
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
 
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 
 
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 
 
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 
 
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Ze****]

Zambian teachers say they live in *** of 'invisible sex' with witches. The witches have yet to comment

 

Horny devils are reported to be plaguing Zambia's school system
The week has barely begun and already the gods have served us up a fresh piece of crazy. It seems that teachers at the Nashongo and Makaba primary schools in Siavonga, Zambia have threatened to abandon their posts after a rash of indecent incidents involving invisible witches. According to Chief Sinadambwe of the Tonga-speaking people, the saucy sorcerers have been projecting their spirits into the teachers' bedrooms and molesting them. And they don’t even have the decency to call in the morning.
So far, the witches have declined to comment – but Chief Sinadambwe told the Zambia Daily Mail:
‘The male teachers complained that they have been having sex with women they cannot see. This has been happening to them for about three weeks.’
Dude, that's been happening to a lot of men since they were about 13. I hate to break this to the Chief but there’s actually nothing unusual about a guy having sex without a girl being physically present – in fact for many of us there is literally no other option.
Chief Sinadambwe says that similar incidents have been happening to the women, one of whom claims that she went to sleep and when she woke up found herself naked with her nightgown on the floor. Her husband “expressed ignorance” and the only conclusion that could possibly be drawn was that she was the victim of some esoteric tomfoolery. But the Chief says not to panic – he’s urged everyone to stay calm and “called on Government to help resolve the matter.” His leadership has certainly been reasonable. If this story was relocated to England, the NUT would blame the spate of invisible sex on Michael Gove's free schools and go on strike for the next six months.
I could check my privilege and acknowledge that *** of incubi and succubi was also once common in Europe, or else write sensitively about a foreign culture still rooted in cultural tradition. But Zambia is a country on the move (with a growth rate of around 6.5 per cent, it’s outstripping the UK) and it’s not unreasonable to say that invisible sex attacks should not still be happening anywhere in the world in the 21st century – especially when they are reported by teachers, who one hopes would be educated to a point of thinking such things are a Medieval fairy tale.
Alas, it seems that randy psychic witches are still regarded as quite common in modern Zambia. Back in May, the Mbala District Commissioner also felt compelled to ask local “wizards” to stop molesting teachers and pupils at Chipoka Primary School – the second of such incidents in nine years. What’s worrying about these stories is that a) they represent a sort of sexual *** in themselves, either because they foster mass delusion or else disguise genuine incidents of physical ***, and b) they encourage *** against so-called witches. Just this month, an elderly Zambian couple was accused of black magic, beaten and burned to death. How strange it is that we live in an age of science and light and yet some of the people that we share the planet with still exist in a state of superstitious darkness. If what they believe is preposterous, we should have no shame is stating it – especially if it also potentially dangerous.
But to return to the fundamentally comic image of those male teachers lying awake every night in terror of being molested by an invisible witch. Guys, I have some advice for getting rid of those insatiable ladies of the night. Tell them you’re 31 and you still live with your mother. Trust me – you’ll never see them again.

[Ze****]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES- These really do work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! the blockage will be  instantly removed.

2. Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high *** pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes we need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape .

Remember:Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom .

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance .

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan .

[Ze****]

Fire!__,_._,___

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."Now!