Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

Redneck Babies

  In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

  To keep the nervous redneck busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"

[Ze****]

What Do You Call...

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

A. Fucks Funny!

[Ze****]

The Sea Shore

 

 

 

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively,then speak to them.



Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of *** and
something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling *** and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.


After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have
you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
boom boxes and other electronic devices?'


He hadn't -- and said so.



Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing.'



Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.



The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at
the road.

'Well, Is she selling ***?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife
fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery
salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes ...' he replied -


SCROLL DOWN

 

 

OOOOOOOH - You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will
make your day and I bet you forward it.

 

 

                                                                                 

She sells C cells by the seashore

[Ze****]

Psychopath test

     Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it  reads.  No one I know has got it right.
     A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her ***.

    Question: What is her motive for killing her ***?

     [Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
















     Answer:

     She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer .

      Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

       If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

        If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list...

[Ze****]

Annoying Alien

An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, "zzzt!" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, "If you do that one more time, I'll chop your penis off!''
Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, "zzzt!"

The guy said, "Okay, that's it!" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there.

He then said, "Well, if you don't have a penis, how do you have sex?"

The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said "zzzt!"

[Ze****]

Sex Quotes 3

 

 

 

Bed is the poor man's opera.
Italian Proverb

 

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

 

But be careful that you don't gallop ahead, leaving her behind. And make sure that she doesn't reach the finish before you do.
Ovid

 

But did thee feel the earth move?
Ernest Hemingway

 

Certain times I like sex. Like after a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield

 

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Barbara Bush

 

Condoms should be marketed in 3 sizes, jumbo, colossal, and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.
Barbara Seaman

 

Continental people have sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.
George Mikes

[Ze****]

AT THE COKE MACHINE

A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor.

Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, "What Are You Doing?”

She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."

[Ze****]

Arrabiata? You want to get that checked out..

LONDON - Nearly two-thirds of Britons think the fiery Italian sauce Arrabiata is a sex infection, according to a survey on Friday.

The survey, of 1,015 people and released on World AIDS day, also showed nearly half were unable to identify a range of common sexual complaints.

"What is very worrying is the lack of knowledge about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) revealed in the survey," said sex therapist Emily Dubberley.

"Sixty-three percent in the UK thought an Italian sauce was an STD and over 43 percent couldn't identify any of the common sexual complaints we asked about.

"This ignorance has no excuse in today's world."

The survey, conducted by pollsters MYVOICE, also found that 48 percent of respondents found body odour and poor personal hygiene a turn off against just 4 percent who felt the same about a refusal to wear a condom.

The poll also found that 35 percent of people looked for information about sex on the Internet against 27 percent who consulted magazines.

In contrast only 4 percent went to their doctors.

[Ze****]

An Accidental Encounter

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Ze****]

Blonde Stewardess
________________________________
 
 An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
 The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
 The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Ze****]

Blonde Cashier

A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."

[Ze****]

Brothel 'discount' for OAPs

 

Pensioners are used to getting special rates on meals, haircuts and bus fares, but now a brothel in Germany is offering over 65s a discount too.

The Pascha in Cologne is offering 50% off during the afternoon, providing the pensioners take proof of their age with them. Pensioners will get half price services between midday and 5pm every day.

 

"There's been plenty of demand and people have certainly been taking advantage of the offer," a brothel spokesman said. "Older folks are more active than you think."

[Ze****]

Sex Quotes 4

 

 

 

Cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth…certainly greater than sex, although sex isn't too bad either.
Harold Pinter

 

Do not breed. Nothing gives less pleasure than childbearing. Pregnancies are damaging to health, spoil the figure, wither the charms, and it's the cloud of uncertainty forever hanging over these events that darkens a husband's mood.
Marquis de Sade

 

Do not let too strong a light come into your bedroom. There are in a beauty a great many things which are enhanced by being seen only in a half-light.
Ovid

 

Do you not know how uncontrolled and unreliable the average human being is in all that concerns sexual life?
Sigmund Freud

 

Does it really matter what these affectionate people do - so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses!
Mrs. Patrick Campbell, on homosexuals

 

Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things . . . nose-***ting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.
William Shakespeare, Macbeth

 

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield

 

Erection is chiefly caused by scuraum, eringoes, cresses, crymon, parsnips, arti***s, turnips, asparagus, candied ginger, acorns bruised to powder and drank in muscadel, scallion, sea shell fish, etc.
Aristotle's Masterpiece, published 1684 - not written by Aristotle

[Ze****]

Biggest ... Coverup ... Ever: Officials in the town of Fuij-Kawaguchiko, Yamanashi Prefecture, Japan, faced with crowds of tourists blocking a sidewalk, decided to cover something up: Mt. Fuji. More specifically, they decided to erect a 20-by-25-meter sheet of black plastic to block a particular view of the mountain, in which it seemed to sit atop a convenience store. A dentist concerned about tourists impeding access to his office and about masses of litter was among those lobbying officials to do something about the view; there were also concerns about jaywalking and leaning into traffic. “We wanted foreign tourists to enjoy themselves, but there was no improvement in the bad manners,” tourism official Masakazu Togawa said. Plastic cones, a “No Crossing” sign, and even security guards had failed to solve the problems. (AC/Asahi Shimbun) ...Now let’s see what Fujin, the god of wind, makes of that sheet of plastic.

[Ze****]

Three legionnaires

  Three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough dehydrated water tablets for days, and food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went and came again, visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour.   But no avail, the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing."Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't that a bacon tree on the horizon?" And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object afar off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimeter, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree.

  Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and pour water over his face, they could hear his faint voice:

  "That was no bacon tree," he gasped, "that was a ham bush."

[Ze****]

Wally's Wedding Night

  At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
  Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
  After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.
  Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
  They unite as one.
  All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
  After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
  Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
  When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
  She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other.
  But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
  Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'

  The moral of the story:
  Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

THE END

[Ze****]

IN THE PHYSICS CLASS

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

[Ze****]

Like the sound of this mayor?

 

This is as it should be!

  A maverick mayor elected after promising to slash council spending, clear the streets of yobs and ditch politically correct services is the torchbearer for how towns should be run.
  On his first morning as Mayor of Doncaster in South Yorkshire, Peter Davies cut his salary from £73,000 to £30,000 then closed the council’s newspaper for "peddling politics on the rates". Now three weeks into his job, Mr Davies is pressing ahead with plans he hopes will see the number of town councillors cut from 63 to just 21, 
saving taxpayers £800,000.Mr Davies said: "If 100 senators can run the United States of America, I can’t see how 63 councillors are needed to run Doncaster".
  He has withdrawn Doncaster from the Local Government Association and the Local Government Information Unit, saving another £200,000. Mr Davies said, "They are just talking shops". "Doncaster is in for some serious untwinning. We are twinned with probably nine other cities around the world and they are just for people to fly off and have a binge at the council’s expense".
  The mayor’s chauffeur-driven car has also been axed by Mr Davies and the driver given another job. Mr Davies, born and bred in Doncaster, swept to power in the May election with 24,244 votes as a candidate for the English Democrats, a party that wants tight immigration curbs, an English Parliament and a law forcing every public building to fly the flag of St. George.
  He has promised to end council funding for Doncaster ’s International Women’s Day, Black History Month and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History Month. He said, "Politicians have got completely out of touch with what people want."
  "We need to cut costs. I want to pass on some savings I make in reduced taxes and use the rest for things we really need, like improved children’s services".
  Mr Davies has received messages from well wishers across the country and abroad as news of his no-nonsense approach spreads. Now it’s your chance to spread this most sensible way to run a town council.

[Ze****]

Irish Doctor.   A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf,so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I  want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"
  "Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
  The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
  Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
  "Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
 "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
 "Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor
 "Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven'tseen a  man!'"
  "Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"
  "I put drops in her eyes!"

[Ze****]

A Man And His Duck

 

  There is this man who has a duck for his best friend and pet. This man takes his duck everywhere he goes. The best thing they like to do together is see western movies, they just love them.

  While walking down the street one day they came across a movie theater that is playing their all time favorite western, so the man decides to go inside and watch the movie, but the woman selling the tickets says "I'm sorry but there are no ducks allowed in the theater".

  The man was outraged and really wanted to see the movie, so he went around the corner and shoved the duck down his pants then goes into the theater to see the movie. Once in, he gets to his seat and pulls down his Zipper so the duck can watch the movie with him.

  Along come two girls who sit beside him.

  A short time later the first girl says to the second girl "This man's Zipper is down"

  The second girl replies "So what, you've seen one you've seen them all".

  zFirst Girl "Yeah but this one has eaten my popcorn!"

[Ze****]

  Paddy the Irishman died in a fire  and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
  Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
  So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.
  The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
  Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
  The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,'No, it ain't Paddy'.
  The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
  Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
  'What? He had two arseholes???' said the mortician.
  'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'

[Ze****]

Business one-liners 41

 

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.

The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

The most interesting results happen only once.

The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.

[Ze****]

A bear, a lion and a chicken, meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering  with ***."

Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is  afraid of me."

The chicken says: "Big deal I only have to cough, and the  entire planet s***'s itself."

[Ze****]

50 years!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you."
Yes. she says. "I remember it well."
OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Gary, you old devil, that sounds crazy, but great!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering,the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes
back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got
to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret! to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

________________________________

[Ze****]

Gay Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very attractive woman, and also determined to keep the ranch. As she knew very little about ranching, she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied: one was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and carefully about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching

For weeks, the two of them worked together, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels a bit.

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the next Saturday night.

One o'clock in the morning came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He finally returned around two-thirty and, upon entering the ranch-house, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. Quietly, she called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." Again, he did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take of my socks" He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, nervously watching her eyes in the fire light as it fell to the floor.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the flickering light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him, her eyes gleaming, and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, - you're fired".