Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

Problem with English....

  There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in St. Louis.The poor lady was not very  proficient in English, but she managed to communicate with her husband.
  The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
  One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
  She didn't' know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
  The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it in English, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady then got what she wanted.
   The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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   What were you thinking?

   Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

 

 

 

   Now get back to work...........
_______________________________

[Ze****]

Dad at the shopping centre 

  I took my dad shopping the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a ***ager sitting next to him. The ***ager had spiked hair in all different colors: green , red , orange , and blue. My dad kept staring at him.  The ***ager would look and find him staring every time. When the  ***ager had enough , he sarcastically asked , 'What's the matter old man ,   never done anything wild In your life?'
  Knowing my Dad , I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not *** on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

  And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.]

  'Got drunk once and f * cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Ze****]

IN THE PHILOSOPHY FINAL

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

[Ze****]

Wish Fulfillment

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[Ze****]

A Night At The Farmhouse

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

[Ze****]

Keeping Myself Pure

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

[Ze****]

Business one-liners 42

 

The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

The one thing that *** can not buy is poverty.

The one who does the least work will get the most credit.

The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

The one you want is never the one on sale.

The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.

The only real errors are human errors.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.

[Ze****]

IN THE PHYSICS CLASS

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

[Ze****]

Rocky The Rooster

 

  Rocky the rooster was the biggest, meanest rooster in the world and spent his time beating the crap out of all the ***s on the farm. one day he picked on the farmyard cat. Unfortunately the act beat the crap out him.

  The moral of the story? No matter how big the cock is - the pussy can always take it.

[Ze****]

ANOTHER QUICK RIDDLE

A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes the blonde 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?

She had to stop to ask for directions.

[Ze****]

THE STUDENT PSYCHIATRIST FROM TEXAS

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

[Ze****]

Sex With A White Woman

  Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, " You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
  The second black guy says,"Yeah, all the time."

  The other says, "Why is that?"

  The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray”

[Ze****]

What the?

[Ze****]

EXPECTING A FIGHT?

  Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar. 
  Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. 
  Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...." 
  Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!"

[Ze****]

2 Dwarves
  Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes  and take them to their separate hotel  rooms.
  The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the  next room, he hears his little friend shouting out  "Here I come again . ONE, TWO, THREE...OOOF!" all night long.
  In the morning, the second dwarf asks  the first, "How did it go?"
  The first mutters, "It was so  embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
  The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"  "I couldn't even get on the f*cking  bed.."

[Ze****]

Business one-liners 43

 

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.

The other line always moves faster.

The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.

The person not here is the one working on the problem.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

[Ze****]

Half Wit

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages
to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.   The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.    Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.   He also sleeps
with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[Ze****]

Revenge Story

1. I was fired from my position as General Manager of a subsidiary of an American company here in the UK. Although I was told by colleagues and friends that I was doing a superb job and the business had turned around under my stewardship... It hurts when your told your too f.... expensive by a guy that’s just flown across the pond to tell me that!
I was told not to use the company car and it would be collected later that week . well time went by I started to use the car ( having checked with the insurere that it was ok) I ran it for 3-4 months by which time I had bought a business and was about to relocate.
I tried to get the car collected and was told by my former boss the asshole that I should put it some place safe and it would be collected.
The safest place I could think of was the Short term park in the middle of Heathrow airport it's about £7 an hour! I parked it there and sent the keys by snail mail to the US HQ of the company. I know it was collected about 3 weeks later and the cost was phenomenal!
I heard later that the boss that fired me got canned a few weeks later. OH! and the UK sub closed down.

[Ze****]

A Midnight Snack Surprise A colleague approached this man at lunch that invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[Ze****]

Business one-liners 44

  The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
  The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
  The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
  The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
  The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
  The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
  The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

[Ze****]

very Irishman's Wish

An Irish-man finds a bottle in his garden, and when he rubs it, a genie comes out.

"You have three whishes", the genie says.

The Irish-man thinks for a little while, and then he says: "i would like to have a bottle of the finest whisky in the world, and that no matter how much i drink from it, it will never empty".

Immediately after finishing his sentence, a bottle of great whisky falls into the irishman's hand. He starts drinking it, taking one big gulp after another. But then, after finishing drinking, he finds that the bottle is still completely full.

"Well, what are your next two wishes?", asks the jiny.

"I would like two more bottles just like that one!", answers the irish-man.

Business one-liners 44

  The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
  The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
  The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
  The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
  The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
  The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
  The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

[Ta****]

I gotta a dig bick hahaha

[Ze****]

Nymphomaniac

 

  A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". 
  I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 
  "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." 
  "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[Ze****]

Tomato Garden

  An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
  I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

  A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
  Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

  At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

  That same day the old man received another letter from his son. 

Dear Pop,
  Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

---

[Ze****]

Heaven

An answer that only a child from Glasgow could think of:

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my *** to the church, would that get me into Heaven ?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to ***s and gave sweets to all the children,
and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

 

A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out, 'YOU'VE GOT TAE  BE FUCKIN' DEID'