Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

Private Health Care

  The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything.
  During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was w*nking. "Oh my!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful,what is the meaning of this?"
  The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem, he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode,and he would die instantly.
  "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
  On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a bl*w-job "Oh my goodness!", said the Queen, "What on earth is happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with Bupa".

[Ze****]

Hair Removal Review

 

"I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the ***. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more ***ful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more ***ful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating *** I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted ***.

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars."

[Ze****]

Top Tips for 2024........

 

  Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

  Don't waste *** buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

  Always poo at work. Not only will you save *** on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

  Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

  Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

  An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

  Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

  Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

  Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

  Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

  High *** pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

  Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

  Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

  A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

  Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

  At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

   Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

  Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

  AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

  HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

  DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[Ze****]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age? 

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, 
what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: 
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: 
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him? 

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and 
excited. I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that 
I just lay down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!' 

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' 
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Ze****]

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly d*** it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold"The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiness way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such *** that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for *** of being dragged in too

At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ...........

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about

[Ze****]

Cocktails

 

  A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm let's see what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction.

  Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!"

  Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?"

  The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!" Nope, but you're close, the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

[Ze****]

3 Corporate Lessons to learn from.

    Corporate Lesson 1

      A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
        After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.  "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
       Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

     Corporate Lesson 2

       A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg.  The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
       The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide down to her leg again.  The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
       The priest apologized "Sorry *** but the flesh is weak."
       Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

       Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

     Corporate Lesson 3

       A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
       "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk.  "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a s***dboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
       "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
       "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

     Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

[Ze****]

True blue Aussie spirit!
**************************************************************************
  Send this to all your Aussie mates. Whoever said Australians were dumb and not very thoughtful was wrong....
Aussie ingenuity at its best!
 
Telephone conversation goes:
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great  numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?" 
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate" 

[do****]

37 minutes ago, Zeus2512 said:

True blue Aussie spirit!
**************************************************************************
  Send this to all your Aussie mates. Whoever said Australians were dumb and not very thoughtful was wrong....
Aussie ingenuity at its best!
 
Telephone conversation goes:
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great  numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?" 
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate" 

Classic 😂

[Ze****]

The Top Ten Reasons

Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[Ze****]

The Bible for Dummies

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval *** device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[Ze****]

Best T-Shirts Of The Summer

1.      (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.

2.      So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

3.      I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.

4.      God Made Us ***s, Prozac Made Us Friends.

5.      If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.

6.      At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All.

7.      My Mother Is A Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.

8.      I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do.

9.      (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.

10.  If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11.  Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.

12.  Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

13.  No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman").

14.  I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.

15.  (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.

16.  Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

17.  What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.

18.  I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

19.  (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge.

20.  Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things are Just Better Rich.

21.  Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For ***.

22.  Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

23.  IRS--Be Audit You Can Be.

24.  Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

25.  If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.

26.  Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

27.  The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt.

28.  If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You.

29.  Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.

30.  In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.

31.  First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

[Ze****]

BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR ( bit rude)

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her   mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have
any ***. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did. "Now take down my zipper".

She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, tentatively said...........



"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

[Ze****]

 

"Red Indian introduced me to his wife

 

This is Four Horses,

 

Wow thats a lovely name

 

What does it mean?

 

 

 

 

 

 fuckin, nag,nag,nag,nag

 

[Ze****]

Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.  

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.  

Number 8 - Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!  

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.  

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.  

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?  

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.  

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2024:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the United Kingdom but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration?

[Ze****]

Password

 

During a recent password audit at my bank they found I was using the password MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofyDublin

When they asked me why I had such a long password

I replied are you fucking stupid? I was told my password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital.

[Ze****]

Barbie Girl

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie:£19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.99 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's ***
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend..."

[Ze****]

The First Condom

In 1837 the Welsh invented the worlds first condom as we know it from sheeps bladders.

The Welsh condom didn't become popular until the English re-worked the design in 1845 by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

[Ze****]

France Elevates its Security Level

   As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
  It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".
   The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
   Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".
   The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "***ved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "***y Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "***y Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

[Ze****]

Essex Girls

 

 2 Essex girls sitting in a bar, really fit guy walks in with bad dandruff.
1st one says, 'He needs Head and Shoulders',
2nd one says 'How do you give shoulders'?

[Ze****]

ROBBERS - True Story

 By far the best email I've read so far....For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this:(And it's a true story...)

 On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.

  But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

  As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure.

 The woman froze.

 Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.

  Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and *** immobilized her.

  She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

  Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

  Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another.

  Her *** increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

  Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my *** and spare me, she prayed.

 

 

 More seconds passed.

 

  She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."

  The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

  The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.

  They reached down to help her up.

  Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

   The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

   When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

  As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

  The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

  The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

  It was signed;

  Eddie Murphy

  Michael Jordan

 

 

 P. S. - Pass this around so others can enjoy!!!!

[Ze****]

Late For Church

 

  One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...."
  And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, "Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!"

[Ze****]

A Slightly Confused ***ager

A ***ager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the ***ager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

[Ze****]

Who was drinking more?

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Bellevue, WA

On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.

The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not ***.

They each injured themselves and not the other.

It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the ***.

[Ze****]

Five good riddles


1.  A ***er is condemned to death.  He has to choose between three rooms.  The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.  Which room is safest for him?

2.  A woman shoots her husband.  Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.  Finally, she hangs him.  But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.  How can this be?

3.  What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4.  Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5.  This is an unusual paragraph.
I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.  It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.  In fact, nothing is wrong with it!  It is highly unusual though.
Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.  But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.  Try to do so without coaching!