Ze**** Posted May 27 Author Posted May 27 Three Bulls Three bulls heard via the g***vine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine." The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eigh***-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE *** IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Ze**** Posted May 29 Author Posted May 29 Itchy Parts A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt. ''How's that?' 'Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there.' Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes. 'How's that?' he asks again more confident. 'That's wonderful! What did you do?' 'I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'
Ze**** Posted May 29 Author Posted May 29 Hair Remover or the one to bring tears to your eyes "As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox. Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat. He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on ?????? about XXXX for men and suggested I give it try. Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing *** began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork. I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared. When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off. Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by XXXX, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team. 5 Stars from me."
Ze**** Posted May 29 Author Posted May 29 MAKING PARTNER A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he is talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her *** owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asks if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man says, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist says, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my ***." When she returns, she says, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
Ze**** Posted May 30 Author Posted May 30 A HANDFUL OF QUICKIES A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?" The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall." A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place." So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . . A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink." Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
Ze**** Posted May 30 Author Posted May 30 A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
Ze**** Posted May 30 Author Posted May 30 How They Have Sex BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRY WALLER'S are better bangers. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. HUNTERS do it with a bang. MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye. LAWYERS do it in their briefs. LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet. MARKETING REPs do it on commission. PLUMBERS do it under the sink. RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.. REPAIRMEN can fix anything. SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
Ze**** Posted May 31 Author Posted May 31 Can you guess the gender of these items? SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON -- male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought it would be male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Ze**** Posted May 31 Author Posted May 31 Ryanair Treatment "Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'....... Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his ***. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland" "That is remarkable value" Michael comments "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of€4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again" "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".
Ze**** Posted May 31 Author Posted May 31 Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you tothink people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.. So, let's allget drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The cons umption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, a s explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brai n cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Ze**** Posted May 31 Author Posted May 31 51 minutes ago, Starbellyangel said: The best safe word is “meatloaf”! It means “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that” Love it.
Ze**** Posted May 31 Author Posted May 31 Fishing Jokes One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk." An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish. Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it! Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it! Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!" Why fishing is better than making love * When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good - If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. * Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither. - And don't want to know how many other fish you caught. * In fishing you lie about the one that got away. - In loving you lie about the one you caught. * You can catch and release a fish. You don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go. * You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish. * You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid. - If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. * Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Ze**** Posted May 31 Author Posted May 31 The Pregnant ***ager An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari Stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey Hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry Her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?" At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.. "You shag her again."
Ze**** Posted May 31 Author Posted May 31 Rome's Blessing Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "That you did Father." The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she. "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went. A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!
Deleted Member Posted June 1 Posted June 1 So how do you know there is an elephant in your bed …. It has a big E on its pajama pocket!
Deleted Member Posted June 1 Posted June 1 Crocodile walks into a bar and asks for a beer, the bar person asks ‘ What’s up?’ , crocodile says ‘Nothing , why do you ask?’ .. Ba person replies, ‘You have a long face’ ….
Deleted Member Posted June 1 Posted June 1 A distraught owner takes an unresponsive pet rabbit to the vet. The vet lies it in his table and takes a look, then he opens the door and a cat walks in and hops up onto the table, takes a sniff and a look then walks out. The vet whistles and dog comes ambling through the door, put its paws up on the table, and has a good look then walks out. Vet turns to the owner and says ‘sorry there is nothing I can do, the rabbit is dead’ at that the vet goes to his desk and writes up an invoice for £500, the owner takes one look and exclaims ‘£500 .. to tell me me rabbit is dead???’ .. vet replies, ‘Yes, £250 for the CAT scan and £250 for the Lab report’…
Deleted Member Posted June 1 Posted June 1 I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' – I think I might have Florets.
Deleted Member Posted June 1 Posted June 1 Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Deleted Member Posted June 1 Posted June 1 I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.
Ze**** Posted June 2 Author Posted June 2 More Jokes 1) Scientists Have Just invented a camera with a shutter so fast it is now possible to take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed. 2) Sorry we haven't been to see you for a while but there has been a blackout in the streets.... We had to wait indoors until someone shot the fucker. 3) Michael Jackson has sacked his Chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdict. Mr. Poke Em Yung feels Michael is overreacting. 4) Best day of my life. was walking down the aisle with my wife towards the vicar, everyone happy and smiling. The vicar said a few words. I kissed her then shut the coffin lid. 5) You must watch Top Of The Pops tonight. There's a new dyslexic lesbian duo singing "Is this The Way To Ram A Dildo" 6) What has an illegal immigrant got in common with a sperm? Millions of the fuckers come flooding in, but only one bastard works. 7) Two eggs boiling in a saucepan, One Male and one female. She turns to him and says "Look I've got a crack". He replies "No point in telling me I'm not fucking hard yet!"
Ze**** Posted June 2 Author Posted June 2 Bath Time ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire....... "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.... After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!".
Ze**** Posted June 2 Author Posted June 2 You Need to Join the Lord's Army Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!' Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.' Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?' He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
Ze**** Posted June 2 Author Posted June 2 Italian Girl A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, How was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" She asked. "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for Nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Ze**** Posted June 2 Author Posted June 2 And On The Menu Today We Have... A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50. Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50. Hand Job: - $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
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