Deleted Member Posted June 3 Posted June 3 A guy walks into the car dealership and asks ‘ do you have a filler cap for a Proton Saga’ , the person serving replies ‘Ok , that seems like a fair swap’!
Deleted Member Posted June 3 Posted June 3 So the M4 motorway goes to a pub and gets a beer, then a strip of tarmac rolls in and pushes the M4 up the bar and says ‘get out my F****** way. The barman turns to the M4 and asks why it is standing for that, your way bigger than that tarmac .. the M4 says ‘Sod that mate.. that tarmac is a cyclepath’!
Deleted Member Posted June 3 Posted June 3 Yeah I know , that last one was surreal.. but still makes me laugh!
Ze**** Posted June 3 Author Posted June 3 And On The Menu Today We Have.. .A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50. Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50. Hand Job: - $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Ze**** Posted June 3 Author Posted June 3 Business one-liners 111 Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you. Franklin's Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored. Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Ze**** Posted June 5 Author Posted June 5 Letter to the Doctor Doctor, I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tango and the samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha. A doctor suggested using the safe period. At the time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty, needless to say it didn't work. A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast feeding we would be alright. Well, its hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy - and my wife was pregnant. Another old wives tale we heard about was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this will prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself out. I asked a chemist about the sheath, the chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me because I fail to see how a durex stretched over the thumb of a chemist can prevent babies. She was the supplied with the coil, and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised that we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw. The Dutch Cap came next, we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but it gave my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead. Finally, we tried the pill, at first it kept dropping out, then we tried putting it between her knees thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night we forgot the pill. You must appreciate my problem, if this operation is unsuccessful, I will revert to oral sex, although talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely,
Ze**** Posted June 5 Author Posted June 5 Guts or Balls... There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.'' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death...
Ze**** Posted June 5 Author Posted June 5 Try this one...it works THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!! Be Careful not to MISS ANY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Scroll down ..................... TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC Some people are easy to amuse.
Ze**** Posted June 5 Author Posted June 5 An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.” Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Italian looks at him. “We didn’t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.” Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand. “Supplies!” he yells.
do**** Posted June 5 Posted June 5 22 minutes ago, Zeus2512 said: Try this one...it works THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!! Be Careful not to MISS ANY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Scroll down ..................... TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC Some people are easy to amuse. SOB 😂
Ze**** Posted June 7 Author Posted June 7 Body Facts It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs
Ze**** Posted June 7 Author Posted June 7 Softening The Blow Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Ze**** Posted June 7 Author Posted June 7 IRS Clothes The IRS Visit Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said. Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice. "Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."
Ze**** Posted June 7 Author Posted June 7 Sometimes... When you are in ***... No one sees your hurt. Sometimes... When you are worried.. No one sees your stress. Sometimes... When you are happy.. No one sees your smile . - - - - - - - - - - But FART!! Just ONE time... And everybody knows!!
Ze**** Posted June 8 Author Posted June 8 Soldier Assistance Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
Ze**** Posted June 8 Author Posted June 8 NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND..... I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot. 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7.. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyreadireathethe shits. 12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor. 23. Mary ann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her *** was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
Ze**** Posted June 8 Author Posted June 8 A Very Deep Hole Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Ze**** Posted June 9 Author Posted June 9 My Life My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
Ze**** Posted June 10 Author Posted June 10 INHERITANCE BLUES A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me £25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me £90,000." "Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." His friend continued. "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Ze**** Posted June 10 Author Posted June 10 Sara Pipalini Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "***s, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No ***, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you're going straight to hell! THE DEVIL MADE ME SEND THIS.
Deleted Member Posted June 10 Posted June 10 Why are there so many man walks into a bar jokes? Most people learn to duck after the first and they stopped laughing
Ze**** Posted June 11 Author Posted June 11 Elephant Trunk After cocktails, the man's prick crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the prick came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don t believe I saw what I think I just saw...can you do that again ?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "I d like to, but I don t think my arse can take another crusty roll !"
Ze**** Posted June 11 Author Posted June 11 THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD FOLKS: A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of ***t. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of ***t in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of ***t, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the ***t on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Ze**** Posted June 11 Author Posted June 11 Is yer Dad home? A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Greg? Is he here?" "He went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
Ze**** Posted June 11 Author Posted June 11 Things Not to Say During Sex 2 But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Did you know the ceiling needs ***ting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that *** on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people.. Do you know the definition of statutory ***? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel.
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