Overcoming trust issues

[je****]

I'm looking for tips on shifting my mindset. I'm new to kink and joined mainly to find ways to calm my constantly racing thoughts. Unfortunately, communication hasn't been great with the people I've met so far, and trust is a huge issue for me. Despite the challenges, I've been pushing myself to open up, but it's been tough.

I thought I found the perfect person who was experienced and seemed open to helping newcomers. We shared several interests, and everything seemed great initially, especially when we met. Our first session confirmed everything I had read about the benefits of kink. However, things felt off after he 'forgot to hit send' on a reply message to me the next day, making me wonder if he was dealing with personal stuff. But since I can only go off what I know, I had to rethink things. 

Then, I met another guy who lied about his name and his experience. I may be new here, but it was clear he wasn't as experienced as he claimed. That really shook me because I had ignored my gut feeling about him, which made me pretty mad at myself.

I had a couple of weeks off work, no kids, and decided to try again and reached out to the first guy again in an effort to see if he was free. When he dodged my question and flipped it back on me asking what my plans were, I decided he wasn't right for me. When I finally communicated this to him I didn't even get a response back.

The second guy, I get it—he probably has a lot of insecurities about his desires. But that's not something I should have to deal with.

I never got the chance to talk to the first guy about how helpful our session was, so now I'm left feeling frustrated and more distrustful than before. I came here to better my mental health, not deal with everyone else's issues. I've got enough of my own, trust me.

It took alot to open up initially and now I feel like I've taken 10 steps back. Beyond annoying. 😪 Any tips or advice would be hugely appreciated. This girl needs to get back out there and get some relief. 😈

[Bi****]

Hmmm. Keep looking. Once you find a great Dom, he will teach you how to work out the Foms and the weirdos WAY faster. He will also give you huge confidence, and teach you how to explore and express yourself with control and safety. xxx

[Bi****]

I’m going to guess a little bit that you may have been hasty. Too eager with your trust, to eager to get out there end have the physical side of the experience. You will be very popular in sure, so roll that back a shade, and get them to take their time in earning you, earning what you are.

[Deleted Member]

Unfortunately your story, @jess_may , sounds similar to the experiences many others have made. However, unlike others, you have found the courage to "grab the bull by the horns" and step out into the open and show yourself. Even to the extent that you put your feelings and emotions out there showing that you're not even afraid to present your *** core! I applaud your courage and hope that the first guy you mentioned may stumble across this post and learns how helpful your experience with him was.
Do not allow yourself to be disheartened by the experiences that followed the first one!

[ge****]

Unfortunately there are a lot of "the second guys" out there and there really isn't a great deal you can do other than taking time exchanging messages and building a level of trust with people you talk to, getting to know them and how informed they are etc along the way - it will mean coming across a lot who get discarded - but that's not necessarily about trust as finding people you're matched with and who match with you...same as any other relationship.
.
When it comes to the first guy, was there something more than the "forgot to press send" and him turning the question back on you things? As both in isolation are plausible things - he may genuinely have forgotten to press send and perhaps by asking what your plans were when you contacted him again he was trying, albeit clumsily, to establish when you were free so he could match his own diary. Think my point is that unless there was something else, I don't think either are necessarily reasons for you to have called a halt to things.
.
That said, I also get it when it comes to finding a level of trust and feeling comfortable to open up etc - and on-line via sites like this that can be hard to do and take time to find the right people and the only real way to do so, is by taking time, trusting your gut instincts etc.
.
Perhaps getting along to local munches and kink events might be a better option for you - especially munches (socials for kinksters) where it's a social setting and gives you a chance to interact face to face and get a proper "feel" for people.

[Ma****]

You can’t shift your mindset without facing some things you probably didn’t want to face so sorry in advance -
Kink relationships and experiences can be emotionally intense. If you are thinking getting a Dom to look after you is going to fix your insecurities/trust issues then your experiences are going to continue much as they have been so far. Any Dom you meet is going to be working out if they trust you at the same time that you are working out if you trust them. I suspect that the first guy you met decided he was getting red flags from you and decided to take a step back. The second guy unfortunately is a result of an unreasonable expectation that all Doms be experienced meeting someone who is prepared to lie to make their lives easier.
Really I think you should be working on resolving your personal issues before getting involved in kink or involving someone else but if you do want some advice on trust I can offer this: Trust is earned and it goes both ways. Don’t expect to trust someone - instead give someone the opportunity to earn your trust, and don’t expect them to trust you, you have to earn their trust as well.

[je****]

1 hour ago, BigJonDomx said:

I’m going to guess a little bit that you may have been hasty. Too eager with your trust, to eager to get out there end have the physical side of the experience. You will be very popular in sure, so roll that back a shade, and get them to take their time in earning you, earning what you are.

Normally, I'd agree with you 100%. By nature I'm quite impulsive but I feel like I definitely wasn't hasty the first time. Probably got a bit cocky with the second though and didn't ask enough questions, maybe?

[je****]

1 hour ago, BlackFlogger said:

Unfortunately your story, @jess_may , sounds similar to the experiences many others have made. However, unlike others, you have found the courage to "grab the bull by the horns" and step out into the open and show yourself. Even to the extent that you put your feelings and emotions out there showing that you're not even afraid to present your *** core! I applaud your courage and hope that the first guy you mentioned may stumble across this post and learns how helpful your experience with him was.
Do not allow yourself to be disheartened by the experiences that followed the first one!

Oh, I wouldn't say I'm not afraid. Pretty good at masking. Lol. But, thank you. 😊 

[Tr****]

Sounds like you have been through the wringer but before you blame yourself just realize that everyone is different and in real life there’s usually no Cinderella endings as much as that sucks don’t give up on yourself since you’re the best one to rely on. Pandora closed the box just in time to keep hope inside so we all still have that going for us. Best of luck with everything you hope for 🙏

[je****]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

I don't think either are necessarily reasons for you to have called a halt to things.

I agree for the most part and no, it wasn't just those 2 instances. Nothing major at all. All communication based. Honestly, it was kind of a perfect storm. I tend to always see the good in people in 'normal' life and it hasn't always served me well. It's the actions not matching words that gets me. If that's not how you are, cool. No issues. Just be authentic.

You hit the nail on the head with trust though. I did open up. I don't usually. Not my style. 

I went out on a limb and now I'm hugging the ***y tree. 😂 

Thank for your reply. Definitely taking it onboard.

[Tr****]

Hang on tight to that tree and trust in yourself when to relax the grip

[GL****]

All this can be overwhelming, especially when you’re craving it . It’s easier for women to just jump to the next flashy, shiny thing because all the messages and attention you receive. Having more options is not always a good thing.

Good news is even though the first guy may or may not be a douche bag, you learned a lot about what you are looking for. Maybe if you would’ve communicated with him a little better in the beginning when you started feeling off about things, things might’ve been different. Maybe he reacted the way he did because of how you reacted. I honestly don’t have enough information to be certain. I know me personally, communication is huge!
With the other guys, I think you already know you should’ve asked more questions. That’s one thing I don’t think enough subs do, is ask questions.. if I am asking all the questions that means you’re giving me all the answers I need to say whatever I want. If you ask the questions, you get to figure out by my answers who I am. I hope that made sense. This daddy‘s up way past his bedtime lol

I say spend more time getting to know someone before doing a session with them. Build off of the hard learned lessons. I always plan fun dates and activities before doing any kind of session with anyone for a reason. I spend a lot of time getting to know everything about them. It’s all about the tiniest of details. Be patient… you seem way too cool and kinky to not find what you’re looking for. You got this!!!

[je****]

1 hour ago, MasterGreed said:

You can’t shift your mindset without facing some things you probably didn’t want to face so sorry in advance -
Kink relationships and experiences can be emotionally intense. If you are thinking getting a Dom to look after you is going to fix your insecurities/trust issues then your experiences are going to continue much as they have been so far. Any Dom you meet is going to be working out if they trust you at the same time that you are working out if you trust them. I suspect that the first guy you met decided he was getting red flags from you and decided to take a step back. The second guy unfortunately is a result of an unreasonable expectation that all Doms be experienced meeting someone who is prepared to lie to make their lives easier.
Really I think you should be working on resolving your personal issues before getting involved in kink or involving someone else but if you do want some advice on trust I can offer this: Trust is earned and it goes both ways. Don’t expect to trust someone - instead give someone the opportunity to earn your trust, and don’t expect them to trust you, you have to earn their trust as well.

Don't be sorry. I'm open to all opinions. That's exactly why I reached out. 🤗

I am very aware of my faults and trust being a big one. I also know why I don't trust so went into this knowing that if this is what I want, I have to go out of my comfort zone. My search had, and at this stage I don't believe will ever have, anything to do with 'looking after me'. Not what I'm after right now and not once was there ever a conversation eluding to that.

I'm not sure that an 'unrealistic expectation that Doms are experienced' makes it ok to lie. Not sure if that's what you meant. Apologies if not.

I'd be more than happy to play with someone inexperienced. I might choose not to play in particular ways but I wouldn't have an issue. Therefore, is that not an unrealistic expectation that Subs only want to play if you have experience?

[je****]

13 minutes ago, Trout30 said:

Hang on tight to that tree and trust in yourself when to relax the grip

Haha... that I definitely will! 😂🤗

[Tr****]

Very well said Jess

[Tr****]

Everyday is a learning experience and unfortunately they aren’t always good lessons to have learned . There’s going to be pitfalls along the way but it’s how you deal with it that matters and will truly define you. Head up eyes straight and you’ll be fine 👍

[Ma****]

11 minutes ago, jess_may said:

Don't be sorry. I'm open to all opinions. That's exactly why I reached out. 🤗

I am very aware of my faults and trust being a big one. I also know why I don't trust so went into this knowing that if this is what I want, I have to go out of my comfort zone. My search had, and at this stage I don't believe will ever have, anything to do with 'looking after me'. Not what I'm after right now and not once was there ever a conversation eluding to that.

I'm not sure that an 'unrealistic expectation that Doms are experienced' makes it ok to lie. Not sure if that's what you meant. Apologies if not.

I'd be more than happy to play with someone inexperienced. I might choose not to play in particular ways but I wouldn't have an issue. Therefore, is that not an unrealistic expectation that Subs only want to play if you have experience?

I certainly didn’t mean to imply that I thought it was ok to lie. By unreasonable expectation of a Dom to be experienced I was referring to the general trend both online and in the community. Credit to you for bucking that tend- I think it is much better to play with someone who is inexperienced and honest than someone who is deceiving you. To the extent that I think it would be better to play with a Dom claiming to be inexperienced since they have already demonstrated their honesty and understanding of their limitations.

[je****]

26 minutes ago, GLOWfiend said:

All this can be overwhelming, especially when you’re craving it . It’s easier for women to just jump to the next flashy, shiny thing because all the messages and attention you receive. Having more options is not always a good thing.

Good news is even though the first guy may or may not be a douche bag, you learned a lot about what you are looking for. Maybe if you would’ve communicated with him a little better in the beginning when you started feeling off about things, things might’ve been different. Maybe he reacted the way he did because of how you reacted. I honestly don’t have enough information to be certain. I know me personally, communication is huge!
With the other guys, I think you already know you should’ve asked more questions. That’s one thing I don’t think enough subs do, is ask questions.. if I am asking all the questions that means you’re giving me all the answers I need to say whatever I want. If you ask the questions, you get to figure out by my answers who I am. I hope that made sense. This daddy‘s up way past his bedtime lol

I say spend more time getting to know someone before doing a session with them. Build off of the hard learned lessons. I always plan fun dates and activities before doing any kind of session with anyone for a reason. I spend a lot of time getting to know everything about them. It’s all about the tiniest of details. Be patient… you seem way too cool and kinky to not find what you’re looking for. You got this!!!

Oh, no! It wasn't a run to the next flashy thing. Trust me. It wasn't an easy call to make. And, no, I truly don't believe is a douche at all. Not the point I was trying to make. Sorry if it came across that way. (Second one... well, wanker. To put it politely. 😂)

As I said, I feel as though he had stuff going on. That's it. But we all do and if my shit starts impacting others I would expect the same response right back if roles were reversed.

Questions... yes. I think this is where I went wrong and do go wrong in general. I ask a lot of questions, a LOT! Haha... But I'm not huge on getting into peoples personal business so maybe I'm not asking the right ones. Will definitely put some thought into that. Thank you so much. 🤗

[je****]

17 minutes ago, Trout30 said:

Everyday is a learning experience and unfortunately they aren’t always good lessons to have learned . There’s going to be pitfalls along the way but it’s how you deal with it that matters and will truly define you. Head up eyes straight and you’ll be fine 👍

Agreed! It's not the destination, it's the journey and that means the good and the bad.🙏

[Tr****]

Been there done that too lol 😝

[Tr****]

Other side of the world is still dealing with people just like this side

[je****]

16 minutes ago, MasterGreed said:

I certainly didn’t mean to imply that I thought it was ok to lie. By unreasonable expectation of a Dom to be experienced I was referring to the general trend both online and in the community. Credit to you for bucking that tend- I think it is much better to play with someone who is inexperienced and honest than someone who is deceiving you. To the extent that I think it would be better to play with a Dom claiming to be inexperienced since they have already demonstrated their honesty and understanding of their limitations.

I agree with that completely. 💯  Cheers for your response too. Lying is the one thing that makes me see red. You're taking away a person's ability to make an educated decision. I think that's where my mind is stuck.

[je****]

5 minutes ago, Trout30 said:

Other side of the world is still dealing with people just like this side

People! 🙄 Interesting lot, aren't we? 🤣

[Tr****]

Ducks don’t complain about the rain because the water runs off their backs so don’t sweat the things that you have no control over and you’ll be fine 🙃

[je****]

29 minutes ago, Trout30 said:

Head up eyes straight and you’ll be fine 👍

Damn right I will. 🫵 A bleep on the radar. That's all it is. 🤗