Sensitive truth

[Deleted Member]

This question is mainly for subs/littles. How would you react if you discovered your dom/daddy has issues with low self-esteem and depression?

I've recently found myself a roleplay sub. We slowly got to know each other better, outside the plays. During a very personal conversation, I confessed to her about my chronic depression and suicidal thoughts. She seemed very hurt by it. I tried to comfort her and assure her that everything's ok. Was it wrong to tell her?

[Deleted Member]

I don't believe so. You're human after all and some of us suffer from these things. The more openly we can talk about it the better support we can give one another in a time of crisis.

[PixieDust]

I don’t think it was wrong for you to tell her, as I feel it gives her an opportunity to understand you better. However is it possible she was more concerned for your well being than actually hurt?  The way she reacted may have just been her way of coping with what you had told her, whilst thinking how she can help you going forward.  I would encourage you to talk her more about it and ask her feelings on the subject, whats going through her mind etc.  I know if I was in this situation, I would want to talk more and see what I could do to help.

[Shadovvs]

Not a sub but want to express myself on this.  You did nothing wrong. The only likely reason your sub reacted that way, is she might be under the impression that you are not happy with her. This thought would bother any true sub.  The concept of your Dom being depressed is not a fun topic for a sub. Sometimes they feel as though they may be failing, which is not how depression works. But many don't understand that topic. You could ask her if she is familiar with it and offer to help her understand depression, with educating her.  Whatever you do, don't leave her in the dark. She might be, just as I mentioned and sad, because she may think you are not happy with her. Regardless, you should consider discussing it with her. It bothers you enough, you came her to get it off your chest. Thats not a good place to leave it. Its bad for both of you.

Edited November 14, 2019 by Shadovvs
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[Deleted Member]

But everything isn't ok is it?You tell her you have depression and suicidal thoughts and then is the same breath try to reassure the poor lass that everything is ok???Complete contradiction so I'm it surprised she was upset.In this world if things are done correctly it's massively about care and she obviously cares about you,is it any wonder it upset her??I hope you find the help you need to make your days brighter.

[Carnelian2]

Communication and honesty is important in all relationships and no less so in D/s, where you as a submissive give full control of yourself to someone for short or long periods. In this respect, it is also important to be open about the other things that come into our lives, mental states including. 

It does not make any of us less worth to have those thoughts and by having the courage to share it with others, it actually makes us stronger and should give greater respect. 

From the Dominant perspective, it may also be worth recognising that you still have to support the submissive as he/she gets to terms with what has been said - and to be open about whatever questions arise, however uncomfortable these may be

[ey****]

communication is key so regardless of her reaction you made the right call.

Some subs do post their Dominants on pedestals, all knowing all powerful and may see esteem/etc as a sign of weakness - but some of this is based on their interpretation and not what is fair or real.

Something you do need to figure out independently on any relationships is what you realistically need subs to do or not do.  It is a big mistake to rely on a sub for your happiness or to boost your esteem - but it is reasonable to figure things they could avoid that would negatively affect you.  A lot of which actually ends up being common courtesy anyway.

[retep47]

No I think that communication is important in any relationship with sub or dom and I lost my daughter in law 4 years ago *** isn't a answer to anything go see your doctor and tell him everything

[Mr****]

Thats one of those tough ones, she obviously is reliant on your strengths, but at the same time she should be able to support you, Whatever the outcome with your partner is i hope your health improves and i think for now that should be your main focus. Good luck, and hats off to you for facing the subject

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Don't get why shed be hurt majority of ***ps have medical stuff in life regardless of their position and mental conds can be part of that-its quite common actually) I'd be concerned what supporting you might in tail But hurt like no cause its Not your choice.....maybe you went into too much detail-too soon?!? Most Dads/Moms have stress so a gentle little could be the***utic maybe?!?

[Little_Lonewolf]

You weren't wrong to tell her. She's wrong for being hurt by it. A more appropriate reaction should be to ask how one can help. I also suffer from depression and have had suicidal thoughts. When I told my Dom about it he got me talking about what caused it.

[BigPolly]

I’m not sure it was wrong to tell her but you started by saying you’d found yourself a ‘roleplay sub’ which, if this was me I’d only want it to be about role play & not want to know my Dom(me) in a reality light. I wouldn’t want to share my outside world with them & would expect the same in return. however you also state that you are now getting to know eachother personally so therefore your play dynamic will change & you will both need to start being honest in all areas so I don’t think you were wrong to tell her. If your sub chooses not to pursue play after the information you have shared then that’s ok, you need someone who wants you for you.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Shadovvs said:

Not a sub but want to express myself on this.  You did nothing wrong. The only likely reason your sub reacted that way, is she might be under the impression that you are not happy with her. This thought would bother any true sub.  The concept of your Dom being depressed is not a fun topic for a sub. Sometimes they feel as though they may be failing, which is not how depression works. But many don't understand that topic. You could ask her if she is familiar with it and offer to help her understand depression, with educating her.  Whatever you do, don't leave her in the dark. She might be, just as I mentioned and sad, because she may think you are not happy with her. Regardless, you should consider discussing it with her. It bothers you enough, you came her to get it off your chest. Thats not a good place to leave it. Its bad for both of you.

I tried my best to assure her that it's not her fault. I'm aware that might've been the reason she was hurt.

I never forget to remind her how happy she makes me.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, Donnylad1968 said:

But everything isn't ok is it?You tell her you have depression and suicidal thoughts and then is the same breath try to reassure the poor lass that everything is ok???Complete contradiction so I'm it surprised she was upset.In this world if things are done correctly it's massively about care and she obviously cares about you,is it any wonder it upset her??I hope you find the help you need to make your days brighter.

I know what you mean. It might've been wrong to switch to 'everything is ok' so quickly. Now that I look at that, this change of approach often hints last good time before ***. I hope she didn't take it that way.

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

Communication and honesty is important in all relationships and no less so in D/s, where you as a submissive give full control of yourself to someone for short or long periods. In this respect, it is also important to be open about the other things that come into our lives, mental states including. 

It does not make any of us less worth to have those thoughts and by having the courage to share it with others, it actually makes us stronger and should give greater respect. 

From the Dominant perspective, it may also be worth recognising that you still have to support the submissive as he/she gets to terms with what has been said - and to be open about whatever questions arise, however uncomfortable these may be

I wrapped her in care, comfort, and unconditional support. I've created a perfect reality for her, that's why I feel bad for that sudden dark confession.

[Deleted Member]

I e spent a lifetime where you are and have  found it does get easier as you age to control it.It really is better out than in and I have been so fortunate to have people I'm close to whom I can talk .You can pm me anytime you like if you wanna chat and seriously I do get it and the offer us genuine.As men we are not supposed to get down,sad but we do,sadly society yet again tells us we are not supposed to feel like that,to "man up"hence the high *** rate.Talk to your submissive but choose your words wisely.

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

communication is key so regardless of her reaction you made the right call.

Some subs do post their Dominants on pedestals, all knowing all powerful and may see esteem/etc as a sign of weakness - but some of this is based on their interpretation and not what is fair or real.

Something you do need to figure out independently on any relationships is what you realistically need subs to do or not do.  It is a big mistake to rely on a sub for your happiness or to boost your esteem - but it is reasonable to figure things they could avoid that would negatively affect you.  A lot of which actually ends up being common courtesy anyway.

She didn't really put me on pedestal, I did it myself by presenting myself as a near omnipotent godlike being in our imaginary reality.

"Everything you dream off, I can make real."

Speaking about demands, I only want her to be happy and enjoy our plays. In fact, she's the one in control here, since it's mainly her desires come true.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, BigPolly said:

I’m not sure it was wrong to tell her but you started by saying you’d found yourself a ‘roleplay sub’ which, if this was me I’d only want it to be about role play & not want to know my Dom(me) in a reality light. I wouldn’t want to share my outside world with them & would expect the same in return. however you also state that you are now getting to know eachother personally so therefore your play dynamic will change & you will both need to start being honest in all areas so I don’t think you were wrong to tell her. If your sub chooses not to pursue play after the information you have shared then that’s ok, you need someone who wants you for you.

I aimed for it to be only about the roleplay, but we eventually became friends. We still have no serious relationship in real life though.

In my plays, I create a boundless reality where your every desire and fantasy comes true. I understand that after all that perfection, it kinda shocked her to learn about the dark reality.

[BigPolly]

5 hours ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

I aimed for it to be only about the roleplay, but we eventually became friends. We still have no serious relationship in real life though.

In my plays, I create a boundless reality where your every desire and fantasy comes true. I understand that after all that perfection, it kinda shocked her to learn about the dark reality.

Well even friends share things, thoughts & feelings so this is who you are, don’t change for anyone. Yes, by all means step into a role & become a different version of you for those who only want that role but when it comes to real life, then don’t ever shy away from who you are 😊

[Vandalslut]

If we are alive and breathing, we have an Ego.  Its job is to identify things without judgement 'Yeah - that's a table - that's a wall - that's a cat' etc. Unfortunately most of us have promoted the Ego way beyond its actual capabilities, so in effect, the boy from the mail room is now running the Corporation with no ***y idea of how to do it.  In other words, our egos are making value judgements.  "It's better to be tall/blonde/short/slender/whatever"  These value judgements are ridiculous and EVERY value judgement the malfunctioning Ego makes is just as ridiculous. But the part of the Ego that's really running riot in many people today  is the Re***.  Its original job was to keep us safe by activitating our instinct for  survival - as in, don't go out hunting a huge woolly mammoth on your own with just a wooden spear.  Take a mob of mates along and everyone can have a feed.  Unfortunately, in the modern day, the Re*** doesn't have anything to do, as we're aware of danger to the physical self through education and civilisation.  So the Re*** gets bored and starts looking for stuff to do.  And what it will do, is when we choose to get ourselves into new or previously unfamiliar situations and start enjoying ourselves, the Re*** gets all nervous, starts agitating that this is 'unsafe' simply because it is new and unfamiliar and will start pulling stunts like a child throwing a tantrum to get its own way.  It will actually sabotage your life - if you let it - to the point where you have no new experiences, friends, relationships, etc at all.  Sounds like your Re*** deemed your new and very satisfactory relationship to be unsafe and sabotaged it.  Your lady friend is upset because she may feel she's not been 'enough' to you or feels *** that she can't help you.  She cares. 

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, Vandalslut said:

Sounds like your Re*** deemed your new and very satisfactory relationship to be unsafe and sabotaged it.  Your lady friend is upset because she may feel she's not been 'enough' to you or feels *** that she can't help you.  She cares. 

I had these mental problems long before I met her. It has nothing to do with her. I've been hiding the reality behind an illusion. I didn't expect her to grow so close to me that she wanted to know me more. I've always aimed for a fun with no attachments, since it's dangerous to get attached to me.

[Vandalslut]

Agreed.  You, me and everyone else have had their built in Re*** since the day we were all born.  Your lady friend has nothing to do with it - your Re*** got active when she came into your life as it does when anything or anyone new comes into your life - it deems it or them a threat, solely on the basis of 'newness' because it wants you to be 'safe'. It can start making trouble for you with a new job, moving house, absolutely anything that changes in your life. Usually it settles down and stops trying to 'make' you go back to 'safe' in a week or so, accepting whatever is new as being the new 'safe' or normal.

[So****]

I think telling her was the right thing, I had similar situations before with three different ppl and they took forever to tell me about their depression, so, when they were feeling low I always thought it was because they were unhappy with me, once they talked to me it helped me understand it wasn’t anything that I did but rather it was a time for me to support and comfort them You might need to explain that you feeling depressed doesn’t mean she doesn’t make you happy, maybe that’s why you sensed she felt hurt, there’s a chance she felt she wasn’t good enough to keep you happy so she needs to know that is not the case, so just keep talking and reassuring each other, the fact you are in here asking the question means you care

[Deleted Member]

On 12/4/2019 at 7:44 AM, SoReady said:

I think telling her was the right thing, I had similar situations before with three different ppl and they took forever to tell me about their depression, so, when they were feeling low I always thought it was because they were unhappy with me, once they talked to me it helped me understand it wasn’t anything that I did but rather it was a time for me to support and comfort them You might need to explain that you feeling depressed doesn’t mean she doesn’t make you happy, maybe that’s why you sensed she felt hurt, there’s a chance she felt she wasn’t good enough to keep you happy so she needs to know that is not the case, so just keep talking and reassuring each other, the fact you are in here asking the question means you care

I've already made sure she knows it's not her fault. I always remind her of how special she is for me. But the problem is that I didn't want her to know about my problems.