Phoenyx Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 As I mentioned in another post, I am wrapping-up a battle with colon/rectal cancer. It has been a tremendous physical and emotional ordeal. Yet, I seemed to have walked through it almost unfazed. Practical experience? I have been through the initial chemo and radiation. The surgeries though, were the really rough part. Spent a month-and-a-half int eh hospital, doped-up on morphine. Never knew which way it would lead---life or dirt nap. Both the surgeon and the oncologist though, said that I beat the cancer with flying colors. Despite a Stage 3 diagnosis, all lymph nodes in the pathology report tested negative! They said that I should celebrate. I had won that battle! Still, why did I feel like the one who got his ass kicked? This last round of chemo is really just a formality---a way to catch any little bits that may have snuck past. Which, brings me to the reason why I am posting here. I have heard, many times, that a battle with cancer is a life-changing event. Going in, I never knew what that meant. I tried to envision several scenarios. But, I never pictured it reawakening the monster. After years of being exiled to this cultural desert (the Texas Panhandle)---being alone, aloof, and not giving a sh*t---something about the experience had brought back my dominant side, with a vengeance. It is what has now driven me to want to converse with like-minded folks. Was it the victory? Or, is it the fact, in a very different way, I have again been tasked with playing the professional dom? Let me elaborate: I have been asked to volunteer, to counsel a couple women, who have been diagnosed with the same cancer as mine. I must take their hands (in a metaphorical sense) and lead them through the ***ful physical and emotional ordeal that lies ahead. They are scared to death. I know, I have been down that same road myself. Yes, the road ahead is a rough and ***ful one. But, with this type of cancer, the sweet taste of victory almost assuredly lies ahead. Is it that experience, that has allowed me to establish an empathetic connection? To those experienced in "The Scene", is any of this starting to sound familiar? One lady that I am counseling, is the ex-wife of a good friend of mine. My friend was the one who asked me to talk to her, after he learned of her diagnosis. If I had to give her a scene name, it would likely be "Poker Face". She seems so totally emotionless about the whole thing. I take her hand, try to show her the door, and lead her to the next room of the maze. But, she is so resistant. She constantly changes the subject. It's a resistance that seems so familiar. And, from the way she talks about other things, she gives-off the sad vibe of not expecting to live. Honestly, in this "scene", safe words and red lights are not an option. Safe words mean letting the cancer win! After my last session with her, I broke into tears. Definitely not something normal for me. Does this mean, even after all of these years, I still haven't lost my empathetic touch? Anyway, I hope that I haven't bored everyone with this story. Around here, no one knows of my true background. This area makes even "Vanilla" look too spicy. No imagination of any kind. What the hell am I doing here?! Little do they know, why they felt me qualified, to take-on this counseling task. Still, some may suspect. Maybe, it's all of the leather that I tend wear, during the winter months. I have never gone all-out. But, it's still more than anyone else. Or, is it just me. A young neighbor friend (mid 30's) jokingly calls me, "The Alpha Male". I must be giving off some kind of vibe. Still, I have crossed paths with a couple other guys, who also have extremely long hair. Kindred spirits? I have seen a strong look of dominance in their eyes. And, they have acted aloof and standoffish, when I try to say, Hello". I *** that I give-off the same vibe. I try not to. But, it appears to be an unfortunate fact of nature. In my profile on this site, I have tried to portray my softer, submissive side. But, I *** that I am not fooling anyone. Most likely, my profile photo tells a far different story.
Vandalslut Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 3 hours ago, phoenyx said: Was it the victory? Yeah, mate. It's the victory. You beat the bastard, the Beast, the Godzilla, whatever you want to call it - and you come out the other side determined to Live Life Large, don't waste a ***y minute and do all the things you always meant to do or meant to have a go at in the dim and distant future. I was so lucky - I didn't have a mastectomy, the chemo killed the Beast off totally and the radiation just jumped up and down on it to make sure. I lost my waist length red hair, but it does grow back. At present it looks a bit Joan Jett around the 'Runaways' period. (Better than it was - a couple of months ago I looked like a tragic disco queen. Eeeeek.) Admitted twice to hospital with unidentifiable viruses during the time of zero immunity, almost died once - if I was a Christian I'd say Satan threw me back LOL. Hospital food here is ***y diabolical - stodgy and unhealthy. I would've killed for a green salad. I was given Herceptin as part of the chemo - stay tuned, this is pertinent to the lady you're helping now - apparently it's the real whizz-wonder cancer Terminator - with an unfortunate side effect that no oncologist will tell any woman, anywhere in the world - it kills your metabolism. I spent a year post chemo eating bugger-all, going to the gym five days a week for a punishing hour - and I mean punishing. All the time the oncologist told me to keep it up, the weight will come off (I gained 20 kg) and it was never going to come off. I was exhausted and in the end, I couldn't walk 100 yards and was gaining a kilo a week.I ended up literally crash-tackling him into a corner , sitting on him and demanded to know what the f*** was going on. Then he finally told me. After I'd wasted a year practically killing myself and hours researching why this was happening, and believe me, there's sod-all info about it out there. But you'll find tons of breast cancer survivor forums all full of women asking 'why am I putting on weight, my onc says, go on a diet, my onc says go to the gym, and I'm just getting bigger...' etc. So I told my GP about this, who was very grateful for the heads up, immediately put me on Duromine and in five months I've lost 10 kilos. Only disadvantage is it causes insomnia. But I can walk 5 ks in 40 minutes without a problem and split a uteload of wood like it was nothing. As for the scene name of 'Poker Face' for your friend, well - one of my old work mates went through this battle eight years before me, and both she and me were pretty much the same. We tried to carry on as usual - in her case she kept going to work, turban and all - looking on the whole business as some unpleasant but necessary item of housework. I did the wig thing - got a few fun cheapie cosplay jobs off eBay - with the result that people were coming up to me in the street and asking which salon I went to, which was a bit of a laugh. Sort of 'ignore it and maybe it'll go away' even though we know it won't. We've got to go through that dark and seemingly endless tunnel. PAss this info on to her if you reckon it'll help. Breast cancer treatments may be harsh, but the survival rate's higher now. The thing I had most to live for was my wonderful, dead-sexy Vandal Lord who was there for me every step of the way, and who said, "I fell in love with you, not your breasts." Well, I've still got 'em and he really is in love with them as well. Hope this has been helpful, if you want to ask anything else, pm us. Blessings, to you and your lady friend you're helping.
Deleted Member Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 What an inspirational story! Not boring at all. And very well written, too. Live life large my friend, there’s plenty on here a lot older than you! Just...amazing. You’re amazing.
Phoenyx Posted November 17, 2019 Author Posted November 17, 2019 Well, I wouldn't say that my journey was a dark tunnel. I may have gotten that impression at first. But, it really turned out more like 100 miles of bad road. Still on that road---on the last round of chemo. Typing is difficult, with fingertips on pins-and-needles. But, I enjoy the company here. No hair loss. Seems I'm a tough old bird. Oncologist says that I shouldn't have more than a little thinning. And, it will all grow back anyway. Did lose over 40 pounds though (20 kilos). Have gained half of it back, and I have been exercising keep it in all the right places. Not yet healthy enough to attempt a return to the gym. But, I have been trying to get my 4-mile walk every day (6.4 km). Plus, no permanent colostomy bag. That would have really put a damper on wearing my corset. Yes, I have a mans black leather corset, which I have been told is quite handsome. Or, maybe, folks have been to intimidated to say otherwise. I did have to wear a temporary ostomy bag, for a month of so. Not an experience I wish to repeat. I am all put-back-together now, and everything works. Everything. Still, there was one hiccup. For a month, I could not feel orgasms. I could still have them. I just couldn't feel them. Really took the fun out of it. Things are all working properly now. However, thanks to the sharp bend now in my rectum, my prostate is now where my g-spot nerve cluster used to be. So, any anal play is now permanently out of the picture. The one-only-cousin who remains in contact, is a 20-year breast cancer survivor. She had to go through two dozen surgeries, mostly reconstructive. Back then, the doctors had a hard time getting it right. Add in some allergic reactions. Her road was a lot different than mine. Still, we find many ways to relate.
Vandalslut Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Yes, 100 miles of dark road is also a very adequate description. I think for us girls it's a tunnel because of the prospect of losing our breasts, that which defines us as feminine, whether they're big, small, a handful or 'look out in a high wind' size. I was lucky in that Herceptin had just had the living daylights revamped out of it and it was now as good as it was ever going to be, so, instead of mastectomy first, followed by chemo, they decided in my case to do it the other way around and see what happened. I became a bit of science project. I have a dear mate going through what you've traversed - same symptoms, weight loss, a little hair thinning - but it's also migrated to his liver and whenever the oncs. stop chemo, the bastard just gets going and growing again. We're all praying that the miracle happens tomorrow. Glad everything's working properly for you now. I was trying to remember a Stephen King quote earlier, I knew it was in 'The Stand' and was on my way out so didn't get out my copy and look it up. Am now back, having had a few and a feed at our local pub and decided, sod it, just Google it. And here it is. It summed up the journey for me, better than the 'dark tunnel' metaphor. " No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't." Best and blessings to you, the friend you're helping now and esp. to the one-only cousin.
Phoenyx Posted November 17, 2019 Author Posted November 17, 2019 It has been a lot of years since I read "The Stand". Loved it---all 1000 pages! Seemed Stephen King was trying beat Ayn Rand's record for "Atlas Shrugged". From "The Stand", I am reminded of the long walks down the lonely, empty roads, in the fading light of dusk. Abandoned vehicles and the broken, discarded remnants of civilization lie everywhere. Yet, it turns out to be anything but a forlorn journey. Along the way, I meet others who have walked this same road. Together, we continue our trek. Are we headed to Boulder, or Vegas?
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