Dating and BDSM

[GoddessBell-1687]

I am currently in a relationship with a guy who is into the BDSM world, which to me is 100% new and I honestly don't know much about it before I met him.  He has been very upfront with me from the beginning, I ask a lot of questions and I want to learn more, and am totally open minded about everything.  He is 100% submissive, I am his Goddess and he is my slave.  I want to be more dominant, but not sure yet what things I need to say or what I should do at some areas of our play time.  Somethings have come natural but I feel like I need guidance or know where to turn to.  

Also, I am trying to figure out if the BDSM things were brought too fast into the relationship rather then just having a relationship first?   I feel conflicted.   Not sure if I am making sense.

I am not sure if this is the correct spot to post this or not. 

Some advice would be appreciated.   Thank you.

[ey****]

I feel it was good he brought it up early.   One thing I'd generally advise (even though it's not how it happened with me) is that if you are seeking a relationship with any form of kink elements to make your intentions known early so that 12/18/24 months down the line you're not still wishing you'd brought it up - or do so and find it's rejected.

The sad thing is there's no immediate answer.  I think one of the things I would advise is hang around forums like this one and read some of the articles just as a kind of ongoing way of supporting your growth and knowledge.

(guys who identify as) sub can vary wildly - in the case of whether it's just that he wants to make you centre of his world - or if there's certain kinks/fetishes/expectancies he has.

If you've not already, have some conversations - probe him for example fantasies, but make it clear this is just for your own understanding and you can't promise to grant them, you are his Goddess after all.

If there is certain forms of 'play' then do try to research them before starting them.  Be cautious also to avoid random guys who pop up on the internet trying to insert their fantasies.  

But, as well as finding out what makes him tick - what makes you tick?  What would you find funny, arousing or helpful?

Remember it's not just about sex and certainly not just about what he wants ;) 

[GoddessBell-1687]

Thank you very much for your advice.

[smokerjim]

Just to follow on from eyemblacksheep there is an article in the magazine section, dated October 22nd, giving advice on how to start out as a dominant, and while I haven't read it (I'm not looking to play at this time), I hope it might offer some helpful advice for you (as a lot of the magazine articles might)

[DominatrixSheba]

It’s good that he mentioned it early in the relationship. He is being honest with you and not being kinky in secret with someone else. If you want to explore your dominant role with him but also build a relationship you need to have a good chat about the boundaries of your D/s relationship with the vanilla world. I have friends who have this dynamic and they organise life so that when he has his collar on, he is her bitch but when it’s off they are equal partners in a ‘normal’ relationship. This is important for making regular life decisions - they have just bought a house together and she had to be sure he was doing so because he wanted to and not because he is her sub and she wants it. Talk to each other about how you can balance vanilla time with your D/s roles so that each has the time it needs. As for being a Domme - fuck the rules - there aren’t any - have fun and enjoy yourself. Never be afraid to say if you don’t enjoy something. You don’t need to be serious either - laugh as much as you want. Generally if a sub knows you’re having fun they will enjoy themselves more too. Read lots - and I have been known to watch Femdom porn with a note pad and pen and write down ideas or phrases that I can use later. Take it slow - have fun - communicate with your partner and see how it goes. Xx

[Phoenyx]

Looks like I'm a bit late to this conversation.  Medical issues have had me off my feet.  By now, Black Sheep and Sheba seemed have pretty-much covered everything.  As a possible further thought, try watching the D/s games played in the so-called "vanilla" world.  The best place to look is in the employment realm.  Is there a supervisor whose management style you particularly admire?  Observe the details of their technique, and use them to build your own Domme persona.

You might also want to bone-up on eye contact and body language.  Check out some of the You Tube videos by Allan Pease and Joe Navarro.  This site also has a couple great threads on these subjects.

As for things happening too fast, that is one of the realities of "The Scene".  Yes, you will feel conflicted and disoriented for a while.  That is natural.  Emotions run at a much higher energy level here, than in the "normal' world.  Thirty years ago, I joined The Scene, simply to find someone who shared my kinks.  Next thing I knew, I was at the top of the food chain, wondering how I got there.  If you're a good person with a good heart, the flow will generally take you to a good place.  Don't get scared, if you start seeing everyday life through "The Domme Filter".  This is also natural.  It is your persona forming, and you will begin to feel the energy.

[Phoenyx]

P.S.  If you ever wish to discuss this in a more private setting, don't hesitate to send any of us a personal message.  Simply click on the profile photo of the person you wish to contact.  This will take you to their profile page.  Under their profile photo, to the left, is an envelope icon.  Use this to send a personal message.