Is it really bdsm if it's not sex related?

[Deleted Member]

Everytime i come across something im into on here, it's always linked to sex. But, I abhor sex, and my kinks have a fundamental connection with myself, its not always about sex, is this reciprocated amongst others? Or just me?

[ey****]

Ultimately.  BDSM<>Sex.

BDSM can involve sex - because sex can be part of the Domination, the submission, the power or control - whatever - or just cos sex is nice especially if from a scene you're both turned on from

Buuut

there are great differences and it's probably why there's a lot of people who are asexual feel comfortable in kink (or, should be helped feel comfortable) 

I think there is a lot of confusion that people associate BDSM as some form of rough or "kinky" sex - and, yeah, that's cool - but it's totally different to BDSM.

I mean... if you think of it... denying someone sex is far more Dominant than giving it them when they want  

[Wo****]

It doesn't have to be sexual.

One of my favourite things is impact play and although there is sex involved sometimes it isn't a given. The pleasure i get from impact play is sexual i guess, especially when countdowns are included, but that's more down to how i work rather than the act.

 

[Deleted Member]

As you know Bdsm is not about sex! 
Sex might be involved but not obligatory 

[Carnelian2]

It does not have to be about sex - more about psychology. The sexual act is a climax, the end but the really exciting stuff is what leads up to it and how to get the mind to interact with what might be going around you

[Deleted Member]

Sex isn't always a given when you're playing. When I first started in kink I thought it was all about Sex, I couldn't have been more wrong 😊 A lot of the time when I'm Topping a sub it's all about her and concentrating on the impact play. Don't get me wrong, I love to have a girl bound or crying her eyes out as I face fuck her, I find it a real turn on, but kink isn't just Sex, it's so much more. That's why we all love it so much 😊😊 MERRY Christmas xxx

[LazyPirate]

20 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

It doesn't have to be sexual.

One of my favourite things is impact play and although there is sex involved sometimes it isn't a given. The pleasure i get from impact play is sexual i guess, especially when countdowns are included, but that's more down to how i work rather than the act.

 

Bounty got there ahead of me, as I was going to post similar. Inevitably there is a sexual element to some BDSM activities but it isn’t always the case, and has been pointed out previously there are asexuals (including one I know personally) who like some levels of kink play. 

[Deleted Member]

It is always about sex for me.   I don't disagree with anyone who says that for some, or maybe even most that BDSM is not sexual, although sex can be part of it.

It doesn't matter to me, if what I'm into turns out to not be real BDSM.  I have to say that I don't see the point without sex. 

I like sex to tell a story and take us to a place you cannot reach alone.  I am a submissive and when I am with a dominate male I want to serve his needs, make him understand he can let go and relax and be as free and open with me as he wants.  I want him to be uninhibited, not worry and  just use me for pleasure.

Using me can mean a lot of things.  He can *** on me, tie me, make me his mouth whore, penetrate and fuck my ass, use discipline when needed, train me, share me, dress me, cum on my face, use toys, whatever he wants.  Nipple *** is ok, some face slapping, too.  I'm NOT into feces period.  I am NOT into fisting,  I love to kiss and spend hours in bed or even a big booth at the local arcade.  Different venues add spice.

But, no matter what we do or where we do it, it has to be uninhibited and spontaneous (most of the time).  We all know about the different types of kink and BDSM, but I don't want a relationship where we do things by the book or in some predetermined way.  I want to be hungry for his sexual love and for him to know it.  I want him hungry for me.  I want to feel his lust, his love, his dominance and submit.  When I cum I want it to be for him.

I recently met someone online.  We met at a bookstore and had sex in a large booth for a long time.   He is like me in how he sees this thing we do together.  My role is sub and bottom, his role is top and dom, but we recognize each other and the roles we play.  Yes, there is expectation, but expectations within the ebb and flow of the sexual tensions, arousal, lust and BDSM desires. 

We are a match.   We exchange emails that is very explicit.  For now we will meet at the bookstore and have sex.  He tells me what he wants me to wear.  I cross dress and have a lot of sissy in me.  He likes that.  We are pretty much having an anonymous affair.  I like that.  I do hope it continues to grow, because finding a great sex partner who is into what you are into is not easy.  I haven't let him fuck me yet, but i will.  Right now I'm his mouth whore.  It is what I want for now and he is OK with it.  Believe me, it is not a blow and go situation. We spent an hour in the booth, doing things.  Taking his load is the period on the sentence.

I would not have met him if I didn't have a good handle on who I am and what I want and need.   Also, I don't stay in any relationship that I don't think will go anywhere.  If I am going to be a sub and let a guy use me, then he has to up to the task.  I don't what to teach anyone.  Technique can always be improved but passion cannot be faked.

BDSM is a big part of who I am, but like I said maybe it just looks that way to me.

[qu****]

This could be based more on a male or female perspective, dependant on whether you class cumming as sex, for example a sub may cum as a result of punishment or play, without the penetrative act occuring, whilst the giver may not, I imagine it purely as simple as to how you see sex, some will say it's sex, some will say it isn't, neither wrong or right, but equally justified

[Deleted Member]

People here mixed up being kinky and being into BDSM!! having sex in a book shop or where ever is not a bdsm act

Bondage

Discipline

Sadism

Mosochism, if sex was the main ingredient it will be  included in the title. This is why there are so many horny boys coming here and send messages to women or make inappropriate comments on profile, thinking sex is the main purpose on fetish site. 

So NO no no, bdsm is not about sex, its far more than that 

[Carnelian2]

15 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

People here mixed up being kinky and being into BDSM!! having sex in a book shop or where ever is not a bdsm act

Bondage

Discipline

Sadism

Mosochism, if sex was the main ingredient it will be  included in the title. This is why there are so many horny boys coming here and send messages to women or make inappropriate comments on profile, thinking sex is the main purpose on fetish site. 

So NO no no, bdsm is not about sex, its far more than that 

Extremely well put. We also develop as people, so what may start off as a sexual urge in times becomes something different. The psychological aspect is so important for me, these days, more so than the act.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, JohnnyJingles said:

It doesn't matter to me, if what I'm into turns out to not be real BDSM.  I have to say that I don't see the point without sex. 

if you enjoy it - that's the main thing.  I think there's a lot that's complicated and cross-wired and such like that.

Sometimes I feel because of this there's people who don't feel like they fit because they don't want/need sex as part of it and that's something I think it's important to remind people is valid. 

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

People here mixed up being kinky and being into BDSM!! having sex in a book shop or where ever is not a bdsm act

Bondage

Discipline

Sadism

, if sex was the main ingredient it will be  included in the title. This is why there are so many horny boys coming here and send messages to women or make inappropriate comments on profile, thinking sex is the main purpose on fetish site. 

So NO no no, bdsm is not about sex, its far more than that 

I don't agree with your orthodoxy.   "So NO no no, bdsm is not about sex, its far more than that", is your point of view.  

If you practice doesn't involve sex, that is your choice.  Masochism can be very much mixed with sex and so can fetishes. 

I opened my post with,

"It is always about sex for me.   I don't disagree with anyone who says that for some, or maybe even most that BDSM is not sexual, although sex can be part of it". 

I formulated that thought based on my own experience and what I read in the thread.  I have a POV too.

I followed up on my opening with this, where I acknowledged people with your point of view.

It doesn't matter to me, if what I'm into turns out to not be REAL BDSM.  I have to say that I don't see the point without sex.  Again, my point of view.

This is where you referenced my post, although unaccredited.

"People here mixed up being kinky and being into BDSM!! having sex in a book shop or where ever is not a bdsm act"

I don't think you try to understand other points of view that conflict with you orthodoxy.  You were not present, as far as I know any time I engaged in B&D, or S&M in the context of sexual relations. 

Like I said in my opening I respect your point of view, but I don't agree with it.  When I mentioned thaothers might not consider what I practice as not real BSDM  I implied that  in their view the context is not pure enough.  It is ok with me if you anyone feels that way.  Each their own I say.

It it true that I am gay and that was clear in my post that you refer to unattributed in you opening.  So I don't fall into the category of posting messages to women.  I'd be posting to men if anything and I would expect that if the man was offender, which I doubt, he would make it clear and I would back away.

 

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if you enjoy it - that's the main thing.  I think there's a lot that's complicated and cross-wired and such like that.

Sometimes I feel because of this there's people who don't feel like they fit because they don't want/need sex as part of it and that's something I think it's important to remind people is valid. 

I agree with you.  Someone's sex life or no sex life is none of my concern.  Of course, I agree it is a valid point. 

[Deleted Member]

I don’t think it’s fair to say I don’t try to understand others point of view ? If that was the case I won’t be a very good Dom! 
I am certainly not a purist or judgmental, I was just trying to dissipate the idea that bdsm is about sex. When new people come on this site, most of the time got the idea it’s an open door with the sign Rough sex galore aka BDSM! Missing all the complex concept made of communication, connection, agreement, consent, respect, care, knowledge, safety, health.

this is why I elevate bdsm above the just two holes and a stick 🤷‍♂️
now if kinksters want to say they are into bdsm I am not really bothered that much, I just wanted to give my opinion 😊🐺

[qu****]

End of the day it's all down to a personal option, one man's poison and all that

[qu****]

*opinion even*

[Deleted Member]

When I joined this site I did so with an exploratory mindset.   The topic questions, "Is it really BDSM if it's not sex related?", can be  addressed from several points of view.

Are BDSM and sex mutually exclusive?  I think you can choose one or the other or both. 

Many people believe BDSM is sexual.  I have never know any differently until I read this thread.  I noted that in my first post, that I accept that many, if not most people who practice BDSM do so in a mostly non-sexual way.  How many I don't have clue, but I have no reason to question that position.  I can say that personally I have no interest in BDSM  without it being blended with the sexual experience.

I am a newbie to this forum, but I am no newbie to sex.  In the BDSM world I am pretty much a lone wolf exploring along the way.  I engage in Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and a little Sadism & Masochism.  I am a homosexual, so my interests are male-centric.

I conclude BDSM is real disassociated from sex, as it is just as real blended with sex. 

[Deleted Member]

Bdsm is a big world with so many différents way to approach and experience it. 
Look for example at the sapio type not interested in sex dynamics 

some DdLg dynamics no sex involved 

Masochistic most aren’t into it either. 
So it’s all down to the you and your partner 

like I said it need some kind of direction for newbies coming in and barge into sub inbox asking for sex before looking into her/his eyes first 😈😂

[DanielHoup]

On 12/24/2019 at 12:09 AM, VulpesNocte said:

Everytime i come across something im into on here, it's always linked to sex. But, I abhor sex, and my kinks have a fundamental connection with myself, its not always about sex, is this reciprocated amongst others? Or just me?

I kind of feel the same, but I noticed that there is a pretty big gap between sex and BDSM.

At first, it might be hard to grasp, but when I do sex there is sex for me/partner to enjoy. When it's BDSM - the focus is on BDSM.

Yes, both cases can lead to each other, but it's more like an aftermath of the main goal. Additional flavor, but not the main dish. Not the cause to do first "this" so it leads "there".

I'm a strong believer in the focus on the goal. If you come to do BDSM - you fully commit to doing it. There is no even thought of sex or doing BDSM as a way to get sex. The same applies to another way around.

When you finish with your main goal and achieve the results - you are free to take the new tasks. What it would be - is up to you and your partner.

 

Do what you came to do and act upon results.  

If you do not enjoy sex - you do not have to do it.

Edited December 29, 2019 by DanielHoup

[qwertytothemax]

To me BDSM isn't just sex. I'm turned on by a strong woman telling me to do the dishes or clean up a room.

[Deleted Member]

As with any type of relationship BDSM included, it's not just about sex. You can get stimulated in non sexual ways as well. Even just talking to my Master about his day or what plans he has is stimulating to me. 

[Deleted Member]

On 12/28/2019 at 10:19 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

if you enjoy it - that's the main thing.  I think there's a lot that's complicated and cross-wired and such like that.

Sometimes I feel because of this there's people who don't feel like they fit because they don't want/need sex as part of it and that's something I think it's important to remind people is valid. 

Well that couldn’t be more “on the ***” could it? If you enjoy it, that’s the main thing. Of course! I had somebody tell me recently that I’m a kinkster but I’m not BDSM. Well I AM into Bondage, so tick there, but I’m not really into Discipline. But I’m into Domination and Submission, so ticks there too. I’m not a sadist or a masochist, I don’t want to be a slave or somebody’s master either.

So I guess I’m into BDS! And sex of some description, not always penetrative, is nearly always part of that. But it doesn’t have to be. Whatever floats your boat really...

[Carnelian2]

12 hours ago, Fredddy said:

Well that couldn’t be more “on the ***” could it? If you enjoy it, that’s the main thing. Of course! I had somebody tell me recently that I’m a kinkster but I’m not BDSM. Well I AM into Bondage, so tick there, but I’m not really into Discipline. But I’m into Domination and Submission, so ticks there too. I’m not a sadist or a masochist, I don’t want to be a slave or somebody’s master either.

So I guess I’m into BDS! And sex of some description, not always penetrative, is nearly always part of that. But it doesn’t have to be. Whatever floats your boat really...

Nice response, we can overanalyse this or just enjoy the moment. I tend to just so for D/s :-)

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

Nice response, we can overanalyse this or just enjoy the moment. I tend to just so for D/s :-)

I can’t help thinking that some of these threads that you see on this forum are so over analysed, so categorised, so labelled, and sometimes there are elements of severe criticism. We are all human beings and everyone of us is different. Isn’t what any of us are on here for just to make friends, play sometimes, and have fun? Some use this site for inspiration, ideas, to bounce things off each other, to engage in interesting conversations, but ultimately we don’t have to criticise others just because their interpretation of a particular category doesn’t match our own. Let’s all be a little bit more tolerant with each other. Let’s all please be a bit kinder to each other. And let’s be a little bit more forgiving. We all do and say things sometimes that we live to regret. And we are so quick to jump down the throats of other people who may have transgressed, when really we’re all guilty of it to some extent or another at some point. Nobody is perfect. Let’s all endeavour to be a little bit more harmonious with each other. Life in general, and certainly this site, will be a better place for it...

Question: Carnelian2. What happened to Carnelian1? And what is a carnelian? I’m just curious and I don’t want to google it. I probably wouldn’t get the correct meaning or explanation anyway.