Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 So I am meeting a new Dom in a few days. We have been talking on and off for a year. But stopped talking for a while and in recent weeks picked up from where we left off. Currently a NSA situation as I'm recently out of a relationship. I'm super nervous as I've not really had many experience with Doms and they ones I have had either have been a one time thing or negative experiences. The most recent negative experience was last June. I was seeing a Dom and I was ***d at a music festival. When the Dom found out he said he couldnt deal with that and ended things without checking I was okay. The first negative experience I had I don't really want to go into but it was one of the worst experiences I've been through and I was manipulated. These experiences made me really question my own judgement and that I seem to trust the wrong people. I'm just nervous. I trust this new Dom but I trusted the others.... I don't know really what I'm after by posting this, I just needed to get how I am feeling off of my chest.
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 Wow first of all I'd like to say how brave you are being so honest with your bad experiences it takes alot of courage to do that. Unfortunately I have no experience trusting a dom/domme so I can't help you there but if you have been speaking for a year it does seem they are dedicated to having you as their sub sorry can't be more helpfull
ey**** Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 I think it's really brave you're going in despite previous negative experiences. It's good to not let them hold you back and shows big strength on your part. If this prospective new Dom is trustworthy, they will appreciate if you need to take things slow or go a certain way - that you have had bad experiences you don't want to hold you back but that, exist and happened If they are understanding about this - then it's a good sign to progress this.
Carnelian2 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 The only advice I can give is on personal security; even if you have been speaking for a while, then please make sure that you have enough information on who he is. If he is serious about this, then he should also be open. Unfortunately, some people just cannot deal with other people's issues and back away at a time when they should not. But, then this shows that maybe they are not right for you. To reiterate; make sure you are safe - practical things like the above, but also what makes you safe - and communicate ...
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Mrpotter said: Wow first of all I'd like to say how brave you are being so honest with your bad experiences it takes alot of courage to do that. Unfortunately I have no experience trusting a dom/domme so I can't help you there but if you have been speaking for a year it does seem they are dedicated to having you as their sub sorry can't be more helpfull Thank you for your response Mr Potter! We have been speaking on and off for about a year or so. He seems very genuine and understanding of my needs. 1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said: I think it's really brave you're going in despite previous negative experiences. It's good to not let them hold you back and shows big strength on your part. If this prospective new Dom is trustworthy, they will appreciate if you need to take things slow or go a certain way - that you have had bad experiences you don't want to hold you back but that, exist and happened If they are understanding about this - then it's a good sign to progress this. Thank you, very kind of you say eyemblacksheep. Prospective New Dom is very understanding of what my current needs are and what I can and can't offer emotional. And is happy to take things at my speed. 1 hour ago, Carnelian2 said: The only advice I can give is on personal security; even if you have been speaking for a while, then please make sure that you have enough information on who he is. If he is serious about this, then he should also be open. Unfortunately, some people just cannot deal with other people's issues and back away at a time when they should not. But, then this shows that maybe they are not right for you. To reiterate; make sure you are safe - practical things like the above, but also what makes you safe - and communicate ... Thank you for replying Carnlian2! He is very open with me about who he is. Yeah it showed me that he weren't the right Dom for me and that he couldn't give me what I needed at a time that I needed him most. 35 minutes ago, FabSeverus said: I think you need a mentor. FabSeverus, maybe I do just for my own safety and wellbeing
Wo**** Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 @Brattyb94 I was ***d at 17, it took me decades to fully come to terms with it and accept it. I really get how you're feeling. If you ever wanna talk, about anything, my inbox is open. Your response to Lance.... ha! You'll do ok x
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 8 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said: @Brattyb94 I was ***d at 17, it took me decades to fully come to terms with it and accept it. I really get how you're feeling. If you ever wanna talk, about anything, my inbox is open. Your response to Lance.... ha! You'll do ok x Thanks for your response LazyPiratesBounty. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through that. I still find it hard at time to be touched, especially when in night clubs... If a guy looks at me a certain way or touches me, it brings it all back and I get flash backs. This doesn't happen as often anymore plus my friends are very protective of me, so save me from creepy guys. Thank you, that is so kind of you to Offer. Same goes to you! Im a great listener and I'm always up for a chat. Haha, yeah I'm learning to deal with people like that ha x
Ar**** Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 This rings many bells. A sub I have been talking with for much of the year and I stopped talking for a while and also picked things back up in recent months; she has expressed that she does want us to meet in person this year, soon, but I am also aware of how difficult she finds things and how much space she needs. Getting this off your chest is good, it will help you work things through. If he is deserving of you - and it sounds from your other replies that he probably is - then he will support you and be understanding of however you need to take things. Perhaps this will be the one who will help restore your faith and trust. Either way, your safety comes first. Trust your instincts. I wish you all the very best.
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 2 minutes ago, Aranhis said: This rings many bells. A sub I have been talking with for much of the year and I stopped talking for a while and also picked things back up in recent months; she has expressed that she does want us to meet in person this year, soon, but I am also aware of how difficult she finds things and how much space she needs. Getting this off your chest is good, it will help you work things through. If he is deserving of you - and it sounds from your other replies that he probably is - then he will support you and be understanding of however you need to take things. Perhaps this will be the one who will help restore your faith and trust. Either way, your safety comes first. Trust your instincts. I wish you all the very best. Thank you for replying Aranhis, it's nice to hear it from a Doms point of view when a Sub is struggling and how patient you are. It has helped by posting about my experiences and concerns and also the replies I've had in here and in my inbox are really helping too. He is a very supporting person and he always wants to make sure that I'm okay and if I've been upset one day, he will always ask me why and make sure that I am actually okay. He always wants to know about my day rather than just talking about our kinks. Maybe he will be the one who restores my faith and trust. I guess time will tell I am putting my safety first and people I trust will know where I am and I will keep them updated. And thank you!
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 Right here with you. Hugs. I've begun to wonder if it's possible to do D/s without being ***d or manipulated in some way. And when your trust, your boundaries, your body have been violated already it's natural and sensible to be wary. Doms talk about being safe and trustworthy but they dont understand that their words are meaningless most of the time. I have a red flag system. If a Dom raises 2 red flags while we're getting to know each other, that's it. End of. Yet they still push and push. Hassling for my WhatsApp and wanting to task me, before the basis of a connection has been established. I dont think there's any safe way to do this. You do it, always knowing about the risks you're taking. I read an account on FetLife yesterday of a girl who met with a Dom she trusted and ended up being ***d for 2 hours by up to 5 men. She was blindfolded and restrained the whole time. Afterwards, the Dom dropped her home and asked her if she'd had fun. She did not consent to that.
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 I know that's an extreme example but I've heard other stories and experienced my own ***s. Men that take pictures and share them without your knowledge etc. Men who throw in extras that you didnt agree to beforehand. Being treated like a slut during play doesnt mean you dont deserve respect in every other way.
Carnelian2 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 12 minutes ago, white_rose said: I know that's an extreme example but I've heard other stories and experienced my own ***s. Men that take pictures and share them without your knowledge etc. Men who throw in extras that you didnt agree to beforehand. Being treated like a slut during play doesnt mean you dont deserve respect in every other way. Actually, not just women - men gets subjected to it too. Maybe, I am just unlucky but just about every so-called Mistress, I come across at some point wants gifts or *** - even before meeting. Maybe these are just scammers but it really does not do much to convey the image of consenting adults when it seems that most people equate "submissive" with "easy" and someone who will agree and do anything. Thank you for wirting what you did white_rose
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 Asking for gifts and ***, Carnelian? Yeah that's the basis of how most Domme's work. It in no way equates to physical *** and ***. Yes, some men get ***d. But the incidences of *** towards submissive women are exponentially greater. Please, let's not shift the focus here.
Carnelian2 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 3 minutes ago, white_rose said: Asking for gifts and ***, Carnelian? Yeah that's the basis of how most Domme's work. It in no way equates to physical *** and ***. Yes, some men get ***d. But the incidences of *** towards submissive women are exponentially greater. Please, let's not shift the focus here. That is not the point. It is not some tit for tat where we toss up who is the most ***d or not. The point is around what constitutes acceptable behaviour in the environment were we exist. In that respect, there is no *** of trust or otherwise that can be deemed acceptable, and I certainly hope that you did not mean that. Any *** of any kind should never be tolerated nor accepted, nor is it ever the fault of the person on the receiving end. Let there be no doubt about that. I hope I have made myself clear
qu**** Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 And this isn't the place to discuss these issues, it's about the young lady wanting help and reassurance about a possible upcoming first meet
Carnelian2 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 1 minute ago, quietlysure said: And this isn't the place to discuss these issues, it's about the young lady wanting help and reassurance about a possible upcoming first meet True. Very True. Acceptance and Tolerance is always in order. Thank you for pointing it out.
Ar**** Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 1 hour ago, white_rose said: I've begun to wonder if it's possible to do D/s without being ***d or manipulated in some way. And when your trust, your boundaries, your body have been violated already it's natural and sensible to be wary. Doms talk about being safe and trustworthy but they dont understand that their words are meaningless most of the time. I have a red flag system. If a Dom raises 2 red flags while we're getting to know each other, that's it. End of. Yet they still push and push. Hassling for my WhatsApp and wanting to task me, before the basis of a connection has been established. Obviously it doesn't need saying that the other things you mention are gross ***s, but these deeply upset me too. This pushing is exactly the opposite of what I mean when I talk about support and understanding, and I'm glad you've mentioned it. It is the possible to do it without ***/manipulation; the ones who *** and manipulate I would not call true doms, and I'd be rid of anybody the moment they hassled for more personal contact information. You've given great examples here of what to watch out for.
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 1 hour ago, white_rose said: Right here with you. Hugs. I've begun to wonder if it's possible to do D/s without being ***d or manipulated in some way. And when your trust, your boundaries, your body have been violated already it's natural and sensible to be wary. Doms talk about being safe and trustworthy but they dont understand that their words are meaningless most of the time. I have a red flag system. If a Dom raises 2 red flags while we're getting to know each other, that's it. End of. Yet they still push and push. Hassling for my WhatsApp and wanting to task me, before the basis of a connection has been established. I dont think there's any safe way to do this. You do it, always knowing about the risks you're taking. I read an account on FetLife yesterday of a girl who met with a Dom she trusted and ended up being ***d for 2 hours by up to 5 men. She was blindfolded and restrained the whole time. Afterwards, the Dom dropped her home and asked her if she'd had fun. She did not consent to that. Thank you for your response white_Rose. I think it is possible. I recently met a younger Dom on a night out and he was one of the most caring people I have ever met and he knew what he was doing and his aftercare was amazing. He also kept providing me with water on the night out and making sure I was okay. Whilst he is a lovely person and we have alot in common the age difference was abit much for me and we are at very different places in our lives. That is a very good system to have, luckily we will be meeting in the city I live in and my friends will know where I am and I will keep them updated. There is always a risk when meeting somone new for the first time. The new Dom is very understanding and never pushes me, he always waits until I am ready and makes sure I am comfortable. He does try to reassure me with words but I think his also trying to do this with his action. He checks in every morning end night and will call me every couple of days. He said we don't have to rush anything and take it one step at a time. That is so awful what happened to that girl, I can not imagine what she is going through right now. Ofcourse you have got to look out for these signs but some people are very good at covering up their true intentions until its too late. 45 minutes ago, quietlysure said: And this isn't the place to discuss these issues, it's about the young lady wanting help and reassurance about a possible upcoming first meet Thank you @quietlysure 43 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said: True. Very True. Acceptance and Tolerance is always in order. Thank you for pointing it out. @Carnelian2It's okay to talk about other things on here too, forums often go off topics because people like to share experiences and that's okay
qu**** Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 My pleasure Bratty, though you do appear to be a charming young lady, despite your name 😁🤗
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 6 minutes ago, quietlysure said: My pleasure Bratty, though you do appear to be a charming young lady, despite your name 😁🤗 Oh I'm the best of both, Charming and Bratty. It's a fun mixture 😊
Carnelian2 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 I love your responses Bratty - made me smile
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 1 hour ago, quietlysure said: And this isn't the place to discuss these issues, it's about the young lady wanting help and reassurance about a possible upcoming first meet It is the place. To give reassurance would be false.
Deleted Member Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Carnelian2 said: I hope I have made myself clear Would you speak to a woman in conversation like that? You might speak to your subs like that but it's not acceptable to speak like this to anyone in conversation. This is a forum for discussion. Please leave your dominance games out of it.
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