How to contact guys

[ey****]

This was written by me, interested of course in others guys perspective if you disagree with me.

I had been going to do a little bit of a joke one - but - I thought, actually, let's be serious; because I believe there's a whole bunch of potential relationships held back by some of my points.

I'm trying to do a catch all here also.

1) It's OK to make the first move

There's been previous threads where Female Dominants have said they ***ed looking predatory if they contacted guys who interested them and Female subs who've said things like "they feel a good Dominant should pick them"

Your preferences are one thing and are valid.

But, don't be held back from contacting someone who interests you whether it's for a potential chat, play, meet or relationship because you feel you shouldn't.

2) Guys, generally, are happy to chat

Because, for the best part, we spend less time dealing with idiots, fantasists and timewasters than the ladies do.  We, we're more enthused and energised.

3) But, apologies if we're cynical

Most guys have received a bait and switch or other type of scam.
One thing to consider if we seem wary is that we half expect this to be a scam or wind-up.
Obviously, context can apply - if you're someone clearly active on the site then we might lower defences quicker than if you're a newly created random account...

4) If you want paying, be up front

Then we can avoid wasting time on a merry dance if that's what you expect.
Mind, I do think "you seem cool, pay me" isn't going to get very far.
(But, "you seem cool, even though I work professionally I'd love to meet you - here's a proposal..." could work, I have had that type of message before with people I've then played or filmed with)

5) It's ok to change your mind

I think most guys would generally be open-minded to "give it a go" which I know is a trait women do sometimes find off-putting ("Is he interested in me, or because someone actually expressed in interest in him?") so if it becomes clear it's just not going to work for you, nobody who matters is going to look bad on you if you end the convo

And... guys... if you do get contacted and it's legit, it's your time to shine - don't blow it!

[gibo94]

I agree with this, as a guy Dom it can be a challenge sometimes to stand out from the crowd but also not come across as that creep who just sends messages to every single woman on site because the serious few of us aren’t like that

[Ar****]

Thank you for this, I absolutely agree and it is no surprise to me to find you composing it. Number 1 is so important in today's society and I personally want any sub I play or am in a relationship with to choose me as much as I choose them. Partnerships, right? It doesn't matter who makes the first move, what matters is communication and the people being right for each other. In my own experience point 2 is what leads to finding out that you want more. I don't read a profile and go "yes, that's the one for me!". I see somebody I feel I could be compatible with, and reach out. If we end up chatting, that is when you find out you "click". Sometimes chat is just chat or support - at least with anybody genuine, and you should be able to get a fair feel from a profile about that. Re point 3, I am guilty of being cynical where users have messaged me saying very little, especially when they live far away. I want to know why I'm getting a message! But that doesn't mean I won't give a new user a chance if there is actual conversation. It just means I'm unlikely to respond to a "Hi" with more than a "Hello" back. 4, yes, be direct and everyone can know where they stand, happily and respectfully. It yanks our chain when we've been talking for 30 minutes and then the subject of *** comes up. And the 5th point you make is paramount; as I said to somebody earlier today - "your body, your rules", which includes giving up part of that body (including the mind) to someone if that is your choice. Anybody who does not grasp and respect that, they do not deserve you, so there is no need to ever feel pressured to following a contact through to conclusion just because you initiated it no matter the capacity in which you did so - though of course a polite message explaining would always be welcomed and understood by anybody genuine.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

This was written by me, interested of course in others guys perspective if you disagree with me.

I had been going to do a little bit of a joke one - but - I thought, actually, let's be serious; because I believe there's a whole bunch of potential relationships held back by some of my points.

I'm trying to do a catch all here also.

1) It's OK to make the first move

There's been previous threads where Female Dominants have said they ***ed looking predatory if they contacted guys who interested them and Female subs who've said things like "they feel a good Dominant should pick them"

Your preferences are one thing and are valid.

But, don't be held back from contacting someone who interests you whether it's for a potential chat, play, meet or relationship because you feel you shouldn't.

2) Guys, generally, are happy to chat

Because, for the best part, we spend less time dealing with idiots, fantasists and timewasters than the ladies do.  We, we're more enthused and energised.

3) But, apologies if we're cynical

Most guys have received a bait and switch or other type of scam.
One thing to consider if we seem wary is that we half expect this to be a scam or wind-up.
Obviously, context can apply - if you're someone clearly active on the site then we might lower defences quicker than if you're a newly created random account...

4) If you want paying, be up front

Then we can avoid wasting time on a merry dance if that's what you expect.
Mind, I do think "you seem cool, pay me" isn't going to get very far.
(But, "you seem cool, even though I work professionally I'd love to meet you - here's a proposal..." could work, I have had that type of message before with people I've then played or filmed with)

5) It's ok to change your mind

I think most guys would generally be open-minded to "give it a go" which I know is a trait women do sometimes find off-putting ("Is he interested in me, or because someone actually expressed in interest in him?") so if it becomes clear it's just not going to work for you, nobody who matters is going to look bad on you if you end the convo

And... guys... if you do get contacted and it's legit, it's your time to shine - don't blow it!

 

[Deleted Member]

And... guys... if you do get contacted and it's legit, it's your time to shine - don't blow it!

And this is something I'm guilty of.Especially at the beginning when I first really started exploring.I pushed to hard to soon a couple of times with lasses I was really starting to connect with and just spoiled it.Im fully aware now of the need for patience.Inexperience and nothing more,that's why posts like this and the threads,conversation over the last couple of days have been so helpful.This is why I'm on a site like this,of course with a view to meet others but also to understand my limitations and to learn,evolve.

[Carnelian2]

Very good post. Maybe, it is my age - but I do seem to get an endless stream of tricksters - some I have good conversation with. Others are a complete waste of (my) time. Then, I do come across some golden nuggets now and then.

It is the old saying that what you are looking for is always the last thing you find. Because you do not need to look any further

[ey****]

cheers all

I was gonna do it as a slightly tongue in cheek one : but then I thought, you know, there's been times when I've spoken to people in the past and they've said stuff like "I always hoped you'd drop a line" or "I wanted to contact you sooner" and often i was in the same boat and *neither* of us had made a move, so the process could have been sped up if either of us had done stuff... or in some cases, maybe they hadn't been someone who'd piqued my interest but then actually, I thought they seemed cool.

I kinda hate the idea especially if there's two people both interested but neither one is wanting to say anything.

But, also, there is someone I've swapped messages with on and off who I know had a big problem that she'd find a guy interesting and they'd overdo the whole "prove you're real, blah" and, I think they blew the opportunity, not her, because they could have worked out she was 'real' with very basic checking out rather than accusations or hostility towards someone who was reaching out.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, gibo94 said:

I agree with this, as a guy Dom it can be a challenge sometimes to stand out from the crowd but also not come across as that creep who just sends messages to every single woman on site because the serious few of us aren’t like that

LOLZ. How about starting with a photo? 

[Deleted Member]

I think some times there is this misconception that when a man contacts a woman, he is just looking for a quick hook up for sex. That's not always true. Some times it might be just to chat about something you find interesting written in the profile. Or even just ask a general question. Its quite hard trying to break the ice and not sound like an idiot. Men receive far less interest than women, so when men see someone visiting them they more than likely make contact. We also live in a world where men have been expected to make the first move for generations. So that causes pressure on the man before even he's said anything. Then men have to deal with rejection after rejection, this is the hardest thing to deal with, there is only so much one can take before you give up. Then as mentioned before the scammers and people looking for pay pigs, and payed services. This is all on the female side. And should be removed from this site, it does nothing but turn this place into a minefield. It does nothing but lead to confusion and resentment from the male perspective, who is genuinely looking for a real relationship...men feel *** and hurt just like women. I think everyone needs to slow down and look at things in more detail, because in today's swipe left or right culture it's too easy to miss something you might have been looking for. Just be nicer to each other!

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Chiana said:

I think some times there is this misconception that when a man contacts a woman, he is just looking for a quick hook up for sex. That's not always true. Some times it might be just to chat about something you find interesting written in the profile. Or even just ask a general question. Its quite hard trying to break the ice and not sound like an idiot. Men receive far less interest than women, so when men see someone visiting them they more than likely make contact. We also live in a world where men have been expected to make the first move for generations. So that causes pressure on the man before even he's said anything. Then men have to deal with rejection after rejection, this is the hardest thing to deal with, there is only so much one can take before you give up. Then as mentioned before the scammers and people looking for pay pigs, and payed services. This is all on the female side. And should be removed from this site, it does nothing but turn this place into a minefield. It does nothing but lead to confusion and resentment from the male perspective, who is genuinely looking for a real relationship...men feel *** and hurt just like women. I think everyone needs to slow down and look at things in more detail, because in today's swipe left or right culture it's too easy to miss something you might have been looking for. Just be nicer to each other!

 

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

 

Well said and exactly right

[Deleted Member]

I usually write first. There were very few cases when someone wrote first to me (five or six people, with just two of them being genuine). I don't really believe that someone would write me first, but I have no problem with it. I don't find it weird that women write first. I'm glad for their first step, as it shows more equality.

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, gibo94 said:

I agree with this, as a guy Dom it can be a challenge sometimes to stand out from the crowd but also not come across as that creep who just sends messages to every single woman on site because the serious few of us aren’t like that

I would be very doubtful that anyone actually does that. Also how would anyone know that they were messaging every single woman?

[ey****]

6 hours ago, Chiana said:

I would be very doubtful that anyone actually does that. Also how would anyone know that they were messaging every single woman?

there are guys who exist who send the same copy paste message to as many women as they can : I know they do this, because I've been in rooms with ladies who've all had the same message within 30 minutes of each other or talking about people who've sent the same messages

on this site - your profile displays how many messages you've sent and received so if the amont you have sent is very high compared to those received, especially in a short space of time, someone can see you're doing that.

[ey****]

11 hours ago, Chiana said:

I think some times there is this misconception that when a man contacts a woman, he is just looking for a quick hook up for sex. That's not always true. Some times it might be just to chat about something you find interesting written in the profile. Or even just ask a general question. Its quite hard trying to break the ice and not sound like an idiot. Men receive far less interest than women, so when men see someone visiting them they more than likely make contact. We also live in a world where men have been expected to make the first move for generations. So that causes pressure on the man before even he's said anything. Then men have to deal with rejection after rejection, this is the hardest thing to deal with, there is only so much one can take before you give up.

Whilst (arguably) valid - some of this detracts from the point and might be more valid on another thread.

I think it's important to not that no matter how good your profile, how good your messages, whatever - nobody owes you a conversation.

If your interest is not a quick hook up, or your fetishes dispensed, or a conversation to wank over - how clear do you make that?

Myself. I probably could/should update my profile a little better.

[Carnelian2]

Good point with the profile settings. I was surprised to see my count, actually, as I always seem to think that I send messages with no reply ... anyway, not bad actually @eyemblacksheep - thank you for that hint.

... but, yes, opening a conversation should not be dependent on gender, role or anything other than having something to say. Others can then judge if that is interesting or not. 

[Deleted Member]

Maybe women tend to wait for the first message as its always been the case, to show they are worthy. I get few saying they like my profile, fantasy etc, but most are from america, or cash princess from london. maybe It will be nice if women could do the first step sometime, with the right person I am sure it won't hurt much. I know some look at my profile then run scared, I know it because I could see how many time they look at it

maybe I should change my pic profile lol

I don't always message for the only purpose of owning a sub, if I like something about her I would say it in a pm rather than comment on her wall, just a nice little touch.

 

[Ar****]

47 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

I don't always message for the only purpose of owning a sub, if I like something about her I would say it in a pm rather than comment on her wall, just a nice little touch.

Hear hear, if I want to acknowledge something I appreciate or reach out to offer advice/support in response to a particular detail I find a message feels the most sincere method.

[Deleted Member]

I cant say I disagree with any of these points you have made! Great job amd I support you whole heatedly lol