Questions about Doms

[Deleted Member]

I am a newer sub who has had only one Dom( together for 12 yrs, Dom for 4yrs). He has recently tried to rekindle our kink after 5 months apart but I dont really want to share. Is it normal for Doms to have multiple subs?

[ey****]

it's not uncommon

but. ultimately... if you don't want just a share of time then it's not going to work.

One of the strains I had with my Mistress is she had a lot of subs (more than I thought) and I could deal with a share of time; but wasn't really get enough or "the right" time.

[MYNX]

You do what you want for you. Subs are actually the ones in control anyway. Doms are only Doms if they have subs. They may try to have multiple subs if the subs allow it. Also depends on the Doms loyalty to their sub if they want more than one.

[Stan2881]

Mynx is right the sub is the one really in control as Dom’s are only Dom if the sub allows it
You have boundaries and the Dom must stay within them
If you don’t want to share then don’t share

[Deleted Member]

Without Doms there are no subs either so stop saying that nonsense.

its true the sub give her submission after accepting the Dom but ultimately after it’s the Dom who’s in control. 
 

anyway yes it’s commun for a Dom to have more than one sub as long as he’s fair with all of them. If you really love him or care for him make sure you have a good chat and see if you could settle for a good agreement. 

[Deleted Member]

38 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Without Doms there are no subs either so stop saying that nonsense.

its true the sub give her submission after accepting the Dom but ultimately after it’s the Dom who’s in control. 
 

anyway yes it’s commun for a Dom to have more than one sub as long as he’s fair with all of them. If you really love him or care for him make sure you have a good chat and see if you could settle for a good agreement. 

All the above I hear so much.  Yeah its very common to have more than one sub after all there are way more subs than Doms . And if that's what he wants to do and you cant handle it you need to sit down and talk about it and understand and talk or move on.

 

But you have to remember it's a symbiotic relationship each enables each other with no sub there is no Dom and with no Dom there is no sub.  Neather holds all the power and to belive that just the sub hold all the power yes the sub hands over control but both have the power to stop at any time to think differently is foolish.  

Edited February 7, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Wo****]

Some do.

My Dom is poly and has a couple of other submissives and play partners.

It doesn't work for everyone and it took me a while to get used to it but i wouldn't change it now.

Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Would you have to share him? 

Like FabSeverus says, see if you can come to an agreement?

 

Good luck!

[Awolft]

Being poly and being a dom are not mutually inclusive nor are they exclusive. Ultimately tho you should feel comfortable with your dom. If you arent then you arent.

[Deleted Member]

Traditionally a Dominant would only have one sub, if you read any of the old school books about D/s relationships. a Dom would be focussed solely on his sub, after all a sub chooses her dominant and not the other way about.
The 50 shades of crap has a lot to answer for..

[qu****]

It's just as normal as a Dom only having one sub, but if you feel that you don't want to share then maybe he isn't the one for you, but yes, you must talk together about this so you are both aware of each others desires and wants

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Bullabdn15 said:

Traditionally a Dominant would only have one sub, if you read any of the old school books about D/s relationships. a Dom would be focussed solely on his sub, after all a sub chooses her dominant and not the other way about.
The 50 shades of crap has a lot to answer for..

The sub chooses her Dom ... it's a 2 way street if you believe it's one sided you very nieve.  

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Bullabdn15 said:

Traditionally a Dominant would only have one sub, if you read any of the old school books about D/s relationships. a Dom would be focussed solely on his sub, after all a sub chooses her dominant and not the other way about.
The 50 shades of crap has a lot to answer for..

there is no rules but the one we decided between sub and Dom 

a Dom chose to start the comm with the sub he likes and if he's good he will get her.....

I didnt know there was an old school book ? any reference 

[Ap****]

Lol

[Deleted Member]

Thank you so much everyone!

[ey****]

I feel there's some interesting attitudes on this thread.  I think it's important that *how you think things should be* doesn't necessarily equate to *how things actually are* and that any form of 'old school' piece of writing is just as much fiction as anything newer.

So there's a lot to be said about control and the illusion of giving it up.  I'm currently talking with a sub about some play and we have some mutually agreeable things we'd like to do.  It's a scene; and I want to include surprise but also want to make sure everything is consensual.  She has said 'no' to one of the things I brought up - that's fine, it's not a deal breaker to the play.  I have also said 'no' to something she has asked.  I don't believe this to be a deal breaker and if it was then I'm sure both of us would rather not play than do something the other is unhappy with.  And even if she plea bargains "I'll do the things I said no to if you will do the thing you said no to" my no is solid on this - so I think to say she has "all" the control isn't true.

The sub does have control; of course - but a good scene, play or relationship is mutual.

-

For who chooses who.  Consent is key, of course.  There would be something hot in a Dominant approaching a clearly available sub and asking if they'd be of service; likewise there would be great value in a submissive wishing to impress a Dominant by approaching and offering... but even both of those scenarios as well as the person being approached having a right to say "soz, not interested" they're both a little formal and idealistic - the whole world isn't a high protocol BDSM event.

People come together in which ever way they do so.

[Deleted Member]

I wrote old school because tradition and original books written on the subject very clearly suggest that it’s one Dominant to one sub.

its not a question of being good per se, it’s a question of building trust and building a relationship in order to show a lady who wishes to be submissive that you can be loyal and trustworthy.
 

I say this because when dealing with particular kinks and fetishes a woman/man needs to know that you can be trusted to respect limits, stop when asked, and respect safe words and do what is asked of you, when a woman/man has allowed/agreed to the privilege of power exchange.

its not about protocol as such it’s about the basics, it’s knowing if you are doing something potentially dangerous that your sub can be safe in the knowledge that you are focussed on them.

dont get me wrong, some want a harem of subs and if that’s your thing then fair play to you. 
 

I would just say this though, if that’s what you have then it is inevitable though that emotions will result in the dynamic changing with time, and some ladies simply don’t like the thought of sharing you with others. Just as in a vanilla relationship.

communication is key and discussing what the boundaries and limits of things right from the start to avoid any issues.

 

[BigPolly]

You are the one who is important here whether you are a sub or a Dom, you have to do what feels right by you & what will bring you enjoyment NOT what is right for someone else.
Communication is key & if you are not comfortable with a situation, with any kind of play etc then this becomes one of your limits & must be stated.
Don’t try & please someone else to make them happy knowing that it will make you unhappy because that will give you a clouded judgement of play.
Is your Dom looking to have multiple subs at separate times or at the same time?
There is the flip side that sharing playtime with another sub might actually be more enjoyable for you than it is for him. You could look at bringing another sub in but only you are the one allowed to touch them until you feel comfortable for 3way play. However these things are personal to you. We are all different & all need to respect each others differences. If your Dom isn’t accepting of this then trying to convince you otherwise is wrong. Limits are limits no matter what they are.

[Za****]

On 2/7/2020 at 9:15 AM, FabSeverus said:

Without Doms there are no subs either so stop saying that nonsense.

its true the sub give her submission after accepting the Dom but ultimately after it’s the Dom who’s in control. 
 

anyway yes it’s commun for a Dom to have more than one sub as long as he’s fair with all of them. If you really love him or care for him make sure you have a good chat and see if you could settle for a good agreement. 

I thought that the Sub has the control as she has the safe word ? Even the Dom would be in Control after the submission, the control could be easily taken back with the use of the Safe word ? Is this correct ?

 

z

[Wo****]

2 hours ago, Zash said:

I thought that the Sub has the control as she has the safe word ? Even the Dom would be in Control after the submission, the control could be easily taken back with the use of the Safe word ? Is this correct ?

 

z

Yes.

Submissives allow Dominants to control them. 

Safe words, i guess, could be seen as more of a "stop, i've reached my limit" or as a warning. 

Control, the Dominant generally controls things but it's after limits are agreed, or until a safe word is used.

If control isn't given to a Dominant then it would be *** not control. I think, anyway.

[Vandalslut]

46 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Yes.

Submissives allow Dominants to control them. 

Safe words, i guess, could be seen as more of a "stop, i've reached my limit" or as a warning. 

Control, the Dominant generally controls things but it's after limits are agreed, or until a safe word is used.

If control isn't given to a Dominant then it would be *** not control. I think, anyway.

Right on, Bounty.  Submission is a GIFT, not a free-for-all or snatch and grab.

[ey****]

I feel the 'who is in control' subject comes up a lot - and yes, the sub can stop a scene using a safeword.  But so can the Dominant.

I think it's important to not worry too much about control (and the illusion of giving it up) but about respecting the person you're with.  

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, Zash said:

I thought that the Sub has the control as she has the safe word ? Even the Dom would be in Control after the submission, the control could be easily taken back with the use of the Safe word ? Is this correct ?

 

z

Sorry Z

I only respond to relevant OP not diverging from the subject. Maybe you should start a new old thread 😈😂

[Wo****]

4 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Sorry Z

I only respond to relevant OP not diverging from the subject. Maybe you should start a new old thread 😈😂

Threads meander off topic, in varying degrees. If a new thread gets started every time it would be chaos.

Zash is, also, new.

I've chatted to her in PM, encouraged her to ask questions. Does it really matter where she asks? It's not like her question was totally irrelevant to the thread either.

 

[Phoenyx]

8 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I feel the 'who is in control' subject comes up a lot - and yes, the sub can stop a scene using a safeword.  But so can the Dominant.

You know, there was an old BDSM term that I don't seem to hear anymore:  "Power Exchange".  Power and energy flow in a continuous loop.  Each party is taking energy from the other, while also supplying energy to the other.  The exchange is mutual.  Either party can halt the flow at any time.

Of course, this may be one of those concepts that is difficult to understand, until you have actually experienced it.

[Deleted Member]

Power exchange is the correct way of looking at it.  Relationships within Ds and Ms were regularly and truly referred to at PE and TPE.  Power exchange and total power exchange.