Katenka Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 So, my dom is my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for about 3 months, it’s going great. We’re also bdsm-beginners. Always been interested, but first time we’ve had someone willing to try. We just kinda found each other by accident, had no idea that the other was ALSO into BDSM. Here’s my question: what’s a healthy dom/sub relationship look like? Especially one where they are romantically involved and there are strong feelings? We are planning/working up to this home intruder scenario, & he has a key to my place. But, when he left from date night tonight, I noticed he had turned location-sharing services on my iPhone, without asking me. He did it for the purposes of the scenario so he’ll know when I’m home. It’s logical. But still, it KINDA bothers me? Is this a red flag? I already texted him about it within the hour, he apologized, admitted he should have asked first, yadda yadda yadda. I said I would leave the setting on while I decided. Was this a red flag?? The logical half of me says that it feels unequal, and either we should both have these location-share settings on or neither of us. This behavior is not conducive to a healthy long-term relationship. The submissive part of me is excited/gratified that he’s gotten this controlling about it & that I have his attention to this degree; the submissive part of me whispers that he is behaving as a proper dom might. Like I said, we’re a young couple, we are both relatively new initiates to the BDSM community. Any advice?
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 This is a very well said I hope you find the best answer x
Dreamaway Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Not difficult, your relationship is in its infancy in many ways and it's merely communication. Just as in a vanilla partnership both partners let the other know their likes, needs, wants in a D/s relationship there is even more need to do so especially regarding setting of limits and safe words. This doesn't mean you don't trust each other in fact it's quite the reverse, it demonstrates you are prepared to put your complete trust in one another.
Ky**** Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 as you say you are both new so hopefully its just a case of overenthusiasm. In his case I'd probably have done something similar, after all there's no point invading your home if you're not there. However, it does indicate that you really need to discuss the boundaries. They don't have to be permanent ones, as you develop they may be relaxed later but for now they are important. In order for a full pleasurable experience as a sub you need to fully trust your D- after all at some point you may be putting yourself in a position over which you have no control in terms of bondage. So discussing boundaries at this stage is vital to establishing that trust and here's hoping you can do this and enjoy many happy years as a submissive.
ey**** Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 healthy can really vary between people - but, ultimately, are you both happy with the direction? Do you feel either of you can speak up if you're not happy with the direction of the relationship? Do you feel you can raise suggestions? Would you be happy if your suggestion was met with a 'no' ? If all these are yeses, it's a good sign things are healthy. I guess also, do either of you feel pressured by the other? That needs a 'no' to be healthy
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 you have been dating 3 months so its all new. But that incident its something you need to monitor closely. Looks like he's not self confident, trusting you or he's a control freak on the making. You need to test this before its too late and you get involved in an *** relationship. What was his motivation behind that action?
Ky**** Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 (edited) @FabSeverus yes establishing motivation is the key, hopefully it was specific to this house invasion scenario-for which it does seem appropriate, if its more general then ut-oh, I've just broken off with someone who wanted this level of monitoring- fine for CNC scenarios, indeed its probably necessary for some to avoid police involvement but not, at least for me, otherwise Edited April 30, 2020 by Kymi hit send by mistake
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 17 minutes ago, Kymi said: @FabSeverus yes establishing motivation is the key, hopefully it was specific to this house invasion scenario-for which it does seem appropriate I done this before, if you want to know if the person at home just ring or text and ask cleverly what she's up to....no sneakily check/invade her phone. for me its a red flag.
Mo**** Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Katenka, I must say I am a bit worried about this situation. You have been together for 3 months and you live apart. How long after meeting this guy before you found that you and he both had an interest in BDSM, and who spilled the beans first? You say you are both beginners in this lifestyle, so I would have thought, that there would have been much more of an initiation process, far more of an experimentation process, before jumping into a 'home invasion' scene. I know that if I were taking someone into that sort of a role play, and even with my experience, that would have been a more than a 3 month process, especially if they were new. So who's idea was it for this to take place? Was it yours or were you guided into it by the bf? Further to this, I agree that the installation of the monitoring app is highly suspicious. Something that you have to learn girl is that this lifestyle revolves around trust, respect and honest open communication, and that each of these is paramount to making a relationship work. SAFETY is also paramount, and given that you two really haven't shown an acknowledgement of boundaries and limits then my concerns grow deeper. In this situation I am like Fab, it definitely raises a red flag for me as well. Only a week ago we were reading about other subs trusting far too quickly, and they then finding themselves in way over their heads. Even Kymi, made some comments regarding bondage and gags being used and having adverse effects, so I urge you to go back and read those posts in order for you to see what could happen if you rush in. Take care and be safe!
Wo**** Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 He should have asked first and I'm not sure he'd need it anyway, as others have said there are other ways of finding out when you're home. It demonstrates concerns, only you know if they're genuine. 3 months is a pretty new relationship, just please be sure you're safe. Discuss limits and safe words, listen to any niggling concerns and keep communicating with him.
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Personally, if he picked up and used your phone without you knowing for any purpose its a red flag for me. The fact it was to turn location service on borders on the actually scary and is borderline narcissistic behaviour, him saying it's for the home intruder a scenario doesn't cut it for me, there are so many ways to see if you're home, an easy way to see if you're home would be to say "I wanted to order you some food, what time will I get it delivered at?" Also, turn the setting off while you decide, why leave it on if the logical half of you knows its unequal? Hopefully it's just a 'miscommunication' of sorts between two people starting a journey to something pretty amazing, but for your own safety keep your guard up for a while and maybe leave the home intruder scenario until a later date because tbh 3 months seems kind of early to be indulging in that kind of role play anyway.
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Regardless of whether this is a BDSM relationship or not, normal relationship rules should apply to personal privacy and boundaries. Your boyfriend doing anything on your phone without your knowledge and permission is never ok, whatever the motivation behind it. There are many ways he could have found out if you are at home, and in all cases should have discussed it with you. The last thing you want is, at a random time when you may not be feeling up to it, for him to turn up and go through with the scenario. These kind of things should never be a surprise, in my opinion. You should discuss and agree on absolutely everything in detail in advance. Please do not think that a controlling personality is synonymous with what a ‘proper Dom’ is like, especially outside a scene. I would sit down, have a good chat, and listen to your instincts. You’ve said it yourself- this behaviour is not conducive to a healthy long-term relationship. So set the right tone from the start!
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 There's already some really good advice given here. I think you need to have a proper conversation about it. Some submissives enjoy being controlled to this degree, but it should have been agreed first. If your gut feeling is that you're uneasy with it, listen to that. It's not yet the time to give up all control. Maybe later, but he has to prove his worthiness to you first. And change your passcode on your phone.
Katenka Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 I stopped “sharing location.”All of this shows on our chat history, on my end, anyway. Our next face-to-face date night is Friday. I don’t want to talk about it until it’s in person. It’s a sensitive issue & body language is key. To answer a few questions. We’ve been dating about a month and change before we even had sex, of any kind. We had known each other and been friends for a couple months before we started dating. He’s younger than me by 3 years, & I THINK even newer to the idea of BDSM than I had been. (Im 24F, he’s 21M) I honestly think this was a case of overeager-ness and lack of thinking. He’s not an intentionally malicious person. Just sometimes dense/oblivious. BUT I think some of you are quite right. He should have asked me. I should also make him understand the sheer amount of trust that I am putting into him, when I let him know my phone passcode or when we do a scene. He should respect that amount of trust. I’m currently debating on changing my passcode, too, like MsWhiteRose said. Atm, I call it a case of inexperienced dom/sub. I need to go for a run, while I still process everything, this only happened about 8 hours ago. Thank you for your responses!! Keep ‘em coming, for anything that you think I should know, or any new d/s.
Vandalslut Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 You are wise to want to talk this over face to face. As you say, you're embarking on this new journey; and the setting of limits really has to be the next thing you talk about, before a home invasion scenario or any sort of scenario - hard limits and soft limits. Otherwise your first 'play' may well be your last if it goes badly. The BDSM level of the relationship needs to be established - Bedroom only? 24/7? Master/slave or Dominant/submissive? If he has been doing some solo research, ask him to share it with you and compare notes, not just decide that his first act as a Dominant is to take control of your phone. It's not on. 2 hours ago, SwanNoir said: Regardless of whether this is a BDSM relationship or not, normal relationship rules should apply to personal privacy and boundaries. Your boyfriend doing anything on your phone without your knowledge and permission is never ok, whatever the motivation behind it. I agree with Swan Noir - invading your phone is invading your privacy, and both of you need to do some more reading, asking and research. He is three years younger than you and at that age, it can be as much as 6 or 7 years younger emotionally and responsibility-wise. The magazine in here has many excellent articles, browse the different forums and you have the wide wide world of the web. There's plenty of very good people who'll be happy to answer questions. Your gut instincts seem to be functioning very well; trust them. You'll know what's good or bad, and what's healthy and unhealthy - and what's right for you both. Good luck.
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Not trying to be condescending or patronising you but do you know the consequences of the intrusion play in your home Emotionally ?
Katenka Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 2 hours ago, FabSeverus said: Not trying to be condescending or patronising you but do you know the consequences of the intrusion play in your home Emotionally ? No, but I’m certainly thinking about it now. For our first time doing the scenario, we agreed that it would be more playful, rather than serious. He’s also given me the green light recently to pop up at his place. Either way, I’m putting it on pause. UPDATE: he texted me today to set up a meet to clear the air. So, we’ll discuss boundaries etc. A question that I want to ask him and myself is, are we bf&gf first or d/s? That kind of thing.
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 5 minutes ago, Katenka said: No, but I’m certainly thinking about it now. For our first time doing the scenario, we agreed that it would be more playful, rather than serious. I am glad I made you think about it. I am experienced in that type of game and also *** scenario, so I know subs love to think it’s a nice fantasy but the reality is different. i would suggest you try to know each other first, learning about your body and mind reaction with some soft kinky play and when it’s the right time you can decide together it’s time to step up. You are both young so no need to rush it
Deleted Member Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 He’s an asshole! Where does the next level of control go with him without Your consent? You can be a sub but the most important part of that is trust! I would not trust this guy as far as I can throw him. BTW they always say sorry, you forgive, the repeat the behavior and you forgive them again. Do you see the pattern? You go from sub to doormat to psychological or physical ***. Send him packing! Today! Do not second guess it! You are worth so much more than that!
cautiousswitch Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Question from the technologically challenged - Does he need a password to activate location sharing or just access to the phone? If you had trusted him enough to let him know your password then it is reasonable to believe there was some innocence in his activating it. If he waited until he could get your phone separated from you to activate it then it looks a lot more sketchy. Only dating for three months and your collective BDSM experience is mutual interest. You should probably plan out your first time better. It sounds as if he was planning on initiating the scenario at a time when you weren't expecting it; something like that should wait until you two know each other better and have had more experience. As for your question on what a D/s relationship is like, there is no "typical" D/s relationship. Some people are mostly vanilla with one or two kink sessions a week. Some people are mostly vanilla with subtle undertones of D/s (one of them makes most of the plans and decisions) that only people who know them well might notice. Some people are a little less subtle (one person gives orders to the other in public) such that people may suspect there's something going on in the relationship.
Th**** Posted May 1, 2020 Posted May 1, 2020 @Katenka I will try to give as full an answer as possible to this, in my humble opinion anyway. 19 hours ago, Katenka said: So, my dom is my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for about 3 months, it’s going great. We’re also bdsm-beginners. Always been interested, but first time we’ve had someone willing to try. We just kinda found each other by accident, had no idea that the other was ALSO into BDSM. Here’s my question: what’s a healthy dom/sub relationship look like? Especially one where they are romantically involved and there are strong feelings? To me this indicates that the two of you were first boyfriend and girlfriend and moved on to a new BDSM relationship. When you are romantically involved with another person a BDSM relationship is actually not that different fundamentally. Our community likes to think we are special, don't we all. Really we are two people who love each other who are trying to find different ways to safely give one another more pleasure and satisfaction where we can. The fundamentals of this are through open communication, (it sounds like you have that), love (in your situation), Humility (from both parties, to communicate successfully ego will be an obstacle), Authenticity, ( be yourself), and Trust. 19 hours ago, Katenka said: But, when he left from date night tonight, I noticed he had turned location-sharing services on my iPhone, without asking me. He did it for the purposes of the scenario so he’ll know when I’m home. It’s logical. But still, it KINDA bothers me? Is this a red flag? I already texted him about it within the hour, he apologized, admitted he should have asked first, yadda yadda yadda. Despite your later excuses you do know in your heart that in some way this was a breach of Trust. If your partner was going to activate location sharing he should have had your CONSENT. Now you are both new and us Dominants make mistakes as well, we are human after all. It may have been so he knew you were home, it may have been so he knew where you were all of the time, or he may not have even considered it something that needed your consent. Only the first option is not a red flag I am afraid that the others are. So just keep it in mind. 12 hours ago, Katenka said: I honestly think this was a case of overeager-ness and lack of thinking. He’s not an intentionally malicious person. Just sometimes dense/oblivious. BUT I think some of you are quite right. He should have asked me. I should also make him understand the sheer amount of trust that I am putting into him, when I let him know my phone passcode or when we do a scene. He should respect that amount of trust. I’m currently debating on changing my passcode, too, like MsWhiteRose said. I think that is a sensible call at present, though as an old cynic I would say definitely change that pass code and check your phone for any unidentifiable apps just in case. Tracking apps are easy to install. Then you need to have that conversation about limits and Trust and the importance of trusting both of these. Most of all make sure you are safe it is your number 1 priority to ensure that. It takes a while to all run like clockwork Thebian
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