Advice needed about getting into the BDSM world

[Deleted Member]

I am not sure if this is exactly the forum to post this but I have seen other advice posts here, so here it goes... 

I've been trying to get into the BDSM world for about a year now. I've had no luck whatsoever. However before explaining further I would like to say this is not a post complaining about being unable to attract women. I have no problem with that. The problem is that I attract non-kinky, or submissive, women. 

I'm really not sure why women who are subs themselves see me as a dominant figure. I guess, personality wise,  I would describe myself as pretty introverted. My sense of humor is rather dry, but some people might say I am funny. I can be somewhat argumentative as well, though mostly in a calm way. But I don't quite understand what vibe those aspects of my personality might give off that make me seem like a dom. 

The thing is, is that my next relationship, I want to be a sub both in the bedroom and outside. It's what I have always wanted. My first feelings about women when I hit puberty were like this. My first fantasy involved being tied up -- and I'd not even seen porn at that age to learn of bondage (dial up internet, no porn mags in house, didnt have many friends, it was just naturally what I desired funny enough!!). I've always been submissive in nature in regards to my sexuality, in the same way that some people have always been attracted to the same gender. That's the best way I can put it. 

Perhaps my situation is just a coincidence. Or perhaps I should try to adjust which aspects of my personality are dominant (no pun intended) in socializing. Needless to say, on fetlife , here, and other sites,  I just don't seem to be able to connect with dommes. 

Would anyone care to speculate why, and how I might be able to change this?  Advice would be very much appreciated and I thank you in advance!

 

 

 

[SissyRIanne]

Just some food for thought: people can easily be dominant in one area of their life and submissive in another, for me personally: I'm the guy who'll take charge and make sure things get done irl, but in a relationship I'd prefer to be the submissive and be told what to do. Funny thing even is that I feel like these different "stances" are heavily influenced by each other, as it is because I normally take innitiative and make the choices, that I find it hot when a woman makes me wait to do things until she tells me I can do something, and is confident enough to make choices impacting me, of course these choices should be made with our set of limits in mind.

The opposite could of course also be true, someone who is normally quite introverted and/or quiet, could like to take a dominant and controlling role in the bedroom and/or relationship. On top of that I don't have actual statistics to back this up but I'm pretty sure there's way more submissive women then there are dominant women, although I'm not completely sure this is correct, it feels like there's more then 1 submissive male for every dominant woman. Although that last statement could be false, that's how it feels, maybe the reason it feels like that because dominant women don't search for submissive men as actively as submissive men search for dominant women, or that they take longer to find out that they're actually dominant, this is all hearsay and low samplesize but whenever the porn subject comes up men tend to watch way more porn then women, and therefore would learn about dominant/submissive scenario's a lot quicker then females might, so maybe because of that a lot of dominant women have no clue that they're actually dominant and therefor don't look for submissives

Your best shot is probably fetish-dating-sites such as this one, but also fetlife or femdompersonals subreddits, and then get lucky that there's someone with the same interests nearby that's not yet taken.
I've not been lucky in my own search yet either and it can sometimes be very frustrating but I also know that the best way to find someone is to keep on looking and putting yourself out there.

I wish you the best of luck on your search, and hope this was insightfull.

[SissyRIanne]

Oh and I forgot something important: Munches, while scary as hell to go to, it's a lot easier to actually connect with people there as they're so much less likely to ignore you compared to ignoring an online message from someone who they've never even seen in real life.

[ey****]

So. There's two lines of thought here.

Firstly. Aside from online, have you tried getting involved in local munches or events?  I know the UK is pretty much on hold; I don't know what things are like where you are - but making steps to get involved can help you meet people, enrich your knowledge and generally improve your prospects.

The second. Women online, particularly Dominant women - get a lot of contact and messages *most of which isn't very good* - I've not looked you up on FL - but you've been on here 2 days and connection takes time.  I know some folk who have gone on to meet people are often active in the chat or on the forum and I think there's a lot of value in building connection and rapport passively rather than a crowbar in the inbox.   

That as you become active and contribute you'll find those you often agree with and vice versa.  It also means should you end up messaging someone you've interacted with then you're *known* and not just another stranger.  

[Deleted Member]

Patience is key, comment on forums. Get noticed, that's how I integrated myself, no one had a choice. I made it obvious I was here and going nowhere 😂. Over time (patience) ***ps will work out whether your sane or not and then the friendships will come and from that maybe other things. Be normal, talk normally, show respect and be polite. Doors will open in time 😊

[Deleted Member]

Right, haha, patience is definitely a virtue. There actually are only like two women who have been online in the last year in my area, one of which mentions she's dominant. I'll have to be patient and hope some more join here, lol. 

I've been wanting to go to a munch, but there haven't been any hosted  in the area lately due to the pandemic, and probably won't be for a while. In the meantime I've been trying to make some connections. Thanks for all your responses. I guess I was feeling kind of down, thinking about how my past relationships never really fulfilled me. I guess it was a mini-mid life crisis since I'll be 30 in a few months, and it's been lonely cooped up in quarantine even for an introvert. I suppose, I should be grateful women like me at all, could be a hell of a lot worse, eh?  I'll check out the femdom personals on reddit too, thanks for the tip! 

Of course if any other readers care to chime in, please feel free.

[ey****]

It is worth looking out for some of the online munches - obviously there is one on this very website buuut - it's very much a "all users anywhere" - but, there's a lot of regional munches have set up online.

Some can be a bit daunting for newbies - but what we've had is someone who has been joining the one I co-host just to observe.  Which is fair.  

[cautiousswitch]

7 hours ago, untamedServant said:

I would describe myself as pretty introverted. My sense of humor is rather dry, but some people might say I am funny. I can be somewhat argumentative as well, though mostly in a calm way. But I don't quite understand what vibe those aspects of my personality might give off that make me seem like a dom. 

 

In the vanilla world most of those traits would be seen as dominant.  It is assumed that a lot of self control means that you like to be in control of every situation.  If dating profiles on vanilla sites reflect these traits then they are more likely to attract either women not into kink or submissive women than they are dominant women.

You still want to be honest in any profiles you put out there, but you have to do it in such a way that you reflect some of your submissive desires.

Or, as has been suggested by others, take your searches to munches and sites that are more kink specific where you can be yourself and openly talk about wanting to take the sub role in a relationship.