Just in the bedroom

[Deleted Member]

There has loads of discussion recently around BDSM and d/s and m/s relationships. Talk about the value of submission and the nature of domination. But for how many people on Fetish is kink just for the bedroom? You might enjoy being controlling or controlled, or both. You might play with spanking and handcuffs. Perhaps more. Everyone doesn’t want to go further into “the lifestyle”. Some people have no interest in Total Power Exchange (TPE).

If being kinky is a spectrum (is it? Or a checklist as sometimes it seems) then surely there is a wide range of people from 24/7 collared slaves to full-time dommes to a couple that wants to spice it up. And I hope there’s no judgment wherever you might be on that spectrum.

I’m seeing a lot of one end of the spectrum and not much of the other lately. Would love to hear what others think.

[Cade]

If you spend a good length of time in the public scene, you see that the community tends to ebb and flow with social trends. Sometimes, the collective is small, which tends to mostly reflect those that regard it as a lifestyle and won't ever feel comfortable in any other community; other times, the community swells (as it is currently), and may contain any participation level - casual and serious. Of course, this community is for everyone with kinky interests! Through diversity we find unity, and should foster acceptance of any consensual alternative dynamic that doesn't quite fit social norms.
Of course, diversity does create unity, but difference still has importance. Someone that only plays in the bedroom will not have the same experiences (and hardships) as someone that lives it as a lifestyle. This is significant as there tends to be a great deal of miscommunication between the different unique dynamics and participation levels. Not that one is more or less potent, but just different outlooks. Unfortunately, it seems like there are a lot of people that feel their role and station is challenged when trying to compare to others (an entirely fruitless act), and of course, there are those that think their way is the only true way.
In fact, what works for you and your dynamic is what is right for you, and if you're happy and confident in that, no one should be able to challenge it.

[runkelley]

Ours started just in bedroom handcuffs spanking some denial etc but has grown to much more not totally though but as much as we can and we love it

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, Cade said:

If you spend a good length of time in the public scene, you see that the community tends to ebb and flow with social trends. Sometimes, the collective is small, which tends to mostly reflect those that regard it as a lifestyle and won't ever feel comfortable in any other community; other times, the community swells (as it is currently), and may contain any participation level - casual and serious. Of course, this community is for everyone with kinky interests! Through diversity we find unity, and should foster acceptance of any consensual alternative dynamic that doesn't quite fit social norms.
Of course, diversity does create unity, but difference still has importance. Someone that only plays in the bedroom will not have the same experiences (and hardships) as someone that lives it as a lifestyle. This is significant as there tends to be a great deal of miscommunication between the different unique dynamics and participation levels. Not that one is more or less potent, but just different outlooks. Unfortunately, it seems like there are a lot of people that feel their role and station is challenged when trying to compare to others (an entirely fruitless act), and of course, there are those that think their way is the only true way.
In fact, what works for you and your dynamic is what is right for you, and if you're happy and confident in that, no one should be able to challenge it.

Thanks Cade. I have only been on here for about five months, so I guess I was commenting on that timeline. I have found discussion to be quite focussed around and on “lifestyle” kinksters in that time. Sorry, horrible phrase I know!


Perhaps I’m just not present enough in the chat, although I do try to follow and participate elsewhere. I wondered how those who only play in the bedroom were finding it. I’m not sure where I sit on the spectrum to be honest. Which is why I asked. Trying to find my own happy dynamic.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, runkelley said:

Ours started just in bedroom handcuffs spanking some denial etc but has grown to much more not totally though but as much as we can and we love it

I think it must be nice to make the journey as a couple. Have you found Fetish helpful in figuring out stuff?

[Cade]

13 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

Thanks Cade. I have only been on here for about five months, so I guess I was commenting on that timeline. I have found discussion to be quite focussed around and on “lifestyle” kinksters in that time. Sorry, horrible phrase I know!


Perhaps I’m just not present enough in the chat, although I do try to follow and participate elsewhere. I wondered how those who only play in the bedroom were finding it. I’m not sure where I sit on the spectrum to be honest. Which is why I asked. Trying to find my own happy dynamic.

I can't speak for the site, specifically, but it does seem like the public scene growth has peaked, and numbers are starting to deflate as more causal players find their next interest. The 50 Shades crowd are starting to filter out - with no disrespect to them - and yes, "lifestyle" chatter seems on the upswing as @runkelley mentioned, bedroom players decide there is more to it for them, but wonder what the next step might be. Ultimately, you'll almost always find some lifestyle discussion on these types of site because a sad reality for many of us is that this is the only appropriate forum for us to discuss our lifestyle, hopefully free of judgement and reprimand. Meanwhile, when I left FB, I couldn't count the number of kinky play groups highly focused on casual; for them, lifestyle rhetoric was often seen as being "too serious", insane, and even down right abusive.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the phrase; lifestyle definitely denotes individuals with a particular style of living - in this case, celebrating and honoring our fetishes.

[Deleted Member]

I see to be very much like that, when I first arrived I wasn't even sure it was the place for me,. I had to go seek advice, reassurance if you like that there was a place for men like me. However as I've mixed and learned, involved myself the kink side is getting stronger, more urgent. Hard to explain but it's making my vanilla life all the better too,the change within, what I feel it's now transferable if you like where as before it was more like 2 separate blokes.

[Deleted Member]

I used to be (even)

[Drewxs]

there are some very good fb groups that nurture newcomers to the lifestyle but quite hard to find, I can happily recommend one if anyone is interested. and of course there is always fetlife to learn terminology and the myriad of kinks available!
for me i have been lucky enough to have lived with 3 subs long term but not 247 lifestyle

[Jinxy]

I’m more on the “bedroom only” side of the spectrum. But I also think that people’s “kink personality” can bleed into other aspects of life. So even if it’s not 24/7 with rules and guidelines in place, it might be present informally in how you react to each other outside the bedroom. And too, I think the challenge comes in for “bedroom only” side, where does the line get drawn of where kink stops? There are certain kinks, such as chastity, that might involve wearing throughout the day. Then is it still considered to be kink for just the bedroom? 
 

Also, it might be different depending on how a person identifies. As a switch, I couldn’t do 24/7 in either role for long because I’d need the time to “recharge” that headspace, if that makes sense. But, I’m sure there are plenty of switches who are able to make it work, and I’d love to hear their experience and how they manage things. It, again, really comes down to, make it right for you. 
 

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, Jinxy said:

I’m more on the “bedroom only” side of the spectrum. But I also think that people’s “kink personality” can bleed into other aspects of life. So even if it’s not 24/7 with rules and guidelines in place, it might be present informally in how you react to each other outside the bedroom. 

 

Yep, totally agree, even when angle it becomes more of what you are 😊

[Deleted Member]

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

I see to be very much like that, when I first arrived I wasn't even sure it was the place for me,. I had to go seek advice, reassurance if you like that there was a place for men like me. However as I've mixed and learned, involved myself the kink side is getting stronger, more urgent. Hard to explain but it's making my vanilla life all the better too,the change within, what I feel it's now transferable if you like where as before it was more like 2 separate blokes.

I think I know what you mean. I have more honest conversations with people these days. I’m a lot less judgmental than I used to be. But I’m not sure I fit with d/s.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Jinxy said:

I’m more on the “bedroom only” side of the spectrum. But I also think that people’s “kink personality” can bleed into other aspects of life. So even if it’s not 24/7 with rules and guidelines in place, it might be present informally in how you react to each other outside the bedroom. And too, I think the challenge comes in for “bedroom only” side, where does the line get drawn of where kink stops? There are certain kinks, such as chastity, that might involve wearing throughout the day. Then is it still considered to be kink for just the bedroom? 
 

Also, it might be different depending on how a person identifies. As a switch, I couldn’t do 24/7 in either role for long because I’d need the time to “recharge” that headspace, if that makes sense. But, I’m sure there are plenty of switches who are able to make it work, and I’d love to hear their experience and how they manage things. It, again, really comes down to, make it right for you. 
 

It’s all about finding your balance, I guess. Hearing how it works for others is always insightful for me as it is for you.

[Jinxy]

1 minute ago, Curvykate said:

I think I know what you mean. I have more honest conversations with people these days. I’m a lot less judgmental than I used to be. But I’m not sure I fit with d/s.

And that's A-okay  Even just learning that about yourself is a positive step, I think.

[Deleted Member]

Just now, Curvykate said:

It’s all about finding your balance, I guess. Hearing how it works for others is always insightful for me as it is for you.

Same, opinion and debate are vital

[re****]

Hmmm, interesting topic. Let's see here. I'm not "lifestyle" with implied constant dynamics or power exchange. I'm not "bedroom" in the sense that kink is only part of my sexual pleasure. I am in a middle ground where I embrace my kink as part of who I am.

 

However play for me is more rare, community events, private spaces, fully negotiated play that probably doesn't include a bed/sex. In some ways it is "casual" because once the scene ends, that's it the exchange has ended we've moved onto aftercare and back to our respective lives. In others, it's closer to "lifestyle" than it is to casual/bedroom mindsets because I invest a large part of myself to it and my play partners, it never quite turns off even when not engaged. 🤔

 

But, I think what I see is in echo of others, there are rising tides of new and/or casual players who pop in- ride the wave while interest holds and their desires are met, then ebb back out for awhile before returning (or not) vs others who may be more constant (myself, lifestyle people, anyone who embraces it as themselves regardless of how or how often).

Edited June 29, 2020 by reasyn

[Jinxy]

2 minutes ago, reasyn said:

Hmmm, interesting topic. Let's see here. I'm not "lifestyle" with implied constant dynamics or power exchange. I'm not "bedroom" in the sense that kink is only part of my sexual pleasure. I am in a middle ground where I embrace my kink, my kinky partners, as part of who I am.

You're always so eloquent. This is what I was trying to get at haha. 

[ga****]

11 minutes ago, reasyn said:

However play for me is more rare, community events, private spaces, fully negotiated play that probably doesn't include a bed/sex. In some ways it is "casual" because once the scene ends, that's it the exchange has ended we've moved onto aftercare and back to our respective lives. In others, it's closer to "lifestyle" than it is to casual/bedroom mindsets because I invest a large part of myself to it and my play partners, it never quite turns off even when not engaged. 🤔

This is so true for me. My partner and I have been dipping in and out of the "scene" for about the past decade, and there have been times where we've known everyone in the local community and other times when we've not recognised a single face, but throughout all of it I've still considered myself a kinky soul. Most of our kink energy gets saved up for events or clubs, where we'll hang out for the duration, hit the dungeon for an absolutely fucking awesome time at some point, then go back to cuddles, chats and aftercare. While we're there, we're 100% invested, and we play hard, but when we step away from it we can go months or years before we get around to doing it again, and during that time I suppose we'd look pretty vanilla to the casual observer. (I'd also argue that the casual observer isn't particularly casual if they're somehow snooping on our private sexy times. That sounds rather dedicated / professional to me.) 

So yeah, I'd never say we're "lifestyle" people, but we're definitely lifelong kinksters. 

Hurrah for grey areas 😅

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Drewxs said:

there are some very good fb groups that nurture newcomers to the lifestyle but quite hard to find, I can happily recommend one if anyone is interested. and of course there is always fetlife to learn terminology and the myriad of kinks available!
for me i have been lucky enough to have lived with 3 subs long term but not 247 lifestyle

I must say I found FL overwhelming as a newbie. And intimidating as a sub. I’m still there, but find this smaller site friendlier.

[Deleted Member]

42 minutes ago, Jinxy said:

And that's A-okay  Even just learning that about yourself is a positive step, I think.

Absolutely Jinxy. I’ve learnt more about myself in 18 months than I did in the previous 20 years.

[Deleted Member]

Hearing stories about middle ground and grey areas is exactly what I hoped my question might spark!

[Vandalslut]

For us, the demands of our day to day life affect where and when kink is present. A few years ago I had a subcontract with a Government project. Duration - 4 years, which (of course) ended up being 8. It was a very physically demanding job  AND a shed-load of paperwork, finding and employing work teams and dealing with the several different private building companies who were all involved with different parts of the project -one of whom went bankrupt in the course of events.  At that time we were also going on stock-buying trips, ready for our online business, getting the website set up, etc.   I was the secretary for the local services club, which exists only to put on the Anzac Day festivities here - and that was a year-round job. Two services, dawn and 11.00 a.m. Traffic management plans, police liaison, getting the RAAF base to arrange a catafalque party, inviting speakers for the addresses, sending out letters to local businesses asking for donations to help with the costs, organising raffles every Saturday to help fund it, doing battle with an idiot local publican who wanted to do it HER way, chasing members to do their share of the raffles, chasing the local Council to, FFS, do something about the memorial gardens which were a mess and the Cenotaph (only three of those in Australia, and we have one.) There's a Coven that meets here eight times a year (not lately, of course, what with Covid-19) so there's maintenance of the ritual site and a newsletter to do four times a year. We run a successful  online business which has become more successful during lock-down.  We live on two acres, keep ***s and there is always something to do on two acres.  The Vandal is a volunteer bush-fire fighter - 45 years service - and he not only worked on the Government project team with me, he is also a self employed gardener. So he was doing two jobs. The RFS  do more than fight fires - they can be called to flood/storm damage, traffic accidents and there's the constant war with the local Council to get permission for back-burning in Winter when weather conditions allow. And this is all before we did what we wanted to or any other life/family emergencies. The lengthy contract is now completed, thankfully, and I stood down from being the voluntary secretary.

The Vandal could have insisted on 24/7 dynamics as is his right - and as pleasant as that would be for both of us - he knows that would have been counter-productive all round, especially for him. In our long-term relationship, we've found it sometimes needful to 'lower' the dynamics in one area of life and elevate them in another area - ebb and flow.   Life is never static and the Vandal knew there was no point in demanding I fulfil his wants when that would have been to his own detriment. Obedient?  Yes, I was and still am obedient. (Because I know about it in no uncertain times when I'm not...) The Vandal is intelligent at an instinctual level, the best level, which is why I'm still his after 37 years.  If those involved are willing to go with it rather than inhumanely insisting and demanding, then the minds, bodies and spirits of all concerned are satisfied.

[ga****]

26 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I must say I found FL overwhelming as a newbie. And intimidating as a sub. I’m still there, but find this smaller site friendlier.

I've always coped on FL, but cope is very much the word - I never found it particularly user-friendly, and I only ever found it useful for staying in touch with people I'd already met. It clearly wasn't designed for meeting people online, despite a lot of people wanting to use it in that way! I only found this site recently, and I'm glad I did. 

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, garlicbulb said:

I've always coped on FL, but cope is very much the word - I never found it particularly user-friendly, and I only ever found it useful for staying in touch with people I'd already met. It clearly wasn't designed for meeting people online, despite a lot of people wanting to use it in that way! I only found this site recently, and I'm glad I did. 

I get the impression a lot of people use it the way you do. As a newbie last year, with messages flooding my inbox from men I had no clue how to deal with, it was way too much. And I didn’t find it easy to get talking to other subs on there. I couldn’t get to events, so I felt isolated. But the photography and writing is 🤩. Particularly difficult for men approaching women on there I think.