Deleted Member Posted June 29, 2020 Author Posted June 29, 2020 10 minutes ago, Vandalslut said: For us, the demands of our day to day life affect where and when kink is present. A few years ago I had a subcontract with a Government project. Duration - 4 years, which (of course) ended up being 8. It was a very physically demanding job AND a shed-load of paperwork, finding and employing work teams and dealing with the several different private building companies who were all involved with different parts of the project -one of whom went bankrupt in the course of events. At that time we were also going on stock-buying trips, ready for our online business, getting the website set up, etc. I was the secretary for the local services club, which exists only to put on the Anzac Day festivities here - and that was a year-round job. Two services, dawn and 11.00 a.m. Traffic management plans, police liaison, getting the RAAF base to arrange a catafalque party, inviting speakers for the addresses, sending out letters to local businesses asking for donations to help with the costs, organising raffles every Saturday to help fund it, doing battle with an idiot local publican who wanted to do it HER way, chasing members to do their share of the raffles, chasing the local Council to, FFS, do something about the memorial gardens which were a mess and the Cenotaph (only three of those in Australia, and we have one.) There's a Coven that meets here eight times a year (not lately, of course, what with Covid-19) so there's maintenance of the ritual site and a newsletter to do four times a year. We run a successful online business which has become more successful during lock-down. We live on two acres, keep ***s and there is always something to do on two acres. The Vandal is a volunteer bush-fire fighter - 45 years service - and he not only worked on the Government project team with me, he is also a self employed gardener. So he was doing two jobs. The RFS do more than fight fires - they can be called to flood/storm damage, traffic accidents and there's the constant war with the local Council to get permission for back-burning in Winter when weather conditions allow. And this is all before we did what we wanted to or any other life/family emergencies. The lengthy contract is now completed, thankfully, and I stood down from being the voluntary secretary. The Vandal could have insisted on 24/7 dynamics as is his right - and as pleasant as that would be for both of us - he knows that would have been counter-productive all round, especially for him. In our long-term relationship, we've found it sometimes needful to 'lower' the dynamics in one area of life and elevate them in another area - ebb and flow. Life is never static and the Vandal knew there was no point in demanding I fulfil his wants when that would have been to his own detriment. Obedient? Yes, I was and still am obedient. (Because I know about it in no uncertain times when I'm not...) The Vandal is intelligent at an instinctual level, the best level, which is why I'm still his after 37 years. If those involved are willing to go with it rather than inhumanely insisting and demanding, then the minds, bodies and spirits of all concerned are satisfied. I understand the dynamic might shift and change as with any relationship. And it’s impressive that yours survives happily for so long! I am rapidly coming to the conclusion I am not made for that kind of dynamic in the first place though.
Leisa Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Having just stepped back into the lifestyle after a vanilla marriage I’m having the time of my life. This isn’t just a minute on the clock but an entire existence. I felt so out there and alone in a completely vanilla marriage. Being a lifestyle kink is the only way for me but it’s not for everyone. I can understand those who are not into the whole community but for those who are it’s one hell of a ride. Accepting that not everyone is in the same position I am in is alright. This lifestyle has a place for everyone and while I live the lifestyle it’s not for everyone. I think everyone has to find their niche and they’re place. I’ve found that this is the least judgmental of all lifestyles and I embrace it. Those old and new, the weekenders and the lifers, those whose only experiences will only be in the bedroom to those who are consumed 24/7. There’s a misconception about 24/7. It doesn’t necessarily mean you live in the same house 24/7 it just means that 24/7 you live a dynamic that sustains and flourishes through both the challenges and the easy. For me and Thebain it’s not just a short term relationship it’s meant to last a lifetime. This is not just a lifestyle for me, it’s what gives me life. While I work in a very conservative career where i have to adapt my outward appearance, being a submissive is not a hat I can put on and take off. I’m part of the most understanding, accepting, rewarding community I could possibly have. It’s free from judgments and unrealistic expectations.
re**** Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 I think there's another element here, where lifestyle and 24/7 dynamics become almost synonymous to each other. An idea that if you aren't in a 24/7 dynamic you aren't a lifestyle kinkster. I can't walk away from kink, I've tried and made myself incredibly unhappy. This is where I fit but I wouldn't fit into a 24/7 dynamic. So, calling myself a lifestyle kinkster seems a bit wrong and I'm not entirely sure that should be the case.
Deleted Member Posted June 30, 2020 Author Posted June 30, 2020 9 hours ago, Curvykate said: I must say I found FL overwhelming as a newbie. And intimidating as a sub. I’m still there, but find this smaller site friendlier. Agreed, more personal, easier to be yourself and seek advice/help. A community should you wish to become involved.
ga**** Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 6 hours ago, reasyn said: I think there's another element here, where lifestyle and 24/7 dynamics become almost synonymous to each other. An idea that if you aren't in a 24/7 dynamic you aren't a lifestyle kinkster. That's a really interesting point. How's "lifestyle" generally defined?
Deleted Member Posted June 30, 2020 Author Posted June 30, 2020 35 minutes ago, garlicbulb said: That's a really interesting point. How's "lifestyle" generally defined? To be fair, I didn’t start this post labelling some people “lifestyle kinksters” it was just a way to signal full-on involvement with kink - but I can see that becomes troublesome. I just prefer kinkster for myself. And like @reasyn I’ve tried walking away a few times. I partly started this discussion because I don’t recognise my feelings in some of the writing I see about submission. Im finding my own version.
Jinxy Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 6 hours ago, Curvykate said: To be fair, I didn’t start this post labelling some people “lifestyle kinksters” it was just a way to signal full-on involvement with kink - but I can see that becomes troublesome. I just prefer kinkster for myself. And like @reasyn I’ve tried walking away a few times. I partly started this discussion because I don’t recognise my feelings in some of the writing I see about submission. Im finding my own version. I had this issue as well. I wasn’t finding my style as a Domme or submissive represented in a majority of the discussions I saw (not only on here but elsewhere as well). It can mess with your head, thinking you’re doing things wrong or don’t fit because it doesn’t follow the trend or majority. You’re not alone in that feeling, so thank you for posting to get some of those other perspectives out there. I think sometimes certain pockets of BDSM seem representative of the whole because they tend to be the more involved group in discussions, posts, events, etc. but any and every style is valid. As you said, make it your own.
Deleted Member Posted June 30, 2020 Author Posted June 30, 2020 3 hours ago, Jinxy said: I had this issue as well. I wasn’t finding my style as a Domme or submissive represented in a majority of the discussions I saw (not only on here but elsewhere as well). It can mess with your head, thinking you’re doing things wrong or don’t fit because it doesn’t follow the trend or majority. You’re not alone in that feeling, so thank you for posting to get some of those other perspectives out there. I think sometimes certain pockets of BDSM seem representative of the whole because they tend to be the more involved group in discussions, posts, events, etc. but any and every style is valid. As you said, make it your own. That’s exactly how I’m feeling. Glad this discussion helped you too. 😁
ga**** Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 That all makes sense! I wonder if there's an element of performative bias? Like, a lot of people want to be seen to be taking it 100% absolutely seriously, so they'll only post stuff that makes it look like they're all kink, all the time. So the general perception, "most people are dedicated 24/7 type people" is probably more like "most people who are both into kink and into posting on kink forums, which are potentially two different things are keen to present themselves as dedicated 24/7 type people but actually a lot of them are probably living a lot more in the grey areas than they'll admit online". I mean, by definition, the majority of people must live somewhere in between the two extremes (24/7 vs "casual occasional fun in the bedroom and nothing else"). And the minority who fall at the more intense end of the spectrum probably look like less of a minority because they'll end up having a big following / platform, because the stuff they post is so attractive. It's so easy to question yourself and think "oof, that doesn't sound like me, am I the exception here?" This is a way more in-depth reply than I meant to do 😅
Deleted Member Posted July 1, 2020 Author Posted July 1, 2020 10 hours ago, garlicbulb said: That all makes sense! I wonder if there's an element of performative bias? Like, a lot of people want to be seen to be taking it 100% absolutely seriously, so they'll only post stuff that makes it look like they're all kink, all the time. So the general perception, "most people are dedicated 24/7 type people" is probably more like "most people who are both into kink and into posting on kink forums, which are potentially two different things are keen to present themselves as dedicated 24/7 type people but actually a lot of them are probably living a lot more in the grey areas than they'll admit online". I mean, by definition, the majority of people must live somewhere in between the two extremes (24/7 vs "casual occasional fun in the bedroom and nothing else"). And the minority who fall at the more intense end of the spectrum probably look like less of a minority because they'll end up having a big following / platform, because the stuff they post is so attractive. It's so easy to question yourself and think "oof, that doesn't sound like me, am I the exception here?" This is a way more in-depth reply than I meant to do 😅 Your accidental in-depth reply is awesome 😁
ol**** Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 It's a spectrum. No question. I guess the real point is when does spicing things up a little bit in the bedroom become spicing things up a lot in the bedroom and when does that cross over into a fetish?
Cade Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, oldfellow said: It's a spectrum. No question. I guess the real point is when does spicing things up a little bit in the bedroom become spicing things up a lot in the bedroom and when does that cross over into a fetish? I think the defining difference between kink and fetish might answer this. "Kink" is an object or activity that makes a person aroused, but isn't necessary for arousal; "fetish" is when you need that object or activity to get aroused, at all. So, in consideration to the question, spicing up in the bedroom becomes a fetish with the realization that the object or activity is a prerequisite for achieving arousal.
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