Doms & Subs - I'm a brand new Dom - I'd really appreciate some advice - Thanks in advance!

[Deleted Member]

Hi everyone,

First of all thank you in advance for taking the time to read my thread and an extra thank you to anyone who shares their knowledge with me, your help is greatly appreciated.

Basically I joined a swingers website a while back and happened to message a random girl (she had sub in her username) who I've now gotten to know as a beautiful woman inside and out.

Anyway we got chatting and she revealed to me that she'd been unsuccessfully looking for a Dom on there and despite the fact I let her know very early on that I've never been in a relationship as a dominant, she let me know that she has and the way I speak, connect and make her feel that she strongly thinks I am.

After about two months of speaking and getting to know eachother I can say that I really do feel like I may be dominant, it's like this girl has unlocked a side of me that I've never experienced before.

I really care for her and feel very protective of her not in a creepy way, it's hard to articulate what I mean. We've been playing around exploring with little tasks for her which she craves and to be honest it is really pleasing when she does something to please me.

We've done some simple stuff like me choosing her nail varnish colours and her ***ting them exactly how I want them. Little selfies from her which I asked for once at 8am and she instinctively sends one at the same time every single day, up to sexual acts with her using toys and things.

It's not all take either, I'm not just requesting her to do things for my pleasure, for instance if I can tell she's feeling down or stressed I'll tell her to take an hour and have a mess around with her nail varnish and makeup and show me (make up and beauty is relaxing for her) so while I might be telling her what to do its to help her this time.

Naturally this sparked a bit of interest and got me researching, I've read a few books 'Dominance and submission the BDSM relationship handbook' and 'bdsm basics for beginners'. I'm a basically always looking to learn it's my favourite hobby and these two books while very informative and helpful are really just like an encyclopedia, or a guide line.

They don't really delve into the finer details of actual d/s relationships which I understand are vastly different and hard to quantify depending on each dynamic but that personal real life, first hand experience is what I need.

So I'd like to ask both Doms and subs to share with me any important tips for a new and exploring Dom in this world.

Even if it's just to point me to further reading your help is greatly appreciated.

My little cutie has said she's never felt the trust she has with me and completely trusts my judgement.

I think she's craving a little more from me right now but despite asking her and assuring her that she can tell me or suggest anything to help me better meet her needs as a dom, I have a feeling that she thinks it's rude or she will put me off.

For instance during dirty talk I was calling her a filthy girl and asked her if there were any hot button words that drove her wild.

She said no I'm doing great, however I flipped it and had her describe to me her ideal scenario in detail and she called herself my filthy little slut.

I picked up on this and started using it and it took things to a whole new level.

So Doms if you have any suggestions to slowly broaden my experience and things to try, please let me know. I'm enjoying learning, everything were doing and would like to improve for myself and my girl.

Subs, if you can, please share some fundamental basics that my girl will probably be needing or wanting from me.

I'm open to learn and thankful for the help, apologies for the rambling, I just needed to get most of my thoughts out in the open.

Kind regards,

InquisitiveDom

[Deleted Member]

HI there Inquisitive, nice to meet you. Firstly let me say WELCOME TO FET. ok now thats done with lets get into the nitty gritty. its wonderful that you have found the lifestyle and it resonates with you, Even better that you have met somebody to help bring out your inner Dom and that you can both grow together. 

you raised a few points in your post and id like to address a couple. Firstly the single most important thing in any D/s dynamic or relationship is communication. there literally can not be enough talking, discussions and verbalising of feelings. this helps as every single person sees the world differently and only through communication can we grow closer to the person we have chosen. 
Depending on the areas that interest you, there are lots of online resources available for learning about BDSM, from online seminars, to talks, to Videos, to blog posts. there are endless books and stories written and a wealth of knowledge available from people here that might be a bit intimidating to starts with. 

there is a concept known as the cornerstones of BDSM. these are  Honesty, Integrity, Communication and Trust. All very important to maintaining your sense of self in the whirlwind of a rabbit hole that BDSM tends to be  

 

They don't really delve into the finer details of actual d/s relationships which I understand are vastly different and hard to quantify depending on each dynamic but that personal real life, first hand experience is what I need.

 

what is it you would like to know about D/s specifically? there are a LOT of different ways of expression and no one way to do it right, however there are general safer practices (SSC - Safe, Sane and Consensual) that are easily understood. deeper still you have those that acknowledge that there are dangers in Kink and BDSM ( RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and again another step higher, you have those that actively seek the danger, seek to understand all of the potential outcomes and opportunities that BDSM can have (PRICK - Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink) my advice would be to have a look at these terms and do some reading around each mentality. finding the one you resonate with will help in your exploration of it. 
 

In your post you do not mention weather you have discussed types of play with your sub. i assume she is more experienced and is helping show you along. for understanding purposes i always like asking the question "why" as in why does she like this, why DOESNT she like this etc etc etc and turn it back to yourself.   

if you are looking at getting out and about into the lifestyle then you could have a look at local events or munches ( gatherings of kinky folks in vanilla settings like pubs or bars etc) 

 

Ultimately the best advise i can give you as a submissive is to know yourself and learn as much as possible. joins groups, read discussions and take part. ask questions and take on board peoples experiences but maintain your head. what others have experienced is not reflective to you, only perhaps anecdotal evidence of the joy that can be found in BDSM.

Welcome to the Madhouse 

[Deleted Member]

Hi little_red_92, nice to meet you too! Thanks for the warm welcome and thank you for taking the time to write such a long and helpful reply.

50 minutes ago, little_red_92 said:

Firstly the single most important thing in any D/s dynamic or relationship is communication. there literally can not be enough talking, discussions and verbalising of feelings. this helps as every single person sees the world differently and only through communication can we grow closer to the person we have chosen. 

Thank you for this one, I think I may need to really have a think about how I can open up the communication more on her side.

Do you know of any or think it might be a good idea to set out some questions I'd like to know more about and have her fill that in?

Maybe set it as an assignment since right now (this may change) we've only really moved to Dom/s about 3 weeks ago she just says everything I'm doing is great.

I honestly don't know whether this is all she needs/wants (I suspect not) or she doesn't want to overwhelm me because she cares for me.

50 minutes ago, little_red_92 said:

there is a concept known as the cornerstones of BDSM. these are  Honesty, Integrity, Communication and Trust. All very important to maintaining your sense of self in the whirlwind of a rabbit hole that BDSM tends to be

Thanks for bringing this up, I don't recall reading much about the cornerstones, SSC and RACK were covered extensively, so I'll have a good read about the cornerstones tonight.

 

50 minutes ago, little_red_92 said:

what is it you would like to know about D/s specifically?

I should mention we are mainly online, well virtual right now, we live 50 miles apart and the current situation makes it a little awkward.

We've met twice in real life, I've insisted on no play yet. We've kissed and had really flirty naughty teases but no actual play.

She had a bad experience a while back and although she says she trusts me completely I don't want to rush her, I want to be completely sure myself that she's fine just for my own piece of mind.

She's mentioned a few times that she likes me making choices for her and feels good when she completes and gets my approval it makes her happy.

It's actually great from my side too, it's quite rewarding when someone really wants to make you happy.

So far it's only been little things, like choosing her make up colours for her eyes and nails, some sexual stuff, forcing her to realise when she needs to just rest and relax so she doesn't burn out.

So I'd like to hear about any tasks or training we could start which right now will mainly be done from a distance.

The main one we have right now is actually she asked me the most amazing thing I've felt which was a deep throat and she said she'd love to do it but can't so she's been training to reduce her gag reflex and practicing on a toy.

50 minutes ago, little_red_92 said:

In your post you do not mention weather you have discussed types of play with your sub. i assume she is more experienced and is helping show you along. for understanding purposes i always like asking the question "why" as in why does she like this, why DOESNT she like this etc etc etc and turn it back to yourself.   

Thanks for the why suggestion, I think that's partly my fault too.

I've always really been sexually dominant so trying to be dominant outside of the bedroom has been a bit of a learning curve.

I've been trying to learn how to communicate more clearly and be more specific and precise with my questions but it's challenging when you're so used to speaking a certain way.

For example I'd usually say "***t your nails pink and white" and not give it a second thought.

But now I'm a lot more specific, so I'd say "show me all of your pink and white nail polish" then I'd choose two and say "***t your ring fingers white and the rest with the pink"

I've just started reading non violent communication which is apparently really good, I heard about it from a kink blog post. This should massively help me once I've gone through it.

50 minutes ago, little_red_92 said:

Ultimately the best advise i can give you as a submissive is to know yourself and learn as much as possible. joins groups, read discussions and take part. ask questions and take on board peoples experiences but maintain your head. what others have experienced is not reflective to you, only perhaps anecdotal evidence of the joy that can be found in BDSM.

Thank you, that's all I can do right now I suppose, learn, learn, learn.

Thanks again for the help, I appreciate your thoughts and time.

[Gabriella800]

This might seem harsh but are you on a relationship with this sub ? If you are then your status is not single on the site
That’s one of the ways to be a good Dom

[Deleted Member]

29 minutes ago, Gabriella800 said:

This might seem harsh but are you on a relationship with this sub ? If you are then your status is not single on the site
That’s one of the ways to be a good Dom

Hey thanks for pointing that out I thought I'd selected Dom sub relationship which it says, didn't realise the other one though.

Edit: finally found it, quite hidden away isn't it that little button.

Also ***d me to find how to edit my stats too 😂

Edited July 24, 2020 by Deleted Member
Update

[Deleted Member]

I’ve spoken to a fair few newbie Doms and it’s pretty rare that someone puts the energy into thinking about it as you are. Sounds like you’re doing fine. You’re listening to her, paying attention. That’s key. As a sub, I often find it tremendously difficult to tell a man what I need as your sub seems to be. It can be easier doing that as an order - for example she writes you a scenario to please you (but you’re finding out more about what she wants of course). You’re figuring out your own dynamic. I think joining this site will give you insight into other people’s dynamics and that’s a great way to learn.

[Mo****]

Mate, both CurvyKate and lil_red have given you some great things to think about.  Both of them have a solid head on their shoulders and will not lead you astray.

Can I ask, has she (your friend) had a dominant before, and WHY did they go their separate ways if she had one?  Understanding that break-up is almost essential because it will give you an indication of whether the trust was broken, or that her needs were not being met, or perhaps, she suffered violent *** rather than the loving *** that we give our partners in this kinky life.

OK you have done some reading and have stumbled onto the fact that your friend likes to have tasks set for her.  Does she have a profile here?  You are currently in the shallow end of the deep pool, and you need to take your relationship further, but she isn't giving you any real direction in what she wants to do.  OK, then if she has a profile here, set her the task of completing the profile (all aspects), which is to include the fetishes that interest her.  Another task that you can set her is for her to write a short story of how and what she would love to do to please you.  She is not going to write about things that she knows nothing about, or things that are her hard limits, so you can see from that story or if you do it every month, stories where she wants to go with things.  This works reasonably well, if she won't communicate openly with you.  As time goes on and you have that honest and open communication happening, you can add extra topics to it that you would like to try for YOUR satisfaction.

The most important thing though that you need to do, is before you get too involved into kinks, is get inside her head, understand the things that you talk about that turns her on, get to know her moods and emotions, and learn about how easy it is to make her cum.  Know and learn about her menstrual cycle and does she get extra horny, or suffer from the physical effects.  In short, you need to know her as well or better than she knows herself, because you are going to take her to the edge of her boundaries and limits, WITHOUT breaking those limits or boundaries.   

In short, you need to know her better than she knows herself, and YOU need to understand yourself in what satisfies and fulfills you as well.  It is only when these things are known that the 2 of you can grow together and experience all the good things that this life has to offer.  Remember a couple of things though.  Firstly, this life does have some dangers to it, so if there are activities that your not totally OK with, then do risk assessments into them and be aware of consequences, and have a plan B for safety.  Also remember, her safety and well-being is YOUR responsibility, and should never be compromised.

[E-dUbBs]

Hello inquisitive
Literally the wonderful people who’ve gone before on this feed have you well covered in terms of advice.
I’ll just say I’m no expert but if you feel you need an ear feel free to message a helpful soundboard sometimes helps
Aside from that keep going you seem like you’re on the right path

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I’ve spoken to a fair few newbie Doms and it’s pretty rare that someone puts the energy into thinking about it as you are. Sounds like you’re doing fine. You’re listening to her, paying attention. That’s key. As a sub, I often find it tremendously difficult to tell a man what I need as your sub seems to be. It can be easier doing that as an order - for example she writes you a scenario to please you (but you’re finding out more about what she wants of course). You’re figuring out your own dynamic. I think joining this site will give you insight into other people’s dynamics and that’s a great way to learn.

Thank you Kate I appreciate the kind words and advice.

You're absolutely right about when I flip it and ask her to describe the perfect scenario I learn a lot more of not only things we both have in common but also some things that I've previously asked and she's had no answer.

Feels like when she's free with her imagination and not having to dig deep and find a specific answer I learn a lot more.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice with me.

[Deleted Member]

Hi @MossyBoy thanks for taking the time out of your day to offer your advice.

Yeah I really appreciate the time and effort @little_red_92 and @Curvykate have taken to share their knowledge.

I'll try to answer your post as best I can to give you a better understanding.

1 hour ago, MossyBoy said:

Can I ask, has she (your friend) had a dominant before, and WHY did they go their separate ways if she had one?  Understanding that break-up is almost essential because it will give you an indication of whether the trust was broken, or that her needs were not being met, or perhaps, she suffered violent *** rather than the loving *** that we give our partners in this kinky life.

She's been in two, one was when she was brand new and the Dom was into *** and *** which was too extreme for her.

She tried but it just didn't work out, she'd rather correction, praise and reward and moderate ***.

She ended up walking away from that one.

The second guy was an imposter apparently, she liked him as a person but he said he was an experienced Dom which she just knew he wasn't.

She was happy and willing to give him time to grow into the role but in his head he was already there. She said she couldn't fully submit (I have no idea what this means, is it a trust issue?)

1 hour ago, MossyBoy said:

you have done some reading and have stumbled onto the fact that your friend likes to have tasks set for her.  Does she have a profile here?  You are currently in the shallow end of the deep pool, and you need to take your relationship further, but she isn't giving you any real direction in what she wants to do.  OK, then if she has a profile here, set her the task of completing the profile (all aspects), which is to include the fetishes that interest her

She doesn't really have an online presence anywhere she's quite shy and introvert and a little self conscious (she doesn't realise how great she actually is)

I've know I'm helping her overcome this though because I asked her a question from the book I read.

Have I influenced you in any way, if so how?

She said.. "hmmm, you have actually. Although I can’t take compliments, you’ve made me walk higher and look at myself different. I want to make the effort now."

She's also told me "it's funny, I find myself putting on make up and getting ready wondering whether you'll like it, it's been a while since I've felt that"

So if she's not ready right now to join I'm sure she will be soon.

1 hour ago, MossyBoy said:

Another task that you can set her is for her to write a short story of how and what she would love to do to please you.  She is not going to write about things that she knows nothing about, or things that are her hard limits, so you can see from that story or if you do it every month, stories where she wants to go with things.  This works reasonably well, if she won't communicate openly with you.  As time goes on and you have that honest and open communication happening, you can add extra topics to it that you would like to try for YOUR satisfaction

Now this I think she will enjoy so I'll definitely set her that task.

Thanks for the suggestion, do you have any ideas for other topics that might help me understand her better?

1 hour ago, MossyBoy said:

The most important thing though that you need to do, is before you get too involved into kinks, is get inside her head, understand the things that you talk about that turns her on, get to know her moods and emotions, and learn about how easy it is to make her cum.  Know and learn about her menstrual cycle and does she get extra horny, or suffer from the physical effects.  In short, you need to know her as well or better than she knows herself, because you are going to take her to the edge of her boundaries and limits, WITHOUT breaking those limits or boundaries.   

I know a fair bit about this subject already.

She's very receptive to words and descriptions and I can talk her through almost any scenario sensual or rough and have her worked up ready to go in minutes.

The idea of both being sensually dominated or used for my pleasure is very arousing for her.

It's funny because I can actually describe something as simple as eating something in a very descriptive way and have her horny as she wonders whether I'm actually talking about a sexual act or actually food.

She loves giving blowjobs, it turns her on, hearing me cum, breathing, moans and s***ch (excuse the descriptions) is a massive turn on

Menstrul cycle is physical affects but she'd still want to give blowjobs.

Her biggest fantasy is consensual none consent.

I'm pretty good at reading her emotions right now but need to get better.

I can tell from her messages if she's tired, stressed, low or horny most of the time and usually have the right advice for her.

Whether it's making her relax and unwind in a bath or to do something she doesn't need to think about like her make up and nails. Just little things that make a difference when she doesn't realise she needs them if you understand what I mean.

1 hour ago, MossyBoy said:

In short, you need to know her better than she knows herself, and YOU need to understand yourself in what satisfies and fulfills you as well.  It is only when these things are known that the 2 of you can grow together and experience all the good things that this life has to offer.  Remember a couple of things though.  Firstly, this life does have some dangers to it, so if there are activities that your not totally OK with, then do risk assessments into them and be aware of consequences, and have a plan B for safety.  Also remember, her safety and well-being is YOUR responsibility, and should never be compromised.

Thanks for this information, is there any subjects or further reading on how to better read and know or as you put it get in her head and know her better than she does?

I'm still learning what I want but it's fun and enjoyable. I can tell you the sense of, I don't know how to say it maybe pride and enjoyment when she does something to make me happy is really nice which I've never experienced before.

Also the feeling of making her feel safe and happy is really nice.

Once again thanks for sharing your knowledge and devoting time to help. I appreciate what you've all said.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, E-dUbBs said:

Hello inquisitive
Literally the wonderful people who’ve gone before on this feed have you well covered in terms of advice.
I’ll just say I’m no expert but if you feel you need an ear feel free to message a helpful soundboard sometimes helps
Aside from that keep going you seem like you’re on the right path

Thanks for the invite to message you that's really generous and I'll take you up on it when my single message messaging ability is restored later.

[Deleted Member]

On 7/25/2020 at 4:33 AM, InquisitiveDom said:

Thank you for this one, I think I may need to really have a think about how I can open up the communication more on her side.

Do you know of any or think it might be a good idea to set out some questions I'd like to know more about and have her fill that in?

Communication is key here so if you feel that just talking is not getting the response you need ( just praise rather than constructive help) then a questionnaire will certainly help, as others have suggested perhaps have her complete an essay that requires her to look inside herself for some of the "why" answers. a journal is always a good idea, the premise being that anything written in the journal is safe from punishment and she sends it to you each night after she has completed it. this will give you insight into how her day has been and her current mood. 
discussing things like safe words, limits and boundaries on behaviour will also give you an idea of where she is at. perhaps have her right a list of things she would like to be made into rules to follow. 

Quote

Maybe set it as an assignment since right now (this may change) we've only really moved to Dom/s about 3 weeks ago she just says everything I'm doing is great.

I honestly don't know whether this is all she needs/wants (I suspect not) or she doesn't want to overwhelm me because she cares for me.

Constructive criticism is very helpful, whilst knowing that im doing well is one thing, knowing what parameters the "doing great" falls within and what could be better, or worse. accepting that you are new to this and WILL make mistakes will help both of you as it then gives you an opportunity to grow. 

Respectfully it sounds like she is wanting you to just know how to be a Dominant and that isnt really possible. perhaps set her a task of listing what she will and wont accept in behaviour from you as her Dominant. just because she takes the submissive role does not mean her choices are irrelevant. 

a good bonding exercise for you both would be to research together. perhaps finding some commonality of interest and then taking steps to be accountable to each other in your learning. this will tell you if she is as serious as you appear to be about self growth etc.

Quote

She had a bad experience a while back and although she says she trusts me completely I don't want to rush her, I want to be completely sure myself that she's fine just for my own piece of mind.

this worries me slightly, respectfully you have been together a short while and complete trust is ( or should be imho) difficult to gain in a short space of time. please be careful of her intentions (here is the warning part) not all women who say they are submissive are. its a sad fact that many need to perpetuate an *** cycle, you need to be totally sure that this is not the case with her, for your own sake as well as hers. your Narrative shows me that this isnt likely to happen on your end.

 

Quote

So I'd like to hear about any tasks or training we could start which right now will mainly be done from a distance.

journaling, essays, routines (with picture proof) Diet control ( healthy vs cheat day) position training, protocol training are just some of the many many any things you can task her to do. and remember at times there doesn't even need to be a point to the task, only that you as the Dominant want to her to do it. 

i would think that mixing easy tasks in with a few more difficult ones would help, but remember always set her up to succeed with a realistic goal. have sanctions in place for lack of effort ( time out, orgasm control, fixed position etc etc ) so that she knows that there are things in place if she does try. Try being the main word. effort and attention to detail are key. but always finishing the task if that makes sense. A Dominant would be better at explaining this lol!

Quote

I've been trying to learn how to communicate more clearly and be more specific and precise with my questions but it's challenging when you're so used to speaking a certain way.

For example I'd usually say "***t your nails pink and white" and not give it a second thought.

But now I'm a lot more specific, so I'd say "show me all of your pink and white nail polish" then I'd choose two and say "***t your ring fingers white and the rest with the pink"

 

From the look of it, you are a willing and intelligent person who wants to help your submissive grow, but don't forget your own growth in the process. you should do this because you want to, not because your girlfriend is asking you to. 

Burnout is a thing that you must also keep an eye on yourself for. take it steady and move at your own pace. if you feel she is rushing you then stop her, you are afterall the Dom

 

a few things that might help you continue is the BDSM test 

Evie Lupine - Youtube channel

Master Arcane's Crow Academy

The Dominant Soul 

the above were helpful to me when i first joined, as a submissive i have a very different path to you but knowledge is knowledge and it didnt much matter to me where it came from. 

 

Edited July 26, 2020 by Deleted Member
External links removed

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

From the look of it, you are a willing and intelligent person who wants to help your submissive grow, but don't forget your own growth in the process. you should do this because you want to, not because your girlfriend is asking you to. 

Burnout is a thing that you must also keep an eye on yourself for. take it steady and move at your own pace. if you feel she is rushing you then stop her, you are afterall the Dom

 

a few things that might help you continue is the BDSM test 

Evie Lupine - Youtube channel

Master Arcane's Crow Academy 

The Dominant Soul 

the above were helpful to me when i first joined, as a submissive i have a very different path to you but knowledge is knowledge and it didnt much matter to me where it came from. 

 

Aside from the test, I don’t know any of those. 🙌🏻 lr.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Deleted Member
External links removed from requote

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, InquisitiveDom said:

Thank you Kate I appreciate the kind words and advice.

You're absolutely right about when I flip it and ask her to describe the perfect scenario I learn a lot more of not only things we both have in common but also some things that I've previously asked and she's had no answer.

Feels like when she's free with her imagination and not having to dig deep and find a specific answer I learn a lot more.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice with me.

🤗 Very happy to. I’m only 18 months into this myself, so glad to see others are chiming in.

[BeardedSi]

Hi InquisitiveDom

I would like to re-itterate a lot of what has already been said. Knowing yourself as well as knowing your sub is one of the most important things. Being able to communicate openly and honestly without *** of reprisal or condemnation is something that may be difficult for some at the start. the more you do it the more it helps to build the trust between you both. Social conditioning can make it difficult to break through those barriers but with patients and support I'm sure you will.

I agree with the task suggestions that have been given to you to get her to open up about what and how she sees the dynamic as being and becoming.

I would also suggest that you actually complete the same thing from your own perspective. She doesn't have to know about it but it will help you to see where you align and where you may not as well as help you to understand yourself better.

As a Dom you take on many roles for your submissive and you have to be willing to take on the responsibility as such. It's not as simple and just telling her to do something and expecting her to do it. (Don't worry... Sometimes it is 🤣) A great thing that I heard once was that as a Dominant one of our responsibilities is to always be working towards bettering our submissives as well ourselves. Any D-type that thinks they have mastered everything is living in ignorance. There is a Japanese term called Keizen it means continuous improvement. It's accepting that we will never be perfect but there are always things we can improve upon. Even if they are small things they better the whole. I apply this philosophy to D/s.

All in all educate yourself and your submissive. Build upon a strong foundation and don't be afraid of making mistakes. We are all human. We all make them. It's how we learn from them that is important.

[Deleted Member]

Just now, Curvykate said:

Aside from the test, I don’t know any of those. 🙌🏻 lr.

 i found some when i was looking into joining the community, Sir suggested a couple of others when we first started talking. there are no many resources available on this stuff

[Deleted Member]

Hey @little_red_92 thanks again for the long and thorough reply, I appreciate your time and advice.

We had an honest and open discussion yesterday both were free to say anything.

Turns out that both of us were guilty of some things.

She really didn't want to push me into this too deep too fast and overwhelm me, which is understandable and appreciated.

But because of this she'd been holding back on a lot of things in case I get scared off.

As for myself, I wasn't open enough in my questioning and explanation of my feelings and thoughts on the subjects I wanted to know more about.

So some of my questions were basically none specific and/or not asked in the right way to convey my desire to really know the answer to what I was asking.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

Communication is key here so if you feel that just talking is not getting the response you need ( just praise rather than constructive help) then a questionnaire will certainly help

The little chat we had was much better, we decided to try to be more inquisitive for a couple of weeks and if something isn't clear we have to both voice what we mean.

I set a small task for both of us, an easy one since we're both very comfortable about play and sexual acts.

I asked her to list exactly what she wants during play.

Just three categories 1) Her favourites - 2) Would like to try - 3) Off limits.

We have both done this.

Turns out she likes creating lists so it was an enjoyable task.

I received the list last night then set a further task of fleshing the list out with the where, how and why of each item on the list, I'll receive it today.

We can then compare lists and see where we have some common ground and talk through a few of the things.

Hopefully this will be the first step in opening a better communication dialogue.

She did however say she was a little sad and felt a little bit of a disappointment for not really answering the previous things I'd asked now.

But that's mostly my fault for not making it clear enough that I really wanted to know and not being specific enough.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

others have suggested perhaps have her complete an essay that requires her to look inside herself for some of the "why" answers. a journal is always a good idea, the premise being that anything written in the journal is safe from punishment and she sends it to you each night after she has completed it. this will give you insight into how her day has been and her current mood

Thanks for this, I will introduce a journal soon, going to run through the questionnaire and list style for the time being though and just take things a little slower.

She enjoys them and these lists can be broken down into many sub sections and explanations for each item if they're not specific enough.

But it's definitely something I'd like to include soon.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

Constructive criticism is very helpful, whilst knowing that im doing well is one thing, knowing what parameters the "doing great" falls within and what could be better, or worse. accepting that you are new to this and WILL make mistakes will help both of you as it then gives you an opportunity to grow. 

This is going to be my next little assignment, what she wants/needs from a d/s relationship and me specifically, things that I'm currently doing well at and why I am.

We have a little system now that is basically free from any judgement or criticism. We speak mainly through on a one to one chat, however we have opened a separate group from that chat.

Either of us are to post in the group when we see something we think needs highlighting while we're both learning about eachother, criticism, a little description of something we liked/didn't like, a suggestion or just anything we would like to discuss.

Basically a safe place to get anything off our chests until we get more serious over time.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

Respectfully it sounds like she is wanting you to just know how to be a Dominant and that isnt really possible. perhaps set her a task of listing what she will and wont accept in behaviour from you as her Dominant. just because she takes the submissive role does not mean her choices are irrelevant. 

Hopefully this will be somewhat sorted now since I've made it clear that if I'm asking I'm genuinely looking for answers, and she knows that if I think it's going too fast or it's too much I'll tell her.

But I'll definitely be getting a list of what behaviours are and aren't acceptable from me.

I'll do the same with her too.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

this worries me slightly, respectfully you have been together a short while and complete trust is ( or should be imho) difficult to gain in a short space of time. please be careful of her intentions (here is the warning part) not all women who say they are submissive are. its a sad fact that many need to perpetuate an *** cycle, you need to be totally sure that this is not the case with her, for your own sake as well as hers. your Narrative shows me that this isnt likely to happen on your end.

Thanks for the heads up, reflecting on her words, I think what she means by completely trusts me, is me as a person.

She feels she can tell me anything and is comfortable doing so for instance I'm the first person she's met that she's ever told that she has a young child, she didn't feel the need to share that with other people she'd met or spoken to.

I can assure you, and thanks again for the warning, that if I felt her actions were to perpetuate an absolute cycle I'd never take part in that, I'd obviously try to help her but if she was unwilling or refused to accept help, I'd unfortunately have to end the relationship and move on.

Likewise if I felt it was damaging to who I am, my personality, morals and belief, I won't compromise who I am and will again end the relationship.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

journaling, essays, routines (with picture proof) Diet control ( healthy vs cheat day) position training, protocol training are just some of the many many any things you can task her to do. and remember at times there doesn't even need to be a point to the task, only that you as the Dominant want to her to do it. 

i would think that mixing easy tasks in with a few more difficult ones would help, but remember always set her up to succeed with a realistic goal. have sanctions in place for lack of effort ( time out, orgasm control, fixed position etc etc ) so that she knows that there are things in place if she does try. Try being the main word. effort and attention to detail are key. but always finishing the task if that makes sense. A Dominant would be better at explaining this lol!

Thanks for this, this is just what I needed you've given me a load of interesting sub topics to dive into there.

I was really struggling to find anything that would lead to a variety of different things, most of what I've seen has been pretty much all the same.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

From the look of it, you are a willing and intelligent person who wants to help your submissive grow, but don't forget your own growth in the process. you should do this because you want to, not because your girlfriend is asking you to. 

Burnout is a thing that you must also keep an eye on yourself for. take it steady and move at your own pace. if you feel she is rushing you then stop her, you are afterall the Dom

Thanks again for the advice. I'm mainly doing this research to better myself, I always say my main hobby is knowledge (sounds stupid when I say it) but I love learning and if something can improve me as a person or my knowledge on any given subject I'm happy and enjoy it.

I want to learn how to better understand and take care of her and part of my research will be solely for that reason, however most of it will be for me because I want to learn which I guess will be good for both of us anyway.

23 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

few things that might help you continue is the BDSM test 

Evie Lupine - Youtube channel

Master Arcane's Crow Academy 

The Dominant Soul 

the above were helpful to me when i first joined, as a submissive i have a very different path to you but knowledge is knowledge and it didnt much matter to me where it came from. 

Thanks for these, I've read a lot of dominant soul but didn't know about any of the others so I'll dig into them in my spare time.

Once again thanks for your time and advice, I appreciate it.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Deleted Member
External links removed from requote

[Deleted Member]

Hey @BeardedSi thanks for taking the time out of your day to reply.

Also nice to meet a semi local member and thanks for the brief chat yesterday.

22 hours ago, BeardedSi said:

I would like to re-itterate a lot of what has already been said. Knowing yourself as well as knowing your sub is one of the most important things. Being able to communicate openly and honestly without *** of reprisal or condemnation is something that may be difficult for some at the start. the more you do it the more it helps to build the trust between you both. Social conditioning can make it difficult to break through those barriers but with patients and support I'm sure you will

Thanks for the advice, yeah I've opened up a separate line for communication now disconnected from our main chats, both can say anything in there freely, separate from our dynamic so hopefully that will help us in the beginning.

I suppose with time we'll be able to read eachother and know or sense when something is going on or needs discussing.

But for now we're just taking it slower and have agreed to be as open as possible.

22 hours ago, BeardedSi said:

agree with the task suggestions that have been given to you to get her to open up about what and how she sees the dynamic as being and becoming.

I would also suggest that you actually complete the same thing from your own perspective. She doesn't have to know about it but it will help you to see where you align and where you may not as well as help you to understand yourself better

Thanks again it's nice to know that a lot of the people helping agree.

We've just started to do this, just a simple one right now. Sexual preferences because it's the one thing we are both really comfortable and open about all the time.

Yeah I'll definitely be doing them myself from my side too so we can both see what could be potential deal breakers or what we both really have in common.

22 hours ago, BeardedSi said:

As a Dom you take on many roles for your submissive and you have to be willing to take on the responsibility as such. It's not as simple and just telling her to do something and expecting her to do it. (Don't worry... Sometimes it is 🤣) A great thing that I heard once was that as a Dominant one of our responsibilities is to always be working towards bettering our submissives as well ourselves. Any D-type that thinks they have mastered everything is living in ignorance. There is a Japanese term called Keizen it means continuous improvement. It's accepting that we will never be perfect but there are always things we can improve upon. Even if they are small things they better the whole. I apply this philosophy to D/s

Thanks for the advice and the Japanese reference, I'd never heard of it before.

I'm already a lot like that anyway so that's going to be easy for me even though the steps might be hard.

I've only scratched the surface but it's been eye opening and interesting.

The only problem I'm facing right now is the sheer amount of different things I can look into. Everything branches off to more things.

Do you have any suggestions on where to focus most of my early effort because I'll search one thing then be pulled deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole miles away from where I started.

22 hours ago, BeardedSi said:

All in all educate yourself and your submissive. Build upon a strong foundation and don't be afraid of making mistakes. We are all human. We all make them. It's how we learn from them that is important

Thanks again for the advice, hopefully we're now a little more open and learning about eachother it will be a bit easier for us to both grow into our roles.

I appreciate the advice and your help, thanks again.

[Leisa]

You’ve gotten so much great advice on here. Please just remember to be kind, courteous, and respectful to not just everyone else but especially your submissive. They’re people too.

[Rose4u-4897]

Lots of good advice, I'm going one step farther. Meet in person to ensure this a) is a woman, b) of legal consensual age, c) that you would be attracted to with clothes on, d) that you have non-sexual things in common with e) not attached to uninformed partners

One this criteria is met then & only then, start investing the hard work. Also look up topping from the bottom...if you become everything she says she wants  It can get you dumped. 

 

Dont play on the first visit. This is about learning the habits needs & issues of a sub

[Rose4u-4897]

On 7/25/2020 at 3:32 AM, InquisitiveDom said:

and ask her to describe the perfect scenario I learn a lot more of not only things we both have in common but also some things that I've previously asked and she's had no answer.

Feels like when she's free with her imagination and not having to dig deep and find a specific answer I learn a lot 

This makes me think an online journal might be a good option . Several of the personal questions posed can be answered here for you to read privately. Also a place for her to go deeper into positive & negative experiences her time "due by Tuesday". Creates request, & deadline but not pressure to unpack deep wounds quickly.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Rose4U said:

Lots of good advice, I'm going one step farther. Meet in person to ensure this a) is a woman, b) of legal consensual age, c) that you would be attracted to with clothes on, d) that you have non-sexual things in common with e) not attached to uninformed partners

One this criteria is met then & only then, start investing the hard work. Also look up topping from the bottom...if you become everything she says she wants  It can get you dumped. 

 

Dont play on the first visit. This is about learning the habits needs & issues of a sub

Thanks for the advice @Rose4U I appreciate you taking the time to help.

We've already met, no play, just a walk and chat around a lake in a country park.

It was great actually, we really clicked and had a laugh. We did have a few cheeky kisses but that's as far as it went.

We've spoken from virtually the beginning of lockdown pretty much daily too so know quite a lot about eachother.

Thanks for the topping from the bottom suggestion I'll have a look into it.

7 hours ago, Rose4U said:

This makes me think an online journal might be a good option . Several of the personal questions posed can be answered here for you to read privately. Also a place for her to go deeper into positive & negative experiences her time "due by Tuesday". Creates request, & deadline but not pressure to unpack deep wounds quickly.

Thanks again for the suggestion, I never though about a deadline.

How would an online journal work, would it be publicly available or is there a place where they could be hidden for just us?

Thanks again, have a great day.