Don't forget you matter to.

[Deleted Member]

Compromise is key but how far do we go?

 

In vanilla any good relationship is built on a few different factors and in many ways kink is not really that different, compromise being one of them, yet we in this community prefer the word negotiation, for me it's basically the same thing. Over the years I have compromised, yet as I've aged my willingness to compromise has grown smaller and smaller. Some would say set in my ways, stubborn, unrealistic even as I search for true happiness as let's face it that's what we all seek, to be happy and maybe share that with another, or three if that's your thing 😊.

 

I think maybe some would also say that as a D it should be the sub who does the bulk of the compromising, as after all it's the wishes of the D that matter but those in the know fully understand this is actually untrue and completely off the mark. What both seek/crave is no more important or less important than what our opposites seek/crave, if you wish to build something solid that is, where both sides of the slash find peace and happiness. Yes, compromise for me in my world is important BUT how far do we go, how much are we willing to change and compromise in the search for our own personal Utopia?

 

I would think this would be a very personal choice and highly dependent on the variables within each individual, their ideology and what type of relationship/dynamic they are in/seek. 

 

Over the course of my stroll around this unusual world a couple of times now I've seen others seeking help, asking basically the same question. Should or even could they fundamentally change their own base nature to maybe try to save a relationship. Should they, or again even could they become something else than what they truly are? 

 

Well maybe you can change/evolve and maybe you may even discover a whole new side to who you are. Maybe it will be a revelation, something that can catch you by surprise, something that can enhance your relationship, solidify who you both are yet as in all things there can be a flipside. A darker side to compromising too much, giving too much of who you truly are away. 

 

It can and does damage the core being you are if you give too much, you must never forget yourself as you search for happiness. Caution must be shown always as you consider how far you are willing to compromise for another and please never lose sight that you matter just as much as they. Yes compromise matters but be careful and think carefully before you tread a path that may not be you as the damage should you do so can be severe and in some cases permanent 😊.

 

Edited September 13, 2020 by Deleted Member
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[Mo****]

@Donnykinkster you have hit the nail square on mate.  With that compromise one should never forget that honesty with self and with partner is paramount, and without it, a solid base for a relationship where BOTH get what they want and desire/need will never be happily achieved.  Negotiation should settle on the standards or kinks/activities that one will be happy with, but this process will need to be revisited regularly to ensure both are still getting what they want and need.  The Dom should never take without giving.

The other thing that should also be kept firmly front and center is that personal growth has to occur, as does growth as a couple.  If either stop that growth process, as an individual or as a couple, then the relationship loses it's shininess and luster, and will eventually wither and die.  Just sometimes, one will outgrow the other, and this too has consequences.  In this case the one that is falling behind might have to release the other to enable them to flourish and bloom, and if this is the case, there should be regret but NEVER bitterness.  We need to remember that life is suppose to be fun and fulfilling, and to hold someone back from achieving that is purely selfish.  It is better to hold on to pleasant memories than a hollow carcass, and stay friends who have shared something special. 

Basically, irrespective of what role you play within the dynamic, the relationship is like a bank account, and it should never just be one side to make the deposits.  And to take from that account anymore than you have ever put in, is stealing from your partner and denying them the opportunity to live life happily and contented.

[Koby]

I think mentally before I engage romantically with another person, I am fully aware of my needs. On further reflection,  its abit like matching up to a job description- you have your essential and desirable needs. 

My essential needs determine compatibility and desirable needs suggests we are a perfect match.

As an examples, location is an essential need as I have gained experience and become self-aware that a long distance relationship would be a logistical nightmare for me.

Kink and Roles do not necessarily make or break a relationship but increase my comfort in a relationship.

I think the overall keys are - self-awareness and feeling confident enough to vocalise your needs during the journey of your relationship.

@Donnykinkster You make a pertinent point, we all matter, no matter our role and if your not being listened to, than you need to find a way to vocalise your thoughts and feelings.

[Ki****]

When I met my husband I thought I'd ticked all the boxes, especially the one where I'd found someone who had as much interest in sex as I did and a healthy sex drive. By the time I realised that I was wrong, we were married with a baby. His sex drive was virtually non-existent for the rest of our . When we did have sex it was on his terms, and anytime I raised the issue I was told that I had unrealistic expectations (I wanted sex twice a month) and was a nymphomaniac who placed too much importance on sex.

I spent years agonising over this because other areas of our relationship were okay and eventually decided that it was better to suppress my sexuality for the sake of our . Things deteriorated to the point where sex was once every three months and even then, only because I ***d the issue (pity sex is something I do not recommend to anyone if you want to maintain your self esteem). I spent hours in counselling, months trying to work out how to fix things but eventually resolved that I would do whatever it took to save my , including giving up any hope of a fulfilling sex life. I cried for weeks but found some semblance of peace by last Oct. Then, in November, I found out he'd been in love with someone else for over a year and trying to sleep with her...

My biggest regret is that I compromised on my needs for as long as I did because I've never been so unhappy. And looking back, it was this unhappiness that truly drove a wedge between us (and drove him into the arms of another woman). I wish I'd been brave enough to be true to my values, and leave a relationship when I realised that it wasn't going to meet them or my needs. Compromise is important, but as you say, there is a cost if you go too far x

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Kinky_kat said:

. I wish I'd been brave enough to be true to my values, and leave a relationship when I realised that it wasn't going to meet them or my needs. 

Thank you for your bravery, sharing with the community and I can assure you that you are far from alone. Yes compromise is important but as we both know there has to be a line.