Initial meets

[Deleted Member]

Hi,
While I'm not necessarily 'new' to kink, I am very new to exploring it outside of relationships that started vanilla. What you recommend is the safest way to meet someone for the first time off this kind of site with potential cnc kinks? After speaking to a woman with a really bad experience, I'm wondering the best way to go about it.

[Adamc90]

I'd say meet first in a public place for sure see how that goes, you need to really trust them first before delving into that. Munches too of course

[Deleted Member]

Social meets in public with a contact on your phone as an out and arrange a check in at a certain time do you can make your excuses if required. Coffee or similar and get to know the person first you should do this for as many times as it takes for you to feel comfortable just the same as any date. And follow your gut it’s rarely wrong. Walk away if at all you feel you need to. If the person is in anyway pushy or not understanding bin them off straight away don’t give in to any type of overbearing behaviour.

[Ni****]

Definitely have a public meeting first, and trust your instincts. Don't rush into anything as you are literally putting your safety in their hands. You need to trust them 100% and know that if you use your agreed safe word / noise / gesture it will be respected immediately. Good luck.

[Deleted Member]

Sorry but are you asking women to answer or everyone? As I am sure it’s very different!

[Deleted Member]

Meet in a public place for the first few meets .have a friend you can check in with regularly .if in any doubt then do walk away trust your gut instinct

[Deleted Member]

Thankyou, appreciate the suggestions...but tbh I meant more AFTER the vanilla meets. First 'kink' meet after the public meets. From a woman's perspective, would you feel more comfortable inviting them to your home? Booking the hotel etc yourself and giving the room number at the very last minute and have a friend staying in the same hotel etc etc...

[Einmann321]

Hi the best thing I think is trust honesty and loyalty if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable then please walk away

[Ni****]

I'd go hotel for a first meeting /play, as the danger of meeting at your home is that they then know where you live, which if things don't go to plan, is not a good idea. Once sure of them, then home play would be an option.

[Deleted Member]

Hmmm tough choice as we are all so different .but if possible maybe a private rroom in a local club/dungeon or play munch is best

[TheBookCollector]

I would be vary wary of inviting someone to your home. The reason is that its your refuge and if sometging goes wrong how are you going to feel every tine you turn the key in the lock and open the door.

There is as someone else points out the fact they then know where you live and that could be detrimental, with stalking being an obvious ones.

Hotels are ok, but i remember the cases of the wolf in sydney and they can be cramped for space as well as paper thin walls. The best option is a local private dungeon or play event, providing you explain to the house DM's what is happening and agreed to so they can keep an eye on you and ensure thing stay aafe.

[Deleted Member]

@TeeJay_98
@Curvykate
@Bounty
@Zash

Would you like to reply as men on here shouldn’t have their say tbh. It’s like the lamb asking to the wolf it’s way home ??

[tu****]

55 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

@TeeJay_98
@Curvykate
@Bounty
@Zash

Would you like to reply as men on here shouldn’t have their say tbh. It’s like the lamb asking to the wolf it’s way home ??

You should grow out of your stereotypes.

[TeeJay_98]

53 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

@TeeJay_98
@Curvykate
@Bounty
@Zash

Would you like to reply as men on here shouldn’t have their say tbh. It’s like the lamb asking to the wolf it’s way home ??

Not much input unfortunately... I can only share with the OP my experience... 

I generally do a few social meets (as many as it takes to become comfortable) sometimes the social meets lead to abit more... Giving me a better incline of them.. And vice versa. 

Sometimes it turns into public play but heyyy... Thats a different topic 😂. 

 

Once comfortable, I have no issues in going to hotels etc, I wouldnt necessarily invite them round my home straight away, perhaps after a few hotel meets. 

 

I wouldn't advise jumping straight into a CNC hotel meet though 🤦🏼‍♀️. Perhaps get to know eachother on a more personal level before you arrange something like that.... 

 

Goodluck,  x

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, tubulski said:

You should grow out of your stereotypes.

Huh?

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, FabSeverus said:

@TeeJay_98
@Curvykate
@Bounty
@Zash

Would you like to reply as men on here shouldn’t have their say tbh. It’s like the lamb asking to the wolf it’s way home ??

I've not had much experience of CNC. But I don't see it as much different to exploring other kinks (restraint, impact) - they develop as you have more trust and understanding. Pushing the boundaries in small steps. It would be a red flag for me if CNC was even discussed other than as a fantasy to start with. If I'd had a negative experience I'd want to go soooo slow. Why not let her tell you when she's ready? Then you will know that's something she genuinely wants and is ready for. There's no rush.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, tubulski said:

You should grow out of your stereotypes.

You should keep it within the op parameters and not being argumentative or getting into personal attack. 
 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

@TeeJay_98
@Curvykate
@Bounty
@Zash

Would you like to reply as men on here shouldn’t have their say tbh. It’s like the lamb asking to the wolf it’s way home ??

Thankyou Fab, I appreciate the female perspective!

[qu****]

Certain kinks should only be explored with someone you know well ( whether as a friend or as a new partner) and also who you totally trust, from my understanding CNC in particular though fine to talk about but to explore it physically total trust is paramount, though is probably obvious but worth reminding some

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, tubulski said:

You should grow out of your stereotypes.

What stereotypes are you presuming he has? I think it's a valid point in relation to the question asked and reasons why tbh.

[Wo****]

CNC takes a lot of trust, communication and care.

Safe words, limits and triggers should be discussed and agreed.

 

As to location... hotels are okay but not terribly soundproof. Your home may be better, and tbh if you're at the stage of embarking on cnc then there should be no worries with sharing where you live.

 

Discuss it, then discuss it again. Cover as many "what ifs" as you can. Any doubts, dont do it.

[Algolagnic]

Whatever happened to never play on the first meeting, meet in a public place where there are parole present, have a safety call in place who knows what the itinerary is and rings you if you are late contacting them, it’s all basic safety and if all goes well then plan your next meeting and if you need to use a hotel I always found when booking a room make sure to ask for a room out of the way as your partner is hard of hearing and needs to turn the tv up quite loud and you don’t want to upset other guests.

[sm****]

I know some new to the scene it can feel like entering the toy shop and they want everything, now.  It's understandable.  

Patients, time, communication and above all trust is paramount.  Asking questions like the OP is def a first step in wanting to learn, especially on issues regarding personal safety.

Several replies have hit the head, always meet in public, vanilla get to know the person in a safe public setting, sometimes over several meetings.

I always advice having a safe call or check in, the person your meeting should accept and understand this need.

I know it's hard finding a person you trust enough to be that safe call, that's why i always advise patience and attending local or easy to travel too regular munches, get to know people and them you.  

I Have used munch's to actually meet newbies for the first time and get them known to other  kinksters, it helps both parties.  The local information network at these events is priceless.  Especially as they will have knowledge of local predators and wanabees who aren't safe to be around, word does get around. 

What i would not rely on is just phone calls and video chats as an alternative, before playing or meeting to play.

Jump in haste, repent at leisure.  Slow and methodical, it does weed out the "just in it for a shag" brigade.

 

[Si****]

I’ve been chatting and playing with one of my subs for nearly a year with the plan to include CNC. It’s not going to happen this year. That’s how long I think "getting to know each other and building trust" takes. That’s just my opinion. I don’t think CNC should be in any play until you have crossed many bridges first. Think of it as some form of foreplay, something to look forward to later instead of rushing in.

I think one of the main things for me is knowing the person outside of kink and play. There has to be that relationship before opening yourself up to things that involve the mind as well as the body. Like I said, that’s just my opinion.

One thing to keep in mind is sites like this enable people to not only find and meet likeminded people but they can also be a great way of asking around about someone on the site. People in the community get known by others. Why not tap into that resource of community knowledge? I know what some may say about “some people like to be private on sites like this” but its not hard to keep your private details safe without hiding away. But just saying “my job stops me being open” doesn’t wash with me. That’s why people have profile names and can use any pic instead of their faces but that doesn’t stop them from chatting to others and going to munches and getting known. I wouldn’t meet someone who has no site footprint.

[Za****]

12 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

@TeeJay_98
@Curvykate
@Bounty
@Zash

Would you like to reply as men on here shouldn’t have their say tbh. It’s like the lamb asking to the wolf it’s way home ??

My experience…. If you already met the person “vanilla” way at least 2/3 times and you discussed common or uncommon interests .. you should already have a vibe about him . Trust is the most important . I wouldn’t go to CNC without even knowing how he would be in a scene …. I would suggest no restraints at the first meeting … make sure you are in a state that if you want you can walk away . Never your house . This is your safe place . I would suggest going gradually , step by step , is no rush  and I am sure that he would understand this if he really wants you

ask yourself a question … can I trust this person with my body and can I trust that he will stop when I ask him to stop … 
 

Better be safe than sorry …