my experience with a Dominant who ended up to be well known for having a bad reputation...

[pomonagirl]

So a few years ago, a Dominant-type messaged me on another BDSM/Fetish site. He lived fairly close and we had some common interests as far as kink and vanilla life, and he expressed that he'd like to meet me. He was looking to get back into the community and wanted to meet me at a munch.

A few months later, we did meet at a munch. It was both our first time attending this particular munch. Honestly, as soon as i met him in the parking lot (he'd asked specifically if we could walk in together) i knew that it wasn't a "love connection". You know how it is---sometimes you just know within a few seconds of being face to face with someone.

i had a great time at the munch---it was only my first, or second time attending one. The Dominant was really quiet, so i didn't feel like i got to know him at all. But, there were plenty of other interesting characters there!

There was one woman (around my age) who was in town on a work assignment. She was very new to the lifestyle and we totally clicked. We chatted most of the night and even got together for a beer a few days after the munch.

When she and i got together, it was great. Let me tell you...if you didn't know already...GIRLS TALK. Especially in Kink circles. So of course she told me that she, and the Dominant who i had met at the munch, had played the night before.

i didn't exactly feel jealous---i mean, i had already ascertained that this was not someone i wanted to play with or pursue romantically. i guess what i mostly felt was a slight alarm bell going off. It was kind of telling...he pursued the woman who was super-brand-new and was just in town for a few days. i get it...she is very beautiful and vivacious...if i was into girls or being a Top i probably woulda pursued her too!! But in a way, i guess to me, it kind of showed a lack of integrity on the Dominant's part.

More slightly louder alarm bells went off as she told me the details of their date and subsequent play session. Some things she liked, some things she did not like. The things she did not like, i could totally see why!! It would have turned me off, too.

So a few months go by and i hear from this Dominant via text usually a few days before the next munch. We both usually attend, but still he never really talks to me much. Which is fine with me, even though it's a small-ish munch there are always some cool and interesting people to talk to.

With his lack of attention towards me, it surprised me when he asked me to go to a Halloween Karaoke Party/Play Party at one of the big Dungeons in LA. And, i guess i surprised myself because i said yes. i had been having some car problems and so a ride to the Dungeon sounded great. i had also never been to this Dungeon and a Halloween themed party sounded like a really fun time to go!!

At the time, i had a general rule that i didn't play the first time i went to a new Dungeon. i was still really new to going to Dungeons and preferred to just kind of soak up the atmosphere and scope the place out the first one or two times i went. So i accepted his invitation but made sure to tell him that i wouldn't be playing. He told me that was fine and he seemed to be more interested in the Karaoke and costume contest anyway.

So the day of the party finally arrived. i met him at his apartment, which looked extremely unorderly (i'm no neat freak myself, but it looked pretty ramshackle). As i sat on his couch and awkwardly tried to make small talk i was already regretting my decision. Before we left for the Dungeon, he had already asked me two more times if i wanted to play. i don't know about you all but i REALLY hate having to repeat myself in this kind of situation. No means No and i am REALLY not a fan of coercive or manipulative tactics.

So we arrive at the Dungeon. It's amazing---the coolest looking Dungeon i have been to (granted, i had just been to two others). They are known for their regular Karaoke parties and it being Halloween themed, the place was pretty packed.

Honestly the only damper on the situation was him. i guess i was hoping that he would be more talkative if it was just he & i...but making small talk was like pulling teeth. i began to feel increasingly ill at ease about the whole thing and regretted accepting a ride from him.

i think we were there about thirty minutes when i saw a friend of mine---a fellow submissive who i had met at a few events. It was great to see her and i felt relieved when i was able to chat with her and her partner before they wandered off to the play rooms.

So after a little while longer of awkwardly sitting next to the Dominant on a couch in the main room, he got up to get a drink, or use the restroom. Now, remember when i mentioned that GIRLS TALK??? He was gone just a few seconds when, goddess bless her, my submissive friend ran up to me and asked me,

"So, how well do you know your date?"

"Oh girl, not well at all, and i am really regretting coming with him!!! i am feeling pretty awkward!!!" The words just pour out of me, it's a relief to get it off my chest.

She quickly informs me that he has been banned from several BDSM and DD/lg groups...including the group that he himself formed. We didn't have much time to talk but basically it was due to less-than-forthcoming behavior involving having multiple sexual partners but lying to each one: "You're the only one I am having (unprotected) sex with!" Lying, manipulating, trying to keep the different women separated. TYPICAL BS!!

He returns and my submissive friend leaves to rejoin her partner. If i was feeling awkward before, now i am just on the side of being freaked out. i'd read too many blogs on BDSM sites about this sort of thing. AND i was just getting my feet wet with attending events...i didn't want MY burgeoning reputation to be tainted by being seen with this person.

It was pretty confusing but i made an excuse to leave him and went out to the smoking patio for a while to get some air. Mostly i was upset at myself for going against my better judgement and accepting a ride from him. He just seemed so...harmless...like a "nice guy" or a beige ***ted wall.

"He is good at seeming nice", my submissive friend had told me just before slipping back into the crowd.

After this occurred i talked to a few more experienced lifestyle friends about it. my main concern was the other submissive ladies that attended the munch. Should i confront him about what i know? Or should i tell the munch organizers? i mean, i've gotten less-than-stellar accounts of his behavior from two different women. But then again, it didn't happen to me directly.

On the advice of a few friends, i did reach out to the female co-host of the munch. She was more than happy to talk with me about it, which was awesome. It was hard to go through the whole tale and at times i did feel like she was judging me. But then again, she should be judging me. i'm sure if you are a munch host or event organizer you get hit with a good amount of drama, or people spreading rumors just to get back at a person, etc.

But, i knew that my telling what i knew about this Dominant did not come from a place of revenge, or jealousy, or wanting to cause problems. i just kept thinking about the other unattached female submissives that attend the munch, and didn't want them to be manipulated, coerced, or lied to by this guy.

The munch organizers did not end up banning him from the munch, which i gotta say, was a bit of a let-down for me. But then again i could see their side of it. None of this actually happened to me. i asked the co-host what sort of course of action i should take, if any. Should i reach out to him and ask him to not attend any more? Should i block him? At this point, he still reached out to me via text message fairly often.

She advised me to not get in touch with him, and if/when he got in touch with me again, to simply tell him that i did not desire any further contact. This way, i wouldn't be the aggressor, and didn't have to give any reasons. i was also unsure about resuming my attendance at the munch, since more than likely he would be there too. But fuck it. He never said more than two words to me at the munch anyway, and i could always sit at the other end of the table.

i had worked hard to start attending the munch and didn't want to give it up.

So fast forward a few weeks and, like clockwork, he texts me again a few days before the next munch. i take the co-hosts' advice and simply tell him to not contact me anymore. He didn't ask any follow up questions and i never heard from him again. As soon as i got to my computer i blocked him online, too.

Of course he didn't stop attending the munch either...it was a bit off-putting to see him there, but i knew it was a possibility and didn't let it bother me. Of course at a munch you can choose who you speak with and sit next too. So other than the nagging feeling of being concerned for the other unattached female submissives...his presence didn't bother me too much.

So yeah. Fast forward another few months and BAM!! Corona Virus came and the munch moved to online. Although i'd check in on the munch group page and keep in touch with a few of the friends i made there, my home life and technical limitations really isn't set up to attend zoom meetings, so i didn't know if he was attending them or not.

OK so fast forward another six months or so. It's been about six months of living with all the strict quarantine/stay at home regulations. And one day i log on to the site to see a message from the male host of the munch.

And guess what...it was to inform me that the Dominant i had formally complained about had FINALLY been banned from the munch!! Shoot. You gotta really be doing the most to get banned from events during fucking quarantine.

i felt a big sense of relief and of course was super curious as to what led to his being banned. i tried to find out why but the host & co-host were vague (as they should be, given their position). Needless to say, the info that i did get, seemed to say, "He was banned for pulling the same type of shit you told us about."

So that means that my worst ***s had come to pass and he did prey on one of the other subs there. It bummed me out but, i felt like i did all that i could do, without being seen as a troublemaker or interloper.

___________________________________________________________

 

This was a very strange experience and one that i have been reluctant to write about here. But i think it's important and here are a few main takeaways.

1. Predators and "bad actors" (meaning, people that pull bad, or shady shit) oftentimes disguise themselves with very bland, very boring, or very "nice" personalities. If they can blend in, they have more opportunities to worm their way in to peoples' lives.

2. GIRLS TALK and it's VERY important that we do!!!

3. Just because a person is (or was) a part of "the community" does not mean they are a good person or good player.

4. Never accept a date or meeting with someone just because you said that you would, or because you feel you owe it to them.

5. Only get into the cars of people that you trust with your life (or at least, with your reputation).

6. Always have an alternate way of getting home "in your back pocket". A friend you can call, uber, a taxi, public transportation.

7. If anything shady happens to you by a Munch member or Dungeon member (or if you hear about their bad reputation from reputable sources)...go to the organizers directly. Be discreet and completely honest. Even if they do not seem to take you as seriously as you would like, or if they don't take the course of action you would like them to, at least the next time someone reports them, they are more likely to take that action. An event host or organizer is not a mind reader and they won't know what the person is up to if no one ever tells them anything.

[Deleted Member]

Unfortunately I think this is very common. I've seen a few men on here so far that are nothing, but bad news. You really need to listen to your gut feelings, you have no idea how lucky you are! I bet if Ted Bundy were alive today, he would be going to bdsm clubs too.

[Carnelian2]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I liked the reference to girls talk in the sense that people should talk and share their experiences.
When you are new to BDSM, an area or even particular events it is always important to be able to discuss with others and share experiences. It is far too easy to be led to believe something is "normal" when it is far from normal. 

[Cu****]

*waves to Pomona*

 

Hun he spunds very insidious and preying on the  naive because the wiser ones understand their instinct. Im glad nothing happened to you in that sense.