The D/s itinerary

[Mz****]

There's a lot of interesting discussions happening across the forums at the moment, as always, one of the things I enjoy are the tangents the responses can go off on..but one subject raised in those comments, caught my eye, across a couple of threads actually, and is one I'd like to discuss more, without derailing the original topic.

Timelines have be raised and I'd love to read of differing perspectives across the board..do you have a formula, or expectations, do you share that timeline with the person your talking to, are you more flexible, or rigid?

For me, I won't be rushed..but I don't really have an agenda either, not one set in stone anyway, I prefer a more organic evolution, but I am very aware of not getting sucked into pseudo dynamics so perhaps keep people at arms length a little longer than most..I'd ideally like to meet face to face at a coffee shop for a chat and to see if there's any fizz within a month of the first approach, sometimes sooner, rarely later..I won't give my number to anyone I haven't met in person who I'm talking to re a dynamic any longer, which I'm constantly told is unreasonable, but time after time it's saved me from a shit storm that blew up from nowhere and the regret its caused when it has been given before said storm.

What are your thoughts, or preferences? Or is it something you haven't even thought about?

 

 

[Deleted Member]

It appears we follow the same path, Mz Jax, as I too will only discuss in general terms the nature of the dynamic I expect/look for until we have had a coffee date and its decided to take it further. If that can't happen, then I politely withdraw from the discussion and wish them well...it is far better to do so. Too many throw out virtual collars and "claim" someone without going through the basics..in my humble opinion an accident waiting to happen...but it seems to have become far more prevalent than "back in the day" yes I know ~yawn~ old timers...but we know shit!

[ey****]

I don't have a rigid timeline.   I don't want another person to feel rushed or pressured.  But sometimes I do get a little worried if some of my 'hands off' approach can be confused with 'disinterest'.  

I'm not sure what the quickest "we should do something" to 'doing something' actually is, but even aside from the pandemic there's been some that have been 6-9 months.  

[so****]

I like to take things slow. Only in very unusual circumstances will I s***d things up. First irl meeting within a month is a good rule of thumb. Only issue I have is people ghosting you without even having the decency to offer an explanation. Especially after a dynamic is already formed & you've grown attached to the person. This recently happened to me. & It hurts so bad. Don't want to be my mistress anymore? Absolutely fine. Just please do it the right way & let a slave go easy. Many dommes/mistresses evidently don't realize how attached their subs get to them. Especially after a good bit of time has passed & everything is going so well. This may not be the right place to make this comment. & I apologise. But I'm hurting. & It helps to write & talk with other people.

[Mz****]

4 minutes ago, sonofthunder777 said:

I like to take things slow. Only in very unusual circumstances will I s***d things up. First irl meeting within a month is a good rule of thumb. Only issue I have is people ghosting you without even having the decency to offer an explanation. Especially after a dynamic is already formed & you've grown attached to the person. This recently happened to me. & It hurts so bad. Don't want to be my mistress anymore? Absolutely fine. Just please do it the right way & let a slave go easy. Many dommes/mistresses evidently don't realize how attached their subs get to them. Especially after a good bit of time has passed & everything is going so well. This may not be the right place to make this comment. & I apologise. But I'm hurting. & It helps to write & talk with other people.

No apologies necessary, talk about what you need to..I'm sorry you're hurting.

Thats what I meant by wanting to avoid pseudo dynamics, its is incredibly easy to feel closer to someone than they perhaps reciprocate and don't communicate, you share so much of yourself.  I was speaking to someone recently, I really thought might be a good match, until after a handful of messages wanted me to declare him under consideration and delete my account..when he was corrected, I was of course declared fake.  I'm not saying that's what you've experienced by the way, but there is often an undercurrent of pressure to allow someone to use honorifics for example to make them feel some kind of way when your not at that point themselves, or to set tasks so they can 'prove their worth' (their words not mine), I do try and put the brakes on if I'm concerned someone's getting ahead of themselves but sometimes you don't see it coming..especially if you're a newcomer, it's no excuse but perhaps they were overwhelmed and just fled in your case, have you tried to ask them?

[Mz****]

2 hours ago, TheScribe said:

It appears we follow the same path, Mz Jax, as I too will only discuss in general terms the nature of the dynamic I expect/look for until we have had a coffee date and its decided to take it further. If that can't happen, then I politely withdraw from the discussion and wish them well...it is far better to do so. Too many throw out virtual collars and "claim" someone without going through the basics..in my humble opinion an accident waiting to happen...but it seems to have become far more prevalent than "back in the day" yes I know ~yawn~ old timers...but we know shit!

General terms is my preference, but I've been guilty more than once of forgetting to add a hypothetically at the start or end of a sentence when I've been enjoyinga conversation, and before you even realise you missed it out it's pounced on as your agreement to move forward..it can be hard work putting things back on keel!

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I don't have a rigid timeline.   I don't want another person to feel rushed or pressured.  But sometimes I do get a little worried if some of my 'hands off' approach can be confused with 'disinterest'.  

I'm not sure what the quickest "we should do something" to 'doing something' actually is, but even aside from the pandemic there's been some that have been 6-9 months.  

Yeah, that "disinterest" things a bugger, don't want to be pushy or a nuisance, but don't want to fade into oblivion either..you do seem to manage that better than most.

[Mo****]

When I started talking to my D he was (and still is) keen not to rush things, although he did suggest we meet after a couple of weeks talking to see if there was a spark. There were several "vanilla" meet ups before anything happened and getting to know each other beyond kink. That's never been how I did things previously, I'm more of a jump in and land badly type! But I have to say I have been much happier with how we did things and how we have let things develop as we get to know each other.

[ey****]

30 minutes ago, MzJax said:

Yeah, that "disinterest" things a bugger, don't want to be pushy or a nuisance, but don't want to fade into oblivion either..you do seem to manage that better than most.

I'm not always sure I do, but, I think... it's easier to see my "we first chatted x months ago and now we're finally here" stories than the ones that drifted by.  I did joke recently "I emailed someone and she said she was interested and would get back to me properly later - how long should I leave it before chasing as it's been a year" 

[Mz****]

22 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I'm not always sure I do, but, I think... it's easier to see my "we first chatted x months ago and now we're finally here" stories than the ones that drifted by.  I did joke recently "I emailed someone and she said she was interested and would get back to me properly later - how long should I leave it before chasing as it's been a year" 

I've a persistent admirer on FL, he's always very respectful, he's been approaching me for 5 years now, he's just turned 23 you can probably see why I've declined his initial attempt.

 He writes me once a year, with an update on his journeys of self discovery, his progress in self discipline and any other insights he's picked up in the year..this year was different, year 6 and he sent an apology, for not respecting boundaries I'd set when he first messaged, I've never replied to any of his messages bar the first in which I got on my soapbox and giving him a talking to.. until this year. We're meeting on a strictly platonic level for a chat/ him picking my brain when it's safe for me to venture out again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is its been a hell of a year, you may have slipped her mind. If she expressed interest a follow up wouldn't be out of order, a casual 'saw x and it/they reminded me of our conversation about y so let me know if its something you'd like to revisit again' type thing can't hurt anything.

Edited August 29, 2021 by MzJax
Typo

[ey****]

I think actually, in context - that one really would be a "hey, we previously spoke about doing something - still want to?" but there's others I'm sure have slid over the years.  There is someone who I know spoke of doing lots of filming together and I know she has done lots of filming but not with me - and one day I know we will have a conversation but I'm curious as of whether it was just the way things played out, or if there was an assumption I wouldn't be interested, or... I dunno... (I did speak to her this week and she's fully booked for filming for the foreseeable - but we're going to try to catch up in some capacity before the end of the year) 

[so****]

I have a policy of not getting attached to anyone for any reason. & This just proves I am right in this regard. What do I do with my collar? She collared me about 4 months ago. Everything was going so well. No arguments, no misunderstandings, clear, direct communication... I just can't understand. & It hurts to try. People are just mean. Inconsiderate. There's no other explanation. We had an agreement that when the time came, we would part ways like adults, in civilized proper form. She only lives 20 min away from me & I'm tempted to go visit her, but that would just cause more issues I feel. This just goes to show that contracts mean nothing. They are just a piece of paper. It could be because of the age difference. I'm 35 & she's 22. I knew she was inexperienced but I never thought she'd do something so heartless as this... I can't even look at my collar. I'm going to burn it. 6 months down the drain with nothing but *** to show for it. Wtf. Just wtf.

[Ar****]

I'm with you on this one, I don't have an agenda or expectations and generally just like to see how and where things go. I come as a friend (because until you've met how can you know whether you'll really have any chemistry or not anyway regardless of what hypotheticals you might have talked about), and if a deeper connection should flourish from that, splendid. Whatever pace you move at though, it is always important that you communicate and understand each other's expectations. 

 

I relate a lot to @eyemblacksheep's comments. I believe it is important not to place pressure on others and so also can be "hands-off" - which can then lead to almost crippling anxiety that somebody I'm extremely interested in may believe I am not, or am only interested casually. After all, if some guys can persist and badger regularly (even if the attention is unwelcome) then isn't it logical to expect that somebody with a genuine interest will make a regular effort? So I just try to be consistent and open... I've no idea whether that does me any favours or not. And I definitely agree with not knowing how long to leave it when somebody says they'll make firmer arrangements later/get back to me, so many have expressed interest and made vague plans (both as friends and for play) in the past and then vanished on me it has made me wonder whether I should have been more persistent.

 

As for phone numbers, particularly after a nasty incident last year with somebody I started talking to here and where I had to get the police involved, it's usually a big no-go to give mine out. There is a small number of good friends I've made through this site who I've exchanged numbers with, but even then it might have only been after talking through another platform for over a year. I expect I would invariably let somebody have my number if it got to a point where I had arranged to meet somebody, but I would do that more to reassure them than for any other reason and I would not expect them to reciprocate by default. I totally understand where you're coming from and don't think that is unreasonable at all. 

[Mz****]

3 hours ago, Morganna said:

When I started talking to my D he was (and still is) keen not to rush things, although he did suggest we meet after a couple of weeks talking to see if there was a spark. There were several "vanilla" meet ups before anything happened and getting to know each other beyond kink. That's never been how I did things previously, I'm more of a jump in and land badly type! But I have to say I have been much happier with how we did things and how we have let things develop as we get to know each other.

I'm glad you found success 😊

It's always wonderful to hear how people connect and thrive. That development you mentioned, especially together, takes time, its a shame when people lose out through impatience or a sense of urgency.

Thank you for sharing what works for you.

[Mz****]

13 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I totally understand where you're coming from and don't think that is unreasonable at all

Thank you, when you hear it so often you start doubting yourself.

[Mz****]

41 minutes ago, sonofthunder777 said:

I can't even look at my collar. I'm going to burn it. 6 months down the drain with nothing but *** to show for it. Wtf. Just wtf.

Having a constant physical reminder won't do you any good, ordinarily I'd say post it back to her with a note, but you don't sound like you're on good terms so that could make things worse..so write the note and burn it alongside the collar..get everything out that you want to say, then burn it. 

You're never going to know why, that not knowing is torturous, we've all been there, but she's not the one hurting you now, you are. You need to take back control of yourself, little by little, day by day and try to forgive her, so that you can move on without carrying bitterness and distrust onto your next encounter and letting her poison all your future relationships. 

Edited August 29, 2021 by MzJax
Typo

[Nylon-Nellie]

For me personally sooner rather than later with regards to a timeline for meeting up for a coffee (or several coffee dates) and see where it takes us. It is one thing having a connection online. But for it to work offline, then why wait several months down the line for the initial meet to see if there is a connection? But, people factor in work, finding a suitable date to meet up....more so if they live miles apart, the bigger picture springs to mind. After a connection is made, then for me I would prefer a coffee date by the end of 2 months of messaging. 

There are some interesting replies that have been posted and is alus nice to see other people's perspective and views.

I have so much more to say on this, but I am going through something similar with this discussion. 

[Mz****]

14 minutes ago, Nylon-Nellie said:

For me personally sooner rather than later with regards to a timeline for meeting up for a coffee (or several coffee dates) and see where it takes us. It is one thing having a connection online. But for it to work offline, then why wait several months down the line for the initial meet to see if there is a connection? But, people factor in work, finding a suitable date to meet up....more so if they live miles apart, the bigger picture springs to mind. After a connection is made, then for me I would prefer a coffee date by the end of 2 months of messaging. 

There are some interesting replies that have been posted and is alus nice to see other people's perspective and views.

I have so much more to say on this, but I am going through something similar with this discussion. 

I think the longer you leave it the more risk of disappointment, it's natural to daydream and fantasise, to plan in your head what will be said, the sun will be shining, the person sat opposite will be exactly as you've imagined them, the birds will be singing, your expectations grow, but the longer that goes on it can almost negate the reality, you kinda fantasise the person, when if you'd met earlier likely you'd have been pleasantly surprised, instead you find yourself a little disappointed..and that taints everything else.

Of course there's always exceptions, and tech helps with that, video calls and such like work for many. They make me self conscious though, I much prefer being physically in the same space rather than digitally.

[Nylon-Nellie]

8 minutes ago, MzJax said:

I think the longer you leave it the more risk of disappointment, it's natural to daydream and fantasise, to plan in your head what will be said, the sun will be shining, the person sat opposite will be exactly as you've imagined them, the birds will be singing, your expectations grow, but the longer that goes on it can almost negate the reality, you kinda fantasise the person, when if you'd met earlier likely you'd have been pleasantly surprised, instead you find yourself a little disappointed..and that taints everything else.

Of course there's always exceptions, and tech helps with that, video calls and such like work for many. They make me self conscious though, I much prefer being physically in the same space rather than digitally.

@MzJaxThank you for your reply, it has hit the spot for me has your words. 

I agree with the alternative ways that works well with others, video calls, etc. But for me, this doesn't work nor do phone calls, I get tongue tied and I feel awkward with video calls.

But yes, being physically in the same space as that person is far far better than words on a screen, a video call or a telephone conversation. Having said that, these can be used alongside between meets, etc.