D/s is serious stuff, choose your Dtype wisely

[CopperKnob]

I write as an stype having spent some time reflecting on a recent connection I had with a Dtype, my first. I'd read a lot about the D/s lifestyle, including sub frenzy but maybe nothing that really gave me cause for thought. I truly hadn't realised the fire I'd be playing with

So, for others embarking upon their first D/s experience, here are some things to be aware of so that your experience doesn't amount to the apparent obligatory catastrophic baptism of fire that I now hesr most of us have had

submission has the potential to turn the inexperienced into a crazy person, or at least make you feel like it! It reaches inside you, opens up all of your deepest, oldest wounds and you won't see anything clearly. You'll have an intense rush of connection in a very short space of time. You'll be insane over the Dtype  more so than you ever were with the first love of your life or anyone else.

I can't tell you what the root cause is  maybe the opening up, the honesty, the intimacy, the vulnerability but I will say this, is nothing like a vanilla relationship. It's like a drug and you'll behave like an addict. The more you get, the more you'll crave.

The potential for emotional damage is very real

It's for these reasons vetting is important, you need an ethical Dtype who has an aware of their own control, patience and when the stypes consent isn't actually informed consent. You need to know that they truly have your best interests at heart.

But, I don't think its all on the Dtype, us stypes also need to be held to account. Its our personal responsibility to monitor our own level of emotional attachment and behaviour. We may be the stype, but we need to be an equal partner in creating the whole D/s relationship
- learn how to communicate effectively
- learn how to advocate for yourself
- learn where your own boundaries are
AND put all of that into action

[ge****]

Wise words - I think it's very easy to dive headlong into things and get totally consumed by them - particularly these days where many relationships are forged on-line and perceptions (often false) can be built of another not only in a D/s scenario, but otherwise too.

Sometimes taking that step back and pause for thought is entirely necessary, on the part of *both* people concerned.

To your "learn" list I'd add learn as much about the lifestyle as you possibly can before getting involved - too often you see people who try to run before they can walk get caught up in it and blindly following the words of another and that in itself is a dangerous path too.

[ey****]

sub frenzy really, really, catches you be surprise - particularly the first time

it's like anything is possible and this other person understands you in ways you didn't understand yourself!

But, it's not always true - and not even them - it's just the rush of endorphins and adrenaline and feelings

a lot of subs make bad choices during sub frenzy - it's really important to stay grounded and also for any Dominant to try to recognise this and no let things get out of hand.   

[Deleted Member]

Nice post CopperKnob. As you said, sub frenzy isn't new but it's often taken lightly, until it's too late. For some, it's a steep learning curve, for others it can be an incredibly dangerous situation to find themselves in.
I think it's easy to assume the control the D has over you also means them having absolute control over themselves but that's sadly, nearly never the case. Even the most experienced and skilled Ds will agree. (Or perhaps should?)
We are all human, after all, and bound by all the flaws and imperfections that come with it. Living out our fantasied is often like a mask that covers these cracks up. A stage show if you like.
Even the most enigmatic, charming and experianced of Doms will have honed his or her 'outward-game' long before looking inwards to make sure their own checks and balances are in order too. Markers you'd normally think are valid like experiance, skill and ability to exert control are just invalid in these moments.
As you pointed out, traits like humility, honesty about our flaws and weaknesses, our reputations to others in our communities and showing 'the rest' of who we are are far better ways of weighing this up. For a lot of Stypes, particularly newer or less experianced ones this is often seen as a weakness and detracting from the fantasy they are seeking, especially online.
Just like Sub frenzy, doms suffer the same rush-in urges with their own dom-frenzy.
Even after many failed encounters, those who don't take the time to reflect on their methods of choosing a partner or take the time to spot frenzy in themselves will stay in this cycle perpetually.
Of course, even then there are individuals who will exploit this for their own gains too.

[TheBookCollector]

One way ive found to counter the frenzy is to take a 24-48 hour timeout after a first 'vanilla' meeting and have zero communication with each other during that time.

Its about having space to think and take a step back, and collect thoughts and cool the ***. If its meant to be it will be.

At the end of the timeout, we chat and either decide whether to continue or not, if we both want to continue thats when the formal consideration process starts.

[CopperKnob]

48 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

One way ive found to counter the frenzy is to take a 24-48 hour timeout after a first 'vanilla' meeting and have zero communication with each other during that time.

Its about having space to think and take a step back, and collect thoughts and cool the ***. If its meant to be it will be.

At the end of the timeout, we chat and either decide whether to continue or not, if we both want to continue thats when the formal consideration process starts.

I took 6 weeks 😉

[TheBookCollector]

20 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I took 6 weeks 😉

😁 in the end its what works for you, for me 24-48 hours is usually long enough, if some said they wanted longer i wouldnt be against it, and just have casual chats with them.

[Deleted Member]

I think it’s import that any S type has an understanding of what they want/need to get out of this dynamic as the two are completely different.

They should have done enough research before pursing this venture and be familiar with the four pillars, good safe practices and the BDSM Acid Test is a good one when looking for a potential D type 

No one likes a pushy person and establishing a good rapport is essential, there’s no set amount of ‘Vanilla’ meets before a play session with a planned scene in mind.

They should be free to ask anything they wish and all honourifics are not I use until an agreement has been negotiated and both parties are satisfied.