Je**** Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 Okay so... I was catching up on the latest "Munch" notes from a previous munch that just went up on the topic of "Wannabes". It was great, very informative, but also very scary to read some people fall into those kind of games or 'wrong hands'. But it got me thinking... Am I Dominant or Submissive? For me the answer is simply "No." I enjoy 'switching'. But I do not think that it makes me one or the other, or both. I enjoy 'acting out' those roles with a partner in safety and comfort, but neither of those labels define what I *am*. I am just Me, enjoying exploring and experimenting... Spicing up my sex life, role play as such and just having fun with someone close to me. I did not join this site to become either submissive nor dominant, although I enjoy learning about each of the roles and practising them. I joined for me. To see what else the world had to offer. To learn about, respect and observe the world of kink and find my fetishes (partly to realise I'm not weird... or alone in being weird lol) and I take it very seriously and have the utmost respect for the people I've met here. It kind of dawned on me that when people generally join this site they are forming some illusion of "having" to choose a role, learn and portray it. That the 'purpose' of this place (for a lot of newer members especially), is to call themselves one of these things or to even get into a dynamic labelled as a "D/s", but that is not at all true. This is a place for Fetishes and Kinks alike to be discussed and sought, trialled and learned about... even discovered. To find like-minded people to explore the lifestyle with. It is not soley to become "Dominant or submissive" but it is also a fantastic place for those who ARE Dominant or Submissive to be. A lot of dominance and submission involves kink and fetishes so I can see the correlation 100%. It had made me realise I do not want a "D/s dynamic", but instead want to meet like people who can switch it up and have fun, not assuming a role off me or try to assert one over me either. I want an emotional and physical connection with someone / people and just learn about the lifestyle and insert aspects of it into the bedroom and where appropriate, every day life. It has helped me learn about my desires in the bedroom, what turns me on, the clothes I wish to wear and make me feel good as well as expanding my knowledge on the different types of play and lives people lead. It's been fascinating. It's been educational. It's been scary. It's been exciting. But most of all it has been my way of life for the last 18 months and it is helping me make some amazing friends along the way. So I guess the point of this is : If you are joining here, or have been around a while, please don't assume you need to ascertain a 'title' over yourself. Not everyone in this lifestyle wants to be submissive, not everyone wants to be dominant. Not every one wants to be either of those things. And that's okay. And those who do / are submissive or dominant it's ***y incredible you can learn and grow in here and meet people to complete your dynamics. I fully respect you! This is YOUR way of life, with or without a role, so just enjoy it and hopefully the people with false perceptions who join up here automatically assuming they "need" a role (and jump into it), that those ideas can be dissolved and ultimately reduce the number of 'Wannabes'. This leaves the genuine Dominant and submissive types to be open and free without scrutiny or doubting themselves or another. Making this a safer place for everyone and even more enjoyable achieving what we came here for. I hope I have made sense.
Bluerose85 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 Well said. As a new joining it makes complete sense. Tha k you for opening up about it. This site really does open up eyes and if taken seriously can help you learn more about yourself and others. I'm also still learning Bout it and may become a switch as well or neither as I keep learning. Sub roles are usually easier because you don't have control but it can be scary if you don't be real to yourself. Same way as a dominant person too. Hopfully more new comments read this post and can be true to themselves.
Je**** Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Bluerose85 said: Well said. As a new joining it makes complete sense. Tha k you for opening up about it. This site really does open up eyes and if taken seriously can help you learn more about yourself and others. I'm also still learning Bout it and may become a switch as well or neither as I keep learning. Sub roles are usually easier because you don't have control but it can be scary if you don't be real to yourself. Same way as a dominant person too. Hopfully more new comments read this post and can be true to themselves. Someone literally asked me in the Lobby today, "Jen are you dominant or submissive" merely moments after I had written this. It just confirmed what was in my mind that people new here come the "youre one or the other" in the label department. It is a funny assumption that people have, people on here MUST be either a sub or dom. Some are just Kinksters, and ofcourse perverts.
Sparklethorn Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 I guess some people feel that a label makes it easier to behave within certain parameters associated with that label and stick to that rigidly without necessarily exploring the boundaries.
Je**** Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 Just now, Sparklethorn said: I guess some people feel that a label makes it easier to behave within certain parameters associated with that label and stick to that rigidly without necessarily exploring the boundaries. Yes that may be true, BUT it is not limited to Dom or Sub. That is where I can kind of see where the "Wannabe" label and trait is coming from. Some people don't join just to explore or learn or just as 'someone with a fetish'... They seem to think, "Oh I could be bossy!" or "Oh gosh, I haven't a bossy bone in my body." and BAM, there is their reason for choosing either the "submissive or Dominant" label... Instead of just not applying any pressure on themselves right away and seeing where their road leads. This may be why I have personally seen some 18yr old "Daddy Doms" profiles where it also states they are a "virgin and new to this". So what the, why the, did the label need to come into ***?! All I can think of is they simply think they NEED one to justify being on sites such as this. Do you know what I mean? I am very much a "Let's just see and explore the fun first" in regard to labels od D/S. I've no shame in saying I am working on my dominance, I am still learning, same with my Sub side. xxx
Ar**** Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Sparklethorn said: I guess some people feel that a label makes it easier to behave within certain parameters associated with that label and stick to that rigidly without necessarily exploring the boundaries. There are labels which imply that you are exploring, like "Experimentalist". One more thing to keep in mind is that people are always upgrading and updating themselves so learning new things is natural. When people limit themselves it shows that they actually know nothing, are not ready to learn and they are just rushing to "get freaky". That is a major red flag.
Sparklethorn Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 @Arcues I love learning and exploring- there’s so much that I don’t know 🙈
Ar**** Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 3 minutes ago, Sparklethorn said: @Arcues I love learning and exploring- there’s so much that I don’t know 🙈 Everybody starts from some point, don't feel down about it. You just need to read, research and practice which is fun in its own way. Think of it as if you have lots of adventures to have.
Sparklethorn Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 2 minutes ago, Arcues said: Everybody starts from some point, don't feel down about it. You just need to read, research and practice which is fun in its own way. Think of it as if you have lots of adventures to have. Oh I don’t feel down about it- and I think that I need to qualify that my original comment wasn’t referring to myself as needing a label or a set of behaviours by rote. I can see where it may have come across that way though.
Ar**** Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Sparklethorn said: Oh I don’t feel down about it- and I think that I need to qualify that my original comment wasn’t referring to myself as needing a label or a set of behaviours by rote. I can see where it may have come across that way though. Thats good to hear. I hope you have lots of fun exploring.
ey**** Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 There's a lot with kink I think is sometimes simpler than a lot implies. The vast majority of relationships with *some degree* of kink in them are not D/s relationships. And I don't mean that in any form of pretentiousness or gatekeeperness - quite the opposite. People get tied up in things they think they have to try to do in order to be a "good sub" or a "good Dominant" or whether they should strive to be a slave or what-fuckery And that is great if that's what they want to do - but really, is that what makes them happy and is it better to explore what works for them. I think it's sometimes best to avoid sticking a tag on yourself that you might not fully understand - and just focus energies on what works for you.
SexxyMoeFoe Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) This is 100% me. I am not into d/s at all. For inexperienced people, they don't know what that means. They need that label to know how to talk to someone... instead of talking to me like I am a person and going from there they think they need to start from a specific posture. I REALLY hate when sub message me offering services or doms messaging me telling me what to do or to be a good girl. They read 1 thing and extrapolate a whole personality from that. You like rough sex, you must be a sub. It never occurs to them I will *** them back if they *** me... Or, you want a stag? you must be a domme if you tell your guy what to do. Unfortunately some sites don't have a lot of options when choosing a role so you are kind of stuck with what they have. I wish sites would encourage new people (less than a couple years of experience) to start with "Exploring" or "Undecided" while they figure it out. No, you can't be my "daddy" if you are 20. Sorry. No, you aren't a "master" either. What is it that you've mastered? Being able to just select anything without needing experience or credentials is a problem but not something I have a solve for. If 1 more guy tells me he's a dom because he always initiates sex with his gf I am going to scream. Forget about the titles and see if you and the person want/like the same things... have real conversations and figure it out. BUT if the roles are important to you and you truly feel you identify one way or another, then leave the people alone who aren't looking for that thing. Edited November 10, 2021 by SexxyMoeFoe typo
itsVanessa Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 Wow I'm new here, and had to join since I wanted to learn more about this world Quote instead want to meet like people who can switch it up and have fun, not assuming a role off me or try to assert one over me either. I want an emotional and physical connection with someone / people and just learn about the lifestyle and insert aspects of it into the bedroom and where appropriate, every day life. I think that's exactly the way I feel! Wanting to connect and explore
RAMB Posted November 11, 2021 Posted November 11, 2021 That is good to hear thanks for the common sense.
Charms Posted November 11, 2021 Posted November 11, 2021 Great topic jen. It's why I joined here to learn from others an make freinds. You can read all the information in the world. But I also like talking to others who have done things in the kink spectrum. I like to learn from others who have done things.
Puppy6411 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 Very well put. Finding out about your desires needn't give you a label, or put you into a particular box. There is no right or wrong, simply right for you.
Recommended Posts