How to have an online D/s relationship

[PhantomFlogger]

I keep hearing about a lot of subs on here having online Doms, the subs seem really happy and excited by the tasks they are given and enjoy it as far as I am aware.

I've set people tasks to go learn something, or spoken at length about rules and rituals, but other than flirting i cant seem to grasp how it all works as a relationship or a deep connection

My questions are, 

how do you Dom somebody online? 

what is in it for a Dom?

What are Doms doing to make this work?

And what are some tasks that you enjoy?

 

[Curvygirl-3166]

Not this sub.......I loathed it! It means both parties can play at it but it’s not real life. As much as D/s relationships are about the mental connection in my opinion there has to be a physical connection too.

[BigPolly]

I’ve only ever had 1 online D/s relationship. For me it is something I would never enter into again. It was so psychologically challenging & I put myself in situations that were probably stupidly risky in order to follow through with tasks. I became almost obsessed with logging on & the need to please was overwhelming because I didn’t have a facial reaction to the things I did, only written words which in themselves are very powerful. If I disappointed him then I would become extremely anxious. I pride myself on being very strong minded & strong willed & play a lot on instinct. I’ve often put myself in situations where I’ve played with complete strangers but on this occasion I became totally subservient to someone I didn’t know, hadn’t spoken to, had never met, didn’t know where my pictures etc were really going yet I found myself totally wrapped up in him, more so than I ever had to someone in real life. I continued for a couple of months until I woke up one day, said goodbye & deleted his details. I have no idea what he ever got from it all, maybe simply control & easy wank material? But for me it is definitely not something I’d enter into again. Maybe being strong minded was my downfall as online you battle with your own mind in a deeper way (unless subs are just performing simple fly-away-tasks!?!) there is the screen between you so yes you do have a certain amount of protection but that also leaves you open in different way & the dynamic is very very different than it would be face to face

[DominatrixSheba]

Speaking from a professional perspective, I don't offer any online services as it bores me. I personally get nothing from it. I get asked for it a lot though - maybe I should get over myself and give it a go. Personally, my first fet relationship was online and it was amazing - but it ultimately consisted of lots of video chat and mutual masturbation.

[Curvygirl-3166]

Hi BigPolly, 

It was really interesting to read your perspective as I was the complete opposite. Normally I’m very sub but without the physical presence I found myself topping from the bottom and thinking nope don’t want to do that.......so I didn’t! Lol I like a Dom to use his words so I found it unfulfilling and frankly boring. 

[Deleted Member]

I myself have never had an online only D/s relationship, I personally can't see the point. You don't get the same feelings and excitement when you don't fully understand a person, and being behind a screen can/will more often than not make people behave differently. I'm extremely lucky to find somebody I'm building a great relationship who lives close enough to meet up with regularly, even if just for a quick drink. I couldn't imagine trying to do this with never meeting!

[ey****]

everything isn't for everyone.

There are a lot who do online domination for financial - or because they are effectively "playing" with someone they've become friends with.   

But, also, think of it like some of the guys who want to be online Doms - they want someone who will do degrading things for them on camera.   There's a huge market on cam for paid submissive sessions as well as paid Dominance - a friend of mine does very well from it, but she's very much into taboo and *** and so there are guys who, well, get to watch someone play out what they want.

[saphy]

By personal experience, I've had a few long term online relationships/dynamics. Of course, my experience was within the realms of my servitude as slave and my submissiveness. I most likely can't give you the answers you are seeking out, but I can part with a little generic knowledge about maintaining successful online relationships/dynamics.

Online D/'s dynamics is primarily based on mind control (to a degree) it's not all about psychic abilities or even the Derren Brown methods, in fact it's neither of the two. 

As a submissive/slave....the need and will to commit to your servitude, to be pleasing to Him/Her and to be constant in your mannerisms and etiquette is paramount. You also need to have some level of attunement to His/Her needs and desires....for example...(referenced using Dom for talking sake, amend as appropriate)

reminding Him to rehydrate through the day via text/email shows care and attention to the smaller details. 

Keeping a journal that includes explicit details of daily interactions between you both and how you managed to handle the day in His care, lends your D type precious insight into how you 'tick' which enables Him to properly take care of your own needs and the mindset you've trusted to Him. 

To show patience, compassion and empathy to His day to day life and to know what each day holds for Him. To be supportive toward Him and to never be overtly demanding. 

These few insights are free to interpretation because I'm crossing between both slave and sub here, but hopefully you get the jist of what my intentions are.

Online relationships/Dynamics DEMAND more insight, more commitment and more dedication and can be as equally tiring as rewarding than what we take for granted in our RL relationships/dynamics where facial gestures and body language are instinctive measures of O/our communicating.

Online, (albeit besides the mediums of Skype and messenger etc, which I'd highly recommend using in any online situation) has the ability to nurture and expand a prosperous and rewarding Dynamic IF the right measures are in place so that those involved can fulfill their potentials. I don't believe that online dynamics are any less important or 'true' than RL ones. Not in my own personal experience anyway. 

 

I hope this somehow helps and you can find a path/journey that your comfortable with, regardless of whether you can physically reach out and touch the other person or close your eyes and have such a connection that you feel them right at your side. 

Best wishes for the future 😊

Edited January 30, 2019 by saphy

[Jed]

I have had the pleasure of an online dynamic which took me on a  journey 450 miles....I would agree with most of you that the online experience cannot compare in anyway to pure physical contact, but like all good endings there has to be a beginning!!!

So how do you maintain online dynamics, well let's pull this apart a little, yes you may have found you significant other here or through some other medium, and after initial contact and consideration, formed a bond and started your journey together. At some point there will be an exchange maybe of phone details, which allows a more private opportunity thro messaging/video Chat, these moments will afford you both the opportunity to gain common knowledge, but more importantly regular communication as this really is the key to maintaining that special bond YOU have. It's then about momentum, using the insight you have to gain trust and take your journey to a point where an actual meet is possible. Now this won't be the case for everyone, distance can be the true leveller here, but there are ways to help, a simple request of a letter as frequently as you desire, daily tasks with evidential proof, checking in at regular intervals and having the patience and faith to allow for RL, as it's this element that can become a hurdle. RL cannot be avoided, so be patient with one another.

You must have faith and commitment to the journey, but above all take your Time!!!!!!

Jed

 

[E-dUbBs]

I have a mixed online and rl relationship with my sub evey and I think the true key is communication and understanding that it has to be a relationship first and formost in terms of domming online I discussed agreed and set rules with evey comprehensively and still continue to discuss and where deemed necessary amend them she carries out punishments via cam or video and we have a fantastic level of trust,something that it wouldn't be possible to do without any questions you have @phantomflogger feel free to pm me I know we've spoken in chat so feel free to message

[Deleted Member]

I had an online Dom who taught me how to bind my genitals and I'd have to send him pics of my work and my progress. 

[Sir-Dax]

I've had/have many online D/s relationships, and the experience differs with each sub. I always find out what the sub is looking for, and then work around that; some are just looking for sexting, some want to feel they are serving me, others want tasks and right now I have one who would make a perfect irl live-in slave.

There's another class of sub too - those who are interested but are too shy to go to a munch or approach anyone online. I pride myself in being approachable, and I've given quite a few women the confidence to go to real-life meetings armed with real knowledge and questions to ask, and an understanding of what they're walking into.

For me, the benefit is in helping them get what they need out of the experience. With sexting, I've opened up many women's minds to the possibilities out there and inspired them to spice up their real-life encounters. For those who are people pleasers, I encourage them to "look after" me by reminding me to drink, eat, take tablets etc and by giving them tasks (non sexual) which can also help them learn and grow. And for the more confident submissive, I help them explore their personality, their desires, and to go beyond their comfort zone just as I would in real life. Yes, it will often include photos and videos, but I never ask for nudes- I find that they send them to me willingly and unprompted. As with any D/s relationship there is an element of trust; I rarely keep anything sent to me, and I certainly never show anyone else. My reputation would suffer if I did!

So, is it the same as an IRL relationship? If your IRL is purely based on scenes in a playroom, then no. But if it's more than that, then it can be pretty damned close. 

[Deleted Member]

Its a good question.

I agree that for a lot of Doms and subs its a mind game. It is for me to a very large extent. Somehow though the online relationship seems to be missing a feedback loop. Perhaps I need to see what is happening. I'm pretty sure I could sustain an online relationship with a sub I had actually met and formed a bond with. Even in saying that I suspect the interest would fade with time for me. 

Perhaps I should try it out with a video component added so the written word would be supplimented with images.

[Mo****]

I never went the online route and I'm not sure if it would ever be of any interest to me. "Chatroom play" can be fun every now and then but, just my personal opinion, it can only go on for so long before it gets stale.

[Kirstialee-7072]

Online it's to hard to know if someone is serious and even who they claim to be.   I'm not sure what could make a successful relationship with a D/s.  Really not sure if having a Mistress or Master would be good. Online or offline.

 

[Deleted Member]

Let's be honest. Anything online is simply imaginary. You can attribute whatever you like to it and that's yours. It's a personal choice. But.. it's simply text on a screen. You have the capacity to if you choose, accept it as an actuality.. but if the other doesn't, it's simply vapid and devoid of anything other than that which you attribute it. I've met a couple of people from here. Online they're perfect. I know because they post numerous pictures that they're pretty much immune to criticism and yet... their off line behaviour is utterly abhorrent, costing hundreds of pounds to the person who has believed the online persona. Until you actually properly encounter someone... and find out what they are.. it's all just a perception built within your psyche based on what you're hoping for.

[E-dUbBs]

Wow @ wisey1974 did you actually read any of the comments My relationship is certainly not imaginary Heard of video calls etc I say no more

[MattyNarcy]

Video calls can be faked @E-dUbBs. There is a group called Terres des Hommes who uses a computer model of a 10-year-old Filipino girl to catch and identify the world's pedophiles.  If the good guys like Terres des Hommes can fool people with a CGI model, the bad guys can use CGI to scam people online.

[ey****]

I think other than the fact that E-dUBBs has mentioned his relationship is a mix of rl and online - I think it's safe to know the person isn't fake.

The CGI approach - it can be a lot of work for minimal reward - and there's a lot of limitations to it for online kink play.  Not to discredit that yes, it is a *thing* but that the rouse is harder - in terms of actual scams there are many simpler ones for better reward.

 

The text on screen thing is quite interesting and..... you know, yearsssss ago I was swapping messages with someone and then a while later thought... they could have been anyone... I could have been anyone... but if the fantasy idea fit us both then, in some ways.... does it matter.

I mean, if you think about it - there's a lot in life that is between the lines of fantasy and reality - take the popularity of porn when so much of that is set up........ 

[ey****]

I feel

Online play is a hot potato for discussion.  I think it's important to be careful because... it is important to stay safe and help others stay safe - but also there are many people whom enjoy it or for whom it's their only option/avenue.   So, it's also important to try not to kinda shame or look down on others who indulge in it.

I would say I don't really - but then, also, my Mistress sets me tasks and does little games online with me - and this is supplementary to our relationship (I've just spent 2 days with Her, so She is definitely real)

[PhantomFlogger]

This is all helpful to read, and i feel we all agree face to face beats face to screen, but i really want to enjoy the latter and struggle to keep it going longer than a week before ive done everything that interests me task wise, and it just becomes a pen pal with mutual masturbation.

I ask them what they want out of it and all im getting is TRAIN ME or tell me what you wanna do to me.. im happy to teach but i cant mentor and Dom someone at the same time

[Jbird37]

This works for me as it is an introduction and it seems ok I can’t wau to what’s comes of it