Where Are They?

[Deleted Member]

I see so many profiles that state they are "Looking For Their One" or "Waiting For That Special Person" that it strikes me there are an awful lot of people in here simply treading water. Much as I hate to bring a downer to the party, but statistically you will never find them...you know that, right? We consciously set a bar that others must attain to qualify as "The One", yet have we ever thought that maybe "The One" doesn't much feel like doing that. They may not want to jump through our hoops, or "pass a test" that we have created as a form of trial by preconditions? Then what?

Could it be that "The One" we are waiting for doesn't know we exist yet, and the path that brings them into our sphere hasn't been created? They are on their own journey, and the experiences they have encountered will preclude them of even attempting to talk with us because of the barriers we create? In our arrogance we "believe" that if they are "The One" then they will do it, and never stop to ask ourselves WHY they should?

What if "The One" already knows us, has spoken with us, and weighed up the pro's and con's of what you are asking and decided that its too much trouble? Does that make them not worthy, or is it our own shortcomings that makes US not worthy of them? They could even be someone we had a relationship with in the past, yet at that moment in time we were not compatible to the extent we both needed. The stars were not aligned etc etc. We needed to go out into the world and learn more to be able to appreciate them.

Given the randomness of Fate, and the vagaries of human emotions, when we decide we will "Wait For The One" are we not saying to ourselves, and the rest of the world, that we are not ready to find them?

Don't create barriers, create avenues of communication. Don't have expectations, listen to what others bring to the table. Knock down the ivory tower, and build a speakeasy in its place. You will have far more fun, and who knows, "The One" may just walk through the door.

Be well A/all

Scribe x

[Li****]

Yes there usually isn’t just one person, but if everyone keeps an open mind to find a partner with similar interests. That’s how it should be, there’s always more then one person in the world for each person.

[Robhynne]

I love this ❤️ it makes so much sense. X

[CopperKnob]

If all that is true then that person wasn't truly The One.
I firmly believe that there is someone for everyone. I'm more than happy to wait. I won't setlle for the sake of having someone/anyone. I'm more than content/happy with my lot. The One is the sprinkles on the icecream

[ge****]

Is this just a longwinded way of saying "Give me a chance and respond to my messages?" because that's how it reads to an extent.
.
When people say they are waiting for "The One" I don't think they literally mean the soul mate that will lead them off skipping into the sunset - more the "right" one for them, that meets what they are looking for and who they find a connection and chemistry with as opposed to a potentially non-existence single entity.
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Whilst my profile doesn't say anything about finding "The One" it does talk about most of what I have mentioned above.
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I guess it comes down to whether you see finding someone you are compatible with and have a connection and chemistry with as "jumping through hoops", I certainly don't.

[Deleted Member]

Just now, gemini_man said:

Is this just a longwinded way of saying "Give me a chance and respond to my messages?" because that's how it reads to an extent.
.
When people say they are waiting for "The One" I don't think they literally mean the soul mate that will lead them off skipping into the sunset - more the "right" one for them, that meets what they are looking for and who they find a connection and chemistry with as opposed to a potentially non-existence single entity.
.
Whilst my profile doesn't say anything about finding "The One" it does talk about most of what I have mentioned above.
.
I guess it comes down to whether you see finding someone you are compatible with and have a connection and chemistry with as "jumping through hoops", I certainly don't.

Absolutely not..it is a discussion piece..nothing personal in the slightest. That is your interpretation, and way off the mark..

[ey****]

there is someone I know personally who comes to mind when talking about 'the one' and classifieds she had posted were simple and to the point

for, 'the one', she basically wanted a long-term committed relationship

of course, she had rules and most of them tied into a reason

for example she had set a high minimum age : simple reason she wouldn't date anyone younger than her son.  If you were below this age, you are not the one - and while this may seem limiting, it was already something she knew would not work for her.

She also, for example, insisted a first meet would be at a munch.  This served two purposes.  One was if the guy no-showed, as sadly did happen, she was at least in a space with friends.  While also secondly she was part of the kink community and this would be something a prospective suitor would have to respect. That she wasn't going to stop attending events for a guy; effectively unwilling to sacrifice friendships and enjoyment.

It was more worthwhile for her to wait, and otherwise enjoy what she was doing - than to swing between relationships that wouldn't work "just in case" - and to be honest, she'd probably tried those and found it didn't work.

 

I think at it's simplest, if you see someone looking for "the one" and you see a bunch of rules and you don't meet them, then you are not "the one" - or see a bunch of criteria and think "she is not worth trying for" maybe that's a good thing. Maybe if more guys stopped to think "is this person worth pursuing" they'd message fewer people and more who were right for them, subsequently increasing their chances of finding a relationship that works for both. 

[un****]

i don’t think the one exists its setting a bar for someone who may not even exist so i rather just find someone i can vibe with and see where it goes from there maybe i get a friend, a LTR or it leads to marriage who knows but its useless to not see where things go

[Deleted Member]

I had some dates with men who are not at all my type and had some really good chemistry. I’m trying to stay open minded. My “the one “ is a long term playmate who is truthful, wants to spend time with me and have amazing sex.

[Ae****]

I dunno, but I think it's just a casual phrase people use in the world of dating. I like to think it's ok to let people use it, and maybe it's quite nice, and romantic, and not always that deep.

[littlemiss37]

wow. my one I was talking to for about 2or 3months and I'm happy xx

[Shilo66]

For myself, I'm not "waiting for the One", I'm actively pursuing her, whoever she may be, and my "one" criteria is deliberately vague enough to encapsulate those who come close. Because, you're never going to find anyone who ticks every box and it's an unrealistic expectation if you think you can. And if you think you can, then you are devoid of cogent, logical thinking capabilities and the concept of the real world. Oh, and will be forever miserable in your forlorn search. And then, there's the small matter of even if you manage to find that mythical, magical, unicorn "one" creature, what guarantee is there that YOU are the "one" for them??? The reason I'm on this site and others like it, is because I'm highly sexed and kinky whereas many women in Vanilla World around my own age of 56, or even near it, are not, due to having been decimated by the onset of menopause. So I'm looking for the survivors who still have one, or those yet to reach that stage. I've had to seek out where the high libido and kinky women hang out, thus and hence, my arrival into Fetish world. I had hoped to find her and be out of here before 100 views of my profile, yet here I still am 500 plus views later! This for me is somewhat embarrassing, because I personally believe that if a person onhere has had a lot of views of their profile and still hasn't been able to find someone, then the fault lies with them, that they've got unrealistic expectations, think too highly of themselves, or, their barriers are set too high, which ever case it is, they need to re evaluate their criteria. I really don't want to be one of those, it reflects very badly on them for the reasons I've stated - from my perspective anyway, others may and will differ.

[littlemiss37]

1 hour ago, Shilo66 said:

For myself, I'm not "waiting for the One", I'm actively pursuing her, whoever she may be, and my "one" criteria is deliberately vague enough to encapsulate those who come close. Because, you're never going to find anyone who ticks every box and it's an unrealistic expectation if you think you can. And if you think you can, then you are devoid of cogent, logical thinking capabilities and the concept of the real world. Oh, and will be forever miserable in your forlorn search. And then, there's the small matter of even if you manage to find that mythical, magical, unicorn "one" creature, what guarantee is there that YOU are the "one" for them??? The reason I'm on this site and others like it, is because I'm highly sexed and kinky whereas many women in Vanilla World around my own age of 56, or even near it, are not, due to having been decimated by the onset of menopause. So I'm looking for the survivors who still have one, or those yet to reach that stage. I've had to seek out where the high libido and kinky women hang out, thus and hence, my arrival into Fetish world. I had hoped to find her and be out of here before 100 views of my profile, yet here I still am 500 plus views later! This for me is somewhat embarrassing, because I personally believe that if a person onhere has had a lot of views of their profile and still hasn't been able to find someone, then the fault lies with them, that they've got unrealistic expectations, think too highly of themselves, or, their barriers are set too high, which ever case it is, they need to re evaluate their criteria. I really don't want to be one of those, it reflects very badly on them for the reasons I've stated - from my perspective anyway, others may and will differ.

whan I was trying to look for the right person for me my expectations I thought was to high but others reminded me that it would b worth it. example I said I would never try switching. with my chastity I feel that is possible and we have grown together. we may b a long way from eachother but it is doable. we whatsapp video call every night and the way I am with chastity I never thought I could b that way with neone again but he has made it possible xx

[ju****]

My "one and only" my "soulmate" passed away. I know now though that they find us when the time is right, not necessarily on our time.

[Hal727]

2 hours ago, justthejuju said:

My "one and only" my "soulmate" passed away. I know now though that they find us when the time is right, not necessarily on our time.

Happened to me as well! Sometimes we don’t know what we have/ had until they are gone.

[TheBookCollector]

For me its about finding the person who is.the best fit both kink and vanilla, as i need to feel connected to that person rather than any old port in the storm just to have fun.

[Puppy6411]

Making the most your life, whilst being open to happening across "The One" is very different to dismissing everything on a quest to find "The One".
 

[Leisa]

Wow. Is this piece written because you’ve been told you’re not their “the one”? As someone who has tried out Mr. Right (now) by compromising and shaving off aspects I was initially looking for, it fails, and if you’re not careful, you get hurt. Afterwards, you begin to ask yourself if maybe the problem was you and you’re the reason for the *** because you placed your trust into someone who wasn’t worthy of it.

I have put my standards back into place and while they are high, they are reasonable but most importantly, they are what I need, not want, to enable me to trust again. If someone isn’t willing to do the work, than I’m unwilling to put myself into a precarious situation whereby I have to first learn to trust myself again before healing can happen. I’d rather be alone than lower my expectations of what I need.

[Ky****]

looking for the one is both problematic and necessary, its fine to set high barriers, but then we modify them as relationships come along, yes I want a man who' rich 6ft plus and well endowed, but when you meet ppl you start modifying a bit, not because you're lowering your standards but because as you get to know ppl you start thinking well I like him/her so maybe I'll change that requirement, the problem is we tend to forget that D/s is a relationship, and relationships need compromise or just you forget what was your requirements when you went looking

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Leisa said:

Wow. Is this piece written because you’ve been told you’re not their “the one”? As someone who has tried out Mr. Right (now) by compromising and shaving off aspects I was initially looking for, it fails, and if you’re not careful, you get hurt. Afterwards, you begin to ask yourself if maybe the problem was you and you’re the reason for the *** because you placed your trust into someone who wasn’t worthy of it.

I have put my standards back into place and while they are high, they are reasonable but most importantly, they are what I need, not want, to enable me to trust again. If someone isn’t willing to do the work, than I’m unwilling to put myself into a precarious situation whereby I have to first learn to trust myself again before healing can happen. I’d rather be alone than lower my expectations of what I need.

If you had read my profile you will see I am not looking to be anyones "One". As explained to another, it is a discussion piece, nothing more. When you filter out the self-advocating/validating comments, and those who simply have an axe to grind, you actually get a good cross-section of views. Thank you for sharing yours.

[Setrion]

On 7/2/2023 at 12:29 PM, ScribeTwo said:

Don't create barriers, create avenues of communication. Don't have expectations, listen to what others bring to the table. Knock down the ivory tower, and build a speakeasy in its place. You will have far more fun, and who knows, "The One" may just walk through the door.

There's a lot of spurious rhetorical questions in the OP which are intentionally hard to pin down in the way a coherent argument would be, so I'm going to pick out this part at the end where there are the few declarative sentences.

Essentially? This is not a one-size-fits-all solution. The "you will have more fun" part might be true for you, but I think it will be true for a minority of people, whether or not they are "looking for the one". If the barriers one sets are reasonable for oneself, they will only increase the amount of fun one has. Going on a date with someone you don't like sucks. That isn't fun, and it is almost always a waste of time. Sure, setting bad barriers will cut you off from good opportunities, but I've tried setting no barriers and that way lies madness. You need to figure out which of your barriers are hard limits and which one are soft limits and which ones are actually unimportant. But once you have your reasons, those hard limits can and should remain hard limits.

Getting into the mindset of "looking for the one" is completely valid, and saying such is a good example of clear communication that you are aiming for a lifetime relationship. This in-and-of-itself communicates a hard limit to your prospective suitors that you're uninterested in anything casual. Many people dislike the process of dating and would rather spend less time doing it, even if this ruins their conversion rate to lasting relationships.

There is a point, buried deep, DEEP inside your message that I do agree with, that socializing without expectations can be a very good way to meet a potential life partner, and can bring you a lot of fruitful "lesser" relationships as well. However, the way you phrase and frame that argument is in the manner of a complete condescending asshole with a veneer of "I'm just asking questions" faux-objectivity, which does make me want to destroy you out of pure spite, if nothing else, so I really regret acknowledging any validity here, no matter how partial. The casual insulting nature of your missive towards those who are "searching for the one" is completely uncalled for, and I would advise you to develop a writing style that relies less on leading questions.

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, Setrion said:

There's a lot of spurious rhetorical questions in the OP which are intentionally hard to pin down in the way a coherent argument would be, so I'm going to pick out this part at the end where there are the few declarative sentences.

Essentially? This is not a one-size-fits-all solution. The "you will have more fun" part might be true for you, but I think it will be true for a minority of people, whether or not they are "looking for the one". If the barriers one sets are reasonable for oneself, they will only increase the amount of fun one has. Going on a date with someone you don't like sucks. That isn't fun, and it is almost always a waste of time. Sure, setting bad barriers will cut you off from good opportunities, but I've tried setting no barriers and that way lies madness. You need to figure out which of your barriers are hard limits and which one are soft limits and which ones are actually unimportant. But once you have your reasons, those hard limits can and should remain hard limits.

Getting into the mindset of "looking for the one" is completely valid, and saying such is a good example of clear communication that you are aiming for a lifetime relationship. This in-and-of-itself communicates a hard limit to your prospective suitors that you're uninterested in anything casual. Many people dislike the process of dating and would rather spend less time doing it, even if this ruins their conversion rate to lasting relationships.

There is a point, buried deep, DEEP inside your message that I do agree with, that socializing without expectations can be a very good way to meet a potential life partner, and can bring you a lot of fruitful "lesser" relationships as well. However, the way you phrase and frame that argument is in the manner of a complete condescending asshole with a veneer of "I'm just asking questions" faux-objectivity, which does make me want to destroy you out of pure spite, if nothing else, so I really regret acknowledging any validity here, no matter how partial. The casual insulting nature of your missive towards those who are "searching for the one" is completely uncalled for, and I would advise you to develop a writing style that relies less on leading questions.

Bless you. Do you feel better now? Has that given you a sense of self-righteous affirmation? You are a name on a screen, a collection of pixels, and the thought of you "destroying" me is so very playground as to be laughable. Thank you for your contribution, you made some very valid points, and I respect your right to have an opinion.

[Setrion]

5 minutes ago, ScribeTwo said:

Bless you. Do you feel better now? Has that given you a sense of self-righteous affirmation? You are a name on a screen, a collection of pixels, and the thought of you "destroying" me is so very playground as to be laughable. Thank you for your contribution, you made some very valid points, and I respect your right to have an opinion.

Frankly, that is a pretty good encapsulation of my opinion on your OP. You're kind of missing the point though: I'm not threatening to destroy you, I'm telling you about the emotional experience that your post evokes. Your post makes people want to disagree with you even if they agree with your points. This is either a questionably ethical application of reverse psychology where you're making points you think are bad to get people to try to refute them, or a self-defeating mode of presentation. Charitably, I'm advising that you take a communications course to learn a less offensive way to present yourself. Uncharitably, I'm telling you to take a therapy course so you can learn to be less casually mean to people. Only you will know if you were intending to be an asshole and therefore which course of action is appropriate.

[Deleted Member]

45 minutes ago, Setrion said:

Frankly, that is a pretty good encapsulation of my opinion on your OP. You're kind of missing the point though: I'm not threatening to destroy you, I'm telling you about the emotional experience that your post evokes. Your post makes people want to disagree with you even if they agree with your points. This is either a questionably ethical application of reverse psychology where you're making points you think are bad to get people to try to refute them, or a self-defeating mode of presentation. Charitably, I'm advising that you take a communications course to learn a less offensive way to present yourself. Uncharitably, I'm telling you to take a therapy course so you can learn to be less casually mean to people. Only you will know if you were intending to be an asshole and therefore which course of action is appropriate.

When you make it personal you lose any moral high ground you thought you were creating..did you not know that. You should thank me, as I demonstrated in my reply true condescention, as opposed to a discussion piece. Given that, you only deserve every ounce of condescension I can muster..if I run out I will pop to the stores and buy more. Are we done now?

[Ae****]

1 hour ago, Setrion said:

There's a lot of spurious rhetorical questions in the OP which are intentionally hard to pin down in the way a coherent argument would be, so I'm going to pick out this part at the end where there are the few declarative sentences.

Essentially? This is not a one-size-fits-all solution. The "you will have more fun" part might be true for you, but I think it will be true for a minority of people, whether or not they are "looking for the one". If the barriers one sets are reasonable for oneself, they will only increase the amount of fun one has. Going on a date with someone you don't like sucks. That isn't fun, and it is almost always a waste of time. Sure, setting bad barriers will cut you off from good opportunities, but I've tried setting no barriers and that way lies madness. You need to figure out which of your barriers are hard limits and which one are soft limits and which ones are actually unimportant. But once you have your reasons, those hard limits can and should remain hard limits.

Getting into the mindset of "looking for the one" is completely valid, and saying such is a good example of clear communication that you are aiming for a lifetime relationship. This in-and-of-itself communicates a hard limit to your prospective suitors that you're uninterested in anything casual. Many people dislike the process of dating and would rather spend less time doing it, even if this ruins their conversion rate to lasting relationships.

There is a point, buried deep, DEEP inside your message that I do agree with, that socializing without expectations can be a very good way to meet a potential life partner, and can bring you a lot of fruitful "lesser" relationships as well. However, the way you phrase and frame that argument is in the manner of a complete condescending asshole with a veneer of "I'm just asking questions" faux-objectivity, which does make me want to destroy you out of pure spite, if nothing else, so I really regret acknowledging any validity here, no matter how partial. The casual insulting nature of your missive towards those who are "searching for the one" is completely uncalled for, and I would advise you to develop a writing style that relies less on leading questions.

Omg the ability to articulate this situation 🤯 this is exactly what I wish I could convey to other frequent posters.