Dominant behaviors in an opener

[Deleted Member]

I would imagine we're all going to have a different answer, but here's my two cents. I won't message first. An opening message from someone I'm going to engage with should *feel* confident. It's hard to explain what that's like - and how it differs from arrogance- but it should be engaging, non pushy and respectful. Ideally an opening convo will flow. I want you to banter with me. It's very clear very quickly when someone is trying to angle the conversation from the get go. Taking your time says quiet confidence and authority to me. Do I expect you to lead the conversation? Yes and no. Do I expect you to try snd establish any dominance? No... but I am going to test with little cheeky comments to see how you react. The kind of Dominant I'm looking for will accept them in good spirit, bit push back at me a little. Establishing a line is different from trying to stamp on me.

[MisstressStorm]

I gave up the let’s be on an equal footing thing quite early on. I’m on this site as a Dominant not my day to day reasonable self. I’m not looking for an equal or a partnership, my dynamic is unequal by nature and if you interact with me don’t go crying that I’m being true to my dominant self ( yes I’m talking to you entitled men). 
it’s a gear change to temper my reactions to whatever a person identifies as and I get it wrong as it’s sometimes like swimming up a waterfall. I acknowledge it is different for the Doms on this site ⛈

[As****]

I am one that likes to get to know the person before the sex...so respect and manners are a must

[Th****]

2 hours ago, Nylon-Nellie said:

From my own perspective, person first kink second. Get to know the Dom as a person first and see how it goes from there. From past experiences, I now make a point of no kink talk until a connection is made and see how we connect as two people. As for how a Dom comes across in his behaviour online, is a put off for me.....save it for a D/s relationship. 

 

1 hour ago, indyindyindy said:

Kink and potential dynamics must be approached from an equal footing, dominance has no place in the early stages of getting to know someone. It creates an unintended power exchange that means negotiations can’t be had ethically

These two comments pretty much sum up my opinion regardless of anyone's roles. If a D type comes in trying to control things right off that's pretty ick IMO for the ethical reasons stated and it's concerning to me to hear a new s type saying they feel it's a good thing as it's unsafe to assume right off the bat that the other party is at all concerned about your wellbeing and has good intentions. 

I will and have sent a first message before but not often and I'm certainly not here for anyone's wallet. I've also talked to a few men who will not make a first message because they don't want to be mistaken for one of those who have made things more difficult. It would be good to see if more people would put a note about this on their profile to make things easier. I do feel the best route is to be your normal everyday self and start all interactions as just two people as you wold in any social setting. Just as Gemini mentioned "not my Dominant" I don't like the reverse. 

[Ba****]

I wholeheartedly agree with Thalia. I often tout the phrase nobody is a kink dispenser. Similarly, nobody is a kink receptacle. You’re a Dom and you come into my inbox being all alpha macho? Red flag. You’re a human, I’m a human. I’ve not consented to submitting and I’m confident that, if I wandered into your life and dropped to my knees demanding to serve, that would be pretty uncomfortable and unwelcome too. It’s a kinky site for kinky people. That’s not an excuse for being a subhuman

[MisstressStorm]

Amen.

I’m inundated with ‘subs’ desperate to be a sub even if I say no. My choice even if  it offends your male entitlement 🙄⛈

[Aisnota]

I want to establish a connection with a human being first. If we can have a conversation, we can talk about doing other things together. We have to actually like and respect each other to make this work. Need safety, boundaries, a safe word etc etc otherwise I cannot surrender fully.

[kree90]

I just expect them to be who they are. I want to know what I'm in for daily, not just when the mood strikes. I do like dominants to contact me first and initiate. It makes me more comfortable to see how they start conversations, but I'm not opposed to going with a feeling and messaging one.

[Ky****]

my reply is not going to be helpful since it can depend on the mod I'm in, being verbally Dominant is always welcome but being too assuming is rarely welcome, even then it can depend on the person, it also depends on what is on offer and how near they are, someone just down the road who's after a casual toy needs a different approach to one who wants me to travel a distance

verbally a bit abusive in a Dom way but also understanding and not demanding, set out requirements by all means but not in such a way as to forget that I'm not yet your slave

[li****]

Talk to me like I’m a person first if you wanna flirt and be bold and even show your dominance in a humorous way that’s great. DO NOT message me first with something about how you wanna get in my pants I may be a kinky person but I’m a person first. And if you tell me that I need to call you a title (x, y, or z) right of the bat that’s where the conversation ends. Titles need to be earned PERIOD. I’m okay with questions that’s fine it’s to be expected in this app, and yes I do prefer personally if the dom keeps up the convo by asking questions. Cause if you ask me to tell me about myself I’ll go mute but that’s just cause im awkward at first. I don’t know hope that helped 🤷🏽‍♀️.

[Ky****]

4 hours ago, liz7 said:

Talk to me like I’m a person first if you wanna flirt and be bold and even show your dominance in a humorous way that’s great. DO NOT message me first with something about how you wanna get in my pants I may be a kinky person but I’m a person first. And if you tell me that I need to call you a title (x, y, or z) right of the bat that’s where the conversation ends. Titles need to be earned PERIOD. I’m okay with questions that’s fine it’s to be expected in this app, and yes I do prefer personally if the dom keeps up the convo by asking questions. Cause if you ask me to tell me about myself I’ll go mute but that’s just cause im awkward at first. I don’t know hope that helped 🤷🏽‍♀️.

humour is key for me too, think its what I was trying to say, and failed, on first approach a D can be flirtatious Dominant from the off and that's gr8, but ordering me pre first meeting is a no, unless we agre online only and then they need to accept I'm not online that often

 

[Tr****]

Quite honestly, I would welcome a dom to initiate a conversation because it honestly just doesn't happen. In general, regardless of D/s positions, men are usually the first to engage. So it's not really surprising, but at the end of the day it really just comes with the territory. If I was engaged by a dom, I would definitely prefer a more casual approach. Kink is always about trust and chemistry, so nobody should BS or fake anything. Leave the role playing for the dungeon, and ask me what I am looking for. A more complete profile always helps, and in my opinion, if you don't have a profile picture, you're pretty much wasting people's time. I can understand that there are reasons why someone wouldn't, but if your goal is to engage, not having one only hurts you. However, I would love to hear anyone's thoughts or opinions when it comes to how OPEN you would be with your honesty. At what point would you divulge details or fantasies you would like to engage in with a prospective partner you're getting to know? Myself I am not necessarily forthright but have no problems divulging anything given the right question. However, I have found that I am a bit of a rare case in that department lol.

[Ba****]

Absolutely. Any hesitation or hesitant behavior is an instant turn off and makes me question whether or not they are really dominant or just on the app to play around and see what’s out there. It’s also makes them forgettable

[DeviantInside]

I find this a slightly abstract concept. Obviously I’m Dom and this question isn’t aimed at me. But hey for whatever it is worth:

There is a difference between Dominant and demanding/aggressive/overbearing/arrogant/etc.

I am only ever me. Dominance is part of who I am, I don’t need to prove it or try to assert myself. It doesn’t diminish when I have emotions, am quirky, silly, nerdy, geeky, or enjoy life. I don’t need to take myself too seriously. I don’t need to keep up a facade of infallibility. I have my quirks, foibles, peccadilloes, flaws and insecurities. I don’t have to hide these. I don’t have to be loud or aggressive to be heard. I don’t have to grab or seek attention. I am just me.

Is this the right way to be? Yes…but only for me. The right way is different for everyone.

Is this what subs want? Yes… but only those that want it.

Yes subs do message Doms (most of my relationships have come from subs talking to me first, I don’t tend to message people first for a whole heap of reasons). When someone messages me it matters more that we have a connection that trying to Establish or *** a dynamic. In my experience that will happen naturally and you will fall into the roles that work for the two (or more of you). If you try to put on a show or pretence or live up to what you think might be expected it is mostly doomed to failure. You don’t actually know what they other wants or responds to. So in my occasionally humble opinion it is better to be just you. Then you find an actual match rather than a match for something other than you.

As I say this I just my perspective. Feel free to ignore, berate or boggle at it.

[Ta****]

Newer sub here:

I believe the approach makes a huge difference! The small talk like hello, how is your day, and your beautiful can all be placed into the conversation, but i want to know up front exactly what my Dom would expect from me, and what i need from him can be met. Don't waste time. This doesn't mean start making demands to show control, but instead be confident and open.

[An****]

As a Dom, I think it’s natural for me to be in the lead. I’m not too pushy, but I certainly communicate my expectations. So far, that has gotten me nowhere, but I can’t get past the idea that it is what I need to do.

[Le****]

I am super new to this too. I think it depends on the dynamic that you’re looking for. I’m a brat, so I’m likely going to tease and poke pretty quickly, maybe even as my opening contact line, and I want to know pretty quickly if the potential Dom/BT can take it and give it back even better. Otherwise, where is the fun? But I’m also not looking for long-term life partner, so I’m much more in the moment. If someone is reaching to me up front though, don’t just do a “Hi”. Be at least a little interesting. Ask a question or something.

[An****]

Lexi - IRL you should be able to tell pretty quickly whether a potential Dom understands what you’re after or not. Most experienced Doms are used to brats. I, for one, really enjoy playing with a brat. The dynamic is usually, for me anyway, a very playful one. It can be very difficult to convey a lot of the subtlety that goes on between a DOM and sub on a chat. I try to move to a real location, preferably somewhere public for safety reasons, pretty quickly once I’ve established what the submissive wants.  A public dungeon, if one is available, is an ideal location to get to know, potential play partners, and actually try them out. Of course, negotiations beforehand, are imperative, always.

[An****]

Stupid, auto correct, makes me sound, like Captain Kirk, on a BAD DAY! 😘

[Rena-5651]

I'll prefer if they made the first move and if the conversation gets dryish? They put in the same effort I am.🤔there's times ive made the first move but was unsure about the conversation as a total so I rather them make the first move🤔

[Aisnota]

As a sub I live being asked (any) questions about myself, and not being let off the hook if I dodge them... Someone really listening to me and repeating what I've said and asking follow up questions with real intrest is incredibly sexy to me. Subs just want attention!!

[An****]

3 hours ago, Aisnota said:

As a sub I live being asked (any) questions about myself, and not being let off the hook if I dodge them... Someone really listening to me and repeating what I've said and asking follow up questions with real intrest is incredibly sexy to me. Subs just want attention!!

Dodging can be VERY frustrating for the top at times. Be careful with that.

[MisstressStorm]

Agreed - dodging questions maybe playful brattiness ( not my fav thang) or maybe  a red flag - I’d always go for the latter. Curiously I will have some playful banter with a woman but definitely not with a man ( playfulness in a Domme seems to elicit Topping from the bottom type of behaviour).  ⛈

[Ky****]

This is a BDSM dating app, so a bold BDSM opener is not out of line and consent to flirt can be assumed. Only be mindful of the other person, read their bio beforehand, respect their limits and respond accordingly to their reaction. Always open with only one line that requests a follow up from them. Do not double down on someone who's clearly uncomfortable. Do not insist on someone who's not interacting back. And be ready to leave the conversation or to smoothly transition into an out-of-BDSM tone, if it becomes the right thing to do. Most submissive people are not submissive 24/7 or are not always in the mood. And all people deserve a basic form of respect regardless.

[ge****]

24 minutes ago, Kyudd said:

This is a BDSM dating app, so a bold BDSM opener is not out of line and consent to flirt can be assumed. Only be mindful of the other person, read their bio beforehand, respect their limits and respond accordingly to their reaction. Always open with only one line that requests a follow up from them. Do not double down on someone who's clearly uncomfortable. Do not insist on someone who's not interacting back. And be ready to leave the conversation or to smoothly transition into an out-of-BDSM tone, if it becomes the right thing to do. Most submissive people are not submissive 24/7 or are not always in the mood. And all people deserve a basic form of respect regardless.

Agree with everything except your first sentence.
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While for some this may be a "BDSM dating app" for others it's not - so you need to be careful about picking your audience and not assume "consent to flirt" or even be surprised if a "BDSM opener" doesn't meet with anything apart from no reply.
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At the point of initial contact you're not dominant or submissive to the person you are contacting, so why assume a position that you are? They're just another person on an app at that point, so treat them as you would any other person you just met.
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I'd also suggest that more than one line as an opener is usually required, but that's a subjective thing so if it works for you then great, but may not work for/with all.