Problem in open marriage

[De****]

2 hours ago, shymeena said:

As someone else commented here, I’m pretty sure this isn’t related to your open marriage—this is just kind of the truth with dating pools and the percentage of men that seek using apps vs. women. I think it’s also a good reminder that, even if it feels unfair that we’re in higher “demand”, at the end of the day, we’re entitled to make our own choices based on what we’re looking for and nobody is entitled to our bodies. Point blank, no stigma around it, just bodily autonomy. There have been so many messages from men in my inbox who seem to feel like they should have access to me because they “deserve” it—I have the right to choose who I communicate with, and even out of that pool, I simply can’t meet every single person that messages me. Once you learn to accept that, let your wife choose who she wants to meet out of her pool and see where things go from there (and even then, you’re not entitled to the bodies of her partners if they’re not interested in being with you as well). You have the choice to be one of the good guys and respect our choices and boundaries, rather than fall into that incel-like trap of believing that the world is unfair because women don’t flock to you and respond to every message that comes in the way you think they should/wish they would.

Thank you for saying this. We can all choose what we want, and if we aren’t interested it isn’t persecution. It’s just not what we want.

[ci****]

It's funny how everyone thinks that supposed to say a couple of slick words and sweet words and you panties are supposed to fall down around your ankles.lol

[Tr****]

From my perspective, and as some have mentioned,

As a single woman, I do wonder at the amount of cheating (not open) that goes on from this site, and because I would not want it done to me, I don’t want to be apart of it.

I like the idea of going to couples events for you - it speaks to finding like minded people.

[Do****]

I knew a couple who were in an open relationship and the situation could be best described as “He liked women, she liked women, she had better luck.”

[Deleted Member]

Yeahh bro unfortunately you got the short end of the stick!!! Unless she is bisexual in getting women in you Alls sexual dynamic! If she is bisexual, that’s how you will get the situation to work in your Favor….Let me ask , who was the FIRST one to conceptualize this idea of open marriage? You , or Her? Men are so hyper sexual and aggressive. Women have to do very little work, but choose, and if you’re not in the top percent forget about it. Hit me up if you need more tips and insight about women.

[Co****]

2 hours ago, cinderfella said:

It's funny how everyone thinks that supposed to say a couple of slick words and sweet words and you panties are supposed to fall down around your ankles.lol

I never once said anything of this sort. As I told someone else, I've actually seen the dramatic difference in response frequency for her versus me. I'm not some jerk who thinks yall owe me something but yall keep on saying that. I NEVER SAID THAT. at all.

[Co****]

2 hours ago, denver725 said:

Thank you for saying this. We can all choose what we want, and if we aren’t interested it isn’t persecution. It’s just not what we want.

Again, and for like the 4th time, yall assume I "expect" something. And again, I find myself explaining that I do not. I made an observation about frequency, nothing more or less. So each and every one of you ASSUMING things....

[lo****]

I hate to say it, but many many women have had experiences with men who SAY they are in an open relationship, then later find out that the man's other half didn't know it was open. There's a lot of shit people out there, not just men, but yeah. Sadly it's a red flag now when a guy says he's in an open relationship. I mean, literally unless I hear from a guy's lady that yes it IS open and she doesn't mind if he plays with others I'm going to be leery, and *I'M* in a poly relationship myself. I'd not a pleasant experience to think you are playing with/seeing someone who has the consent of their partner to play with/see others then later you are confronted by their partner being angry and insulting/trying to fight you because he cheated and WASN'T actually in an open/poly relationship.

In those instances, our consent was twisted and coerced because we wouldn't have chosen to enable a cheater.

Edited August 10, 2023 by locketheart
correcting a word

[lo****]

1 hour ago, SatanLaughed said:

Again, and for like the 4th time, yall assume I "expect" something. And again, I find myself explaining that I do not. I made an observation about frequency, nothing more or less. So each and every one of you ASSUMING things....

Some of those comments you are getting your dander up about may not be directed at you.

[ey****]

I think if I may a bit

We see this problem a lot and in a lot of cases (and I'm not saying this has happened here) that a guy will bring up opening the relationship to some degree and then struggle or feel slackjawed as his partner is not shy of attention and he is struggling 

And I think some, which ties in to some of the comments above, is down to misplaced expectations or a slightly wrong approach.  

I do feel a little bit that if it's the woman of a couple brings it up that she could perhaps help out a little - not so much wing-womaning (since she is not going to be involved in these extra endeavours) but offering help and advice or even making it known that she knows and is cool with stuff.   

It's potentially not a terrible idea to go perhaps swinging or to fet events together.  Because then people can see she's cool with it.

I do kinda itch away from some of the women-have-it-easier stuff but I guess this also depends on the nature of the open relationship and the suitability of the guys contacting.  Cos, I dunno, it's all well and good having so many guys in the inbox if so many end up no showing, or going nowhere, or actually seem like they're not going to respect any boundaries - or are saying they're up for being a third in a relationship as a means of getting a leg over, or, say they're just after NSA and - my god, the amount of guys who say they want NSA or are happy being an extra relationship that end up actually wanting more time is nuts.

 

 

[Co****]

32 minutes ago, locketheart said:

Some of those comments you are getting your dander up about may not be directed at you.

But the concept of trying to turn my post into a "oh this guy thinks we owe him" or something is ridiculous when I never even hinted at anything close to it, therefore that opinion of what I was saying isn't even relevant

[ge****]

45 minutes ago, SatanLaughed said:

But the concept of trying to turn my post into a "oh this guy thinks we owe him" or something is ridiculous when I never even hinted at anything close to it, therefore that opinion of what I was saying isn't even relevant

I don't think people are to be fair - as ever happens with threads it's to an extent taken a slight fork to the left as points are made and those points are generalised and not necessarily pointed at you personally.

[ge****]

To bring this back to the OP though and provide a perspective from my own personal experience - 7 years ago when I was in a relationship we were on a swingers site initially as a couple but later agreed we could meet others separately on our own.
.
I was initially hesitant for all the reasons you suggest in your OP and that is exactly how it seemed at first when we had single profiles on there - she got lots of attention and I got very little - the difference being the "quality" of the attention we were getting - whilst she would get 50-100 messages a day at times, the overwhelming majority of them were deleted straight away so maybe 3 or 4 got a reply, if that.
.
I on the other hand would get barely any messages but the vast majority of them were worthy of a response.
.
We both used the site for maybe 5 or 6 years, and you know what? I'd say we both met about the same number of people, and I possibly more than her, though the number of "meets" was about the same.
.
But it all comes back to what I said earlier about finding an approach that works, having expectations and attitude set right and a decent profile and pictures to back them up. Along with being able to demonstrate that you are genuinely in an open relationship.

[No****]

I feel that frustration and understand exactly what you mean. After reading some of the previous comments, to which I agree with, I see the pattern of those stating one thing and asking/taking another. My husband and I recently opened our marriage and I have seen how difficult it has been in regard to even having conversation with a potential partner. As *locketheart* wrote, it will help to attending events together and posting photos of the both of you at those events. You are definitely taking a step in the right direction by posting here. 🙂

[De****]

2 hours ago, SatanLaughed said:

But the concept of trying to turn my post into a "oh this guy thinks we owe him" or something is ridiculous when I never even hinted at anything close to it, therefore that opinion of what I was saying isn't even relevant

As mentioned, my comment was not directed at you. There are however some comments on here that are implying it’s a type of “inequality” for women to say no.

[Co****]

37 minutes ago, denver725 said:

As mentioned, my comment was not directed at you. There are however some comments on here that are implying it’s a type of “inequality” for women to say no.

Well, I never intended for it to be about saying no. I am just pointing out and seeking advice regarding the disparity between responses. I never meant to imply someone can't just say no. Of course anyone can say no anytime. I am merely trying to discuss the disparity, nothing more to it than that. Anyone reading more into it than that, well, sorry to break your hopes.

[Co****]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

I don't think people are to be fair - as ever happens with threads it's to an extent taken a slight fork to the left as points are made and those points are generalised and not necessarily pointed at you personally.

I suppose I can see that it did take a left turn when I never steered it that way. Just felt as if those who followed that turn were trying to apply their turn to me inappropriately

[Co****]

Saying no isn't the inequality issue. Just the presumption that a male in an open relationship is automatically a red flag is my qualm.

[Th****]

2 hours ago, SatanLaughed said:

Well, I never intended for it to be about saying no. I am just pointing out and seeking advice regarding the disparity between responses. I never meant to imply someone can't just say no. Of course anyone can say no anytime. I am merely trying to discuss the disparity, nothing more to it than that. Anyone reading more into it than that, well, sorry to break your hopes.

I really don't think anyone was saying that *you* were the one implying that. 

2 hours ago, SatanLaughed said:

I suppose I can see that it did take a left turn when I never steered it that way. Just felt as if those who followed that turn were trying to apply their turn to me inappropriately

This is the nature of making a post in these forums. Even if the OP is asking something specific it will often bring up an opportunity for discussing other relevant issues.

 

It's OK, take a breath. You aren't being accused of anything here. 

[Th****]

Op you've gotten some good input as well as some that's well... a bit of crap really. 

 

As mentioned, shit men lying and saying they're in an open relationship when they aren't and are really just cheating have kinda ruined it for men who are actually in ENM open relationships. My advice to combat this specifically, in addition to the things others have suggested, would be to have her join this site as well and link your accounts as being married. It shows you're fully transparent and she's there to verify that she's aware and on board. Someone mentioned her not being a wing woman as she wouldn't be involved, I'd possibly disagree. I personally would appreciate being able to easily verify everyone involved was on the same page. 

Another person suggested you *do* get your wife involved and the only way for "success" would be to have her involved as well. This is shit advice and a huge part of why many women don't want to be a third. It's bait and switch bullshit. It would also instantly remove hetero women from your pool of options. 

 

What @gemini_manand @eyemblacksheepbrought up about the notion that "women have it easy" or we have this vast array of men to choose from it absolutely true. Yes *technically* there may be 100 men to choose from but most women still have standards and are discerning. Just because there may be numerous options it doesn't mean there are any she'd actually want. A lot of men seem to not realize that we very often choose no one. 

[Th****]

After a quick glance at your profile it's far from the worst I've seen, plus you've only been here a month it looks like. That's unfortunately not much different than having joined today as far as the amount of patience often needed. 

 

Flesh out your profile some more, see if your partner will join as well and link the accounts to show you're on the up and up, participate in the forums and conversations. Reset your expectations to meeting interesting people and having good conversations first. It really helps ease the frustration. 

[De****]

I am bisexual, and I would not get involved with anyone in a poly relationship. It’s not my thing. That does equally for males or females. Maybe there is a stigma with males. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It could also be, as others suggested, a numbers game. Women have more options so they turn more men down. That means more men get turned down than women.

[J91WEB]

This reply is so wholesome I'm here for it! May I suggest as a guy going to more love events to improve your "chances" so to speak? Even if you don't hit it off with anyone it's good to meet like minded people who get the scene

[J91WEB]

Live event's*

[Ha****]

@ThaliaVirago. If you have the option for both solo n couples dates, it does not cut out Hetero women. Everything you said I totally agree with.