Deleted Member Posted August 13, 2023 Posted August 13, 2023 18 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: It depends because you then take something fluid and apply it to something fixed the odds of rolling a (fair) dice and landing on a 6 is a 6, the more times you roll the dice the more likely you are to get a 6, but someone rolling a dice 60 times will get a 6 an average of 10 times, but some will be more, some less. Picking a winning horse from a field of 20 is a 1 in 20 chance - but - you greatly increase the chance of picking a winner if you start studying form, doing research so to speak. But in both of these, you can't entirely control the outcome. Messaging people has no fixed odds on success and also have a big influence on everything from your profile to your approach (to even how many people you've been messaging - as people do talk) so that is something where a lot of numbers go out the window. Didn't see this reply yesterday, and I don't disagree with any of it necessarily. Drawing it back to the OP and the question though, my point was that he could do all that, do all the right things... He might already be doing all that, and still have nowhere near the success his wife gets, because of the differences in experience men and women have on apps. And I feel that's important to acknowledge, because sometimes people will get too hung up on what they might be doing wrong, when the answer is that they aren't, it's just factors outside of their control.
ey**** Posted August 13, 2023 Posted August 13, 2023 3 hours ago, 109thStar said: He might already be doing all that, and still have nowhere near the success his wife gets, because of the differences in experience men and women have on apps. And I feel that's important to acknowledge, because sometimes people will get too hung up on what they might be doing wrong, when the answer is that they aren't, it's just factors outside of their control. I think one of the true lessons in any form of dating is pretty much that, that you can do everything (seemingly) right and not get the results you want. And it's important to accept that. Of course there is always going to be the self doubt and also somebody shouldn't automatically assume they are doing things right - ongoing learning is important. I think there have been some good advice and suggestions on this thread in general The other thing is there is often a kind of weird thing on how people measure success. What does that look like? Because if person (a) is messaging people and not getting replies and person (b) is messaging people and IS getting replies but they don't end up in meets and person (c) is getting meets but play/relationships are not happening then none of them might be getting what they want. Mind, if somewhere in there there is a guy who is fapping off to "what we might do" with a chat with a woman he has no intention of meeting - maybe that's the real successful person here
Ae**** Posted August 13, 2023 Posted August 13, 2023 I don't think there's a stigma . I think it's because the standard of what men will accept for sex is far lower than that of women. You can be a pretty old woman, not very attractive at all, and there will be many men who just want to have sex who will say Yes to you. As a man, if you want to have some action, you really need to have something special going on. Any guy who has a girl, in a way, is pretty special - cuz she could be with many men, but she chose him. On the other hand, maybe he's only with her because she's the only girl he could get to accept him - so he's had to settle. Unless you're a guy who can have his pick of girls - because in that case, you're with her because you chose her. Supply and demand kinda thing. It's not a stigma imho - women have more choice, so they don't need to be with a guy who's already married. They can have sex with a single guy, and that's usually preferred. Meanwhile a guy who hasn't had sex for x number of months will accept sex with a married woman out of desperation - lower standards will exist when people have less options.
Deleted Member Posted August 14, 2023 Posted August 14, 2023 18 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: I think one of the true lessons in any form of dating is pretty much that, that you can do everything (seemingly) right and not get the results you want. And it's important to accept that. Of course there is always going to be the self doubt and also somebody shouldn't automatically assume they are doing things right - ongoing learning is important. I think there have been some good advice and suggestions on this thread in general The other thing is there is often a kind of weird thing on how people measure success. What does that look like? Because if person (a) is messaging people and not getting replies and person (b) is messaging people and IS getting replies but they don't end up in meets and person (c) is getting meets but play/relationships are not happening then none of them might be getting what they want. Mind, if somewhere in there there is a guy who is fapping off to "what we might do" with a chat with a woman he has no intention of meeting - maybe that's the real successful person here It's definitely where apps can be difficult for meeting people when you're of a certain mindset. There's absolute success and relative success. Absolute is when you get what you're looking for, and relative is looking at what you get compared to other people. I've always considered it a success simply having a solid consistent conversation with someone, even if there isn't compatibility there, and anything upwards from that. In OPs case, he's looking at relative success, that his partner can find what she's looking for in these apps and sites, where he can't, but based of absolute success, that he's not getting the interactions he is looking for. And I think that's fine, because a combination of advice to improve absolute success, with reassurance that relative success may be due to factors outside of his control, is a productive approach. If someone can be happy with their absolute success, based on whatever that means to them, then that should be the ideal. Things only get problematic when someone is focused too hard on relative success, ignoring absolute success, they see someone getting so much of whatever it is they want, and measure their success against that without context. I've seen on here for example, profiles talking about having to work their way through hundreds of messages, and some people, sometimes from a place of toxicity or insecurity, compare their success with that, and sometimes it's just what they are looking for, attention or validation or whatever it is.
da**** Posted August 15, 2023 Posted August 15, 2023 Dude it has nothing to do with your relationship. A woman can easily find a sexual mate before the sun goes down. A man? Not so much. I’ve literally had a dozen hookups and one thing I find in common is, it always boils down to ***. To be honest I feel like women have gotten more aggressive if anything. Last year I was at least getting some action because I always made it clear that I don’t mind paying for stuff. But now it’s women are pushing harder to get *** out of men. It’s not even always the sex they’ll try to push selling content on you even if they offer sex as a service. Point being is your wife could announce she’s single tomorrow and it wouldn’t change anything about her sexual prospects. Truth is, when it comes to sex, women can maneuver through a relationship whether it be theirs or someone else’s, with relative ease. They’re sexually fluid beings. The idea of having sex with anyone is more ok with women than men. If you tell women you’re married that means you’re already financially tied to one woman so you’re either low on *** or she controls your ***. Either or isn’t a desired traits
Ti**** Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 My primary is married, and has other girlfriends. The demands on his time and attention can get really rough. There's also some of us that need a genuine connection FIRST. A friendship, not just a hook up. Especially when it comes to sharing kink. Us poly people are out here, looking for like minded people that are FUN to just socialize with, and if that leads to something fantastic... If it doesn't the friendship still has value. I have been avoiding the dating scene for that reason. If I can't be relaxed and have platonic fun with someone... Their expectations are straight to the bedroom... I'm just not turned on by that.
Ha**** Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 Yeah @TikaDragon, unfortunately we got a lot of guys skimming through the ins n outs of the lifestyle n trying to play it like the hook up culture in the vanilla world. They don't see the beauty of the community, just an opportunity. As far as they are concerned, they think it gives them more leadway to be more demanding n call it being dominant n they think the only difference is talking more about using whips n rope to make it sound convincing n they're making it tougher those of us being genuine to be taken serious n not just putting on a show. I'm poly n it can get exhausting trying to deliver a stand out msg that lets them know I'm genuine, honest n upfront n not here for just a one night stand, I want real connections n we have to try n anticipate what the players are probably saying so we don't say those things n get lumped in with them.
Deleted Member Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 I tried being with someone who was in the whole "open marriage". Getting time with him was impossible. I wouldn't do it again.
EO**** Posted August 20, 2023 Posted August 20, 2023 I've been keeping the "Polyam/ENM" tag at the top of my profile for this exact reason. Not that I ever got much for responses even when I was single. One of the ways I hope to dispel the assumption of cheating is by suggesting the first meet-up include any respective partners. It tends to help diffuse some of the social pressure at first meeting too.
Th**** Posted August 20, 2023 Posted August 20, 2023 On 8/14/2023 at 9:56 PM, dantee15 said: Dude it has nothing to do with your relationship. A woman can easily find a sexual mate before the sun goes down. A man? Not so much. I’ve literally had a dozen hookups and one thing I find in common is, it always boils down to ***. To be honest I feel like women have gotten more aggressive if anything. Last year I was at least getting some action because I always made it clear that I don’t mind paying for stuff. But now it’s women are pushing harder to get *** out of men. It’s not even always the sex they’ll try to push selling content on you even if they offer sex as a service. Point being is your wife could announce she’s single tomorrow and it wouldn’t change anything about her sexual prospects. Truth is, when it comes to sex, women can maneuver through a relationship whether it be theirs or someone else’s, with relative ease. They’re sexually fluid beings. The idea of having sex with anyone is more ok with women than men. If you tell women you’re married that means you’re already financially tied to one woman so you’re either low on *** or she controls your ***. Either or isn’t a desired traits Um, ew, no. Maybe try looking to associate with different types of people than the one's you've been spending time with so far. On 8/14/2023 at 9:56 PM, dantee15 said: A woman can easily find a sexual mate before the sun goes down In theory, maybe, if we lowered our standards to any willing warm body. Not so much for those of us who are more discerning than alive and willing.
Th**** Posted August 20, 2023 Posted August 20, 2023 On 8/16/2023 at 11:53 AM, HarleyQuinn2131 said: I tried being with someone who was in the whole "open marriage". Getting time with him was impossible. I wouldn't do it again. Because it didn't suit you doesn't mean those very things wouldn't make it an ideal situation for someone else. Someone who doesn't have time or want for all the extra day to day things but would still like the friendship and the fun. I've known men who I was happy they're also in another relationship because I knew I could only offer so much of myself at the time and I definitely wasn't wanting to take away from what they already had together.
Ch**** Posted August 20, 2023 Posted August 20, 2023 August 13, Aeonova said: I don't think there's a stigma . I think it's because the standard of what men will accept for sex is far lower than that of women. You can be a pretty old woman, not very attractive at all, and there will be many men who just want to have sex who will say Yes to you. As a man, if you want to have some action, you really need to have something special going on. Any guy who has a girl, in a way, is pretty special - cuz she could be with many men, but she chose him. On the other hand, maybe he's only with her because she's the only girl he could get to accept him - so he's had to settle. Unless you're a guy who can have his pick of girls - because in that case, you're with her because you chose her. Supply and demand kinda thing. It's not a stigma imho - women have more choice, so they don't need to be with a guy who's already married. They can have sex with a single guy, and that's usually preferred. Meanwhile a guy who hasn't had sex for x number of months will accept sex with a married woman out of desperation - lower standards will exist when people have less options. Very precise point.. I agree with it..
Ch**** Posted August 20, 2023 Posted August 20, 2023 Tuesday at 01:56 AM, dantee15 said: Dude it has nothing to do with your relationship. A woman can easily find a sexual mate before the sun goes down. A man? Not so much. I’ve literally had a dozen hookups and one thing I find in common is, it always boils down to ***. To be honest I feel like women have gotten more aggressive if anything. Last year I was at least getting some action because I always made it clear that I don’t mind paying for stuff. But now it’s women are pushing harder to get *** out of men. It’s not even always the sex they’ll try to push selling content on you even if they offer sex as a service. Point being is your wife could announce she’s single tomorrow and it wouldn’t change anything about her sexual prospects. Truth is, when it comes to sex, women can maneuver through a relationship whether it be theirs or someone else’s, with relative ease. They’re sexually fluid beings. The idea of having sex with anyone is more ok with women than men. If you tell women you’re married that means you’re already financially tied to one woman so you’re either low on *** or she controls your ***. Either or isn’t a desired traits I see your point.. My gf, an average nice girl, could easily push *** out her sexual encounter if she was so inclined.. She also receive *** offers from people, normal average guys, just to have sex with her or fancy boat invitation, not mentioning that she has an unbearable amount of people texting her all the times.. What we can both see is this enormous unfair disparity when it comes to hookup worsen, for me, by the open relationship thing.. Man and woman have different issues and dynamics that me and my gf are exploring and we’d love to know more about it.. We often talk about it and we think we live in a transition era of great confusion about dating and this kind of stuff: we still have a lot of disparity under many circumstances, plus an ideal deconstruction of man and woman gender roles that it’s happening but very randomly and sadly, often, very partial and benefiting a small portion of population.. I don’t have much hookup experience with other people: the thing that I can say is that all the people that I had some kinks and hookup didn’t want any *** from me, cause that would be an unbearable red flag that in case I would see upfront our encounter.. I don’t know very well this market here in my place but I still have some hope that isn’t going to be as you said.. I know from the hookup podcasts and shows material that I watch that in some place in US instead this is going pretty wild..
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