Difference in dynamic.

[De****]

I have only ever been in vanilla relationships, and have gotten very used to that lovey dovey, simple dynamic. My question is: How does the dynamic chance in a longterm dom/sub relationship? I'm not talking about in the bedroom, I mean the day to day dynamic. It probably differs between couples, so I'm looking for...general advice.

[a_****]

In my experience it’s all based on how you and your partner comunícate I’ve known people who are 100% always dom sub and partners who are only dom sub in the bed room it’s all about communication in every aspect

[Th****]

It can differ wildly and there really is not genereal rule.

Loving BDSM has a yt channel and a podcast, they're a married couple and a lot of what they cover is working in all the every day life things

[Deleted Member]

In my experiance it depends on the boundries my sub and i have set in place and rules weve both agreed on that would make the arrangement fun for all parties involved enjoyable. Ive had dynamics where subs come and go and others where its more of a FWB Dom/Sub behind closed doors and have had a sub who wanted to be in the role 24/7 and controlled strictly. For me the lovey dovey stuff is fine especially when providing after care.
Hope that insight helps

[Jamlpez]

Like you said, it all depends on the couple. For some they want to be in control/not be in control all the time and for others they just want it in the bedroom and then there is a wide spectrum in between those, it just all depends on communication between both parties at all times. It can change, one feels they need to give more control and if they feel that way then they need to tell their partner and not believe their mind can be read. And you should be clear about what you want, don't just drop hints and expect them to know and then get upset at them for not giving you what you want, again as far as I know no one can read minds.

[De****]

First and foremost, having a 24/7 dynamic is not necessary nor even the most common. You can absolutely be vanilla in day to day, but have a D/s dynamic for scenes. If however, you want a 24/7 dynamic it can still exist with plenty of “lovey dovey” stuff. I have a 24/7 dynamic, and I gets lots of cuddles, I love yous, kisses, we both share our day to day, we support each other, we have dates, and have shared interests. I do also have task and expectations. I receive punishment and praise. I do as I’m told. It’s a mix.

[toycaged]

my exp is that normal relationships often have a dominant partner and the other one submits but doesnt get something back- a real Ds relationship makes it transparent and the dom gives caring instead of suppressing. also as the family model changed to equal partners divorce rate went up to over 50 percent after u have kids. taking history family model was always one dominant- so why dont agree on it and get something back, caring 

 

if the contract is u submit but are cared for i feel safer. u get something back instead of just being suppressed and well also more sex

however my first Ds relationship endend because he realised that giving something back isnt his thing. 

but that’s the point - having a clear contract makes it clear if u agree or are just ignored. never ignore the sub needs to be in every Ds contract.

and if its not agreeable well clearly not a good idea. transparency through clear roles

Ds isnt about *** but about a unproblematic non *** relationship 

 

 

Edited October 31, 2023 by toycaged

[ey****]

it does depend on the relationship and also what feels right for you both and what you try to work towards

[MasterDarcy1979]

There's no one size fits all. Every dynamic is different with different variables and shades.

However, in my opinion, a D/s, etc, dynamic has to have a balance of kink and vanilla. It's akin to Yin and Yang.

My preference is 24/7. But even that dynamic has to have a balance.

As a Dominant you can set rules or words or gestures or triggers that let's your sub know when it's time to flick into the switch between vanilla to kink.

Communication is essential when you're establishing parameters and guidelines. Also, youre a team, a submissive should have equal say when it comes to the dynamic. So listen and show respect at all times.

[Deleted Member]

Simple answer: whatever works for you and your partner. There is no set in stone rules for what makes you both happy

[sa****]

Totally agree with everyone here. Also, passion comes in many forms. I have done kink with a loved one that felt like making love, even if it did not look like that from the outside. Kink connections can run DEEP also and also have romantic components, or not.

[Deleted Member]

You have a lot of great advice coming in from these people, listen to all of it. The two things I’ll kinda reiterate and expound upon:
1- Like they’re all saying, open detailed explicit communication is paramount. In any relationship there has to be mutual love, respect, care, and genuine want for what is best for each other. So when bringing in kink/dom/sub anything et al, it has to be built on those same things. Especially early on when y’all are still learning what does and doesn’t work for each of you and figuring out a shared vocabulary to verbalize all of this (even if you’ve already been together in a “vanilla” relationship for decades, this one element is still brand new), never be afraid to stop everything in its tracks to have a serious conversation, and verge on the side of over-explaining and over-sharing… it’s better to over-explain than assume and assume wrong.
2- Acknowledge that every new day is different and your shared kink/dom/sub persuasions will adjust from day to day as well… where the line of what you’re okay with doing today may shift from where it was yesterday (for you and/or for your partner), and that’s okay and that has to be openly communicated with your partner. Keeping quiet for *** of not being able to provide what your partner needs/wants does a disservice to both of you and robs you of your autonomy. Do daily body-scans to check in with yourself and your partner.