Giving orders

[Strange-Candy]

I'm a soft dom with a desire to be much harsher. I have a hard time giving orders and doing what I want to my sub. We have had many conversations about it. We're both from relationships that lacked intimacy so we're both still adjusting to having a sex life again, too. 

 

I have ideas of things to do to my sub but I can't make myself do them. I also have trouble coming onto her sometimes. She really wants me to be more dominate when it's my turn to get off. I don't know how to do that though exactly? Like I don't know what to tell her to do to me, or how to to tell her to do it anyway. 

 

Any advice? 

Were both female, if that makes a difference.  

Edited January 10 by Strange-Candy
Spelling Error

[BacknBoise]

I struggle a bit with it too. Ive found that thinking about it intensely makes me want it more and more. As a result its becoming a lil more comfortable for me. It helpsnthat ive been given the green loght. I don’t know if it helps, but it might.

[he****]

Wish I could be yalls slave

[Au****]

Pet names go a long way, as a sub even if someone tells me what to do regularly, if they throw in a dominant pet name it helps. You can also, instead of speaking, guide your subs hand to where you want to be felt. If they go down on you, don't pull the hair, but grab a good handful of it and gently push them into you. And the most important thing is to Move at a pace both you and your partner are comfy with. If you try to do everything you want all at once you just get confused and anxious. Ease into it, and eventually it will come naturally.

[ma****]

Live in the moment! Enjoy each other! I’m a switch and at first it was very hard for me to be dominant with women but now I love it! I find it very hard to turn it off and let someone else take control!

[Undersated]

As a thought experiment, try to totally objectify her. Do this privately, not with her - do it in your mind. If she were a mindless, compliant sex toy, how would you use her to get off?

This exercise can be difficult for sapiosexual or demisexual doms. You have to like someone, you have to appreciate their intelligence, to get off - and yet I'm asking you to ignore all of that, and to objectify.

For now don't worry about what the objectification will do to her - you have to set aside empathy too. If you need to rationalize it: you can sort out the consequences in aftercare.

Okay, thought experiment done. What did you come up with? Do you think you could put yourself into that headspace again, and just... take her?

Edited January 10 by LARopeTop

[It****]

If a client came to me with this being their situation, I would start by asking questions like:
👉🏾What are you beliefs/memories about being harsh/dominant/coming on to your partner/receiving pleasure?
👉🏾What are your ***s about getting what you want/having more intimacy again?
👉🏾What gets you off about being a Dom?
👉🏾What are your deepest desires when it comes to receiving pleasure/having things done to you?
👉🏾What do you get off when it comes to your partner? Her pleasure, submission, teasing/begging/body? Something else?

[ED****]

Sounds like your dynamic needs intimacy to continue to flourish and grow, start off slow with mild instuction and order with the emphasis on intimacy of sensitive touching, growing to whatever you agree and decide on becoming firmer more powerful for you both, you may be positively surprised that your communication is key and shared goals become more accessible the more you care for and love each other (in any way you both consent to) ! Best of wishes for you both.

[Strange-Candy]

12 minutes ago, LARopeTop said:

As a thought experiment, try to totally objectify her. Do this privately, not with her - do it in your mind. If she were a mindless, compliant sex toy, how would you use her to get off?

This exercise can be difficult for sapiosexual or demisexual doms. You have to like someone, you have to appreciate their intelligence, to get off - and yet I'm asking you to ignore all of that, and to objectify.

For now don't worry about what the objectification will do to her - you have to set aside empathy too. If you need to rationalize it: you can sort out the consequences in aftercare.

Okay, thought experiment done. What did you come up with? Do you think you could put yourself into that headspace again, and just... take her?

I do this a bit time to time. I know she's ok with anything I want. We dabble in cnc sometimes too, but only barely. I can definitely objectify her in my head. When I try to enact those things in person I kinda freeze, or talk myself out of it. Maybe it's a confidence issue? Sometimes I'm scared ill do something she doesn't like and she'll be upset. Though rationally I know she won't, she'll just safe word me if it's too much, but I think past experiences are keeping me back, too.

[A_****]

Being a Domme doesn’t necessarily mean ordering someone to do something to you. You’re taking the powerhouse, the sub, and steering them, so light guidance and basic requests work well.

One suggestion is to watch some BDSM FF porn. It should give you some ideas about what you may want to guide towards. Possibly even worth watching together so you can both negotiate what you like and don’t like.

Another is to start off gently, because getting your foot in the door is the hardest step. Tell her about your wants and needs, such as “it’s been such a hard day, so I could use a back massage”. Once you start getting it rolling you will feel more comfortable. And, it doesn’t necessarily have to involve sex. It can just be connection time from a D/s perspective.

Remember that while you are the D to her s that she is ready and willing to give of herself to you to suit your needs. Her need is being fulfilled in that moment by pleasing you. I know that being self-conscious about their pleasure, and how you’re the one on the receiving end can feel… strange, but by what you wrote you both switch back and forth, so you are both getting your needs met, I would assume.
Sit down together frequently to discuss what works for you and what excites you. It can be really empowering to know that they enjoyed it when you “xyz’d” and you can focus on that next time.

All in all, the only mistake you can make is to break consent. Otherwise, let loose in your playground and find yourself. You have everything you need to try.

[Ro****]

Try writing stories, create a character that you can play...until that character becomes your own?

[Strange-Candy]

4 minutes ago, RochaMocha said:

Try writing stories, create a character that you can play...until that character becomes your own?

That may actually work really well for me, honestly. I never really considered it.

[Undersated]

My default is "soft dom." It's been the right approach for the DD/lg dynamics I've been in. The subs in these relationships feel supported, cherished, taken care of, safe. Here, though, are some things they also say:

• "I really liked it when you stopped thinking about me, and just did what you wanted with me."
• "You're always taking care of me. Can you stop it sometimes, and let me take care of you?"
• "If I invited you into my bedroom, you've already got consent."

None of that is reason to be reckless. It's food for thought, though, that being overly gentle might run counter to your sub's needs. She might not need gentle - she's got that from you in spades already. You want to be harder, she wants you to be harder. Reach down into yourself and be hard. Do it for her.

Another quick story. I was in a relationship with a hard-core masochist. I'm a sadist, but not on a level that matches her masochism. Every toy I bought, every way I tried to hurt her (so good), was twice my comfort zone and half her limit. This was a poly relationship, and she'd see another dom once a month to get brusied and broken down the way she craved. This didn't harm my relationship with her. Poly's not the right answer for everyone. You can still be her domme even if there are specific things she wants, that you can't give.

Edited January 10 by LARopeTop

[Deleted Member]

>...she'd see another dom once a month to be bruised and broken down the way she carved

This exactly. I do not believe that _one_ person can be _everything_ to another. It's why we are social and have relationships and have the capacity to love more than one person at a time.

I get my hardcore needs met elsewhere because my partner is vanilla-spice, and as long as we are both completely open and honest it works.

[Deleted Member]

I've been there when I was younger.
It requires to re-wire your thinking process to naturally do those.
The "best" way is to get there (for me) is :
1. to talk with her about the things she would enjoy. "Unplug" your brain and let her guide you without wondering about if it will hurt her or not - she asks.
2. Have a "practice session" to adjust strenght, intensity and variety of action. You will get the idea of what she like and the next step...
3. Watch some BDSM porn to see other practices. But the MAGIC PART is...
4. Read the comments below the videos. I swear. The BDSM section is full of WOMEN comments stating how much they would love to be "used" or "treated" like in the videos. This will give you confidence, entitlement, and understanding. And new ideas, practices.
5. Practice and adjust
6. See what you like more, take full control and only do the practices you enjoy
7. Repeat 4,5 and 6 in loops bringing novelty
8. Have her thanking you and realize that you actually enjoy it for the practice but for her pleasure

[gi****]

Finding a mentor may also be helpful.  I've mentored others, and having a mentor can be helpful in feeling more confident.  

It sounds like you are exploring ways already to do this, so be gentle with yourself as you explore this side of yourself.  Particularly if it doesn't come naturally to you.  

[Matt4u4305]

Don’t *** roles. If you’re uncomfortable being dominant then don’t be dominant. It’s not something you can fake or learn to be. It’s inherent.
Perhaps over time time with confidence you can become more assertive but dominance isn’t learned behavior

So I think you will get responses from dominants that will go into lengthy suggestions but I have a much simpler solution for you that can also be quite fun and erotic.

Write down all of these things you’d like her to do. Try to be as eloquent and specific as possible. Even dress it up in a sealed envelope and hand it to her. Allow her to read your unfiltered kinky thoughts. Let her digest and picture what you’re asking her to do.

I promise she will be turned on by your words and will try her best to fulfill your requests. Over time you will be able to find your voice. Until then don’t try too hard to do so as it will just feel unnatural and ***d.

[Ki****]

Communication is really important in Ds, but especially in your situation where you are both trying to expand and grow your relationship. I would spend time thinking about what you really want to be able to give your partner and why you have blockage areas. Talk to her in depth about what she wants.

 

There is not just one way to dominate. You want to find the core of the experiences that you both are looking for, not copy someone’s style or something you’ve seen before. Talk about what things excite both of you and why they do so. Then you can adapt those elements to your way of doing things. It will flow naturally and not feel like a foreign language exam you crammed for and then froze when you took it.

[kimutu72]

firstly relax and enjoy each other second communication is important, but for you to communicate you need to know what you enjoy and what you want. being in a same sex relationship is not different from opposite sex relationship apart from the obvious. Think about what you enjoy and ask what your partner is willing to do a command whispered in the ear, a gentle tug of the hair to direct the face, a hand moved to where you want it to go

[Jaguar54]

On 1/10/2024 at 8:54 PM, AuburnTwink69420 said:

You can also, instead of speaking, guide your subs hand to where you want to be felt. If they go down on you, don't pull the hair, but grab a good handful of it and gently push them into you.

I think this is absolutely key to solving your problem. If 'giving orders' doesn't come naturally, 'guiding' in an authoritative way is very powerful, far more powerful than a weak command. Don't say anything at all. When the time is right for play, get her attention and just give her the 'come on' single with you finger. Walk ahead until she is where you want her, then guide her into position. My guess she will be a bit freaked but curiosity should drive her to obey. If not, just say in her ear "trust me", then guide her again. You can do all this with a friendly smile to reassure, but gently insistent with your physical guidance. It is an interesting quirk for anyone to try, the more so if the sub is blindfolded.

[Az****]

Oh I’d talk through this, you would be completely confident in ten mins with me !

[earthyangel]

I have no experience with women to be honest, yet I'm sure what you see as issue is something that many Doms might think between themselves. often people in a way "pretend" to be something for their partners sake. and sometimes people just don't know how to take the thing they have in their mind and turn it to reality. 

I would suggest you few things. first.. if you imagine the session you wish to do.. imagine it as vivid as you can first. imagine all the small details of what you wish to do to her. its known now that imagination is like a muscle. you need to know what you will do in specific and in small details. and then, when you wish to act, made her prepare the "set" if you need something. just say "I want you to......" activating her will start the excitement for both of you. and when you start the session imagine yourself, if you need the help to start, that you are an actress on a set, and you are acting your part. you know the saying "fake it you make it? " it work like magic.  

if she want you to be tough to make her come, you can always pull her hair, stuck fingers into her mouth in less delicate way.. or hold her neck (even though, with that I would be careful), you can pinch or pull her nipples.. and such things. yet, and that is answer to your question, if its not how you want it for yourself, you need to explain to her what turn you on in order for you to cum. part of being able to arrive to an orgasm, is the mental thing. you need to figure out what is your thing. not what she "wants" for you, in order to cum. even if its not fitting the image she hold in her mind, about how you arrive to an orgasm, if you are the Dominant, you should in that thing, do as you want.

it might be, that you have the wish to orgasm at the same time. if both of you need different things, mentally to arrive your climax, maybe better to arrive to that, one after the other. 

you can talk to me if you wish for more advices. 

Edited January 13 by earthyangel

[dook]

Maybe start simple like sending her a text about how you want her to be dressed and posed when you get home. Or, get her to beg you .

[Tempetommy]

As a sub I really enjoy it when my master or mistress orders me around I love being ordered to do things or punished for not doing them this is a cool topic thank you for reading my bet