Advice regarding two issues.

[DenG-3379]

Dear all,

I hope someone can brainstorm with me on this.

For several years, I've had a "normal" relationship with my girlfriend. Everything from our home life, sports, friends (and mutual respect), etc., is all fine.

Lately, she's been expressing that she finds our foreplay a bit dull.

I've noticed that when I take a more dominant stance and give commands, she complies without hesitation. It started with simple acts like dropping her pants and standing with her breasts exposed. Now, she sometimes stands naked with everything exposed in various positions for half an hour. She's comfortable with pleasuring herself and using toys, so those aren't punishments for her. However, she clearly doesn't enjoy spanking or anything that inflicts ***. Even when I perform these acts, they're less arousing for her. She prefers clear instructions that she can carry out herself (within our four walls).

Now, I have two issues.

Firstly, I'm running out of ideas to further expand our dominance play. I've only found ideas online related to spanking, handcuffs, etc., or actions performed by the dominant partner.

Secondly, I've suggested things like standing in front of a window, which she finds exciting but doesn't do because of her apprehension. The problem is, I can't really administer a punishment if she refuses. Spanking against her will is out of the question as it's ***, something I'd never do. But I can't think of much beyond making her stand in the corner for a few extra minutes.

Does anyone have ideas on how to tackle both problems or can guide me in a direction to add more variety and depth to our relationship in this aspect?

Thank you for your assistance.

[ge****]

Firstly I think you need a conversation with your girlfriend to both understand her expectations and desires and also discuss your own.
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Your post seems to have gone from "my girlfriend finds our foreplay a bit dull" to some kind of pseudo D/s thing without a great deal of explanation of how you got from the first to the last.
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You talk about "punishment" but punishment for what? What has she done to deserve the punishment in the first place?
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Either way having that conversation with your girlfriend and *if* her desires are for a D/s type relationship putting some structure around what that means for both of you will then lead you to next steps etc

[Ah****]

Maybe, if she’s into that, making her do small chores while naked, possibly with a remote control vibrator?

[Deleted Member]

From what you say, I take that you guys haven't had a proper sit down and open discussion on what each of you individually want, need and expect from yourselves and each other. What are your individual limits? What are the roles you have adopted? Do you really feel comfortable being a Dom? Does she see herself as a submissive? These are a bunch of questions that you would need to address and answer for yourselves individually and together. I may be wrong, but I've got the feeling she's trying to top from the bottom and control you. But that's just my personal impression.

As far as "punishment" is concerned you may consider orgasm control in a lengthy tease and denial session. Another option would be to immobilise her and tickle her as much as possible. It's pure *** for the one receiving it! Or instead of tickling her, get between her thighs and hit her pubes, clit and labia with your erection. Take your effing time and let her tell you what she feels. Don't penetrate, under any circumstances. Let her desire build up (and your own too BTW) for some time.
The rest I leave to your own imagination! Have fun!

[MasterofSinUK]

Buy a beginners guide to kink and read it together. Discuss the content together. Laugh about all the things you think are silly and look forward to trying out the things you both fancy. Experiment. That's the fun bit. Enjoy the spice and talk about it when you've both had all the fun you need. Be honest and open. It's a great world when you do it right x

[sardonicus87]

Definitely talk to your partner. If your partner says "I don't know" and refuses to communicate, then their frustration is their own fault, which would be unfortunately also your frustration. At which point you need to figure out how important sex is and whether it's a relationship deal-breaker.
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You can't do all the work alone, it takes two people to put in effort. If your partner won't even put the effort to figure out what their own problem is, you shouldn't have to put the effort of playing some guessing game. Not saying that's what is going on here, just something I have seen before. Just that if you're expected to do all the work of "turning them on", the least they could do is figure out how they want it done.
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Communication, that's always the key and the answer to basically 99% of these problems. If they won't communicate, then it's their loss.

[ny****]

Everyone has given great advice here! Communications and proper sit-downs are key.

Would also like to add a suggestion for something creative: roleplay! Maybe there are fun shows you both watch and there’s a common heel/antagonist character that you both love to hate. A fun punishment might be taking on the role of that heel/antagonist, or forcing them to. Always good to step outside the box! (But discuss it first)

[sardonicus87]

Also don't forget, communication is a two way street. You also can't always expect the other person to "make the first move" in communication, you may have to reach out first, but both need to give and take (in communication). Even if it's uncomfortable. But also, don't be pushy and don't forget communication also involves listening.

[CopperKnob]

I'm confused in terms of how you moved from your partner saying that they find foreplay (in the context of your relationship) dull and you landing on kink/BDSM?
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Suggesting that you've 'noticed' means you've not discussed. 'She compiles without hesitation' doesn't necessarily mean that she finds it enjoyable and compliance isn't consent.
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If she doesn't enjoy acts such as spanking or resulting in her ***, why are either of you engaging in them?
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If you're running out of ideas, what are hers? Why are you seeking out ideas to expand D/s play? It sounds like you may be doing so on a whim.

[Da****]

Some great feedback already. Communication, for sure. Could it be something else? Does she want to get married? :) Does she want to Switch? Does she want a scene with a bull, another dominant man, or female sub for to switch for/with.
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Also, you shouldn't be running out of space to be 'dominantly present'. You have to own your duty to bring that vibe to the dynamic in your stride... Otherwise whatever you do, it's effect will only be short-lasting.
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Good luck.
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Sometimes funnier is better to open out minds to ways we can change ... What do you think she's writing on the forum she belongs to?
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Well done on being open and putting this message up here.

[Mr****]

Ok seems the punishment and bdsm play won't be her thing. Try the mental route. Various options. That also involve punishment is that.

If you like quizes. Then when your 👀 something. If she fails to answer a question its a soft punishment. If she answers and gets it wrong it's a hard punishment. For every correct answer she gets a sexual reward or build up and use to reverse a wrong answer punishment.

Or

Think of something similar on sports. If your into that. Winner gets to specify what they want.

Or

Blindfolds. There useful to engage her imagination. Which is mental stimulation. Work a blindfold into something

[ma****]

Why would you administer a punishment? What has she done wrong to receive a punishment? When you say punishment, do you mean "funishment"?

About her not enjoying ***, just remember that *** isn't for everyone. Not everyone is a masochist. I'd suggest that you sit down (not once, but multiple times ) and talk. Communication is extremely important. Also, I'd suggest that you read books and then discuss them together.

And to go right to the beginning of your post, you mention that your girlfriend finds the foreplay dull. Have the two of you had a thorough conversation about what each of your expectations are from each other?

[Co****]

4 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Firstly I think you need a conversation with your girlfriend to both understand her expectations and desires and also discuss your own.
.
Your post seems to have gone from "my girlfriend finds our foreplay a bit dull" to some kind of pseudo D/s thing without a great deal of explanation of how you got from the first to the last.
.
You talk about "punishment" but punishment for what? What has she done to deserve the punishment in the first place?
.
Either way having that conversation with your girlfriend and *if* her desires are for a D/s type relationship putting some structure around what that means for both of you will then lead you to next steps etc

Agree on the points made here and a lot of good advice by others:

I am also curious as to how/what steps took the OP from normal foreplay to a D/s play. Is this something she expressed an interest in before you introduced it?
Do correct me if I’m wrong…but I don’t get the impression that you are getting pleasure from the Dom role you have taken? and that it is more acting rather than being.

There is not a one act fits all that will “add” variety and depth in your relationship and maybe a D/s route is not it.

So as most have highlighted you can tackle both your “problems by openly communicating with “each other about your wants and desires and then expectations from each other.
There should be enjoyment/satisfaction from both sides and that is relevant for both “normal” relationships and in BDSM.

There are also different scenes you can explore that are not BDSM related, to find what works for you both in opening up sexual experimentation in your relationship.

[ey****]

there's a few bits in the post which trip my spidey senses - but as a general rule

1) If a partner comments they are bored during foreplay then the first step is to work with them on if there are things you could do, or could do better - or work through ideas

2) if you're unsure where to get ideas to work through, there are assorted sex / fetish / etc checklists online you can work through together - these can highlight ideas you're both interested in trying/exploring 

[sl****]

lol. The guy wants ideas not therapy.

[DenG-3379]

Thank you everyone for your tips. But it is indeed about additional ideas. My girlfriend says she enjoys it and secretly likes it a lot. I also have to be careful not to come too quickly. so it is not about whether we want it or not. that is clear to us. it's more about whether anyone has other ideas.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, DenG-3379 said:

Thank you everyone for your tips. But it is indeed about additional ideas. My girlfriend says she enjoys it and secretly likes it a lot. I also have to be careful not to come too quickly. so it is not about whether we want it or not. that is clear to us. it's more about whether anyone has other ideas.

But ideas really need to come from you/your girlfriend and not a bunch of strangers on the Internet which will come across as no more than "wank fodder" really especially given we don't know either of you and your tastes, boundaries and limits etc and the lack of detailed information you've provided.
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"Punishment" to one person, may be quite the opposite to another, or may be beyond limits and boundaries etc to another.
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So you see why you may not be getting specific ideas and people are asking questions etc?

[Cu****]

People are asking you questions that should be within the verbal and written contact between you and your partner/girl friend. Talk together, open up to each other. You’re second guessing the whole time, because you don’t know what’s wanted and you don’t sound to get reaction from your partner as to how what’s been done, has been received by them. I can’t see the correlation between “foreplay is a bit dull” and “punishment”.
If she doesn’t tell you what’s dull about your combined foreplay, then ask her to write imaginative, potentially possible short scenarios, that tease her mind. As mentioned by others, this isn’t just about physical involvement. The dullness to which she’s referring, might possibly be because at the time a decision is made between you to enjoy foreplay, it’s only based on physical activities. Some men might quickly be turned on physically by the sight of a nude female, but there are many females, and males, you really feel a much deeper desire when their minds are stimulated. Again, you need to talk to determine what these could be. Don’t expect instant results. Give time for ideas to be considered, to be suitable and appropriate for both of you and places/locations, indoors or outdoors, that might be appropriate. Record the decisions to which you both agree. Revisit the decisions frequently as more ideas appear, or some previous thoughts are rejected.
So, to go forward, make sure that you are both fully involved in this exercise to progress your intimate relationship. Listen to what each other is saying. Discuss the expressed opinions. Ask easy questions of each other, so that you can both open up the discourse. Easy questions could begin with what, when, where, which, who, how and if. These create openness, and allow ideas to flow. Let your relationship continue to be owned by both of you. Good luck.

[st****]

Fill up a Master Kink List together, a lot of the questions will be addressed in that

[Si****]

Setting her some tasks that involve her having to think outside the box. Such as giving her instructions to please you without resorting to the obvious like bj, sex or cooking lol the more imaginative and creative is rewarded. Perhaps challenging her to do things like take photos of her in set locations of a kink nature (shared only with you) her pleasing herself in locations other than the four walls.

[Redbottom***]

Firstly, (in my opinion) it's great that your respecting, while exploring, boundaries and not crossing them. Me too find idea of public display extremely exciting but one that should remain a fantasy for now anyways. I am a newbie and it's a mindfield, things thought where comfortable with, trying things you wouldn't dream of so it's not as straightforward sometimes to have a list. Can I ask what are you punishing her for?

[Redbottom***]

Reason am asking is is ideas for impact play/ bedroom scenes or more punishment as a part of life dynamic

[Cucky45015]

How about costumes and role-playing. Just dynamics of say student/teacher, patient/Dr. Can add spice to same sort of foreplay

[Vi****]

Read SM:101, that should open your eyes a fair bit and there’s loads of advice in there about different things to try. However, I do agree with the guy that said she sounds like she’s a topping bottom. Not that that is such a bad thing in and of itself but I would consider what YOU want, then discuss with her what she wants and see how the two align.

I would say, this is rarely a bell you unring, is everything else ok in your relationship?