(In)Equality in D/s dynamics

[Fa****]

Looking for thoughts, opinions and/or advice please.

When it comes to D/s does equality exist between a Dom and a sub? I believe that it does but I can’t quite put into words what I mean by this.

I don’t believe that one person having control over the other makes them “higher ranking” or that the person being controlled is less of an equal.

I get and appreciate the power exchange but does this equate to each person not being equal within a relationship? Just because (as my Dom) you can make me do something doesn’t make me inferior to you, does it? Because in my mind (in)equality relates to inferior/superiority and that doesn’t sit well with me in the context of a relationship/dynamic.

Thanks in advance

X

[E-dUbBs]

It definitely doesn’t make you inferior because your choice is to allow this
There’s certainly no inferiority in that
I wrote a poem about this a while back



The gift of her submission

The frenzy descends
And inside things break and bend
Like a demon
that is primally driven
But you can't take
What can only be given
The gift of her submission
Still you scratch and you claw
Like has happened before
Not realizing things could be broken
You can't choose
You have to be chosen
For what can only be given
The gift of her submission
So remember you must step back
and then breathe
Show her you care and are worthy
And help her believe
Allow the door to be open
For what can only be given
The gift of her submission

(Note the reference to broken bend etc is to situations not physical trauma)

[E-dUbBs]

Just realised that you are from one of my favourite places in the country/world Newcastle
The people are amazing and so friendly

[he****]

If you don’t feel equal to your Dom, you might as well be a slave

[Dr****]

First off... The sub has all the power until the point where they decide to give it to the Dom.
The sub set limits.
The sub sets the desired play.
The sub sets safe words.
The sub sets boundaries.

If, at any point, they want to retake their power because the Dom does something the sub doesn't agree with, the sub can.

As someone who's been in the lifestyle for as long as I remember and have been educating, I tell subs that they hold the power until they give it to someone they trust, respect, and feel safe with.
The Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give. And if at any point the safe word is used or the sub feels they want to take that power back, they can. And the Dom must respect that. One a sub calls it words, the Dom has absolutely zero control over the sub.

There is a balance, yes. That's in a true dynamic and must be negotiated.

As a Dom/ Top, I negotiate with my partner, whether long term or short term partner, for the evening (for educating or helping explore). Only after we negotiate do I take control. And if for any reason something isn't agreed upon by both parties, then either we renegotiate or call off the negotiations.
Submission is a GIFT
It's earned, not demanded.
Submission is giving your power away to someone you trust, so you can relax, let go, and find your subspace.

Making someone feel inferior is not part of it unless negotiated. If it's not part of the negotiations, then it should not happen at all.

I hope this helps you. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. I'm open to anyone asking for more info.
Have a splendid day and hope this helped

[he****]

Right! Many think it’s about the top, when it’s in fact about the bottom

[E-dUbBs]

2 minutes ago, heidelberg328 said:

Right! Many think it’s about the top, when it’s in fact about the bottom

So very true

[CopperKnob]

29 minutes ago, Drago6Alucard9 said:

First off... The sub has all the power until the point where they decide to give it to the Dom.
The sub set limits.
The sub sets the desired play.
The sub sets safe words.
The sub sets boundaries.

If, at any point, they want to retake their power because the Dom does something the sub doesn't agree with, the sub can.

As someone who's been in the lifestyle for as long as I remember and have been educating, I tell subs that they hold the power until they give it to someone they trust, respect, and feel safe with.
The Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give. And if at any point the safe word is used or the sub feels they want to take that power back, they can. And the Dom must respect that. One a sub calls it words, the Dom has absolutely zero control over the sub.

There is a balance, yes. That's in a true dynamic and must be negotiated.

As a Dom/ Top, I negotiate with my partner, whether long term or short term partner, for the evening (for educating or helping explore). Only after we negotiate do I take control. And if for any reason something isn't agreed upon by both parties, then either we renegotiate or call off the negotiations.
Submission is a GIFT
It's earned, not demanded.
Submission is giving your power away to someone you trust, so you can relax, let go, and find your subspace.

Making someone feel inferior is not part of it unless negotiated. If it's not part of the negotiations, then it should not happen at all.

I hope this helps you. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. I'm open to anyone asking for more info.
Have a splendid day and hope this helped

The Dom can't have safe words, can't end play, can't leave the relationship?
The sub doesn't have all the power with is the point of submission

[CopperKnob]

FD, I have a similar mindset. I'll try and put my view into words after work, but, in the meantime, obviously, the sub doesn't have all the power, and submission isn't a gift.

[E-dUbBs]

1 minute ago, CopperKnob said:

FD, I have a similar mindset. I'll try and put my view into words after work, but, in the meantime, obviously, the sub doesn't have all the power, and submission isn't a gift.

You don’t agree it has to be given?

[E-dUbBs]

Because anything that has to be given I would define as a gift. But I do agree with the point that there is a split  in the power dynamic in terms of what you mentioned ie safe words et 

 

the poem is written from the point of the beginning of a dynamic that might better explain it?? 

[Cheekysub247]

Personally I think everyone has the power, it's called consent. D and s have to consent, its compatibility, limits ect that make a D/s relationship. If they want equality or inequality in their relationship it's up to them.
I'm never equal to my D, I'm very low in the chain. That would be how we do our relationship.

[Mr****]

Equal yes.. because respect is there for each other. Also the boundaries are set by both. The Dom is confined to those boundaries. Has to respect then. In doing so the sub has passive control through boundaries set. And the respect from the Dom to adhere to them. Ensuring thus equality

[CopperKnob]

22 minutes ago, E-dUbBs said:

You don’t agree it has to be given?

Semantics, if I 'give' someone my submission, I could/would take it back. I wouldn't take back a "gift"

[he****]

Consent is to me the right to change your mind at any given moment without *** of repercussions. Things can change in the heat of the moment

[Thequietone]

I think it’s up to the individuals involved. Some subs might like being ‘inferior’. Allowing a Dom to be in a controlling position doesn’t have to mean ‘inequality’. It all depends i think on your approach, how you have discussed things between you. 

[Fa****]

50 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

FD, I have a similar mindset. I'll try and put my view into words after work, but, in the meantime, obviously, the sub doesn't have all the power, and submission isn't a gift.

Thank you beautiful and yes, as you know I agree wholeheartedly x

[ki****]

It boils down to whatever the couples finds consensual. Some couple do enjoy the sub being inferior, others won’t take it as far as the bedroom, dungeon goes, and that's ok. The beauty of BDSM is in the agreements.

[he****]

1 minute ago, kinky-RJ said:

It boils down to whatever the couples finds consensual. Some couple do enjoy the sub being inferior, others won’t take it as far as the bedroom, dungeon goes, and that's ok. The beauty of BDSM is in the agreements.

I get that… but it’s that a slave then and not sub

[he****]

*isn’t

[ki****]

2 minutes ago, heidelberg328 said:

I get that… but it’s that a slave then and not sub

I guess that would work for both. Once the superior (domme/dom) suggests and it’s agreed upon or the slave/sub asks for and it’s ok, any dynamic may be played out.

[he****]

Sure that’s the beauty of bdsm, it’s a buffet that she what you want and leave the rest

[E-dUbBs]

9 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Thank you beautiful and yes, as you know I agree wholeheartedly x

Fair play . I wasn’t trying to be rude or negative I was just trying to play devils advocate in that respect and also I have had lots of praise for that poem and I felt like I had to defend my art sorry

[he****]

lol, my phone is having a melt down

[E-dUbBs]

Just now, E-dUbBs said:

Fair play . I wasn’t trying to be rude or negative I was just trying to play devils advocate in that respect and also I have had lots of praise for that poem and I felt like I had to defend my art sorry

Quoted wrong comment fgs