Doubts in D/s dynamic

[le****]

I love the comments ymits not him it's her

[adrenalina75]

A sub is NOT inferior. If your dom is making you feel this way, he’s not a good one. D/s is play-acting. You are both performing roles. Regardless of whether you are naturally submissive or not. I think the shortened term ‘sub’ implies inferiority. It doesn’t mean below. It just means submissive.

[ki****]

Yea, I’d echo what adrenaline said. Subs aren’t inferior. All the power he has over you stems from the power you let him have. If you doubt this, just compare the number of likes and messages you get on here to the number he gets. If this dude is making you feel inferior, you might not be dealing with a dom… you may be dealing with a misogynist. Honestly though, it’s impossible to say. We’re not in your relationship, so take all the advice you get here with a grain of salt. You might find that talking with a therapist who’s experienced with bdsm relationships might help you gain perspective on your relationship.
Good luck with your journey

[adrenalina75]

5 hours ago, kilgore-trout said:

Yea, I’d echo what adrenaline said. Subs aren’t inferior. All the power he has over you stems from the power you let him have. If you doubt this, just compare the number of likes and messages you get on here to the number he gets. If this dude is making you feel inferior, you might not be dealing with a dom… you may be dealing with a misogynist. Honestly though, it’s impossible to say. We’re not in your relationship, so take all the advice you get here with a grain of salt. You might find that talking with a therapist who’s experienced with bdsm relationships might help you gain perspective on your relationship.
Good luck with your journey

A misogynist and/or ***r.

[adrenalina75]

Also, what age is your dom? You’re very young and I imagine he’s a lot older? Maybe you’re just not a sub? If being submissive doesn’t come naturally, then maybe it’s not right for you?

[Lx****]

Tuesday at 09:50 AM, MiseEnPlace-M4F said:

I don’t feel the hour drive is what separates you. If two people want to spend time together an hour drive seems like nothing. Whatever issues are straining your relationship would be there if you were two blocks apart. Be honest with him about how you feel and assure him he can be honest with you too. Maybe make a + and - list of how you feel about the relationship before you talk with him so you’re clear on what you like and don’t about the state of things.

You’re right. Thank you for the advice! I’ve really been sitting down these past few days thinking about the state of our relationship. I think I’ll make that list today!

[Lx****]

Tuesday at 09:53 AM, CopperKnob said:

Maybe you might try and separate your feelings about the relationship with this individual and those you have about identifying as a submissive. Reading what you've shared, it seems like the latter may need to be the focus point. But I agree, I don't feel that an hours drive is the real issue at hand.

You know, I really thought I had been doing that. I love playing with him and letting him dominate me, but now that I’m thinking about it, that submission is very physical which makes me think that it’s not the submission that I enjoy but just the play that comes with it?

[Lx****]

Tuesday at 12:43 PM, gentleish said:

Seems like you know what you want to do. The process of heartbreak is dreadfully unpleasant but it is finite. You’ll get over it and you’ll heal. The healing can’t start until the harming ends

I do think I know what I want to do, but that doesn’t make it the right decision. I want to be as rational as possible (which is one of the reasons I’m asking for advice in the first place), I don’t want to just make a decision that could very much end up hurting the other person involved

[CopperKnob]

20 minutes ago, LxstyLxved said:

You know, I really thought I had been doing that. I love playing with him and letting him dominate me, but now that I’m thinking about it, that submission is very physical which makes me think that it’s not the submission that I enjoy but just the play that comes with it?

It's also possible that you've moved out of sub frenzy? I also think that submission evolves just like anything else. It doesn't sit stagnant and will look differently in each relationship.

[Lx****]

Tuesday at 06:43 PM, adrenalina75 said:

A sub is NOT inferior. If your dom is making you feel this way, he’s not a good one. D/s is play-acting. You are both performing roles. Regardless of whether you are naturally submissive or not. I think the shortened term ‘sub’ implies inferiority. It doesn’t mean below. It just means submissive.

Thank you for that reestablishment of what D/s play is🖤 I honestly think a lot of this is stemming from convictions I had when we first started talking. There was a bit of some rocky conversations we had when we first started talking and part of that had to do with my feeling conflicted about subbing… I think what I’m starting to see is that I’m holding resentment towards him for “putting me in a box” that I essentially chose to be in

[Lx****]

20 hours ago, kilgore-trout said:

Yea, I’d echo what adrenaline said. Subs aren’t inferior. All the power he has over you stems from the power you let him have. If you doubt this, just compare the number of likes and messages you get on here to the number he gets. If this dude is making you feel inferior, you might not be dealing with a dom… you may be dealing with a misogynist. Honestly though, it’s impossible to say. We’re not in your relationship, so take all the advice you get here with a grain of salt. You might find that talking with a therapist who’s experienced with bdsm relationships might help you gain perspective on your relationship.
Good luck with your journey

I honestly don’t think he’s a misogynist haha, at least I hope not! I think I made the decision to sub for him therefore giving him power and I’m feeling regret over that decision because I think it may have been made out of lust and desire for play rather than something I actually wanted to pursue. These are all things I will be addressing in therapy though, for now I’m just taking the advice that people give me here and reflecting until I feel like I’m able to accurately express and communicate my thoughts with my dom

[Lx****]

14 hours ago, adrenalina75 said:

Also, what age is your dom? You’re very young and I imagine he’s a lot older? Maybe you’re just not a sub? If being submissive doesn’t come naturally, then maybe it’s not right for you?

He’s 35. He checkmated me with the “you’re mature for your age” so to speak lol. No but honestly I don’t think I’m a sub. I think that I enjoy play that’s associated with being a sub and that ultimately has resulted in me resentfully adopting the role as a sub

[Lx****]

46 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

It's also possible that you've moved out of sub frenzy? I also think that submission evolves just like anything else. It doesn't sit stagnant and will look differently in each relationship.

Oh huh, I’ve never heard that term before? What does it mean?

[CopperKnob]

38 minutes ago, LxstyLxved said:

Oh huh, I’ve never heard that term before? What does it mean?

If you go to the new to kink forum and search the phrase, loads there to read

[Th****]

1 hour ago, LxstyLxved said:

He’s 35. He checkmated me with the “you’re mature for your age” so to speak lol.

If your age is accurate on your profile, then combined with this, especially the "you're mature for your age," it's a big predatory red flag. 🚩

I'd strongly suggest you actively seek out peers to form friendships with. Other women of all ages and roles, especially subs & bottoms. Fetlife has a lot of resources and information there. A friend has compiled a giant stack of links to resources all in one place for newer people that I'd be happy to share with you. Unfortunately, this site doesn't allow us to share links in the forums. 

[Th****]

Seperately, it's absolutely valid if you realize/decide that you aren't actually a submissive. You may simply be a bottom or enjoy bottoming from time to time. Sadomasochism does *not* have to involve D/s. Lots of bdsm & kink can happen in the absence of D/s. 

Edited July 5 by ThaliaV

[Lx****]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

If you go to the new to kink forum and search the phrase, loads there to read

Thank you so much for all your advice and guidance!!

[Lx****]

2 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

If your age is accurate on your profile, then combined with this, especially the "you're mature for your age," it's a big predatory red flag. 🚩

I'd strongly suggest you actively seek out peers to form friendships with. Other women of all ages and roles, especially subs & bottoms. Fetlife has a lot of resources and information there. A friend has compiled a giant stack of links to resources all in one place for newer people that I'd be happy to share with you. Unfortunately, this site doesn't allow us to share links in the forums. 

I guess I never really saw it as being that big a deal? I’m actually on Fetlife as my main connect to the kink community. I’ll DM you!

[lo****]

I would also like to state CLEARLY for you that just because you give someone your submission for a time, you can ABSOLUTELY take it back and make them earn it again, or just refuse to give it to them ever again.

Submitting is the submissive's CHOICE. Anyone who feels entitled or pushes you to give it to them is an ***r and either has no idea what a real D/s dynamic IS or doesn't care. Both are dangerous.

[Th****]

11 hours ago, locketheart said:

I would also like to state CLEARLY for you that just because you give someone your submission for a time, you can ABSOLUTELY take it back and make them earn it again, or just refuse to give it to them ever again.

Submitting is the submissive's CHOICE. Anyone who feels entitled or pushes you to give it to them is an ***r and either has no idea what a real D/s dynamic IS or doesn't care. Both are dangerous.

Yes! Excellent point