Pe**** Posted July 15 Posted July 15 Ok, been trying to analyse this for a while. I’m a soft dom/disciplinarian/caregiver type. It’s a good fit for me. I got into DDLG a good while ago and transitioned slightly from the more traditional (?) ***-giving, sexual gratification dom. As I get older, I’m happier nurturing and encouraging. For me, sex should not be inevitable. This is the issue… I can’t bring myself to initiate something that pushes me out of my comfort zone, even when I’m asked to do so (or even expected to do so) by a play partner. Example, I will not inflict *** beyond what I would take myself (switch tendencies here). I’d always considered myself a bit of an experimentalist, willing to push boundaries in safe surroundings, but now less so. Is this just me evolving, or am I becoming less of a dominant than a moderate disciplinarian (for example). Thoughts most welcome. I’d welcome some different perspectives.
CopperKnob Posted July 16 Posted July 16 Devil's advocate, if a D asked/tried to push me outside my comfort zone/pushed past my agreed boundaries, what do you think the conversation would look like? If it's your boundary, it's your boundary. . Equally, you decide what your dominance in a pre agreed relationship looks like, whether it's play partner/s or long term. Just because you've been one thing and now you're wanting something different from D/s doesn't make you a 'lesser' D.
typhoon2 Posted July 16 Posted July 16 Dominants and Tops have limits too. If someone expects you to exceed your stated limits then they're an ***r, on both sides of the D/s slash. Don't get hung up on titles - everyone interprets them in different ways. Just be sure that you clearly state your boundaries and ensure that playmates understand them. It's supposed to be fun, not a chore (or minefield).
Shilo66 Posted July 16 Posted July 16 I'm struggling to see what the difficulty is here. If you don't want to do it, then don't. Why would it make you less of a Dom for not wanting to do something you're not comfortable with??? I saw on your profile that one of your limits is ***. You wouldn't have any trouble saying no to that, so why is this any different? If you're with someone who won't respect your limits, then you need to seriously consider walking away and finding someone else.
ey**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 one thing that too many overlook (although has been mentioned by others on this thread) : Dominants have boundaries too! the thing with any form of boundary pushing is it comes to context - on paper it is usually a bad thing but in kink there can *sometimes* be exceptions. i.e. if someone says they can take *** that is 7/10 (that is a boundary) but want to build up to be able to take 8/10. That they don't want to do activities x/y/z today but might want to build trust/exploration towards them but yeah, if someone says their *** is 7/10 and that's all they ever want to take it wouldn't be cool to 'push them' to 7.5 and the same applies to Dominants. Dominants have limits, can stop a scene at any time, can 'safeword' etc just as much as subs
Ki**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 This is my 2p worth of wisdom so regard it as such. When comes to push my boundaries the partner plays a key part we both need to be feel excited about the idea, as well as take our time to research and try things out. Now by the sound of it all you entered a new relationship and got that early excitement to then slowly get back within your natural boundaries, now question is what do you want?
P_**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 Part of any healthy relationship is giving each other the space to evolve, and should be an important part of a BDSM relationship because needs and desires can change, and that's okay. If you have a boundary and it's not respected you need to talk about it and if they're not willing to reach a solution then you both need to find someone better suited to your respective needs. Communication and respect are sexy :)
De**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 As I’m sure you would tell your submissives, it’s good to have boundaries. It’s healthy to have them. Dominant and submissive can be rather nebulous terms. They mean such different things to different people. I think you are just finding the right form of dominance for you, and that’s wonderful. There will be submissives who fit perfectly with that kind of dominance.
Ma**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 I have to agree with the comments above. For me at least there is no right or wrong answer that draws a line in the sand it’s more about the connection and communication you can build with your partner within the dynamic. It’s already great that you can articulate what you want/like now just about finding the person who enjoys receiving that type of dominance.
Th**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 Others have already given some great input here. Dominants and tops having their own limits and boundaries is a *good* thing. I tell people regularly that those who say that they don't have them or "only have the limits of their submissive" would never pass vetting for me or any of my close friends in kink. Part of what a top's limits should be about are whether or not they're skilled and knowledgeable about a thing. I'm going to use what I hope is an "extreme" example here in hopes that it's an obvious case.... if a bottom wanted hook suspension and you'd never even witnessed it let alone know anything about it it would be very dangerous to just say "sure, that's within your limits, so let's do this!" Something I haven't seen anyone touch on yet is specifically responding to this bit here... On 7/15/2024 at 11:21 AM, PeteNR2 said: even when I’m asked to do so (or even expected to do so) by a play partner. If I'm in an actual D/s arrangement as a Dominant, and not simply being a top, this is getting into topping from the bottom territory if it's past initial negotiations and that's going to piss me right off as it's totally inappropriate unless they first ask to renegotiate. I wouldn't go so far as to immediately call it *** necessarily, as someone else has, but it could eventually get to where it qualifies as such.
MasterDarcy1979 Posted July 16 Posted July 16 It's not a case of "not being Dominant enough". It sounds more like a case of being with play partners who just want harder Doms and you clearly aren't making your boundaries clear. If you don't want to initiate something that takes you out of your comfort zone then don't. I don't think I've ever heard of a sub attempting to push their Don/Domme out of their comfort zone. It's a new one on me. Personally, I'm not into the "play parner" thing. When I take a submissive it's going to be for the longest of hauls and it's very much of the serious and monogamous variety. However, if I were open to a play partner then I would make sure that the rules were set. I would make sure that trust was forged and boundaries were pillars that are set in marble. Testing limits/going our of your comfort zone is a nuanced issue. Doms have as many boundaries as subs. The difference being that Doms don't have soft limits. A Dominant has to be in charge. They shouldn't be "pushed". On the topic of limits: Hard limits should never be touched. Ever. Whereas, soft limits can be tested and tried and manipulated. Evolution comes from soft limits dissolving and even from Doms/Dommes introducing new kinks and fetishes that are brand spanking (as it were) new to the sub. If you're a soft dom/disciplinarian/caregiver and it's what you're most comfortable with then stick to it and make a play partner know. If the play partner (or any partner) wishes to push your boundaries then just say "No". The "No" word is universal and should be used by subs and Doms. To thine own self be true.
Th**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 2 hours ago, MasterDarcy1979 said: I don't think I've ever heard of a sub attempting to push their Don/Domme out of their comfort zone. Oh you have no idea. It happens to Dom women All. The. Time. It's fucking tedious and maddening. I do agree on the it's not about not being "Dominant enough" that's not a thing imo. It's more about if one's style of dominance is what someone is looking for. As far as the play partner thing goes it's no different than people who choose monogamy over ENM or polyamory while vanilla. Some might have a serious romantic and or sexual relationship with one person and more casual nonromantic and possibly nonsexual relationships with play partners. Which can either be a D/s dynamic or what I would argue most play partners more likely are more of a top/bottom arrangement. It's simply individual preferences and make ups. I'd also disagree on the Doms and tops not having soft limits. I certainly do and I know many others who do as well. Whether or not they can be pushed and tested is determined in negotiations, it's not an automatic given. Absolutely though Dominants should be the one in charge and aren't to be "pushed" with the exception of your partner being a Brat and whether or not you enjoy it. Some Dominants do and even encourage it to a degree. This is why, as you said, negotiations should be very clear and explicit and if someone changes how they feel about anything then it's time to revisit negotiations.
ey**** Posted July 16 Posted July 16 4 hours ago, MasterDarcy1979 said: I don't think I've ever heard of a sub attempting to push their Don/Domme out of their comfort zone. It's rife in F/m I think there have been male doms on here where they also may have been pushed in a direction they didn't want, I do seem to have feelings a few years ago of a guy who had had a problem that his sub was pushing for harder play than he was happy with; I think that was on here but F/m - there are countless examples; we could be here all night
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