Our Guide to Coming Out Kinky & Accepting It

Coming out kinky and then accepting it isn't easy in a society which shames those who enjoy sex. We asked writer Sienna Saint-Cyr to share her experiences - and her top tips for survival.

 

Before coming out kinky: Read

One thing that helped me in coming out kinky was reading stories and seeing if they turned me on. This meant I explored a lot of topics. Some more Dominant and submissive related, others being about rough sex, some on bondage. Then there are fetishes. I examined many areas and found that most of them were hot for me in some way or another. I didn’t always know why they were hot, just that they were.

But should you read fact or fiction when thinking of coming out kinky? I did a lot of reading in both. Indeed, both are important because as I read the fiction and found it hot, a lot of it wasn’t realistic. Therefore, the nonfiction came in to explain how things should really happen. Moreover, it was helpful in figuring out the why portion. The books that helped me most were The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton; and SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. For erotica, I suggest going to literotica.com or one of the other free sites, at least in the beginning.

Next steps in coming out kinky

Once you’ve explored with reading (and/or movies) and are fairly certain that you want to know more, the next step in coming out kinky is asking around. While some venues can offer introductory courses and demonstrations, I’ve personally found this avenue riskier in the beginning.

To start, try an internet search on kink/BDSM munches. Those are for meeting people and asking questions. No actual scenes take place. Chances are, you’ll find others there that have been raised in similar environments. Once you’ve met some good and trustworthy people, then find a venue to watch demos.

Coming out kinky can be a daunting process, so take your time! 

Slow and steady wins the race

If you take things slow and gradually lower into kinky waters, you’re going to have an easier time adjusting. When we’ve been taught—brainwashed—to believe that sexually enjoying ourselves is sinful or inappropriate, we have to face our shame and guilt eventually. Consequently, this is why talking to others that have been through similar situations is helpful when you're coming out kinky. Remember: this kind of shame and guilt is nonsense and serves no purpose other than to make us feel bad.

Owning who we are is beautiful, and accepting ourselves divine in its own right. So try not to judge yourself as you are coming out kinky. Instead, remain open to what you feel based on the things you read, discuss, and later witness or take part in. Accepting ourselves means we get to experience a level of joy free of the guilt and shame we’d walked around with previously.

Accept we're all at it!

Guess what? In the end, it turns out that most of us are coming out kinky anyway. When we accept our kinky side, it means we become conscious of our choices rather than have that side sneak out in non-consensual ways. We get to express ourselves without judgment, have better sex, and more fun! In my experience, I’ve found that almost everyone is kinky in some way. So be brave, explore, and experience the joy that comes with accepting and loving who you are!

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating. 

Are you thinking of coming out kinky, or have you already done so? Share your experiences and ask for advice in the Fetish.com forum. 

Images: via Shutterstock.com