How do you ensure that there's no confusion about kink and sexual consent? Sienna Saint-Cyr explores boundaries, negotiation, and the joy of begging for sex.
Not too long ago, I watched a lovely girl squirm in her chair as I shared all the terrible and naughty things I wanted to do to her. She was adorable and delightful and kept asking for me to share more, to which I obliged, but that’s where it ended.
In fact, I didn't do any of the saucy things I had suggested because while we’d spoken, consent for those things to happen was never given. Ours is an excellent example of the importance of kink and consent.
When I shared with a third party the hot results I got from my intense, verbal suggestions, she was confused. She asked me, “But if you know she wants it, why make her say she does? Why not just tie her to a cross right then and there?”
Navigating kink and sexual consent
This floored me because this person also had at least some experience with BDSM. I thought surely she’d understand that if there isn't a verbal or written negotiation, then there isn't consent. But she didn't. Sexual consent should be something on which we all agree.
Dictionaries vary slightly, but most suggest that consent means having permission or negotiation for something to happen. It is an agreement. When no words are spoken or written, there isn't an agreement. Visual desire does not equate to verbal consent.
I understand that stopping in the middle of something, or having everything pre-negotiated seems like it takes out some of the spontaneous fun.
Suck it and see? Consent is essential in kink
However, this is where 'yes, maybe, and no' lists can come into play. Or hard limits and safe word talk. A proper Dom or Domme should require that before play. This way, there is a clear understanding of what the person is OK with or not OK with. The Dominant can then determine what he or she is OK with as well.
Using stories to establish kink and consent
Stories are also great for firming up kink and sexual consent. Requiring a submissive to write a story about their ideal scenario is fantastic for building a scene around. This also involves pre-negotiation. I suspect that some of this confusion comes from our views on kink and sexual consent during sex.
While many people understand that there needs to be detailed negotiation and conversation around BDSM, sex is often overlooked. In movies and shows, we never see a couple stopping to ask one another if they really want to have sex. It’s all based on instinct.
“Begging is a beautiful thing. When a sub is made to beg for what he or she wants, it forces them from that place of instinct and responses to solely visual queues. Moreover, it takes them to a place of very conscious choice.”
There is no such thing as implied consent. True consent should be verbal – or in writing – and never implied. It also needs to be consistent consent. Only being in a relationship does not imply consent, either. But when an adorable little slut says, “Please fuck my brains out and beat me until I’m bruised and sore,” that’s pretty clear sexual consent!
The pleasures of begging of sex
This is why begging is such a beautiful thing. When a submissive is made to beg for what he or she wants, it forces them from that place of instinct and responses to solely visual queues. Moreover, it takes them to a place of very conscious choice. If we can’t beg for it, we don’t want it. Or we may want it, but not be ready.
Begging for sex is a great way to show sexual consent
Begging enables bottoms to be very clear in their own minds, with what they desire. And tops or Doms can also use that begging to gauge whether or not he or she wants to fulfil that desire.
Consciousness is vital in kink and sexual consent. Moving from instinct into conscious choice is the difference between the illusion of consent and actual consent. Plus, begging is so hot!
Determining needs for consent
Many of us are taught to assess the needs of others and act on those assessments. The more accurate we are at determining needs and acting upon that, the more we are praised. But consent in any sexual or BDSM way should never be merely assessed and acted on. Observation is great and incredibly useful, but only when added to actual consent.
Begging means there's no confusion in kink and consent
So the next time you want to be tied to a cross and beaten, beg your Dominant for it. Beg, so that he or she knows that you know what you want, that you are consenting verbally, again and again with each desperate plea. There is no confusion around kink and consent when there’s enthusiastic begging involved! •
Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating.
What are your thoughts on sexual consent and begging in BDSM? Share your ideas in the Fetish.com forum.
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Images shutterstock/Kuznechik / shutterstock/Serhii Huk
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