Polyamory and D/s often go hand in hand. In a community like ours where anything goes, as long as it's consensual of course, there is an acceptance of ethical non-monogamy and poly relationships that isn't as prevalent in vanilla society. But how do you balance your D/s dynamics between you and your poly partners? Victoria Blisse offers some hints and tips to keep your poly relationships running smooth and kinky.
Every relationship is personal, of course, and you need to decide what works best for you and your loved ones. However, a lot of advice out there on polyamory is aimed at couples, not multiples. So how do you balance your D/s relationships when you're enjoying kink with more than one partner?
Establish good communication
The key to all good relationships is communication, and this is especially important when there are several people involved in a poly group. It's essential that all people feel they have an equal say in things, no matter if they're a sub, Dom or a switch.
Firstly you need to establish what level of communication there will be amongst your metamours. It could be that you have a group chat set up so you can all talk about practicalities or that you meet together in a physical location to discuss things.
Sometimes you might be the centre of communication for your partners. If they're not involved with each other, then you will naturally be the one who passes on information. Doing this can be a challenge - make sure that you're honest and open. As long as everyone feels they're getting the information they need, you're doing it right. Yay! .png.059a23e90611854526be1cfbd7a43d31.png)
Polyamory group marches at 2018 Toronto Pride Parade via Shutterstock.
Poly group boundaries and limits
Of course, everyone has their boundaries and limits. Within a poly group, others need to be established too. For example, if you're a sub to multiple people, how do you deal with marks from impact play? What about orgasm denial, chastity and other control rules you might put in place? How do they impact the others in poly relationships? Well, this leads back to communication and these boundaries need to be discussed and honestly decided upon. There are ways to make everything work; it just takes time, effort and communication.
The only thing to remember is to make sure everyone is compromising and that one person isn't always getting their way at the detriment of your other poly partners . Eventually, this will lead to conflict.
Poly group organization
Even if you're not the most organised person in the world, when you're juggling multiple relationships, you need to keep track of what is happening and when - no matter if you live with all your poly partners or not.
Keep a calendar everyone can access, either online or on the kitchen fridge if you live together. And make sure you include all your planned dates and sessions. It could be worth making a note of what is in the calendar, so you don't book yourself in for two impact scenes the day after each other, for example.
Poly group problem-solving
Mistakes happen, problems crop up, and it's essential to deal with them quickly and amicably before they blow up into more significant issues. Decide who needs to know about it. Sometimes you might want to talk about one partner with another, but only do this if they consent to it. They might not want to get involved like that.
Consider all suggestions from all parties equally. Don't just go with what you think is best. All your poly partners need to have a say and feel they are listened to. Sometimes this will involve compromise.
Examples:
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A switch who is feeling more subby is spending more time with their Dominant partner, and their submissive is feeling left out.
In this case, maybe the switch and sub could arrange to spend some dates together where D/s isn't involved, so they get to see each other still.
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A Dom wants to collar their sub, but they are also a sub to another Dom.
Collaring means different things to different Doms. A conversation is needed to see how everyone feels about it and if any compromises can be made like the collar only being on when the sub is with that particular dominant.
The above are just a couple of scenarios, and of course, there will be others depending on your situation. The important thing is to have fun exploring your multiple relationships and remember, all relationships take work and communication, especially kinky ones.
Keep it consensual, fun and ethical and share your experiences with us on the Fetish.com forum or find a poly partner or poly group to share your fetish with! •
Victoria Blisse was an erotic author and sex-positive Reverend. She helped shape fetish.com and FET from the very beginning and we're eternally grateful for her passion and creativity. Sadly, she passed away in January 2024. We hope that whenever her articles are read, she'll be honored.
Are you in a poly group or want to explore poly relationships? Find poly partners on Fetish!
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Cover image: Poly group marches at 2017 Toronto Pride Parade, Canada via Shutterstock
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