Why Violating BDSM Consent isn't Just a Dom Thing

Violating BDSM consent isn't good, whether it's done deliberately or by accident. While in most cases, those called out as consent violators tend to be in Dominant roles, writer Sienna Saint-Cyr explains that submissives can violate consent, too.

 

Violating BDSM consent  

Although most people understand how serious it is for a Dom/me to abuse their submissive's consent, many overlook or dismiss the reverse scenario. At first, I figured it was because most of the submissive violators I've known were small, while their counterparts were strong and Dominant, e.g., it's a lot harder for a 130lb person to overcome a 220lb super Dominant person. However, the more I spoke with others about subs violating BDSM consent, the more I realised that Dom/mes are also abused, which is just as dangerous as Dom/mes violating the consent of their subs.

Not recognising the severity of anyone violating boundaries and BDSM consent is hugely problematic because it means we're tolerating abusive behaviour. I've witnessed several cases where a sub violated the consent of their Dom/me. Sometimes this crossing of boundaries could be touching the Dom/me when they said no. For example:

• Kissing after being told no.
• Refusing to let go during a hug or embrace.
• Tickling when the person has clearly stated they don't like it and not to do it.

While these examples may not be horrific sounding, they still violate consent. Moreover, they have the potential to destroy a relationship quickly.
 

Consent violations may not be obvious

The hardest part about these violations is that they aren't blatantly obvious or sexually abusive. It might feel like a sexual violation to some, but not all will feel that way. But, the problem with these types of behaviours is that they send a clear signal to the Dom/me, saying, "My needs supersede yours." It also tells the Dom/me that their feelings aren't relevant and can be stepped on simply because they're Dominant and can handle it. 

After talking with many Dom/mes on this subject, I've concluded that one of the reasons this is so often dismissed is simply because the Dom/me is so Dominant. Most are confident, in control, and have no problem putting a violator in their place, and it becomes even easier when the Dom/me is larger and stronger than the sub.

The general thought being: Dominants can take care of themselves. That's the biggest issue. Just because a Dominant can put a sub in their place doesn't mean the submissive's behaviour is acceptable. Nor does that fact excuse the sub's behaviour in violating the consent of their Dom/me.
 

Violation of consent in BDSM can come from both Dom and sub.

Violating consent in BDSM is abuse

Subs that deliberately neglect consent in BDSM are abusive. Everyone has the right to be respected no matter what side of the D/s relationship they're on. We all have the right to feel safe, as well. Understanding that consent is a two-way street and that both parties must adhere to the rules and boundaries laid out before them is vital to the success of any D/s relationship.

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating. 

Whether you're a Dom/me or a sub, what are your thoughts on violating BDSM consent? Share your thoughts in the Fetish.com forum.

Images: via Shutterstock.com